Angst: the language of April (although it's June now)

I need to make a commitment. This is where I am. This is where I chose to be. Make a commitment and stick to it. Do the best I can do here. I can doubt and question my decision or wish I was somewhere else... but neither of those things change reality- they just give me a negative attitude about it. If the present is not good enough, when will the future ever be? I'm afraid I've created unhealthy patterns of survival. If I let my doubts, my fears control my perspective than I am doomed to be be stuck in a disappointing cycle of unmet expectations and dreams that move further away.

Can I trust Him? Can I believe that He has me here for a purpose, for a meaning, for a mission, that will impact the world and make a difference in His movement? Can I trust Him when the world around me tells me to give up my dreams and adjust to the boredom of reality? Can I trust Him when they laugh when I talk about what might be possible and what I hope for? Can I believe it is really possible to live fully and freely despite the fact that most of those around me are already dead?

The words "you are a stranger" come to mind... and I remember their truth, but yet still, so much of me just longs to belong, to be one of them, even if I know it will all mean nothing in the end. I live torn between two worlds, two ways, two lives that are impossibly intertwined and interconnected. Sometimes I forget which is which. The world or You... you both speak so loudly to me... I want to cover my ears because I feel so easily overwhelmed but then I know that will blot out Your voice as well... so I keep trying to listen. I wander, almost lost, between all the noise, and at some moments, it overtakes me and the anxiety covers my heart like a fishing net I can't escape from.

I try to remind myself that hearing is a blessing, a gift. And sometimes, Your Voice blocks out all the others and I can hear Your peace. Sometimes I can sit in the midst of the crowded places and feel the stillness of Your presence. Sometimes, I can hear Your voice among all the others, but I know which one is Yours and so my two worlds are aligned; I don't need to escape one to reach the other. Those moments are the best.