Secrets of the sidewalk

"Remain inside."

Twice this week I've been asked to remain inside due to violence or police activity outside. The first time was at the office... an email warns us to "avoid the back lot due to police activity". We all receive the email simultaneously and look up - a group of about 20 moves to the windows wondering what could possibly be happening out there. We see nothing but a cop or two walking around.. the action is just out of view and we return to our desks.

Then last night - we arrived at a pizza/bar place down the street from a friends. We arrived at 10:30 and saw police cars parked across the street... but no activity. It looked similar to a police car pulling somebody over on the side of the road. We wondered why there were five police cars and hardly any people even out.

Within minutes, as we sit inside and order pizza - the servers go to the front and lock the doors - as a person running by bangs on the glass of the windows. We are asked by the bar to remain inside with drinks on the house until the police release us. We watch as hundreds of youth take off running in the street - and as police take out rubber bullet guns. We suspect a gang fight and now understand the overload of cops earlier. They knew what was coming.

Within the hour the streets are cleared yet a few police cars remain to enforce the peace. The bar tells us we are free to leave and asks us to be careful as we walk home.

We walk outside... the streets the same as the often are. I feel a mixture of emotions... At first it is unreal and my curiosity far outweighs my sense of fear, or reality. Then sadness, as I realize this isn't the film set of an action movie, but the real lives of some of those who live here. Then fear - this is not a joke - we begin to honestly pray that nobody gets hurt.

It is here one minute and gone the next. As we walk back to the car I tread carefully on the sidewalk - oh the stories the concrete holds in silence...

Twice this week. Twice too much.

The Greenest City in California

According to the Daily Californian, I live in the greenest city in California - Albany. At least, politically. That means my city is the most politically environmentally minded group in the state. Are our political views reflected in the way we live our lives? The article believes so, as it evaluates the number of hybrids and LEED buildings. However, both of these things, LEED and hybrids, tend to appeal to the small minority of us that can afford them. But the simple and small things - inexpensive and unimpressive - we can all do. Such as compost - Albany picks up all your organic and garden waste and composts it for you. All you have to do is throw your green waste into the bin. According to the book, Garbage Land, sixty percent of our daily household trash is compostable. That includes food stained paper and cardboard, unused vegetables, coffee grinds, and grass clippings (if any of us actually had grass). The hardest part about it is taking the time to dump the greens - before your kitchen starts to smell :)

Another small step - biking (or cycling if you prefer). Granted, you have to purchase a bike... but $400 for a simple road bike compared to the cost of a car - with insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. - it will pay itself off within a month. The Bay area has already built in numerous bike lanes and routes - and provides websites to help you navigate the city, such as 511.org. The perceptions of biking have got to change - from something only upper class people who need to exercise do - to something everybody can do. Heck - I see homeless people riding bikes all the time (which is a good reminder to keep them locked when not in use.) We recently gave up one of our cars and I've been riding my bike to and from work every day. Thankfully, in the SF Bay area this is relatively easy to do as my office is only four miles away from our house and as the temperature is usually somewhere in the low 60s in the morning. Perfect for a less sweaty early morning ride :)

The last thing I'll mention today is partnering with a CSA (community supported agriculture) program. We have a delivery site for Full Belly Farm less than 200 feet from our house - and there are multiple delivery sites throughout the East Bay. This might not sound simple initially - and the cost might raise some doubt - but the $17 we pay twice a month provides almost too much vegetables for our small family to eat. It saves me a trip to the grocery store, keeps us seasonal and local, and I love the challenge of figuring out how to use all the stuff we get. Beyond that, the Ecology Center in Berkeley is determined to widen access to local farmer markets to make them more affordable for all. They have volunteers set up small sidewalk stores all over the city on different days of the week.

Waste reducing compost, oil free bike riding, and vegetable providing CSA's are some of those simple, inexpensive steps that all East Bay residents can aspire to - so that our "greenness" isn't measured just by hybrids and LEED buildings alone - but by the way we change our life in the small things.

Day 12 of 21

Barely hanging on. My determination to stick to the fast dissipated on day 11. I caved at dinner when a server put a bread basket right in front of my plate. I caved later that night when somebody gave me a gift basket full of chocolate. Man... am I feeling it today! I am not ready to quit though... and I think we'll make this last week more spiritual than the previous ones. The first two were more about detox and health. The last one will be about restraint and pursuing our community. That should help strengthen our resolve for the last seven days!

Though the results of the first 12 days haven't been near as dramatic or noticeable as I was hoping (at least for me), there are some things I've noted:
1. Meal planning is significantly quicker because the meals are simplified. Adding meat and dairy adds so much more complexity - so much more planning and preparation.
2. Meal planning is essential. I must think about what foods are available and plan ahead - to prevent moments of desperation for things that don't really satisfy.
3. Food is personal. We've had more conversations about food than I can count. Everybody's background and culture contribute significantly to the things we choose to eat.
4. We don't know much about food. In many of our conversations, we'll discuss our beliefs about food. One friend was fully convinced grapes were completely empty of vitamins. Another promises the skin is the most healthy part. Another person swears by tomato juice. We aren't even sure what "whole grain" even really is.
5. I'm tired. The first few days I'd fall asleep by 10pm. The night I caved and ate chocolate (at 9:30pm) I was up until 3am. All those dang sugars...
6. It is readily apparent how stubborn I am. Some days I will literally wait until I am starving before I'll eat a fruit or a vegetable or a nut or a grain.
7. Fruit and granola tastes great. This is one new food I am hoping to continue eatting after the fast.
8. It is cheap. Cutting out animal products cuts out a lot of cost.
9. I just want to eat some chocolate.

Nine more days left!

Day 3 of 21

We started a 21 day detox this week – in an attempt to help ourselves make “healthier” food choices by breaking some of our addictions (to meat, sugar, processed stuff). Our current food choices include all vegetables and fruit, whole wheats, oats, barley, etc., nuts and beans.

The first two days my excitement about getting healthier sustained me. Today, though, I don’t want to eat any of the approved foods. I am thankful that I spend most of my days at the office because it helps limit my access. Today I sat at my desk starting at my salad, thinking I’d rather go hungry than eat it. But eventually I gave in to my hunger and consumed the salad.

You may be laughing – thinking how hard can it really be? But we are not fruit and vegetable people! I keep hoping that somehow this will change my attitude towards vegetables. Maybe I’ll actually want to eat them! But as my initial excitement wears off, my hope slowly diminishes. Today I dread eating – not another vegetable or fruit or bean please!

Incomplete thoughts about pigs

The phrase "the pigness of pigs" keeps swirling around in my mind and I find my thoughts returning to it regardless of how irrelevant to the moment it is. I first came across this phrase as I was reading The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. In this section of the book he was visiting a truly organic small farm in Virginia and working alongside the interns and farmers. The day he used the phrase is the day he witnessed the pigs plowing through manure. Unfortunately I can't remember all the details (like what animals did the manure belong to, chickens or cows?) but I'll try to paint a vague picture so you'll appreciate the phrase as much as I did. I guess that pigs like something in manure and as they plow through it the hooves of their feet compost the pile into incredibly rich soil (which is then put over the fields). Pollan was explaining the complexity of relationships on the farm and how beautifully the entire system works together.



He was amazed as he watched their little tails wiggle as they worked their way through the pile. I guess pigs are relatively intelligent animals and can express happiness and also despair. On this little organic farm, the pigs wiggled their tails in pleasure. In factory farms, their tails are cut off so that as they move through the assembly line, the pig behind them won't be tempted to chew it – as they tend to do when in despair.


I am laughing as I type – here I am talking about manure and pig tails. Yuck! I can't believe the kind of stuff my gnawing curiosity will drive me to read!



The book continues with a discussion on how both the organic and factory farm pigs are, in a sense, exploited. One exploits them as a matter of efficiency and production, the other as a way of "celebrating" what the pigs naturally love to do. The small, organic farm had mastered "the pigness of the pigs."



One possible reason this phrase is soaking in my thoughts is because of its correlation to what I believe Mosaic is attempting to do (as I said, in my mind.) There is a type of church that exploits humans for the sake of safety. The other exploits humans as a tool of empowerment to change the world. Utilizing the "humanness of the humans" in a sense. I think that one type of church is convinced all "humanness" is bad while the other is attempting to empower the parts of "humanness" that reflect the image of God.



In the end, both pigs will be slaughtered and it is the meat that will determine their end value. Some may argue that since both ways achieve the same end – why does it matter what method was used to get them there? It is a valid question, to be sure, and one I don't think I can address in this post. I know I am leaving so much left undiscussed...



I know that as I write about this I am over-simplifying in great ways. The "pigness of the pig" doesn't easily translate into the "humanness of the human", especially if the farm is substituted for the church. However, I think its worth some thought – I know it will be in mind for quite awhile.

Person of Peace

Speak the Music event last week – an event dedicated to supporting the art of beatboxing. I absolutely LOVED it – I spent most of the night in awe of the all of the different sounds.

I caught my mind scheming about different ways to change myself to “fit in” here – to be more like them – with the music and passion I so admire.

Oh it all sounds so dumb in a post!!

Moving on… I don’t like to think of myself as one who wants to “fit in” at all. Normally I’d reject the idea altogether with a laugh. But then Speak the Music happened – and now I have undeniable proof – of my longing to be accepted. To belong.

For a lot of my life I’ve felt like I didn’t quite fit. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. I wasn’t skinny enough, fast enough, bold enough. I spent many years in silence being shy. I don’t remember speaking much at all in middle school. I went through so many stages – with every new crowd I’d try a new thing. Like that time I tried to be a “skater” for a month. I borrowed a black pair of Jinkos from a friend and pretended I could ride a skateboard. Then I tried the pot-smoking crowd. They were so friendly and accepting. But I really didn’t care to smoke, though I tried. Then there was the church youth group – but the only reason I fit there for awhile was because my mother convinced the older girls to have pity for me and take me in. (When they accidentally became my real friends, they told me the truth.) Then there was the gangster stage when I learned some slang, braided my hair, and pretended I was “street smart.” The list goes on and on… maybe I should call it “The People I tried to be”.

In the last few years, my disdain for myself has become unavoidable and readily apparent. I was never enough… for me. Of course I could blame it on my parents, but as the time continues to pass and the distance between us grows, it becomes more of a stretch. I can’t keep blaming others for the things I chose to believe.

I spent so many years as a wanderer – lost – searching. I traveled around the world – to China, Europe, Africa, and South America – all in search of myself.

I remember why I hated living in Los Angeles so much. It wasn’t me and I wasn’t enough. The flawless beauty and fashion of the women around me only helped me remember myself as plain and ordinary. I remember a year and a half into it, when I finally found the words to say “I don’t like who I’ve become.”

What then? Where do you go next? I had to endure. I survived. My determination outweighed my faintness of heart. Because although I may be lost – I am not a quitter. (Though I quit like 15 jobs in high school – but that was then.)

Then, finally, we moved here. Here. I determined last night that regardless of whether or not I ever married Kevin, we (God and I) would have eventually came here. I don’t know how long it would have taken – but we would be here. This is my place of peace. This is the time for my heart to heal and accept who I am and who I am not… and live. There is something to be said about a person of peace. I want to be that person.

Season of Silence

I’ve been on a reading binge. My hunger for knowledge and new information compels me to retreat into my thoughts. With every page, I feel myself pulled deeper and deeper – into the expanses of my mind. It is an unending voyage. I could set sail and disappear forever in the adventures of the infinite horizon.

Though the ring of my cell phone quickly brings me back to the front porch where I now sit, it takes me nearly a half hour to transition my mind – to tie up the boat and step back onto the dock. Promises to return help calm my irritation.

Back in the busyness I feel slightly awkward and out of place. Not much has changed since I’ve been gone – but I feel so different. I even begin to wonder if I left my social skills behind… or if I ever had them to begin with. I want to apologize and tell them not to worry, “I am just an introvert,” yet those words make me cringe. I do not want to be misunderstood. I love people. The intensity of my curiosity could drive me to devote hours and days and weeks and months to studying their thoughts. I could stand in silence forever just to be able to listen to their voices.

Iron Jawed Angels

Ishmael the Gorilla, Part II

Did God stop creating once man was created?
Was the world created for man... or was man created to be part of all creation?
What did the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil represent?
What if we had ate from the Tree of Life instead?
Does intelligence evolve over time?

To use a metaphor that Ishmael mentioned, I feel like a tourist in my hometown. Residents don't act like tourists because they don't need to - they know their land. They know the monument that sits in the town square and the boats that sail in the bay. There is no need to revisit them and take pictures to refer back to - for they are embedded in our minds and in our consciousness - or are they? I feel like a tourist in my hometown. I thought I knew what it looked like, but at a second glance I am surprised. Is this what I saw last time I was here? Is this what the tourists see?

Everybody has colored lenses that they view life through. Our lenses are built from our past - our experiences, our thoughts, our personalities, our talents, our hopes, our dreams... they are uniquely ours. Often times it seems we search for people in life that have similar lenses to our own. Its only natural I think - a result of an innate desire to belong to someone, with something. To belong.

And now I'm twenty five. There is nothing special about my age - but it has changed my quest - my search. My desire to belong has not disappeared, nor has it been checked off as if I've managed to complete it - a new quest has merely filled my time and my thoughts. I can't quite name it yet and I hesitate to do so. As if slapping on a name would confine the quest in unexpected ways. All I know is this - before I was even aware of what I was doing, I've managed to slip on different pairs of lenses. Lenses so different, sometimes contrasting, to the one I once refused to live without.

At times I feel fear - as if I'm losing my mind or on the verge of going crazy. At other times I feel enlightened - as if I'm seeing life for the very first time.

I'll leave you with a quote from Ishmael, a very different, abstract lens...
"In other words, the world doesn't need to belong to man - but it does need man to belong to it. Some creature had to be the first to go through this, had to see that there were two trees in the garden, one that was good for gods and one that was good for creatures. Some creature had to find the way and if that happened, then there was just no limit to what could happen here. In other words, man does have a place in the world, but its not his place to rule. The gods have that in hand. Man's place is to be the first. Man's place is to be the first without being the last.
Ishmael, pg. 243, Daniel Quinn

Ishmael the gorilla

Last night I started reading the first book I’ve ever checked out of the library (at least since we’ve moved here) – Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. The book immediately captivated me and as I sit in my office this morning, I dream about being able to read again. Nine more hours till I get to re-enter into the adventure… nine more hours.

While I wait, and as I work, I think about what I’ve read so far. In the two chapters I’ve had the pleasure of reading, the book talks about the captivating effects of culture. Like an animal forced to move forward in a stampede – so the movement of culture can make us face a direction we didn’t exactly choose. It talks about how culture whispers to us constantly – a voice so consistent that it disappears into the background. Like a constant buzzing – it is always there, just under the radar of our consciousness.

My thoughts wander to a news update I heard this morning as the alarm went off. It was a report from Texas about the upcoming elections. The reporter was interviewing a few people from one of those massive mega churches. When asked about who they would vote for, the Christians remarked, “Well of course we’re voting for Huckabee because he’s a Christian.” After a few more seconds, and a few more comments directed at Hillary and the roles of women in leading, I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to turn it off. I calmed myself by imagining that if I silenced my radio it somehow silenced it to the rest of the world.

Now back to culture – I ponder the relationship between Jesus and culture. He was magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural at the same time. The more I learn about him, the more I admire his mysticism and genius. The church, or rather the body of believers that follow Jesus, have a difficult model to imitate. When I think about the Texas mega Christians I can’t help but think they missed it – they thought that creating their own sub-culture apart from the “worldly” one would be sufficient… but, in my opinion, it only led to estrangement and alienation of others different from them. I say this, realizing how tempting it is to do just this – to create a safe place, a refuge – to keep moving forward with culture yet feel protected by your own walls. I could easily fall into making the same choices – but my location and my experience have led me down a different path from them. Indeed, I’m sure I’ve created my own walls around different subjects and for different purposes – but we’ll save that discussion for another day.

So what does this look like – how will we do it – be magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural? I don’t think I can figure it out today, or on my own accord, but I’m excited for the journey.

Take Back My TV

Women of the church

Here I go again, causing trouble. I promise, it's not intentional. And I am not the least bit angry as I write... and I am definitely not trained in "writing" so please be gracious with me as I engage this conversation...

To start, the topic of women leadership has been on my mind A LOT. It seems to come up in a lot of my conversations and it is always in the back of my mind as I process thru different areas. Shortly before the holidays, I ran across this book, Microtrends, and I had to read it. The reason I mention this book is because it backs up the increasing sense of urgency I've felt around women leadership/involvement. The book immediately starts out by talking about the rising number of single women in the United States - and how they outnumber men 53 to 47. It goes on to talk about women outnumbering men in fields like law, public relations, and journalism. Women outvoted men 54 to 46 percent in the 2004 presidential election. Women outnumber men in college by about 57 to 43 percent. And it doesn't stop there - single women were the second largest group of home-buyers in 2005. It goes on to talk about the large percentage of women that own or manage their own business, how women purchase more cars than men... and on and on. Basically, if we look at the statistics, the United States of America is quickly becoming all about women. Women owned, managed, designed...

I fear that if women leadership/involvement is not made a serious priority - the church will lose relevance with over half of the United States.

I'll conclude sharing one thought - this is one of the most liberating thoughts I've come across so far concerning women and God - and the main reason I've become increasingly concerned that men misunderstand who God is.

In the introduction to the book, The End of All Religion, Bruxy Cavey says "I should also take this opportunity to mention that I use the male pronouns "he" and "him" in reference to God with both regret and conviction. The Bible does not teach that God is male. God is Spirit, within whom maleness and femaleness both find their origin and identity (see Genesis 1:26-27; John 4:24). And here we encounter the limitations of language. English, like the original languages of the Bible (Hebrew and Greek), does not provide us with a gender-inclusive, singular, personal pronoun. And I don't want to refer to God in impersonal terms. (He is not an it.) Therefore, I use male pronouns because of my conviction that God is personal, not because I think he is male. Further, I wish to align my syntax with the ancient languages."

Sometimes advertising works

One of my co-workers is from Germany. Another is from Denmark. I love to hear them answer the phone when a family member calls - as they speak their native language. It is one of my favorite things about California - the diversity of people. In the grand scheme of things, we are all alike in that we are human. It's the small things that can make us so very different.

A perfect example, is assuming both co-workers were unmarried because they didn't have a ring on their left hand. When I finally asked her, my friend from Germany explained that they (Europeans) wear wedding rings on their right hand. Same finger, different hand. It wasn't until a week later at work, that I realized my co-worker from Denmark wears a ring on her right hand - hence the reason I always assumed she was unmarried. And it's not the type of ring that shouts "American engagement" either - they are bands without diamonds that they receive only on their wedding day (not at their engagement). My German friends also told me that they don't spend a "ridiculous" amount of money like Americans do either.

Wow - we really gave into the diamond advertising didn't we?

Microtrends: Swing is Still King

I am currently reading Microtrends - written by Mark Penn - a guy that built a career out of gathering information and turning them into useful statistics. The book emphasizes the significance of 1 percent of the population. One percent. One percent of people making a similar choice - contrary to mainstream - that can create a movement capable of changing the world. It's not a book about how they will change the world, but about how they could. It's a fascinating study of what could be.

The book covers everything - Love, Sex, Relationships, work life, race and religion, health and wellness, family life, teens, lifestyle, money and class, fashion... Every area of life you could imagine. Of course it has a section on politics as well - and today, that is the section most on my mind.

Rather than try to rephrase his work, I'll include some quotes below. I've said this before and I'll say it again - it's an exciting time to be alive. Change is in the air.

"In the past fifty years, the number of Americans who call themselves Independents, rather than Democrats or Republicans, has grown from under one-quarter to over one-third of the voting public. In California alone, the proportion of Independent voters more than doubled between 1991 and 2005. The fastest growing political party in America is no party."

"That is a radical new willingness on the part of Americans to look at individual candidates, not party slates. It's the sign of a thinking electorate, not a partisan one."

"The power of the swing voters versus the base is not limited to the United States. In the U.K., there is the same kind of shift making the difference between Labour and Conservative governments. Once again, voters free of the party reins switch back and forth, most often based on who they believe will make the best leader, not which party they believe has the right platform."

"The impact is profound. The movement to watch is really the global Third Way movement - the triumph of pragmatic, independent thinking over left- or right-wing theology."

It's an exciting time to be alive. Change is in the air.

Back into the deep end.

This afternoon I practiced walking with my eyes closed. It was an unplanned activity that took place on the Berkeley Marina pier. It happened quite accidentally – I was savoring the heat of the sun on my face and the wind blowing against my back – and couldn’t help but close my eyes. Do you think I’m crazy yet? Or maybe I’m just strange?

I am okay with strange.

Home for the holidays

Over the holidays, Kevin and I went to Kansas City to visit our families and friends. One morning, everybody in the house was gone and I had a few hours to myself. I sat in a chair, looking out the window, watching the snow fall. It was beautiful.

I can see Him so clearly out there. In the peace – the way the snow falls gently to the ground. In the tree branches, I can see Him move. His voice travels with the wind and blows against the house. I take a deep breath and let the natural beauty soak into my soul. I could sit there forever.

The banging of doors and the sound of voices breaks the silence and I have to turn away from the window to greet the family. I look over my shoulder, towards the snow, as if to say “goodbye” - as I know the busyness of family and friends will soon capture my attention and I’ll quickly forget the snow.

Several hours later I am sitting on the bed, the house is silent. I stare outside the window, but into darkness. I long for the peace and beauty of this morning… but all I can see is my reflection in the glass. I sigh and reassure myself that tomorrow the snow will still be there – He will still be there.

I lay on my bed and ask myself, “If God is so easy to access by looking out the window, if God can be found in the simple beauty of nature, where does Jesus fit in? Why does Jesus say he is ‘the way, the truth, and the life’ if I can see God clearly just by looking outside?”

The simplicity of the answer shocked me as I heard, “Because it doesn’t last.”

The peace, the silence, the beauty – it disappears as you turn away from the window. Try as I might, I can’t keep it within me. No matter how long I sit and stare and try to memorize the snow – its beauty and peace and stillness escape my mind’s attempts to define and hold it.

What about all those moments in life when you don’t have access to a window?

Besides, since when did staring out the window help me love my husband? Or empower me to forgive? When I’m staring out the window – the world is all about me. I’ve heard the thoughts in my head – I’ll tell Him, “It’s just you and me now.” I don’t have to love a single person. The beauty, the stillness, the peace, is unchanged by the condition of my heart.

If anything, Jesus turned my head that night. Stop looking for Me outside, and look inside. Is peace, stillness and beauty there? Look for Me here.

Vote Help

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How much water do you use?

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H2O Conserve

Second time champ

I finally found something I can beat him at! Disneyland Buzz Lightyear ride. Mosaic Staff Christmas Party December 21, 2007.

Movie Support

Last weekend a small group of us went to see the movie The Golden Compass. We haven't heard too much about it here in the SF area - except in reference to it's graphics or sci-fi/fantasy genre (which many, many SF people are seriously into). However, when I called a few friends back in Kansas, they mentioned a lot of controversy around the film - and some even questioned my "support" of a film such as this. To be clear, I am not bothered at all by these questions. I find skepticism and questioning to be healthy and even enjoyable. So I respond in this post not out of a need to defend myself - but out of a playful desire to engage in even more meaningful dialogue.

I liked the movie. In fact, the themes it introduced I find extremely important and worth fighting for. Themes such as freedom - the right to think and live. Themes such as souls - what shapes them, when are they shaped, what do they look like? Themes such as good and evil - is it the means or the ends that defines which side you are on?

I am proud to "support" our freedom to think and even to disagree. The minute we stop "supporting" those who disagree with us is the moment we kill the very thing we are trying to protect - life.

I support humanity. I support freedom. I support thinking. And if it leads to conclusions I don't like - I'll be patient - and hear the other human being out. Will you?

Ouch

My office has lunchtime yoga twice a week on Mondays and Fridays. Today was my first attempt to join a few fellow co-workers. All I can say is "ouch". One thing I love about yoga is that it is a completely different experience every time you do it. It is as varied as the instructors that teach it. Fifty plus (aged) women and men were doing stretches I could barely get into to. I am just glad I can still walk.

Best Friend

Throughout high school and college, I refused to use the words, "best friend." I refused to choose one person, among so many, to hold this place. It felt confining, limiting, and suffocating - to have to label one person this way when my life was surrounded by so many amazing, selfless, loving people. Even at my wedding, there was no single "maid of honor". In fact, the program listed every single woman as a Maid of Honor. My sisters, my roommates... I lived in a world filled with best friends.

The beauty of it came from its flexibility - like ocean waves at the beach - different people rolled in and out at different times. A once distant friend would became a close ally; but as time changes, they might fade or roll back for awhile.

Refusing to use a label gave us all a sort of freedom. Freedom to withdraw and return. Freedom to change. Freedom to grow in different ways - sometimes to grow apart and sometimes to grow incredibly close.

And then we moved to Los Angeles… and I found myself in a relational desolate place. I went in – idealistic and hopeful. I came out – bruised and skeptical.

This post isn’t going to be a sad recap of the hardships I faced… or an opportunity to feel sorry for myself – as tempted as I might be. Instead it’s about finding hope and friends in the places I least expected, or the places I previously didn’t consider. Friendships in Los Angeles took tremendous determination and initiation. Sometimes these efforts produced beautiful friendships but sometimes they ended in heartbreak and emptiness.

There is one friendship, however, that stands above them all. There were times I was mean and fiercely independent. There were times I was at peace and able to laugh. Through them all he never gave up on me. Though I may have shifted like the tide of the sea, his friendship and loyalty never faltered. He is consistent and calm – though we never could have imagined the hardships we faced.

He won’t tell me what to do – though sometimes I try to get him to tell me all the answers. He jokes when I am trying to be serious. He waits outside the bedroom door when I won’t let him in. He makes time to do house chores even when we are both busy.
But most importantly, he wouldn’t let me push him away, try as I might.

And so a new type of freedom emerges behind the label of “best friend”. A freedom I had not known before. A friend that loves at all times. A friend that loves in the midst of the uncertainty and the unknown. A friend that is willing to forgive again and again when I let him down.

If I hadn’t faced the relational desolate Los Angeles – I might not have been able to cherish his friendship as deep. And although I sometimes wonder if he’s the ONLY friend I have… He is the one that matters most. He is my home. He is my best friend.

Blessed Unrest

"Books that influence us often contain ideas we already recognize due to intellectual preparation or predilection; rather than casting thunderbolts from the blue, they may unlock sensibilities from within."
Paul Hawken, Blessed Unrest, pg. 74

I picked up the book tonight to begin reading from the place where I last stopped - about 1/3rd of the way in - and decided to start from the beginning again. I read it faster this time and managed to pass by the last words I recognized to the end of the chapter. It's revolutionary. I believe I'll read it many more times.

This book is about the "unnamed movement". I can't possibly explain in one blog post what this entails... but I can barely conceal my excitement - as I realize with each word that I read that I am very involved in the unnamed - but have been awkwardly unable to find words to explain it... even now. The "sensibilities from within" are rising up in my soul faster than I have time to capture them with words. I could dedicate a million blogs to it... and still find myself at a loss of words.

Some quotes from the end of the last section I read:
(In a chapter discussing Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Thoreau and Emerson)

"We face such forks a million times a day, even in the space of a breath. Life is permeated with possibility at every instant. What distinguishes one life from another is intention, the one thing we can control."

"Individuals start where they stand and... make the road by walking."

"For him (Thoreau) there were no inconsequential acts, only consequential inaction."

The Six Sins of Greenwashing

"Green-wash (green'wash', -wôsh') – verb: the act of misleading consumers regarding the environmental practices of a company or the environmental benefits of a product or service."
From TerraChoice - environmental marketing group

"A study of 1,018 "green" products from big-box stores has found that all but one were marketed with false or misleading eco-claims. Researchers from TerraChoice Environmental Marketing called out products for committing the "Six Sins of Greenwashing": a hidden tradeoff ( e.g., toxin-loaded electronics touting their energy efficiency); no certifiable verification of green claims; flat-out lying about certification; vagueness (e.g., products claiming "all natural" status, which could include hazardous substances that occur naturally); irrelevance ( e.g., products claiming to be CFC-free even though CFCs have long been banned); or a lesser-of-two-evils situation (e.g., organic cigarettes). Cascade paper towels were the big -- and only -- winner, with claims of being chlorine-free, having recycled content, and having legitimate logos checking out as accurate."

See original article HERE.

Our house

As seen on Thanksgiving Day 2007. For more photos from that day, click HERE.

Free Hugs Campaign

happy thanksgiving

Earthquake

Last night, the eve of Halloween, we experienced our first earthquake. A magnitude 5.6 that lasted for 15 seconds! It felt as though our house was sitting on top of our washing machine. By the time I realized what was going on... it was too late to react. We sat on the floor of our living room and watched everything shake. Not hard enough to break anything or move it too far. Closer to the epicenter, some stores had to close to pick up the things that fell off the shelves. I have heard of at least one other store that had windows broken. Aside from that, nothing major. I'm proud to say I've survived an earthquake!

Mosaic Bay experiments with music

All music is written and produced by the artist(s) shown.

Blog Action Day

Today is blog action day. A day were thousands... potentially millions... of bloggers unite together to post about issues that matter. To be fair, I should say "the issue that matters"... that's right - the environment. And it also happens to be the one day my thoughts are nowhere near the environment and sustainability. Dang it.

Instead, I'm dreaming of writing a book... I wrote the disclaimer and introduction today. Maybe tonight I'll work on chapter one??

Spiders, lighting, the color blue... these are the thoughts of the day.

How do you know?

When your mind starts racing and you can actually feel your heart beat... how do you know if it's just childlike excitement or your soul and your mind converging? How do you know if it's just emotion and anxiety... or God pressing your spirit? How do you know if it's rebellion and stubbornness that pulls you forward instead of humility and grace? How do you discern? From where in the infinite universe are these thoughts coming from? Why do I love to ponder them... yet find myself unable to express them? This tightness in my chest... is it something burning within me that needs to get out... or just my insecurities causing anxiety? I don't know what to do with them all... these thoughts. Sometimes I feel as though we are on the brink of greatness... as though we are just on the verge of a discovery that has the potential to affect all humanity... and sometimes I wonder if I am just worried... or restless... or anxious...

How do you know?

Master of the Obvious

"That is why the best teachers are masters of the obvious. They see the same things we do, but they are aware of so much more. And when they point it out, it changes the way we see everything." Rob Bell: Velvet Elvis

My new goal in life: to be a master of the obvious. My husband recently told me I was good at "identification." Identifying things... calling things out as they are... able to discern the heart or truth behind things... able to see and identify. I drive him crazy with this: as I am easily able to identify problems. This odd strength... that at one time made me wonder if I was just more "negative" than others... now makes so much more sense. Beyond that, it is no longer limited to just problems. I think I am learning to see more and more. LA took me so far out of my comfort zone... but I had to be pulled away from all that I knew in hopes that I'd get to know so much more.

And now we find ourselves in the Bay. I am working temporarily for an architecture firm in San Francisco... Brereton Architects while considering an offer from Ratcliff. And... Mosaic as usual. I've felt so overwhelmed at times. And distracted. I can't wait to get this career stuff off my mind... but I am starting to realize that it will never go away. I think I will always be job searching, always wondering, always reconsidering.

Today I met with the Young Life director of the East Bay and we talked a lot about youth. My curiosity started to grow and my thoughts turned to wondering if I could get a masters in economics and teach at the high school. I could be the soccer coach as well :)

Economics and high school? What will I think of next?

On a more personal note

Since my blog has taken a turn towards focusing on sustainability... I've decided to interrupt my flow with a more personal blog entry. The following post is a glimpse into my mind from earlier this week.

Tuesday, September 11th:
I went for a walk today and I wonder if the adventure it became symbolizes my state of mind. This week has been harder on me than all the rest. I feel as thought I've been in a funk and I can't pinpoint why. Things from the move have finally settled down. I've grown used to the mismatched cabinets and the doors that won't shut all the way. I don't mind the dresser in the living room or the huge piece of cardboard that covers the window. And so now, new challenges rise to the top of this cup of life.

I went for a walk today. We live maybe a mile out from the waters edge and I was desperate for its peace to wash over me. However, as I walked along in the middle of the afternoon, I soon realized I could not get to the edge. A chain link fence, a freeway, a train, and random factories all laid in my way. I'd turn to the right and see a seemingly endless walk along the freeway with no overpass in sight. To the left, some building or factory blocked off any hope of cutting through. But I was determined, so I walked.

One mile, two miles, three miles, four... still no pathway to the waters edge. When my pace began to lag as my legs grew weary, I took the way I knew would lead me home - away from the water. It teases me so close, yet so far away.

"So I find myself at the brink" just kidding - that was a quote I keep hearing in my head from Leonardo DiCaprio. So I find myself in a new dilemma. Mosaic is charging ahead with more help soon on the way. As for me, well, what lies ahead remains unclear. No job openings yet... although I've found plenty for childcare and tutors. If only I was passionate about other people's kids!

So close but so far away. Something keeps redirecting my path. Something is blocking the way, as if to say, "It's just not time yet".

I sit on the front porch as the sun sets, trying to create more job options for myself, but nothing new comes to mind, at least for now. So I will wait, and see what tomorrow holds. I guess I better enjoy my view of the freeway while it lasts.

Ray Anderson on Sustainability

I had the privaledge of hearing Ray speak while I we were living in Los Angeles. I love his perspective on things... b/c his focus is not on global warming, but on giving life. This ten minute video is very inspiring. It talks about the power of business and what impact it makes on life. Well worth watching if you are interested in the movement of sustainability at all!

The Yes Men... Is this really legal?

Since things are starting to "settle down" a little more... I've spent more time working on finding a new job. I've sent out a few resumes and portfolios, but so far, no openings or interest shown yet. I am looking for work in the East Bay so that I don't have to commute. I am not sure what I will find. This is taking longer than I expected but I guess I'm not too upset about the time off (yet). We'll see how long we can financially handle this "break". I've actually been working full time since the moment we got here... just for free. :) For Mosaic.

This weekend we have our first "branding" event (aka. getting our name out so people become familiar with Mosaic). We will have a booth set up at something called Solano Stroll. Solano is a popular street less than a block from our house. It has numerous restaurants and shops along it. Solano Stroll happens once a year and attracts up to a quarter of a million people. Can you believe that? It sounds unreal to me, so we'll see what happens. Anyways, we are setting up a booth and handing out free $5 BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) cards with the Mosaic logo and website on them. We just want the community to know we exist and that we care by giving them a free gift (no strings or expectations attached.) The theme for Solano Stroll is "Going Green - It's Easy" so along with our BART gift, I've made a handout of my top ten green tips. I hope it is well received and that if anything, people know we are here, that we care about humanity, and them. I'll let you know how it goes.

On another note, I was reading the Corporate Watchdog Radio blog as I was job searching today and came across a post about The Yes Men. They are men who impersonate corporations at conferences, TV shows, interviews, etc. in order to embarrass corporations. So basically they "pretend" to be representatives of large companies like McDonald's or Exxon Mobile and go to conferences and tell people outrageous things to make the companies look bad. They made a movie about it in 2003, called The Yes Men. I can't believe how successful they've been. Crazy!

Chocolate and slave trade?

Just found this blog, Ethur, through Relevant magazine. Pretty sweet blog... one of the Ehur projects is the Junky Car Club... which Kevin and I could totally belong to right now! It's a car club devoted to living with less so that we can give more. Our membership would be unintentional due to our changing circumstances... so we might as well make it official and for a good cause. The blog also had a post about slavery and chocolate... some documentary that explains the issue. Not too good for any Nestle product!

Tony Chocolonely

This guy prosecuted himself for supporting slave trade through his consumer choices. I can't believe it. See the trailer to hear what the Supreme Court thought.

CSA: Community Supported Agriculture

Today we joined Full Belly Farm's CSA! On Friday's we will get a box of vegetables and fruits from a farm outside of the city.

A note from their website: www.fullbellyfarm.com
By belonging to the CSA, members support organic farming practices that are healthful for people and the environment. They also have the opportunity to eat the freshest, most nutritional produce available.

I also can't garden yet. Our yard is a massive mess that I have yet to challenge. I've been going for walks around our neighborhood checking out people's plants and gardens, trying to get an idea of where to start and what grows well here. Someday we'll have some sort of garden/plants.
Did I mention CSA's are a great way to cut down on trips to the grocery store?

Pictures of our house are coming soon!

Another clip

This is an excellent visual of why energy efficiency is so important.

Click To Play

11th Hour trailer

(Leo DiCaprio climate change documentary)
We saw this film last weekend on Saturday in San Francisco. Better than Al Gore's but still not the best. Most of the film focuses on convincing you of global warming instead of offering hope. In my experience, people are far more motivated by hope than by doom. When will the environmentalists catch on? It was definitely an interesting crowd - these are the real environmentalists we hear about. I love it. I love them. I love the Bay area.

Some great quotes/thoughts from the film (sorry - i can't remember too many today):
Most people will make good decisions given their level of awareness.

The average child can identify 150 logos yet less than 10 local flowers, plants or trees.

Here is another independent/documentary type film coming soon that I really want to see:
Outsourced. It follows an American over to India as he goes to a calling center. It looks really interesting.

Two weeks

It's been two weeks today. Two weeks from the day we drove out of LA and into the East Bay. Little did we know what adventures lay ahead of us. We were finally able to move into our house this last Sunday after being here for 12 days. 12 days of staying with friends and even strangers as we waited for renovations with this house to be completed. Well now, three months past the deadline, repairs are still being made. We've moved in... although we can't unpack yet b/c of all the work still being done. We are camping out in our house with our boxes, thankful for a place to sleep.

Our time has been full with house calls and visits and long talks with contractors and sub-contractors and owners and associations and random construction workers... as well as with Mosaic. This Sunday was our second official gathering. We are still in the process of finalizing a location and a time. The first Sunday we met at a park in Berkeley... the second Sunday at an arts center near the Cal-Berkeley campus. We haven't yet been able to find a location and a time that line up together... but hopefully soon.

Mosaic Bay (as I want to call it but we haven't formally decided yet) is going amazingly well. Our first Sunday at Live Oaks Park attracted just over 50 people, both from the East Bay and San Francisco. About 30 of those people are from the former church, the Berkeley Mosaic, while the others are new- friends of Mosaic LA attendees or fans of Erwin McManus. We are in the process of defining our non-negotiables or core values, and experimenting with times and locations. Such adaptability wouldn't be possible without email and cell phones. What did we do before this technology existed?

I am doing fine here, as some of you have asked. In fact, it feels completely natural and normal for me to be here doing this. That's the best I can describe it. Though I've only been here 14 days, I feel like being here (though the exact location is subject to frequent change) in the Bay area is just right where we belong. Exactly where we are supposed to be. For example, although I've never met in a park for church before, that felt entirely normal.

The only real challenge I face is my sense of responsibility. I feel compelled to be responsible for everything, every detail. And I can't for the life of me prioritize. I want to move, help lead Mosaic, find a job, financially provide, fix up our house... all at the exact same time. It's made for quite a few headaches. I give headaches to others too when I try to "micromanage" everything. Please pray for me specifically in this.

Well, I better go. We don't have Internet access very often although I'll check it as often as I possibly can. I do miss you, my friends. My concept of home has been on the move for the last four years, if not more. Home, to me, has always been, where my friends are. Wherever you are, that is where I am, at least in part.

Love
nik

Two more days...

Til my birthday! I'm excited. My office just threw me a surprise party… a “good-bye” and “happy birthday” combo. My last day at work is tomorrow. Then I am officially unemployed for an indefinite amount of time. I am looking forward to a break from the routines of my current schedule. I was never one to enjoy routines too much. I think that’s something I should celebrate more instead of try to “grow” out of. Of course, my father and his generation would entirely disagree. To them, it was about doing what needed to be done, not about doing what you wanted. How time has changed. I think we should embrace the change before the next change occurs.

I always thought somebody should write about that more… generational differences in the workplace. It’s something that always gets pushed to the side because its significance is relatively underestimated. It would sure help us ambitious post-grads understand the world of those that currently control all the wealth and offices.

To change the subject, I cut my hair for the first time yesterday. Big mistake. My bangs were getting a little too long so I thought I’d trim them up just a bit. As soon as I got home from work, I grabbed the scissors and walked straight into the bathroom. It only took one second and I knew. Whoops. Too late. They are too dang short. And I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to cut straight across. So please excuse my dorky bangs for a few days as they grow. It sure made us laugh though. And now I know… so next time I try to cut my bangs they at least won’t make a straight line across my forehead.

Bay area update: We’ll be in Berkeley this Sunday and part of Monday. Our last Sunday there until we move August 1st. Everything with the house seems to be working out well. Last week we worked out the lease issues so now our only delay is from the contractor. As soon as he finishes all the repairs (b/c the house has been vacant for 4 years) we’ll feel even better about it. As far as the LA side of things is going: we are having car issues again. It won’t start. It’s in the shop right now getting some repairs and we are hoping it finally gets fixed. At least enough to drive to SF and then sell. We are so ready to get rid of that thing.

Until later,

Photographic Arts

Check out the "Running the Numbers" link...

It's pretty impressive. Chris Jordan uses photography to visualize statistical data. He transforms scientific information that is visually hard to interpret into art.

US

I just like this picture :)

By they way, things are much more hopeful today although not a lot has actually changed. Somebody last night told us, "Don't let all these frustrations get in the way of the hope you have for the future (aka. Berkeley.)" Since then I've been thinking of how we can protect our hope despite what happens or what frustrations we face. And it always helps to evaluate what I am actually putting my hope in... Things working out a certain way? Who I am? Those things can change way too easily. I need something more consistent, for one thing.

It reminded me of the movie Spanglish. Kevin and I loved that movie because we thought it captured something very profound about humanity. I'm still not sure I understand it... but I remembered the part at the end... the very last line (so if you haven't seen it yet, STOP reading, b/c I'm about to unveil it)... this girl is writing her essay to get into Harvard and she says something about her identity being found in the fact that she is her mother's daughter. It sounds so simple... but seriously, if Harvard was your dream and you failed to get in, you might feel, well, horrible. You might feel like you failed. But if your dream was set in the reality that who you are didn't change... that would be complete freedom. To pursue any dream. That's the hope that I need. That's the hope that (I hope to) find in Him.

Frustration in Finishing

AHHHHHH. I am so frustrated and I can't help it. I know that life is trying to frustrate me... and it's working!

First of all, our car. Our one car. We took it to take the smog test so that Kevin can finally change the license plates to CA instead of KS... and it failed!! They said the check engine light wasn't working, so we took it to a mechanic. The mechanic charged us $400 to fix some small part and just as he was done, realized it's an electrical problem with the wiring. Kevin then took it to an electrician who said he wouldn't work on it b/c he's had this problem with Camry's before and replaced every part in the engine and it still wouldn't work. So now we have to take it to Toyota and pay $100 for them to run a diagnostic on our car. Then they might fix it. They might. $500 and two days later for a check engine light thats still not fixed. AHHHHHHHHHH.

Then, my interview that I was scheduled to have this Friday, and that I was SO excited about, emailed me last night and withdrew the position altogether. I had already bought the plane tickets and took an un-paid day for the interview!

Something is seriously working against us. HELP!

It is 56 degrees in Berkeley today. I am FREEZING. I definitely have southern California blood... b/c I am so cold! I brought t-shirts and short sleeved shirts... so now I think we're going to go buy me a jacket. Did I mention it's July?

Our first weekend in Berkeley. I forgot my makeup, along with other personal items that are, um, necessary for my daily life. It's like I'm completely absent -minded about the normal, daily stuff... b/c all our thoughts are going towards strategy and people and work and moving...

So here we are. We flew in last night and leave to head back to LA Sunday evening. Today we will go to Berkeley city Hall and the farmers market. Then we hope to check out this one bedroom house we are really really really praying we get to rent. Then we have meetings and dinner set up with some of the elders here. Crazy and exciting times....

Until later.

Hear it out....

Escape the Suburbs!

Hair Cut

Of course, I won't be wearing it straight b/c it's way too much effort... but it was fun for a few days.

Plus... I am donating my hair to a company that makes hair mats. Weird, I know, but seriously, they help save the environment when there are oil spills! I'll post the website later.

And... to top it all off, I just gave my three week notice to my current job. We think we'll be in Berkeley by August 1st. Only three more weeks of work!

Goodbye LA... hello San Fran??

See here.

There is some talk going on... we could be in San Fran by September. More details to follow.

Angst: the language of April (although it's June now)

I need to make a commitment. This is where I am. This is where I chose to be. Make a commitment and stick to it. Do the best I can do here. I can doubt and question my decision or wish I was somewhere else... but neither of those things change reality- they just give me a negative attitude about it. If the present is not good enough, when will the future ever be? I'm afraid I've created unhealthy patterns of survival. If I let my doubts, my fears control my perspective than I am doomed to be be stuck in a disappointing cycle of unmet expectations and dreams that move further away.

Can I trust Him? Can I believe that He has me here for a purpose, for a meaning, for a mission, that will impact the world and make a difference in His movement? Can I trust Him when the world around me tells me to give up my dreams and adjust to the boredom of reality? Can I trust Him when they laugh when I talk about what might be possible and what I hope for? Can I believe it is really possible to live fully and freely despite the fact that most of those around me are already dead?

The words "you are a stranger" come to mind... and I remember their truth, but yet still, so much of me just longs to belong, to be one of them, even if I know it will all mean nothing in the end. I live torn between two worlds, two ways, two lives that are impossibly intertwined and interconnected. Sometimes I forget which is which. The world or You... you both speak so loudly to me... I want to cover my ears because I feel so easily overwhelmed but then I know that will blot out Your voice as well... so I keep trying to listen. I wander, almost lost, between all the noise, and at some moments, it overtakes me and the anxiety covers my heart like a fishing net I can't escape from.

I try to remind myself that hearing is a blessing, a gift. And sometimes, Your Voice blocks out all the others and I can hear Your peace. Sometimes I can sit in the midst of the crowded places and feel the stillness of Your presence. Sometimes, I can hear Your voice among all the others, but I know which one is Yours and so my two worlds are aligned; I don't need to escape one to reach the other. Those moments are the best.

Why do I pray?

Somebody asked me this question recently... maybe two or three months ago... and I couldn't find the right answer. It was the strangest thing, since I've been doing this God thing for awhile and since prayer is considered such a basic aspect... but I couldn't find the words. The right words. Everything I thought of sounded so typical "christian" or "churchy" and I couldn't find it in myself to give the answers they tell you in Sunday school. I also couldn't think of one particular outstanding story... where I prayed some prayer and lighting flashed and some blind dude was healed. Of course I like to think those things can happen, but then I remember it was Jesus who did that. (Except maybe the lighting part- that's not recorded in the historical records.)

I woke up this morning thinking about one of my close friends, whose life seems to be in an uproar right now. I found myself wishing I had magical words that I could pray, to make the situation change today. But somehow I know, deep down, I don't have magical powers. But yet still, I pray. I wondered again, why. I suppose that the most authentic answer I can give, is that I pray because I am curious. Bottom line. I believe there is a God. I believe He is real. I also believe that He can hear us and see us. And because I believe these things, I pray... I know that He performs miracles, I know He is still alive, I know that He... moves. And although I can't for the life of me "figure Him out" or know Him so well that I can "predict" His response... I also believe He cares. And this is the only thing that gives me hope and drives me to keep talking to Him through prayer.

In conclusion, my final answer (for now) is... I pray because I believe the God of all creation, of the universe, cares and because I am curious. Now I am going to tell Him that.

Beat up

It's been a rough week, physically. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt as though I'd been in a fight. My body hurt everywhere and I could barely walk (well I could walk but with a wobble). It was all because of Monday night; I started playing soccer again. And because I've barely ran since... oh last October, my body practically went into shock. Monday night, at 4am, I woke up to find my right ankle swollen and pounding. I guess I sprained it sometime during the game, but didn't notice until I'd been off of it for several hours. That's what I get for not physically preparing at all.

My new soccer team, Ajax United, plays every Monday night at a nearby sports complex (a half hour from our apartment- that is nearby) in Glendale. The teams are all women (no more co-ed for me) and we have a coach. The coach proved to be one of the biggest challenges of all. He has a comment or an opinion about every play, every move... and guess what? I disagree with his theories and game plan. So I spent the first half arguing with him about different plays and hopelessly watching my team get scored upon. Finally, the second half, my amazing ability to ignore people came into play and I promise I didn't hear another word out of his mouth the entire last half hour. I don't know how I do it... but something changes inside my head and I become so focused on the game I can't hear anything outside of it. No matter how loud they yell. I mastered this with my father quite well. He finally gave up trying to call out advice after he realized I had no intentions of ever listening and beyond that, I just couldn't. I love that mode of play that comes over me; it confirms that I am focused and engaged in the game and that I really want to play. If I can hear you, I'll not really playing.

Commercial

As I walked out of the subway station this morning and began to walk towards my building, I noticed a sign that said,

"Filming: by walking through this section you are agreeing to be a part of our commercial."

My office building was entirely surrounded by a filming crew so I had no option: I had to walk through. They had parked an old fashioned taxi and green truck near the curb. (The green truck, by the way, read "New York Sun Daily News"). I couldn't really tell what the commercial was for and the film crew was on strict terms to not reveal any information. Our street was unusually busy this morning with business professions walking around, a new hot dog stand, a new newspaper/magazine stand (all for the filming I know), and the jeans and t-shirt crew. I quickly realize that all these business professions sharing our sidewalk today are "extras" aka: actors. A man stands on the corner talking animatedly on his cell phone... a group of women sit on the edge of the planters... construction workers stand and talk about their new fake project.

On the fifth floor, I look down and watch them run from the rain. It never rains either. This is definitely an unusual day.

New office: Klawiter

Thought I'd share a few pics of my new office.

The view from my window:

my desk (above) it is only temporary though... i am sitting at the desk of a woman on maternity leave... when she returns at the end of April I will be relocated.

the office (below)

Downtown

Today I finally had the time to actually take a full lunch break- so I took a short walk around downtown, close to my new office. Downtown LA is so... I'm not sure yet. I walked a few blocks to a concrete island they call Pershing Square: a "park" on top of a concrete underground parking garage made of massive, bright colored concrete shapes (mostly square) with a dying water fountain and a few trees on the parameter. I found it hard to relax as I walked past numerous very tired homeless people gazing out into the distance yet somehow watching my every move at the same time. These business professional clothes don't help either- I'm not fully comfortable in them yet. You get all dressed up in the morning to go sit at a computer and then at lunch attempt to walk around in LA's usual hot winter weather. I don't fully appreciate them yet. It's been nearly two years and I am still a die hard fan of jeans and t-shirts. Someday soon I think, my time will come, and not a suit will be seen- at least on this side of the country. We young professionals just put up with it to please our 60+ bosses who write our checks... but someday.

Anyways, back to the story. I find it hard to relax my mind. Especially as I turn a corner and a man walks briskly past me whispering (just loud enough for me to hear) "beautiful booty". PLEASE. It took all my self discipline to keep starting straight ahead and ignore him even though the curiosity inside of me really wanted to look and see who this dud dude was. I walk up to the cross walk and another young man sets up beside me and starts asking questions about my day. He's wearing headphones and a backpack and his oversize shirt, that reaches nearly to his knees, is way out of place at this time of day. Oh well. I quickly turn away and move on, heading back to my office.

WOW- I do miss those residential neighborhoods I used to stroll through at the noon hour near Beverly Hills. But... something about the trees that outline the concrete park capture my eye. They have unusually large, bright orange flowers. It was if they stood to say, even in this drab, tired place, "I will let my beauty be a beacon of hope. I am still here..."

Red buffer zones

A "speech" I gave to a group of artists at Mosaic:

In my third year of college I had one of those red puff daddy jackets with down feathers inside. They were really popular at that time… and really warm- as Kansas weather could be quite frigid and windy during the winter. I used to wear it everywhere- to class, to meet a friend, for dinner, to a house party. It became so comfortable to me- a part of my wardrobe that I realized once it was on, I rarely took it off. One particular night stands framed in my memory… I was at a house party with a lot of people that I didn’t know. Although it was quite cold outside, I realized the house was warm and I grew hot in my jacket… but something within me resisted taking it off… because I didn’t know many people there I felt uncomfortable and I was clinging to the jacket for comfort. It was safe and reliable and somehow I felt, hid my insecurity. It gave me a sense of control in an unfamiliar place- as if to say “I don’t have to reveal really who I am just yet”. It was a barrier, a wall, between my heart and the unknown and although it made me feel a temporary sense of security- it allowed me to keep to myself and stay inside in a sense. My comfort became my barrier.

Fortunately, I got so hot I had to take it off for fear of looking ridiculous. And I quickly realized that I was just as okay without it on as I was wearing it. The memories of that night stayed in my mind, and I began to see the other coats I wore in different situations and how I had a tendency to hide when things were awkward.

I also found that trying to tell myself to take them off wasn’t much of a motivator and that my warnings to myself couldn’t keep up with the awkwardness that I would feel. The best way for me to stop hording my coats to myself in a sense, was if I started thinking about how I could share them, or give them away to others. Because I don’t think it is necessarily bad to have things of comfort around or to be comfortable in a certain thing for a certain time, but I knew I had a tendency to depend on them or to refuse to let them go when they were no longer needed.

An example of this is my first week at my professional job just over a year ago. I was fresh out of college, inexperienced, in an intimidating environment and it was easy to come to work and hide at my desk and just do what I needed to be done. Plus I told myself since I was the new one; it was the responsibility of those already there to get to know me. I soon realized though, that is not the way it worked at this particular place. As soon as I realized how I was taking comfort and how it was a barrier to relationships there, I decided to just do something simple and make a point to greet everybody first thing in the morning, as soon as I got there. It sounds so simple, but I was amazed at how some people really weren’t into being friendly in the morning or how people let the demands of the day take over their decisions. Then one morning, I ran into another quiet girl at the office and asked her about her weekend… she didn’t even say a word before the tears formed in her eyes and she looked away. She told me about some frustrations she was having with her fiancé… and until that time, nobody at the office even knew she was engaged yet.

I found that not only did giving my coat away set me free to experience new things, it also seems to encourage others that are hiding to step out and reveal themselves, at least a little bit.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all today is because I just started another new job two weeks ago and have had to face more uncomfortable situations… but I know they will pass soon if I refuse to let myself hide. I also wanted to encourage you all with my story, to examine the things that we take comfort in and how they can become a barrier. In hopes that not only will you learn new things about yourself, but that you’d start to see them in others as well.

Last day at JMKA

Today is my last day at JMKA. I am honestly sad, at least in some ways. We've had our difficulties, but we've had some great times too. I actually enjoyed the hour bus rides in the morning- it was great time to be by myself before the craziness of the day took over. I will miss my co-workers who have now become my good friends. I will miss walking around the nearby neighborhoods at lunch and sitting on the steps of random apartment complex's to read. I might miss the never ending private middle school project that always lingers on my desk... though I doubt it.

I start my new job on Monday at Klawiter... an architecture and interior design firm. I must admit, I am a little surprised that I am staying with this interiors business but... it just wasn't time to give up on it yet.

The subway and a 30 minute commute await me... but for now I am here and tears threaten to show when I think of my co-workers and how I won't get to see them everyday anymore!

Disneyland

HaHa- notice the scores! This is a rare moment- I won! Don't you love those competitive married couples?

cover letters

Sometimes I surprise myself and actually write something good and original in the most random of places... in a cover letter. Lately I've been writing them like crazy, and usually I just copy and paste and edit a word or two here and there... but this one surprised me. It is for an industrial design job. The posting was in November so I doubt the position is still open but I thought I might as well try.

"I recently found a job posting on Coroflot for -----, however, it was posted in November and I am curious to know if the position has already been filled. I am a designer with a diverse background in architecture, interiors, furniture and product design. My portfolio contains many product designs... one of which was nominated for entry into a competition by a professor. Over the last year or so, I have been working as an interior designer with an architecture firm. It has helped me gain a deeper understanding of space and the power products have to change and transform it. Architecture is, to some extent, a masterpiece of individual products in an intimate relationship with one another. I am eager to continue my growth as a designer with a company such as yours that is leading this city with it's innovation and creativity."

I just thought to myself- that's pretty good for being off the top of my head. Maybe I should consider this product design thing a little more :)

The Office

It all started this morning as I was in Panera working on Kevin's laptop. Kevin was across the street running an errand while I caught up on emails and other stuff... out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walk in and looked up to see... Steve Carell. He had a hat on and looked a little stressed. We made eye contact but I quickly looked away b/c I didn't want him to feel strange. :)

Later on we came back to our apartment and saw a truck parked across the street that said "Dunder Mifflin Paper Company" on the side. On our front door, we saw the notice above- The Office will be filming across the street from our apartment this whole week! We were so excited- we quickly grabbed our camera and took a few pics. Oh the joys of living in LA!

NO WAY

No way! That's all I could say when I read the LA times this morning and saw Beckham on the front page.

"David Beckham, perhaps the world's most widely recognized soccer player after Pele and Diego Maradona, Thursday signed a five-year, $250-million contract to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer."

"The former Manchester United star and former England national team captain will complete his contract with Real Madrid on June 30 and will join the Galaxy in August, about halfway through the MLS season, which begins April 6."

"The league is gambling that he can turn soccer into a mainstream sport in the U.S."

I am still in shock... and I think I'll start looking for a Galaxy ticket now. I HAVE to see him play. You can't be a soccer player and have Beckham in town and NOT see him play! AHHHHHH!

Human Rights

Click on the picture to go to a short You Tube video on Blood Diamonds. Yes, you heard me right... I am getting into this more, especially with the approaching release of the movie next weekend.

Kevin once asked me this infamous question, "If you could go back in time, what time would you go to?" Well... The answer really depends on my mood, as they always do with defining questions like this. I remember I said, "I'd go back to the time of Martin Luther King Jr. And the civil rights movement" It really doesn't sound that glorious... It would be heartbreaking to watch the way we treated each other in that day... And sickening to watch the violence and anger it had to generate... But it would be monumental to be a small part of that great movement- a movement for humanity, for relationships, for people, for us. Of course, they didn't know how it would end, yet they still fought. I'd stand with them as they were sprayed with huge water hoses and pelted with rubber bullets. Of course, I know... I am not African American- but that's not the point. The point is humanity- and what we think of it. That thought process is worth defending and worth fighting mightily for. And I would most definitely be a part.

What are you fighting for?

Now I go back to working at my desk...

Tattoo Ideas

Tattoo

Lately I’ve been really interested in getting a tattoo. Kevin said I could get one if I still wanted one in a year… unfortunately I don’t remember when the year started so we’ll just have to give an intelligent estimate of maybe six months ago… so six more months to go.

The reasons why:
1- I’ve always been fascinated by them… or curious I should say…
2- I think they provoke awesome conversations… What an easy way to get to know somebody by the story behind their tattoos. Imagine what you could freely tell somebody just because they asked about something as simple and common as a tattoo.
3- They are unique… the way to mark your body because it is different, because you have something to say, because your story is important and worth sharing
4- I’ve always felt like my “outside” doesn’t always match my “inside”. I look like a nice, quiet, shy, simple girl and to be honest, I really don’t feel that way and would like people to know- hey- I have a feisty spirit too!

So I finally found something “tattoo worthy” and I have to admit, it was very difficult to find. I’ve been searching for months for what the tattoo would be and finally have an idea.

Beads of Water. I’d tattoo a few on the inside of my wrist- that way they can easily be hidden by a watch or bracelet or easily revealed. Why water beads? Because I’ve always been fascinated by water. It has come to represent peace to me. Whenever I’m around bodies of water, I feel as though I can never leave. The way waves gently ripple thru a lake, or crazily wash over each other in the sea, capture my gaze and hold my heart. When I watch the water, I finally feel completely still… time seems to slow and I can feel myself just breathing. It’s okay to be still and just breathe.

Sometimes we get to experience water in very concrete ways- such as when we visit a lake or spend the day at the beach. Other times, when our lives are busy, we have to suffice with our neighbor’s sprinkler system or beads of water on a leaf. And… at still other times, when life feels as dry as a dessert, we just have to believe that even though we may not see it… it’s in us. It’s a part of us. Literally- water makes up like 60% of your body (or something- I don’t care to be exact right now.)

I say peace, but maybe that’s just what love feels like. Water beads- love- they do exist. I’d like to remind myself and get to tell everybody else thru a tattoo. I guess we’ll see in six months. :)

Dull Moment?

Even though lately I’ve felt “stuck” in life… there are so many moments life surprises me and I remember that even though my life feels slow- the world around me is definitely still moving… the Spirit is moving- even in the moments when I can’t feel it.

The bus ride home: sometimes I feel strangely loved by the strangeness I encounter while experiencing the public transportation system of Los Angeles. I really do believe that God has a great sense of humor… and though there is a fine line between mockery and simple enjoyment, there are moments in life where you just have to- you just got to- laugh.

Friday night. I’m reading a book called “How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization.” The book is surprisingly violent as it describes the history of soccer fan hooligans and the culture they reflect. It leaves a strange feeling in my soul every time I set the book down to look out the bus window- making sure I didn’t miss my stop. But I keep reading- looking for glimpses of hope- for a window into the soul of humanity. I haven’t found it yet- I don’t understand the strange love of violence that captivates man around the world.

The time flies by as I read… thirty minutes, forty-five, and sixty… and I’m finally on my last bus home. Twenty more minutes to go. I set my book back in my bag and look up- finally recognizing the people around me. I can’t ignore the smell- the smell of humans- humans who haven’t showered in a very very long time. I look for the homeless person but none of the people sitting around me seem to fit that profile.

There are four people on the bus that stand out to me. One… an Arab looking man, very round- he even has huge round glasses- he wears all grey, shorts that almost hide beneath his belly- and he seems uncomfortable. I can’t help but think to myself- this man really seems out of place. I wonder what he’s up to and where he’s going… but I am not about to ask.

Two and Three- a homeless couple. Yes I know earlier I said that I didn’t see any, but this couple just stepped onto the bus, a few stops after I did. Such a rare sight- a homeless couple. They were so cute- the woman hanging onto the arm of the man- they looked out for each other. He carried the sleeping bag while she carried the rest. I wondered about them too… where will they sleep tonight?

And lastly- a man gets onto the bus… dressed in a suit- sort of. He has a button up shirt and a tie on… but the tie is irrelevant to the shirt- and tied loosely around his neck. He carries a binder of loose paper and a huge homemade poster that reads “Election Fake Treachery”. The strangest part is… throughout the entire twenty minute ride through the Hollywood Hills, this man breaks out in sprits of silent laughter. I look up to see his body shaking and a huge smile on his face… but at what? Its dark outside- I can barely make out the buildings we pass- but yet he breaks out in another set- he chuckles to himself- no he’s not using a hidden cell phone piece either. And he avoids eye contact with everybody on the bus- just minding his own business, laughing to the voices he hears in his head. His silent laugher becomes more frequent as we near the final stop- Ventura and Laurel Canyon. And I realize he’s about to join the usual Friday protest.

Every single Friday night, a group gathers at this intersection- a block from our apartment- to petition the war. They hold signs that say “honk for peace” and “we hate bush”- okay maybe not those words specifically, but you get the point. I have to walk straight through them to get to the other side of the street so I get to see them up close- a man strumming his guitar, candles to reminisce the memory of those in Iraq, pamphlets set up on a table in case a curious lad does walk by…

The best part though- is the Republicans that sit on the opposite side of the street. They are always outnumbered- three Republicans to maybe thirty Dems… and there is an enforced rule- they must stay on their own side of the street. The Dems to the North- the Reps to the South. I’ve seen cops enforce the rule by parking their patrol car to the side and blaring a horn and flashing their car lights every time one of them enters the crosswalk. Tonight though, there are no cops, so they test the limits, although only to a certain point. When the traffic light flashes the white “walk” sign, one Dem heads out to meet one Rep… they stop in the center of the road and whisper threats and accusations at one another, holding their signs high above their heads- looking at the surrounding cars for support, and then just barely making it back to their post before the light changes again.

It’s amazing. I laugh to myself as I walk to meet Kevin at the grocery store. Another boring day at work- but never a boring moment in Los Angeles.