No peace

I decided to pass on both jobs. The last few days have been so stressful trying to decide what to do. I am amazed at how much I struggled with discernment and at how quickly I became frustrated b/c of my indecisiveness. I was reminded once again of how harsh I can be on myself and how maybe, just maybe, I put expectations on myself that God isn't even a part of. I felt extreme pressure to take "risks" b/c that is all that Mosaic talks about... I felt so pressured I thought I might just take the product job to avoid feeling like a failure, like I've missed out. But the closer I got to trying to accept it, the more unrest I experienced. So finally, I've decided that due to lack of peace, I cannot accept either job. It seems crazy to me, I wanted so desperately to logically figure it out... but I couldn't. And maybe that in itself is the answer. Did I fail to trust God to strengthen me to endure the 3 hour daily commute, or to provide a new place to live and a car? Maybe I did. Or maybe I decided in my head what I thought trust looked like and I was wrong. Maybe trust is believing that God cares more about my work and my "talents and strengths" then even I do, that He'll provide other amazing opportunities b/c of His love for me, that He isn't out to test me and trick me and make me feel like I've only got once chance or nothing ever. And maybe, I just have a stinking hard time getting myself to just say "no". I try to conquer all, achieve all, be all, do all, and finish all. And I forget why I'm here. Its not about being the best, getting the best job, having the best experience b/c you've got to- its LA... I don't know. Maybe someday I will. Maybe God just saved me, once again, from myself.