I stand while I sit

I woke up last weekend and felt like I'd never slept. I knew my body had laid relatively motionless for a few hours, but my mind hadn't even paused. I vaguely remember counting the different issues on my mind that night... in the midst of my dreams I counted more than I could ever remember. I thought it strange that in the midst of my sub consciousness I attempted to count the things on my mind... I just awoke and lay there, thinking "what? I'm already tired again." That's the first sign, outside of the office, of burnout. I am burned out.

I should say burnt. That was last weekend. Last Friday I left the office seriously uncertain if I could force myself to come back in on Monday. Thankfully, a Mosaic conference was scheduled for that next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I took all those days off. Saved just in time. I had two options: quit my job or take a vacation. I got sent to a conference instead.

And now its Friday again and I am sitting in the office with just about nothing to do. Most of the architects are out visiting a job site so there is nobody to bother. I hate being this kind of employee... I want to work with all my heart and use my mind to focus on the latest conflict... but I sit now on a sea of relative stillness... thankful that a three day weekend awaits. I feel one step away from being drowned in a sea of anxiety, but something keeps me hanging on, one step above the abyss of meaninglessness.

The three day conference, Origins, was amazing. I find it hard to explain what exactly it was about... "Creativity" is what I usually say. Creativity in spirituality. I'm still trying to process all these ideas although I feel like I knew this in the depths of my soul - but I was/am too lost in the crashing waves of change to focus and express them. My goal this weekend... to blog it out. Its too important for me to not attempt to share.

Until then, I sit, fearful that my body might waste away, but believing my soul cannot. And that's the only thing I can stand on today.