US

I just like this picture :)

By they way, things are much more hopeful today although not a lot has actually changed. Somebody last night told us, "Don't let all these frustrations get in the way of the hope you have for the future (aka. Berkeley.)" Since then I've been thinking of how we can protect our hope despite what happens or what frustrations we face. And it always helps to evaluate what I am actually putting my hope in... Things working out a certain way? Who I am? Those things can change way too easily. I need something more consistent, for one thing.

It reminded me of the movie Spanglish. Kevin and I loved that movie because we thought it captured something very profound about humanity. I'm still not sure I understand it... but I remembered the part at the end... the very last line (so if you haven't seen it yet, STOP reading, b/c I'm about to unveil it)... this girl is writing her essay to get into Harvard and she says something about her identity being found in the fact that she is her mother's daughter. It sounds so simple... but seriously, if Harvard was your dream and you failed to get in, you might feel, well, horrible. You might feel like you failed. But if your dream was set in the reality that who you are didn't change... that would be complete freedom. To pursue any dream. That's the hope that I need. That's the hope that (I hope to) find in Him.

Frustration in Finishing

AHHHHHH. I am so frustrated and I can't help it. I know that life is trying to frustrate me... and it's working!

First of all, our car. Our one car. We took it to take the smog test so that Kevin can finally change the license plates to CA instead of KS... and it failed!! They said the check engine light wasn't working, so we took it to a mechanic. The mechanic charged us $400 to fix some small part and just as he was done, realized it's an electrical problem with the wiring. Kevin then took it to an electrician who said he wouldn't work on it b/c he's had this problem with Camry's before and replaced every part in the engine and it still wouldn't work. So now we have to take it to Toyota and pay $100 for them to run a diagnostic on our car. Then they might fix it. They might. $500 and two days later for a check engine light thats still not fixed. AHHHHHHHHHH.

Then, my interview that I was scheduled to have this Friday, and that I was SO excited about, emailed me last night and withdrew the position altogether. I had already bought the plane tickets and took an un-paid day for the interview!

Something is seriously working against us. HELP!

It is 56 degrees in Berkeley today. I am FREEZING. I definitely have southern California blood... b/c I am so cold! I brought t-shirts and short sleeved shirts... so now I think we're going to go buy me a jacket. Did I mention it's July?

Our first weekend in Berkeley. I forgot my makeup, along with other personal items that are, um, necessary for my daily life. It's like I'm completely absent -minded about the normal, daily stuff... b/c all our thoughts are going towards strategy and people and work and moving...

So here we are. We flew in last night and leave to head back to LA Sunday evening. Today we will go to Berkeley city Hall and the farmers market. Then we hope to check out this one bedroom house we are really really really praying we get to rent. Then we have meetings and dinner set up with some of the elders here. Crazy and exciting times....

Until later.

Hear it out....

Escape the Suburbs!

Hair Cut

Of course, I won't be wearing it straight b/c it's way too much effort... but it was fun for a few days.

Plus... I am donating my hair to a company that makes hair mats. Weird, I know, but seriously, they help save the environment when there are oil spills! I'll post the website later.

And... to top it all off, I just gave my three week notice to my current job. We think we'll be in Berkeley by August 1st. Only three more weeks of work!

Goodbye LA... hello San Fran??

See here.

There is some talk going on... we could be in San Fran by September. More details to follow.

Angst: the language of April (although it's June now)

I need to make a commitment. This is where I am. This is where I chose to be. Make a commitment and stick to it. Do the best I can do here. I can doubt and question my decision or wish I was somewhere else... but neither of those things change reality- they just give me a negative attitude about it. If the present is not good enough, when will the future ever be? I'm afraid I've created unhealthy patterns of survival. If I let my doubts, my fears control my perspective than I am doomed to be be stuck in a disappointing cycle of unmet expectations and dreams that move further away.

Can I trust Him? Can I believe that He has me here for a purpose, for a meaning, for a mission, that will impact the world and make a difference in His movement? Can I trust Him when the world around me tells me to give up my dreams and adjust to the boredom of reality? Can I trust Him when they laugh when I talk about what might be possible and what I hope for? Can I believe it is really possible to live fully and freely despite the fact that most of those around me are already dead?

The words "you are a stranger" come to mind... and I remember their truth, but yet still, so much of me just longs to belong, to be one of them, even if I know it will all mean nothing in the end. I live torn between two worlds, two ways, two lives that are impossibly intertwined and interconnected. Sometimes I forget which is which. The world or You... you both speak so loudly to me... I want to cover my ears because I feel so easily overwhelmed but then I know that will blot out Your voice as well... so I keep trying to listen. I wander, almost lost, between all the noise, and at some moments, it overtakes me and the anxiety covers my heart like a fishing net I can't escape from.

I try to remind myself that hearing is a blessing, a gift. And sometimes, Your Voice blocks out all the others and I can hear Your peace. Sometimes I can sit in the midst of the crowded places and feel the stillness of Your presence. Sometimes, I can hear Your voice among all the others, but I know which one is Yours and so my two worlds are aligned; I don't need to escape one to reach the other. Those moments are the best.

Why do I pray?

Somebody asked me this question recently... maybe two or three months ago... and I couldn't find the right answer. It was the strangest thing, since I've been doing this God thing for awhile and since prayer is considered such a basic aspect... but I couldn't find the words. The right words. Everything I thought of sounded so typical "christian" or "churchy" and I couldn't find it in myself to give the answers they tell you in Sunday school. I also couldn't think of one particular outstanding story... where I prayed some prayer and lighting flashed and some blind dude was healed. Of course I like to think those things can happen, but then I remember it was Jesus who did that. (Except maybe the lighting part- that's not recorded in the historical records.)

I woke up this morning thinking about one of my close friends, whose life seems to be in an uproar right now. I found myself wishing I had magical words that I could pray, to make the situation change today. But somehow I know, deep down, I don't have magical powers. But yet still, I pray. I wondered again, why. I suppose that the most authentic answer I can give, is that I pray because I am curious. Bottom line. I believe there is a God. I believe He is real. I also believe that He can hear us and see us. And because I believe these things, I pray... I know that He performs miracles, I know He is still alive, I know that He... moves. And although I can't for the life of me "figure Him out" or know Him so well that I can "predict" His response... I also believe He cares. And this is the only thing that gives me hope and drives me to keep talking to Him through prayer.

In conclusion, my final answer (for now) is... I pray because I believe the God of all creation, of the universe, cares and because I am curious. Now I am going to tell Him that.

Beat up

It's been a rough week, physically. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt as though I'd been in a fight. My body hurt everywhere and I could barely walk (well I could walk but with a wobble). It was all because of Monday night; I started playing soccer again. And because I've barely ran since... oh last October, my body practically went into shock. Monday night, at 4am, I woke up to find my right ankle swollen and pounding. I guess I sprained it sometime during the game, but didn't notice until I'd been off of it for several hours. That's what I get for not physically preparing at all.

My new soccer team, Ajax United, plays every Monday night at a nearby sports complex (a half hour from our apartment- that is nearby) in Glendale. The teams are all women (no more co-ed for me) and we have a coach. The coach proved to be one of the biggest challenges of all. He has a comment or an opinion about every play, every move... and guess what? I disagree with his theories and game plan. So I spent the first half arguing with him about different plays and hopelessly watching my team get scored upon. Finally, the second half, my amazing ability to ignore people came into play and I promise I didn't hear another word out of his mouth the entire last half hour. I don't know how I do it... but something changes inside my head and I become so focused on the game I can't hear anything outside of it. No matter how loud they yell. I mastered this with my father quite well. He finally gave up trying to call out advice after he realized I had no intentions of ever listening and beyond that, I just couldn't. I love that mode of play that comes over me; it confirms that I am focused and engaged in the game and that I really want to play. If I can hear you, I'll not really playing.

Commercial

As I walked out of the subway station this morning and began to walk towards my building, I noticed a sign that said,

"Filming: by walking through this section you are agreeing to be a part of our commercial."

My office building was entirely surrounded by a filming crew so I had no option: I had to walk through. They had parked an old fashioned taxi and green truck near the curb. (The green truck, by the way, read "New York Sun Daily News"). I couldn't really tell what the commercial was for and the film crew was on strict terms to not reveal any information. Our street was unusually busy this morning with business professions walking around, a new hot dog stand, a new newspaper/magazine stand (all for the filming I know), and the jeans and t-shirt crew. I quickly realize that all these business professions sharing our sidewalk today are "extras" aka: actors. A man stands on the corner talking animatedly on his cell phone... a group of women sit on the edge of the planters... construction workers stand and talk about their new fake project.

On the fifth floor, I look down and watch them run from the rain. It never rains either. This is definitely an unusual day.

New office: Klawiter

Thought I'd share a few pics of my new office.

The view from my window:

my desk (above) it is only temporary though... i am sitting at the desk of a woman on maternity leave... when she returns at the end of April I will be relocated.

the office (below)

Downtown

Today I finally had the time to actually take a full lunch break- so I took a short walk around downtown, close to my new office. Downtown LA is so... I'm not sure yet. I walked a few blocks to a concrete island they call Pershing Square: a "park" on top of a concrete underground parking garage made of massive, bright colored concrete shapes (mostly square) with a dying water fountain and a few trees on the parameter. I found it hard to relax as I walked past numerous very tired homeless people gazing out into the distance yet somehow watching my every move at the same time. These business professional clothes don't help either- I'm not fully comfortable in them yet. You get all dressed up in the morning to go sit at a computer and then at lunch attempt to walk around in LA's usual hot winter weather. I don't fully appreciate them yet. It's been nearly two years and I am still a die hard fan of jeans and t-shirts. Someday soon I think, my time will come, and not a suit will be seen- at least on this side of the country. We young professionals just put up with it to please our 60+ bosses who write our checks... but someday.

Anyways, back to the story. I find it hard to relax my mind. Especially as I turn a corner and a man walks briskly past me whispering (just loud enough for me to hear) "beautiful booty". PLEASE. It took all my self discipline to keep starting straight ahead and ignore him even though the curiosity inside of me really wanted to look and see who this dud dude was. I walk up to the cross walk and another young man sets up beside me and starts asking questions about my day. He's wearing headphones and a backpack and his oversize shirt, that reaches nearly to his knees, is way out of place at this time of day. Oh well. I quickly turn away and move on, heading back to my office.

WOW- I do miss those residential neighborhoods I used to stroll through at the noon hour near Beverly Hills. But... something about the trees that outline the concrete park capture my eye. They have unusually large, bright orange flowers. It was if they stood to say, even in this drab, tired place, "I will let my beauty be a beacon of hope. I am still here..."

Red buffer zones

A "speech" I gave to a group of artists at Mosaic:

In my third year of college I had one of those red puff daddy jackets with down feathers inside. They were really popular at that time… and really warm- as Kansas weather could be quite frigid and windy during the winter. I used to wear it everywhere- to class, to meet a friend, for dinner, to a house party. It became so comfortable to me- a part of my wardrobe that I realized once it was on, I rarely took it off. One particular night stands framed in my memory… I was at a house party with a lot of people that I didn’t know. Although it was quite cold outside, I realized the house was warm and I grew hot in my jacket… but something within me resisted taking it off… because I didn’t know many people there I felt uncomfortable and I was clinging to the jacket for comfort. It was safe and reliable and somehow I felt, hid my insecurity. It gave me a sense of control in an unfamiliar place- as if to say “I don’t have to reveal really who I am just yet”. It was a barrier, a wall, between my heart and the unknown and although it made me feel a temporary sense of security- it allowed me to keep to myself and stay inside in a sense. My comfort became my barrier.

Fortunately, I got so hot I had to take it off for fear of looking ridiculous. And I quickly realized that I was just as okay without it on as I was wearing it. The memories of that night stayed in my mind, and I began to see the other coats I wore in different situations and how I had a tendency to hide when things were awkward.

I also found that trying to tell myself to take them off wasn’t much of a motivator and that my warnings to myself couldn’t keep up with the awkwardness that I would feel. The best way for me to stop hording my coats to myself in a sense, was if I started thinking about how I could share them, or give them away to others. Because I don’t think it is necessarily bad to have things of comfort around or to be comfortable in a certain thing for a certain time, but I knew I had a tendency to depend on them or to refuse to let them go when they were no longer needed.

An example of this is my first week at my professional job just over a year ago. I was fresh out of college, inexperienced, in an intimidating environment and it was easy to come to work and hide at my desk and just do what I needed to be done. Plus I told myself since I was the new one; it was the responsibility of those already there to get to know me. I soon realized though, that is not the way it worked at this particular place. As soon as I realized how I was taking comfort and how it was a barrier to relationships there, I decided to just do something simple and make a point to greet everybody first thing in the morning, as soon as I got there. It sounds so simple, but I was amazed at how some people really weren’t into being friendly in the morning or how people let the demands of the day take over their decisions. Then one morning, I ran into another quiet girl at the office and asked her about her weekend… she didn’t even say a word before the tears formed in her eyes and she looked away. She told me about some frustrations she was having with her fiancé… and until that time, nobody at the office even knew she was engaged yet.

I found that not only did giving my coat away set me free to experience new things, it also seems to encourage others that are hiding to step out and reveal themselves, at least a little bit.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all today is because I just started another new job two weeks ago and have had to face more uncomfortable situations… but I know they will pass soon if I refuse to let myself hide. I also wanted to encourage you all with my story, to examine the things that we take comfort in and how they can become a barrier. In hopes that not only will you learn new things about yourself, but that you’d start to see them in others as well.

Last day at JMKA

Today is my last day at JMKA. I am honestly sad, at least in some ways. We've had our difficulties, but we've had some great times too. I actually enjoyed the hour bus rides in the morning- it was great time to be by myself before the craziness of the day took over. I will miss my co-workers who have now become my good friends. I will miss walking around the nearby neighborhoods at lunch and sitting on the steps of random apartment complex's to read. I might miss the never ending private middle school project that always lingers on my desk... though I doubt it.

I start my new job on Monday at Klawiter... an architecture and interior design firm. I must admit, I am a little surprised that I am staying with this interiors business but... it just wasn't time to give up on it yet.

The subway and a 30 minute commute await me... but for now I am here and tears threaten to show when I think of my co-workers and how I won't get to see them everyday anymore!

Disneyland

HaHa- notice the scores! This is a rare moment- I won! Don't you love those competitive married couples?

cover letters

Sometimes I surprise myself and actually write something good and original in the most random of places... in a cover letter. Lately I've been writing them like crazy, and usually I just copy and paste and edit a word or two here and there... but this one surprised me. It is for an industrial design job. The posting was in November so I doubt the position is still open but I thought I might as well try.

"I recently found a job posting on Coroflot for -----, however, it was posted in November and I am curious to know if the position has already been filled. I am a designer with a diverse background in architecture, interiors, furniture and product design. My portfolio contains many product designs... one of which was nominated for entry into a competition by a professor. Over the last year or so, I have been working as an interior designer with an architecture firm. It has helped me gain a deeper understanding of space and the power products have to change and transform it. Architecture is, to some extent, a masterpiece of individual products in an intimate relationship with one another. I am eager to continue my growth as a designer with a company such as yours that is leading this city with it's innovation and creativity."

I just thought to myself- that's pretty good for being off the top of my head. Maybe I should consider this product design thing a little more :)

The Office

It all started this morning as I was in Panera working on Kevin's laptop. Kevin was across the street running an errand while I caught up on emails and other stuff... out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walk in and looked up to see... Steve Carell. He had a hat on and looked a little stressed. We made eye contact but I quickly looked away b/c I didn't want him to feel strange. :)

Later on we came back to our apartment and saw a truck parked across the street that said "Dunder Mifflin Paper Company" on the side. On our front door, we saw the notice above- The Office will be filming across the street from our apartment this whole week! We were so excited- we quickly grabbed our camera and took a few pics. Oh the joys of living in LA!

NO WAY

No way! That's all I could say when I read the LA times this morning and saw Beckham on the front page.

"David Beckham, perhaps the world's most widely recognized soccer player after Pele and Diego Maradona, Thursday signed a five-year, $250-million contract to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer."

"The former Manchester United star and former England national team captain will complete his contract with Real Madrid on June 30 and will join the Galaxy in August, about halfway through the MLS season, which begins April 6."

"The league is gambling that he can turn soccer into a mainstream sport in the U.S."

I am still in shock... and I think I'll start looking for a Galaxy ticket now. I HAVE to see him play. You can't be a soccer player and have Beckham in town and NOT see him play! AHHHHHH!

Human Rights

Click on the picture to go to a short You Tube video on Blood Diamonds. Yes, you heard me right... I am getting into this more, especially with the approaching release of the movie next weekend.

Kevin once asked me this infamous question, "If you could go back in time, what time would you go to?" Well... The answer really depends on my mood, as they always do with defining questions like this. I remember I said, "I'd go back to the time of Martin Luther King Jr. And the civil rights movement" It really doesn't sound that glorious... It would be heartbreaking to watch the way we treated each other in that day... And sickening to watch the violence and anger it had to generate... But it would be monumental to be a small part of that great movement- a movement for humanity, for relationships, for people, for us. Of course, they didn't know how it would end, yet they still fought. I'd stand with them as they were sprayed with huge water hoses and pelted with rubber bullets. Of course, I know... I am not African American- but that's not the point. The point is humanity- and what we think of it. That thought process is worth defending and worth fighting mightily for. And I would most definitely be a part.

What are you fighting for?

Now I go back to working at my desk...

Tattoo Ideas

Tattoo

Lately I’ve been really interested in getting a tattoo. Kevin said I could get one if I still wanted one in a year… unfortunately I don’t remember when the year started so we’ll just have to give an intelligent estimate of maybe six months ago… so six more months to go.

The reasons why:
1- I’ve always been fascinated by them… or curious I should say…
2- I think they provoke awesome conversations… What an easy way to get to know somebody by the story behind their tattoos. Imagine what you could freely tell somebody just because they asked about something as simple and common as a tattoo.
3- They are unique… the way to mark your body because it is different, because you have something to say, because your story is important and worth sharing
4- I’ve always felt like my “outside” doesn’t always match my “inside”. I look like a nice, quiet, shy, simple girl and to be honest, I really don’t feel that way and would like people to know- hey- I have a feisty spirit too!

So I finally found something “tattoo worthy” and I have to admit, it was very difficult to find. I’ve been searching for months for what the tattoo would be and finally have an idea.

Beads of Water. I’d tattoo a few on the inside of my wrist- that way they can easily be hidden by a watch or bracelet or easily revealed. Why water beads? Because I’ve always been fascinated by water. It has come to represent peace to me. Whenever I’m around bodies of water, I feel as though I can never leave. The way waves gently ripple thru a lake, or crazily wash over each other in the sea, capture my gaze and hold my heart. When I watch the water, I finally feel completely still… time seems to slow and I can feel myself just breathing. It’s okay to be still and just breathe.

Sometimes we get to experience water in very concrete ways- such as when we visit a lake or spend the day at the beach. Other times, when our lives are busy, we have to suffice with our neighbor’s sprinkler system or beads of water on a leaf. And… at still other times, when life feels as dry as a dessert, we just have to believe that even though we may not see it… it’s in us. It’s a part of us. Literally- water makes up like 60% of your body (or something- I don’t care to be exact right now.)

I say peace, but maybe that’s just what love feels like. Water beads- love- they do exist. I’d like to remind myself and get to tell everybody else thru a tattoo. I guess we’ll see in six months. :)

Dull Moment?

Even though lately I’ve felt “stuck” in life… there are so many moments life surprises me and I remember that even though my life feels slow- the world around me is definitely still moving… the Spirit is moving- even in the moments when I can’t feel it.

The bus ride home: sometimes I feel strangely loved by the strangeness I encounter while experiencing the public transportation system of Los Angeles. I really do believe that God has a great sense of humor… and though there is a fine line between mockery and simple enjoyment, there are moments in life where you just have to- you just got to- laugh.

Friday night. I’m reading a book called “How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization.” The book is surprisingly violent as it describes the history of soccer fan hooligans and the culture they reflect. It leaves a strange feeling in my soul every time I set the book down to look out the bus window- making sure I didn’t miss my stop. But I keep reading- looking for glimpses of hope- for a window into the soul of humanity. I haven’t found it yet- I don’t understand the strange love of violence that captivates man around the world.

The time flies by as I read… thirty minutes, forty-five, and sixty… and I’m finally on my last bus home. Twenty more minutes to go. I set my book back in my bag and look up- finally recognizing the people around me. I can’t ignore the smell- the smell of humans- humans who haven’t showered in a very very long time. I look for the homeless person but none of the people sitting around me seem to fit that profile.

There are four people on the bus that stand out to me. One… an Arab looking man, very round- he even has huge round glasses- he wears all grey, shorts that almost hide beneath his belly- and he seems uncomfortable. I can’t help but think to myself- this man really seems out of place. I wonder what he’s up to and where he’s going… but I am not about to ask.

Two and Three- a homeless couple. Yes I know earlier I said that I didn’t see any, but this couple just stepped onto the bus, a few stops after I did. Such a rare sight- a homeless couple. They were so cute- the woman hanging onto the arm of the man- they looked out for each other. He carried the sleeping bag while she carried the rest. I wondered about them too… where will they sleep tonight?

And lastly- a man gets onto the bus… dressed in a suit- sort of. He has a button up shirt and a tie on… but the tie is irrelevant to the shirt- and tied loosely around his neck. He carries a binder of loose paper and a huge homemade poster that reads “Election Fake Treachery”. The strangest part is… throughout the entire twenty minute ride through the Hollywood Hills, this man breaks out in sprits of silent laughter. I look up to see his body shaking and a huge smile on his face… but at what? Its dark outside- I can barely make out the buildings we pass- but yet he breaks out in another set- he chuckles to himself- no he’s not using a hidden cell phone piece either. And he avoids eye contact with everybody on the bus- just minding his own business, laughing to the voices he hears in his head. His silent laugher becomes more frequent as we near the final stop- Ventura and Laurel Canyon. And I realize he’s about to join the usual Friday protest.

Every single Friday night, a group gathers at this intersection- a block from our apartment- to petition the war. They hold signs that say “honk for peace” and “we hate bush”- okay maybe not those words specifically, but you get the point. I have to walk straight through them to get to the other side of the street so I get to see them up close- a man strumming his guitar, candles to reminisce the memory of those in Iraq, pamphlets set up on a table in case a curious lad does walk by…

The best part though- is the Republicans that sit on the opposite side of the street. They are always outnumbered- three Republicans to maybe thirty Dems… and there is an enforced rule- they must stay on their own side of the street. The Dems to the North- the Reps to the South. I’ve seen cops enforce the rule by parking their patrol car to the side and blaring a horn and flashing their car lights every time one of them enters the crosswalk. Tonight though, there are no cops, so they test the limits, although only to a certain point. When the traffic light flashes the white “walk” sign, one Dem heads out to meet one Rep… they stop in the center of the road and whisper threats and accusations at one another, holding their signs high above their heads- looking at the surrounding cars for support, and then just barely making it back to their post before the light changes again.

It’s amazing. I laugh to myself as I walk to meet Kevin at the grocery store. Another boring day at work- but never a boring moment in Los Angeles.

Day of Remembrance

Three main things: college life, cabbage patch dolls, star crunches.

Sunday we had the usual Mosaic activities, and then afterwards Kevin and I headed down to Santa Monica to hang out with a group of college students from Pepperdine University (located in Malibu). We got Johhny's New York Pizza and then headed up to Malibu to get some coffee, play Apples to Apples, and visit the dorm/apartment of some of the students. It was so much fun to get to meet all of them... they were so friendly- inviting us in to their lives. I remembered how fun it was to be in college, to live with four women, and most importantly the way that "time" feels so different. This one is too hard for me to explain right now I think... lets just say I remembered nights that never have to end, friends that never have to leave, homework that always gets done even if you procrastinate.

On the way home we stopped by Target and I saw Cabbage Patch Dolls... I haven't seen those in years! I stopped in the aisle and walked over and said, "They still sell those?" and as I turned around another lady had stopped behind me, astonished as well. They even had hair made of yarn! I missed them so much I was tempted to buy one just for the sake of good memories... I remember in elementary school when my friends and I would hide them in our backpacks at school b/c we were embarrassed that we still played with dolls... yet we still loved them so much!
When I was 18 I worked at Cracker Barrel for a month or so (my typical length of employment for that time frame) and the kitchen staff used to call me "the cabbage patch girl" b/c my eyes are close together just like theirs. I hope they keep those dolls around at Target!

Lastly, Kevin and I found star crunch snacks! We used to eat thesein high school after lunch. I ate one star crunch EVERY DAY my junior year of high school until one day I suddenly got really grossed out (for reasons I still can't explain) and couldn't eat another one. We've been checking local grocery store isles for them recently so we were excited.

It was a great day.

Rambling: City of Dreams

From my perspective, that’s what LA seems to be… the City of Dreams. Reality is what you make of it.

You can live downtown in a high rise loft and be an ambitious business professional. You can live in the rundown back neighborhoods of Hollywood, taking acting classes at night while working the morning shift at Starbucks. You can live at Venice Beach, hang peace signs throughout your apartment, beg for money to smoke pot in your spare time, and surf all morning while the waves are high. You can live in the trendy Westside, where all the designers seem to work and live and while you sit in traffic- you can window shop from the countless showrooms and furniture/Italian kitchen stores you will slowly pass by. You can live downtown, or on the eastside, and attend a fashion design school while searching thru the warehouse district for hidden treasures. You can live just north of the city, where the families seem to gather, find a small house for around half a million dollars, and walk your children to school in the morning before heading out to work. You can be a tri-millionaire (is that even a word?) and live in Beverly Hills and spend as much money on your front lawn as you do on your car - because the landscaping is just as important to maintain as the rest of the material goods.

You can… do whatever you want.

At Mosaic they recently did a quick interview of random people they encountered on the street, asking them how much control they had over their future. Almost all of the people responded by saying they had a lot of control- all they had to do was make good decisions and choices today. And Erwin himself frequently says the most spiritual thing you can do is... choose.

Choose your dream. And then live it.

Raised in a more traditional church culture, I was raised to be “weary” of dreaming too big. You might hope for too much. (Or maybe I just told myself that.) As if it is only God’s job to dream of the future, and yours to just accept today. Or… if you are a big dreamer, you are too proud and need a more humble view of life. I think that’s the one that got to me the most. Somehow dreams got muddled in with pride so I found them impossible to separate. But… this City of Dreams makes me wonder, do I dare to dream? What am I willing to risk to find the life I was created for? I think I’ve found that it’s not a desire to be humble that kept my dreams small, but a lack of courage.

I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this. It just came up today as I wondered again about the future- as Kevin and I try to decide where we might be headed to next, this upcoming summer. I have to admit I feel so overwhelmed… there are too many options for me. But I also thought of an option for myself… usually I let Kevin do all the dreaming and then put it upon myself to just be the one who just focuses on making them come true… but today I had my own dream and so for what its worth, here it is: My new idea of the week:

It is quite simple really. I created such a huge intro that you all think this is amazing… so the reality of how small it is, is slightly embarrassing, but I’ve got to start somewhere. I want to teach. I want to be a college professor. Teach what? I have no idea; I think that’s why I have to go to huge cities like LA and maybe New York, or maybe San Francisco to find out. But that’s what I want to do. And since my parents are considering moving back to Denver in a few years, I’ve started to wonder if someday I’d go back too. I could teach at the University of Colorado, teach something, and it would be fun b/c Boulder is known for being crazy and liberal and natural/freedom loving so I’d fit right in. (Although I’m not fully any of those things, I’m just drawn to them strongly.) And if we ever do have children, my parents would be somewhere around so that they would get to know our kids and so they’d never be too far away (aka: So I could send my kids to them all the time)… countercultural from today’s “go out and leave your family b/c the world offers more” ideas. (And by my sudden anxiety about having kids in a huge city with nobody you know or trust around to help…. And we are nowhere close to having kids, but I got to keep including them b/c I’m afraid life will go by too fast and I’ll forget.) And… it’s the city, the state rather, that I grew up in. How fun to go out and live all these other places to return to where it all began for you. (Yes I know I was born, technically, in Wyoming, but… we moved to Denver soon after and so I don’t really count that.)

That’s my rambling for today.

South Bay Sports

Well... here we all are. This is my Santa Monica soccer team that I've played on since January (ten whole months). Its basically a year round league, although there are three seasons, they follow each other so closely, you are lucky if you get one week off. We play every Sunday afternoon, 18 blocks from the Pacific Ocean.

Last season, we won the Championships. Aparently, its been awhile since they've won one... since they have been playing together for years... they said the last time they won was maybe five years ago. Wow. Well... all that matters is that they DID win. I play for a championship team, even if that means every five years :)

My team is so fun and so LA and thats why I wanted to blog about it. I wanted to tell you about my teammates. Lets see... one is an avid reptile fan- he raises them in his backyard and takes them to huge "reptile rallies" around the state/country to sell/display. No joke. Another's job is to test drive Jeeps and test their "rolling" ability... to see how much they roll in crashes. He says Jeeps suck and roll the most of any SUV. Good to know, I guess. Another guy has lived in LA his whole life and is a pool boy. No pun intended, or maybe one is, but this pool guy could cast perfectly for the next American Pie movie. Another guy, originally from France, had a dream to write a book about world soccer- and so thats what he did. He spent years, every cent he had, and traveled the world interviewing every soccer team on the globe... and published a book. He is working on his revision now, in French. One of the women works for a non-profit organization that raises money and awareness for autism. Their next fundraising event, this weekend, is a Hollywood Premiere screening of the movie "El Cortez" starring Lou Diamond Phillips, with a VIP party following that includes free food and drinks and meeting the actors. And lastly, another one of the guys, is studying acupuncture and recently sent out an email asking if anybody would volunteer to be his dummy so he could try out his new techniques. The ones I didn't mention, I just don't know enough about yet.

Some info about me on this team: I am the youngest, the only one married, the only one from Kansas, and the only one that the team likes to call by my full name "nikki knox". Not just "nikki", not just "knox"... they love my name and say it all, with a laugh. Maybe I should be concerned about this?

Last Sunday was the last game of this season, and we've won all of our games except one. I have to admit, I've had a crappy season. I am just not playing well- can't get my head into the game. I've been so frustrated and sorta embarrassed, that I've thought about quitting, but... this team is just too crazy and fun to leave. Last week I played much better- but I really think its because our opponents were a team of "bar dancers" (no kidding!) that decided to form a soccer team, and then pass out little flyers with glamor shots of them, inviting people to come out and support them, or come by the bar. So today I have bruises all over the arms and legs... I thought to myself "what do models know about soccer" and learned real quick- they know how to throw those elbows, thats for sure. My arms prove it. I got into a fiesty match with a few, but we pulled through with minor injuries :)

Expected Release Date: Summer 2007

The latest fall fashion for the LA Knox Fam: NYC. This is Kevin's idea for the fall. The summer... was San Fran, but as the seasons change, so do our plans and I wanted to keep you all up to date with the latest. He's so excited he even bought a plane ticket for November, just after Thanksgiving, to check out the city, meet some church planters and go to a Mosaic conference. I have to admit... I'm still a fan of San Fran. But... we'll see where the Spirit leads.

"The wind blows whereve it pleases. You hear its sound, but you don't know where it is going or where it came from. So it is with everyone who is of the Spirit." John 3:8

cavity

I went to the dentist for the first time in almost two years this weekend. And I remembered why its been two years since my last visit. I've had several oral surgeries on my mouth since the time I was 13 and I have to admit... I am just sick and tired of doctors poking around in my mouth. It's a "lose lose" situation you see... b/c no matter how much you do to your teeth to make them "right" something will always go wrong in the future. They age, they weaken, they hurt. I just want one fix up and I'm done. No more of these check ups every six months.

So I have a cavity. The first cavity in my entire life that will require a shot to numb it before they can fix it. I'm scared to death... of the needle. Drilling, no problem, but a needle- we need to talk. I have no pain tolerance when it comes to those things. Kick me in the face with a soccer ball and I'm alright... stick a needle in me and I might faint.

I think the reason I am so dramatic about this is because I am so anal about my teeth- ask Kevin. I brush for mintues at a time, floss every day, try to avoid stuff thats "bad" for them. And I STILL got a cavity. Are you sure cavities aren't genetic? Next Saturday morning will be no fun. Keep me in your thoughts as I endure this endless pain :)

Fish Eggs and Bracelets

This is from last week… but it is too good to not share. Last week I tried fish eggs. And it was by accident too. LA is FULL of sushi places… and my co-workers love it. Every Friday we “younger” people go out for lunch and they really wanted to try this more authentic Japanese sushi place… so I willingly agreed. I couldn’t find anything on the menu that I could eat (AKA that was cooked) so I finally just pulled the server aside and asked for some simple California rolls. I was confident I would like those. They arrived… covered in tiny bright orange balls. I had no idea what these were so I took one bite of my food and asked a co-worker. She laughed really hard when she saw my face. “Fish eggs… are they always this orange?” Apparently they are… and they are crunchy too… but I just couldn’t get myself to mentally accept this so I didn’t eat another bite. Oh well, it was worth the experience.

Now for the bracelets… this one will take more imagination to understand. I got on the bus last week, somewhat perturbed b/c the bus was a half hour late, to look up and find a man sitting directly across from me. It was no ordinary man. He was tall, with cut off jean shorts, and dreads… and his arms were covered in those huge plastic bracelets… all the way up his arms, past his elbows. They are the kind of bracelets that you give to your kids… huge, plastic, pastel colored… and to top it off he had attached small stuffed animals to them, which hung down from his arms on strings. I so badly wanted to stare but just couldn’t be that rude… so I spent awhile using my cell phone to discreetly take a picture. I still look at it sometimes. I really think this was God’s way of trying to cheer me up b/c I frequently struggle with bad attitudes and traffic. He has quite a sense of humor sometimes.

The Drive to Work

This morning as I stepped outside, the air was unusually crisp... it felt as though a mist covered my skin as I walked, yet there was no rain. (And hasn't been for months now- the usual LA summer.) Something about the weather just before a rain creates a strange feeling of excitement... although the clouds cover the sky in a blanket of gray- I am oddly excited to be outside, on the way to work.

One good thing about at least an hour commute... I get to be outside more :) Today is one of those very rare days in which I get to drive the car so it will shorten my commute a little. To get to my office I have to drive over the Hollywood Hills... and although these hills aren't anything compared to mountains, they are still some massive hills... massive enough that sometimes the weather on one side is different from the weather on the other. We live on the valley side of the hills so it is typically hotter and drier... while the ocean side is always cooler, with a breeze and heavy fog (especially in the mornings). Today it seems the ocean side slid right over the hills... because both sides were the same- cloudy, the air heavy with moisture. For somebody who grew up in Colorado, the Hollywood Hills aren't really that impressive, but today they seemed more alive as though something about the moisture in the air awakened some vitality in them that the dry heat seemed to dull. There is something so comforting about the hills... the bushes and trees... the nature. Its like taking a long sip of a cool refreshing drink, before heading back down into the city. I wish I had time to pull over and just soak it in some more, but I was about to be running late already and the cars behind me are starting to catch up.

Deep Thoughts- be prepared

My hands tremble as I type tonight. I try to control the intensity of the emotions that I feel but the shaking reminds me that some things are just impossible to hide. Today Erwin talked about why God allows suffering... and the explanations that he gave based on multiple stories in the Word and also from his life made the reality of suffering all too real.

I feel it now as I just got finished talking with a dear friend. I love this friend so much, but he seems stuck in a cycle of suffering that quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by its centrifugal strength. I find myself suffering with him as he shares his stories and also as I remember my own past pains. We have all been hurt by those that we love... in fact the deepest hurt seems to come from those we know the best, the ones that we are most close to, the ones that our lives are bound to not by choice, but by blood. And the cycle that we can all easily find ourselves in, grows stronger and stronger and stronger with every breath we take as we continue to blame each other... I believe because we are all too insecure, too shallow, to just focus on the task of being responsible for ourselves- parents, teachers, professionals, coaches, and children, alike. Our judgement is so clouded by our self-righteousness, our justifications, our rationalizations, by our obsession with our "rights"... the cycle quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by these forces.
The number one reason Erwin gave for suffering is this: self-infliction. We are responsible for a lot of the suffering in the world. It is because He gave us the freedom of choice, the freedom of life, the freedom to think and be, that also gives us the freedom to hurt those we love the most. The scary thing is, as my friend shared his stories of hurt by another, I found myself quickly overcome with my own anger towards those who hurt me in a similar fashion... and in my head I screamed at them, and yelled, and as the intensity of my emotions grew... I saw myself lose control and hit them back. I saw myself inflicting on them, what they had inflicted on me. Then I suddenly stopped and asked myself, "would I really do that?" and silence covered my heart as I realized... I really could. I really could be that hurtful and vengeful and angry back. After all, I was justified- I had been hurt and was sick and tired of watching others be hurt the same way. After all, my self-righteousness cries out in my head, "well I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not like you." After all, my rationalization is that if I don't interfere this hurt will continue to spread... and its my "right" to defend and fight against those who inflict pain on others. Right? See... I suddenly entered the cycle myself... and now I'm just sad.

Because the reality of suffering, is that a lot of the time, its self-inflicted. Of course, a huge amount is due to the two others reasons he gave... but today I focus on the reality of the first one. How do we break these cycles that we enter into so easily? What hope is there for change?

There isn't I think- because no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect, we will never be able to avoid hurting those we love, whether intentionally or not. Our thoughts will always be clouded by our own self-centeredness and rationalizations. The only hope we have, I am convinced- is to embrace the humility to acknowledge the reality of this type of suffering, to not pretend we can escape it, to not blame it on others, and to embrace the only hope we have for change... something outside of ourselves, something greater, and most importantly, something that will never falter in love...

God, please change me. Show me anger that doesn't inflict pain on others, show me grace to quickly forgive others, show me love that moves beyond myself into the lives of others- that meets them where they are, show me- share with me, the compassion You have on me, that I might show it freely to others, knowing Your love. Help me, Father, to help those that are also suffering, that they might know peace and love and freedom... Cover us in humility that comes from knowing Your love and that is free from condemnation. Amen.

Download Erwin's complete talk to hear about the other reasons that suffering exists and the role of God in it all.
www.mosaic.org/podcast/

Union Rescue Mission

Kevin and I volunteered at the mission on Skid Row during the time lunch was served to the homeless women and childrens group (last Saturday). It was part of a Mosaic "Amos Project" day where they set up various volunteer projects throughout the city and encouraged the church to be pro-active in social affairs thru the story of Amos. Soup kitchens aren't at all new to me though, I used to love to volunteer for them in Kansas City while in high school. I have to admit, KC compared to LA's Skid Row... I was quite intimidated as we approached the shelter through the heavily littered streets of trash, tents, cardboard boxes, tarps, and people sitting as still as statues, their gaze fixed on some distant object only they can see.

There were so many volunteers in the kitchen that I decided to go wander around the tables, where the women and children were eatting. At first I had no idea what to do so I just watched or slowly walked amongst them, offering to pick up their trays when they were done or to get a drink refill. They all seemed so quiet, so tired, that I almost felt like trying to talk would somehow invade the cloud of silence that surrounded them. So I reverted back to an high school move where I would sit a few feet away from a person, seeing if I sensed any openness. I did this three or four times before I realized a lady a few feet away was watching my every move with curious eyes and so I slowly moved towards her.

I started with probably the dumbest opening line, but I had no idea what to say- "so, its pretty hot out there huh?" When she responded yes I sat down in front of her and we began to talk. She told me briefly about where she grew up, her educational background, etc. and then suddenly stopped and said, "are you a Christian"... and then told me all about how she hated Christians and how last night a group of them were walking through the streets signing worship songs at 11pm and how annoyed she was b/c she was trying to sleep... I told her I understood... then the security guards started ushering people out so that the next group of homeless people could come in and so our conversation was cut short.

As she got up to walk away she said with sudden assertiveness, "You are beautiful. You have a beautiful spirit. You are so beautiful." She caught me by complete surprise and all I could do was wave and whisper thanks as she quickly disappeared back onto the street again. I felt so strange after that. Afterall, I had come here to "minister" to them, and somehow, strangely, I felt like she ministered to me. You see, that woman was so beautiful to me, although the weariness of life hung on her every movement, there was something very distinctive about her eyes that drew me in and I wished I could follow her out onto the street, to sit with her, to learn from her life.

I wonder how tired I looked to her that day, b/c I felt the weariness of a busy life hanging on my every movement as well, and I could barely wait to sit down after lunch was over. In that one moment I sat with her, I suddenly felt as though we were somewhat the same. In this material world we live in, with tiredness knocking at our door, whether its because we lack employment and a steady job, or because our lives are too full of employment and an endless list of jobs to do... I almost missed a moment of beauty that day, b/c I was trying too hard to be busy, to serve... That woman, with nothing but a small bag and headphones, and a dragging stride, captured my heart with her honesty about her life and in the generosity of her words.

San Francisco: Our Two-Day Vacation

Riding the trolly thru downtown to the fisherman's wharf. A surprise discovery: we were taking a shortcut thru a plaza and came across a Martin Luther King Jr. memorial. It had the most inspiring and challenging quotes written on the wall. I wish I could have written them all down. I guess San Fran is also famous for all the civil rights movements that took place during King Jr.'s time.
Me at the memorial. (Kristina- I'm using the bag you gave me from New Zealand!)
Kevin at the chocolate factory. San Fran had one of the largest chocolate factorys in the early 1900s. It is now a quant plaza formed around chocolate shops. They had some of the old equipment on display... showing how they made their infamous chocolate fudge syrup.
At Sears... a breakfast restaurant downtown known for its Swedish silver dollar pancakes.
Of course, the Golden Gate Bridge. We rented bikes and rode them from the fisherman's wharf to the bridge, to the bridge park and back... over 20 miles. We were so exhausted afterwards we could barely move, but some Gelado sure helped :)
Looking up. At the Golden Gate Bridge park... a flower conservatory.

And, last but not least, Italian food! I tried pumpkin ravioli... so GOOD! Kevin even tried foods he's probably never even thought of- like crab stuffed tortellini and ham/swiss pizza. I was so proud of him!
We loved San Fran... it reminded me of an American version of Prague- famous bridge, fog always hangs over the water, clay tile roofs, trollys... maybe we'll end up moving here someday :)

Sacramento: Knox Family Wedding

Kevin and his father at the reception.

Knox/Howard family picture

Kevin and our nephew Ian. He is so great with kids!

Josh

Friday

My brother left yesterday to go back to Kansas City... just when I was getting used to seeing him everyday. So sad. I had to concentrate hard at work to keep the tears from creeping up.

And today... somebody brought brownies into the office... NO GOOD.

Did I mention I miss my brother?

Birthday Pics

Josh and Kevin starting a fire at our campsite (Leo Carrillo, north of Malibu.)
Me reading my new book (one of my birthday presents) State of Fear... awesome!
Dinner Friday night at the Melting Pot... good experience but way expensive.
Josh and I posing with another one of my birthday gifts, boogie boards.
Kevin and Josh catching a wave together.

Birthday!

Its my birthday tomorrow! I will be 24 years old. That sounds so old to me... Maybe because when I was young I always dreamed of being in my twenties and now that I'm here... It doesn't always seem real. 24, married, in Los Angeles, working for an educational architecture firm. This was so NOT the way I dreamed. I thought I'd be 24, in Chicago, working with inner city renovation projects and urban families, definitely single, punk rockish at heart... haha. Sex in the City last night talked about how it is so easy to see others clearly, but you always feel like you can never really see yourself. How can our opinions of ourselves be so ambiguous and unclear... When we can easily define and understand those around us? I have no idea. Its like me thinking I was fat in high school and then now when I look at pictures, I realize I was not. So much wasted time worrying about fat. I wonder now how much time I worry about things that only appear to be real, but in fact, aren't. Perception can be such a tricky thing. Funny thing is, I still struggle with that fat thing occasionally.

Anyways, to celebrate my 24 years and the life I never dreamed of (but am thankful that I have) we (Kevin, Josh and I) are going camping one night near the beach just north of Malibu. I took off work tomorrow so we can sleep in and then go boogie boarding during the day. (That was one of my birthday presents... Two boogie boards, b/c I can't swim or do anything in that huge, murky, cold ocean by myself so I made Kevin get one too.) Probably the best gift of all though, I must say, is getting to hang out with my brother and my husband. No material thing could ever equal the gift of their presence in my life today.

I'll write more on Monday!

Accident Prone?

Car Accident Duce. #2. This time it was more of a fender bender though so nothing was completely destroyed. I hit a truck in front in me at a stop sign. Boring story- lets just say the sun was blinding and there is never any approaching traffic at this stop, so why would somebody sit at it for awhile? Anyways, the point is that it happened again. My second accident in less than a year. Never had a ticket in my life either. I must be very unlucky, or I’m a horrible driver and don’t know it, or its just part of LA and having a long commute. I always seem to hit the nicest people in this city too because this guy, like the last, said “Don’t worry; this is LA; hope you can still have a good day”. And I’m the one that hit him. Or maybe it’s our Kansas tags… they evoke instant pity.

Regardless, I’m sick and tired of this and never want to drive or buy a dumb car again.

Ps. I’m perfectly fine and Kevin was not even a little bit mad at me. Our only concern is, how the heck are we going to pay for a new hood and maybe bumper and Kevin’s tuition for this fall?

Continuously Aware... on accident.

One of my co-workers that sits very near to me (less than 10 feet) loves to say the name of Jesus. She also loves to say God. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, she probably proclaims His name, with quite force and in utter frustration, over 15 times a day… more than I care to count. Today I finally found myself annoyed… can she just stop saying that? I wondered to myself if it would be too “Christianize” or “religious” to ask her to stop. I hate being labeled a “religious person” and that is one act that would definitely put me in that category forever. Its just one of those things I learned growing up in a churched family, not to do. And now its here, right next to me… over and over and over and over again. Really though, I think anything said that many times in a day could get a little annoying.

Then I remembered Erwin McManus talking about being continually aware of His Presence last Sunday… and suddenly I thought, maybe it’s not so bad to be constantly reminded of Him. See God knows I tend to forget about Him, especially if I am sitting in front of a computer for an extended period of time… and so has given me an angel to help me remember… He’s right here too.

That’s my profound thought for today. ;)

4th of July

Sometimes it really is like a dream (living in LA). For the 4th of July, Mosaic hosted an all day picnic... so Kevin, Josh and I went and played soccer the entire time. They had 5 v 5 games set up every 10 minutes so you'd do 10 minutes on the field, 10 minutes off. We played for FOUR hours. It was the perfect 4th of July; I couldn't have wished for anything better.

The reasons this is so cool: 1- soccer is a world sport and is just cool 2-Kevin played. his first time ever. he worked hard and blew me away with how well he picked up the game. he is finally not too cool to play soccer. 3-we meet a ton of new people, although all guys b/c for most of the day I was the only woman that played... I showed up to the picnic in work out clothes while most of the other girls were, of course, all fashioned up. This is LA afterall. For the first five minutes I was even a little embarrassed until I forgot about it. 4-Josh played soccer the whole time too and was great... he came close to scoring a few times (as did Kevin). 5- I took two left shots that shocked all the men there. 6- Erwin McManus played as well and I made sure I let him know hes just another guy on the field (just kidding).

After that we were too exhausted to do much else except sluggishly move around the apartment. We ended up finding a fireworks show down the street from where we live (at CBS studios) so we walked less than a mile, watched some fireworks, and walked home. For the first time in LA, we had absolutely no need for a car to do something fun.

Now Josh is in San Diego with Mosaic's high school youth group for a few days. I hope he has fun- they are going to ride go-carts, surf, watch the new Pirates of the Caribbean on opening night, and maybe rent a boat to go tubing. I am going to see some musical play called Tick Tick Boom tonight with an ex-co-worker and then tomorrow night I get to see an old friend from Colorado! We are busy these days, as always. Its been fun to have Josh in town, although I find I worry about him way too much- what will he eat, what can we do, etc. Kevin's been amazing... spending almost every moment with my brother. I hope they don't get too tired of each other before the five weeks is over!

First Josh weekend

The first weekend with my brother in town... been busy but good. I've been stressed trying too hard to make sure he's enjoying his time here, and have accidentally made the time a little less enjoyable by my stress. I'm sure this will phase out as we get used to our new family addition.

The first thing we did was see the new Superman movie.... it was SO long. When did movies get so long? When I go to stand up at the end of a movie, my knees hurt from being bent in one position and my back hurts from straining to get comfortable. Am I just getting old... or are movies just too dang long sometimes??

Today we went surfing. My friend from work, Pierre, gave Josh and Kevin some pointers. The waves were rough so Josh has a few bruises on his arms and stomack from where the board hit him when he went thru some big waves. I didn't even try after watching KV and Josh... I'm fine chillin on the side. See pictures above.

Oh yuck

The garbage disposal just broke. I was going thru our refrigerator and getting rid of old food... and now its broke. Its SO gross... I was trying to get rid of some old spagetti and it basically looks like somebody threw up in our kitchen sink. The worst part is... theres nothing I can do... so the apartment is starting to stink. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Kevin is out doing something with college students and won't be back til late tonight.... THIS IS SO GROSS.

On a different note, my brother Josh begins his five week stay with us tomorrow. The only thing I've really done to prepare is go thru our food and try to plan a grocery list for a growing 15 year old. Kevin will basically be hanging out with Josh full time, since I'll be at work for most of the day... so we are hoping they will find lots of volunteer like stuff to do so they don't get too bored or too tired of each other. I'll keep you updated.

Also... I finally passed the LEED exam... that environmental design one I've been talking about forever. Its finally over. I stress myself out way too much... when I got my results (you get them right after you finish b/c its all computerized) instead of leaping for joy I almost wanted to cry. I really did think there was a good chance I wouldn't pass... and so I was just relieved.

And now I'm going to walk back over to the kitchen and just hope that some miracle happened and its all made its way down the drain. SO GROSS.

Rats live in...

Palm trees. I had no idea until one of the architects in my office put me in charge of supervising landscaping for this new homeless transitional housing project I am working on… and he said “make sure there are no palm trees, because they attract rats”. Craziness. I guess they make nests in the dead leaves that drape over the top part of the trunk, unless the trees are routinely groomed.

To the women of Kansas… I found an actual person named DWIGHT. Believe it or not, Dwight Yorke plays for the Trinidad and Tobago world cup soccer team. Somebody else out there beat me to it. (Naming my kid “Dwite” or “Dwight”) (Yes it was just a joke)

Lastly, I have finally scheduled my LEED exam for next Saturday, June 24th. I almost didn’t want to tell anybody in case I didn’t pass it, but oh well. (And because I’ve been talking about it FOREVER.) I’ve been trying to study… so much information about things like energy efficiency and which chillers are better than others… to how to use window placement to maximize natural ventilation. And I’m not really sure what a chiller even is either. (But at least I know what makes one more efficient.)

Kevin is out of town for almost a week in Kansas, visiting friends and family. He is really excited to reconnect and continue developing his vision, our vision, for the future.
That means I’ll be home alone for a little while. It gets a little boring at night, and I have a really hard time falling asleep… but it is definitely helping me study (and watch as many world cup games as I can.)

Go Ghana!! (That’s my underdog team to win the world cup this year.)

Worshipping the Creator by Saving Creation

This weekend: AIA convention in downtown LA. I'm going with two girls from work and my friend Cheyne from HOK. There will be lots to learn and I finally get an opportunity to hang out with co-workers outside of the office!



“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
2 Corinthians 5:17

Most Christ-followers know that when one experiences the salvation that comes thru grace and love, our lives don’t automatically start over, but are transformed. The old is made new. God heals our wounds, restores our strength, empowers us with His love… and we are “made new” or “reborn”. Could our transformation represent what will also happen to the world in the end times?

Bruxy Cavey of the Meeting House (www.themeetinghouse.ca) is currently giving a series of talks about Organic Worship: Worshipping the Creator by Saving Creation. This blog entry is a reflection of his thoughts and includes phrases and statements that he gives.

This was the most interesting thought to me:
Replace “lifeboat theology” with “ark theology”. Lifeboat theology is based on the Titanic. The ship (our world) has already hit the iceberg. It’s too late to prevent it from going down. Our goal now should be to get as many people as possible in the lifeboats.
Ark theology is based on what God did thru Noah and the floods. He came then to make everything new, saving the good of the old. The new was the old transformed. He saved all of His creation, not just select human beings.

I didn’t realize how Gnostic I could be (even as one who claims to be an environmentalist). Gnostic: the belief (among other things) that matter is bad and spirit good.

There is too much information to post without writing my own book so I’ll include a list of bulletins (trying to summarize as much as I can). I just thought it was so interesting… I hadn’t thought about some of these things (if at all) in a very long time.

BUT… isn’t this world destined for destruction and replacement? (Isaiah 65:17; 2 Peter 3:10-13; Revelation 21:1)
Maybe, maybe not. It depends on how you interpret Scripture and the resurrection. In 1 Cor. 3:11-15, fire is referred to as purifying. Maybe when the earth is consumed by fire, the good withstands while the bad is burned away? Bruxy says regardless of whether you believe it’s an entire new world, or this world restored… we were still commanded to care for it. An interesting thought: Parents tell their children to brush their teeth when they are young. Why? They lose all their baby teeth anyways… but you know it is necessary for them to learn to care for them regardless.

BUT… aren’t Christians supposed to be looking forward to being taken out of this world to live in heaven? (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 “will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air”)
Bruxy talks about Jewish culture: it was common practice for an entire town to go outside the city gates and meet a visiting King and then escort him to the town. Maybe we’ve forgotten to value the Jewish culture and the context these verses were written in. Maybe we meet God in the air, and then escort Him back to a restored earth?

BUT… isn’t our salvation waiting for us in heaven? (1 Peter 1:4) You hold beers in the refrigerator… but that doesn’t mean you have to climb into it to get one.

BUT… if resurrection is our destiny, what happens to us when we die? (Luke 23:43; 2 Cor. 5:8) Jesus and the gospels refer to death frequently as sleep. Maybe we sleep to awake in a restored state?

Lastly, in Gen. 1:26-28, we are to “rule over” the earth… but later in mark 10:42-45, Jesus says, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Just some interesting thoughts… and now I must return to work!

Nutella (so good)

I decided to meet with one of the principals of our company to discuss my current thoughts and explore what possible opportunities might be available for me here (since I decided to decline the two job offers of a few weeks ago.) I explained how I felt like I had been struggling to focus and how getting a better idea of what the summer looks like for me here might help me have a vision to focus on. So… in the next few weeks I will start working on a PATH (people assisting the homeless) housing project. I’m not quite sure what that entails but it sounds pretty interesting (and a good break from redlines and educational stuff).

I feel bad b/c I did all that complaining and then ended up staying here (for the time being). I don’t want to be one of those naggy women that complain all the time and do nothing about it. Yuck.

So we’ll see what the next few weeks bring. I just want to work hard and do something I can put my heart into (something I can care about).

That’s it for this Friday. Tonight we go to see that new X-men movie with a few friends of ours and maybe I’ll eat a Nutella crepe for dinner! I LOVE crepes! (and nutella) (maybe I like nutella more but it is so much better on a crepe)

Has anybody seen that Breakup movie with Jennifer Anniston? Kevin and I previewed it for free a few months ago. Our apartment manager works for some movie company that invites random people to view movies months before they are released to study the public’s reaction to it. Kevin and I had to fill out some survey thing saying what we thought and then we were asked afterwards to be part of a discussion (they asked about 25 people to stay and do this- I guess Kevin and I looked like we’d have a lot of input). Anyways, the ending of the movie sucked and we complained about it a lot and I heard rumors afterwards that they changed it… so now I am anxious… what is the ending like? We’ll find out someday.

Memorial Day Weekend

Saturday night: Huntington beach side fire with Chris and Michelle Tidwell (to the right) and Ryan and Jess Roberts (on the left). We sucessfully roasted hotdogs and marshmellows!









Sunday: We got to spend a few hours with Kristina during her layover between KC and New Zealand. We picked her up at the airport around 1pm and had her back for her next flight by 9pm. She's safely in New Zealand now... it was sad to see her go... I miss my sister! (and the other one as well)

In this picture, the Hollywood sign is somewhere behind us.




Kevin ran into Spider Man in Hollwood.


















Another Hollywood pic.













And of course we had to stop by the famous Ditty Reise for a $1 ice cream sandwich!

I stand while I sit

I woke up last weekend and felt like I'd never slept. I knew my body had laid relatively motionless for a few hours, but my mind hadn't even paused. I vaguely remember counting the different issues on my mind that night... in the midst of my dreams I counted more than I could ever remember. I thought it strange that in the midst of my sub consciousness I attempted to count the things on my mind... I just awoke and lay there, thinking "what? I'm already tired again." That's the first sign, outside of the office, of burnout. I am burned out.

I should say burnt. That was last weekend. Last Friday I left the office seriously uncertain if I could force myself to come back in on Monday. Thankfully, a Mosaic conference was scheduled for that next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I took all those days off. Saved just in time. I had two options: quit my job or take a vacation. I got sent to a conference instead.

And now its Friday again and I am sitting in the office with just about nothing to do. Most of the architects are out visiting a job site so there is nobody to bother. I hate being this kind of employee... I want to work with all my heart and use my mind to focus on the latest conflict... but I sit now on a sea of relative stillness... thankful that a three day weekend awaits. I feel one step away from being drowned in a sea of anxiety, but something keeps me hanging on, one step above the abyss of meaninglessness.

The three day conference, Origins, was amazing. I find it hard to explain what exactly it was about... "Creativity" is what I usually say. Creativity in spirituality. I'm still trying to process all these ideas although I feel like I knew this in the depths of my soul - but I was/am too lost in the crashing waves of change to focus and express them. My goal this weekend... to blog it out. Its too important for me to not attempt to share.

Until then, I sit, fearful that my body might waste away, but believing my soul cannot. And that's the only thing I can stand on today.

LA5

Wednesday lunch at In and Out Burger. The second time I've ever been there. I went with a friend, somebody I met on Monday. She flew in from Iowa for the Mosaic conference that we both attended. I was sad to see her go on Wednesday night.

In and Out was so busy... there was practically no place to stand and definitely nowhere to sit. As we waited for our orders to be completed, we were invited by two men to sit at their table. We were in an outgoing mood so we immediately sat and began to converse with our two new friends. Turns out they work for their own company... an older man named Will (I think) and his hired hand, Carlos. Will's introduction began like this, "I'm a devote heretic." I really think he said that to induce a certain reaction, as he could tell we in town for some sort of church conference b/c of our badges and b/c my Iowa friend had mentioned it. Andrea and I decided to playfully engage Will by asking him to clarify. At this point in time I don't remember his answer but he did give some dictionary sounded response. He said he was a religious scholar and to prove his wisdom began telling us about ourselves based on the year we were born and astrology stuff.

They were fascinated by me... saying that I was born split between two (constellations or something?) so parts of me are more rebellious while parts are calm. The latter being the reason I had two ear piercings, and former being my soft-spoken voice. They continued to stare at my quizzically as I tried, really, not to laugh. Not because I felt they were fools, but because of the looks on their faces. They ended their attempts to figure me out by saying I was very loyal due to the Chinese year of the dog. I admired their knowledge of astrology and Chinese stuff and would have loved to continue but our order came and we had to leave to get back for the next seminar like thing.

I really enjoyed our conversation. They gave me their card and said to call if I ever needed some sort of construction work done (knowing I worked in an architectural field). I really hope I do find a reason to converse with them again.

random question... but serioulsy

What do you do to keep your feet and shoes from stinking... if you don't like to wear socks? Seriously!

No peace

I decided to pass on both jobs. The last few days have been so stressful trying to decide what to do. I am amazed at how much I struggled with discernment and at how quickly I became frustrated b/c of my indecisiveness. I was reminded once again of how harsh I can be on myself and how maybe, just maybe, I put expectations on myself that God isn't even a part of. I felt extreme pressure to take "risks" b/c that is all that Mosaic talks about... I felt so pressured I thought I might just take the product job to avoid feeling like a failure, like I've missed out. But the closer I got to trying to accept it, the more unrest I experienced. So finally, I've decided that due to lack of peace, I cannot accept either job. It seems crazy to me, I wanted so desperately to logically figure it out... but I couldn't. And maybe that in itself is the answer. Did I fail to trust God to strengthen me to endure the 3 hour daily commute, or to provide a new place to live and a car? Maybe I did. Or maybe I decided in my head what I thought trust looked like and I was wrong. Maybe trust is believing that God cares more about my work and my "talents and strengths" then even I do, that He'll provide other amazing opportunities b/c of His love for me, that He isn't out to test me and trick me and make me feel like I've only got once chance or nothing ever. And maybe, I just have a stinking hard time getting myself to just say "no". I try to conquer all, achieve all, be all, do all, and finish all. And I forget why I'm here. Its not about being the best, getting the best job, having the best experience b/c you've got to- its LA... I don't know. Maybe someday I will. Maybe God just saved me, once again, from myself.

Decisions

I have a lot of decisions to make this weekend. Actually its the several decisions that need to be made, but one that will in turn lead to several other decisions. I've had three interviews in the last two weeks and today I've had two job offers. It has the potential to change our life quite a bit.

First job opp- the "safer" option I feel like. Work in downtown LA (so I could take the subway to work, cutting my commute to 30 minutes each way instead of the over an hour that I have now) for a firm that focuses on interiors for commercial environments. (meaning office buildings) I'd start by helping another interiors lady (that seemed quite nice at the interview) with credit unions (bank design). I'd get great space planning experience although there is a possibility that after awhile it could get redundant (b/c credit unions are all somewhat the same although they fit into different size spaces.) They encourage my environmental design thing but aren't fully into that field yet although they may have a few projects interested in that. Oh yes- I'd make slightly less than I do now.

Second option- the "far more risky" option. Make a completely different career move into high end (very expensive) product design. This office is so LA its hard to describe. Fast-paced, figure it out as you go, may have extensive travel involved to China, Flordia and Italy if needed. Into developing new materials and products, specifically for condos and hotels. I'd start by working on a spa in Flordia, designing a lot of the furniture/products, etc. In a few months, if I'm doing well, they said they'd send me there to check it out and finish it. Only problem, at this job I'd have to face my greatest weakness- confidence. They need an assertive individual who commands respect from men. (yes they said that b/c this field is mostly male). I'd make a few thousand more than I do now... but would have to use that immediately to either move or invest in a comfortable vehicle b/c this job is near the beach (if we stayed in studio city, my drive would be closer to two hours on a bad traffic day- one way; hence the reason we'd move near the beach and pay a higher rent). Exciting and very intense. One downfall, environmental stuff is harder to apply in this field although it is possible that in the next few years it will be easier and more strongly encouraged to use it in product design as well.

I need to think. I have to let them both know on Monday. AHHHH the pressure.