I did it. I actually missed a soccer game for the Oscars. I've been looking forward to them for weeks... In Kansas, I was lucky if I remembered they existed. Maybe its because they have been in the news for weeks here... "Hollywood begins preparation for Oscars", etc. Maybe its the HUGE billboard near our apartment that said "Oscars, March 5th, don't miss them!" Or maybe its the fact that like half the city shut down for the event... I don't know.
Bottom line: LA is rubbing off on me. I was SO excited to watch the Oscars, we even had a pre-Oscar party to watch some of the nominated movies! I am still sad for Joaquin Phoenix... I REALLY wanted him to win Best Actor!!! And I am SO glad that Brokeback didn't blow out everything... so overrated!!
Got to love it!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Inspired or Discouraged??
I am supposed to be studying for the LEED exam that I hope to take someday… and I’m finally about 3/4ths of the way thru all the material… but tonight as I read about Indoor Air Quality, I find myself very distracted. I am surprised.
Did you know that Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors, where levels of pollutants may be two to five times- and occasionally more than 100 times- higher than outdoor levels? (According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency) Are you wondering how that is possible? I did. To summarize, indoor air pollution is caused by ventilation systems that fail to fully remove “old” air with fresh outdoor air. Bad systems can store dust, volatile organic compounds, microorganisms, and other contaminants for years. Not only that, but during construction and installation, the glues, paints and coatings, carpet, and wood we use release harmful chemicals into the air, that are frequently not fully flushed out of the building before it is opened to the public. Things like this can cause sicknesses and headaches, among other things, to anybody inside.
Sorry to bore you with technical info, but this was just the beginning of my surprise. Buildings aren’t as safe as I always assumed they were. Architects, contractors, and construction workers have a HUGE impact on the environment we live in every day. Not only that, but they can strongly influence your health and general well being by the way they design. And this is just one section of the several that I have read so far.
Its inspiring really. It is so easy for me to get discouraged at my job… especially when I sit day after day, staring at a computer screen, drawing some technical detail that seems so minor and really not that interesting. I especially hate the days where I walk out at the end of the day and realize that I’ve barely talked to another human being. I forget how God has allowed me to play a small part in the shaping of this earth and the environment that shelters and protects and provides for His people. Instead I focus on how my body aches from sitting down so long, and on how I dread opening AutoCad again to the same drawings I’ve been working on for months now. The other day I stepped out of the car and thought “God if only I could have one meaningful conversation today with somebody.”
I realize more and more lately how I rate the success of my day/life on the relationships I have. A completely unproductive day at work, yet full of random conversations and laugher, almost always beats a mostly full day of productivity. And… if I can’t have meaningful conversations at work b/c the environment and culture is not welcoming to this, than I find myself wishing I could be more productive, because at least if I can’t talk to somebody, I’d get something done. But then I find I’m not all that productive without being able to talk to somebody at least a little bit. So, you see, I’m in a bit of a bind.
And… as most people seem to perceive me as “quiet” I’ll clarify that when I say “talk to” somebody, I usually mean somebody talking to me. That’s right, I like to listen. Especially when I’m just getting to know somebody. And my close friends right now, are saying to themselves, “yeah right, Nikki and listening is maybe not two words I’d use together too frequently”, hence the comment about “especially when I’m getting to know somebody”.
Anyways, now that I’ve rambled and this email is on a completely different track than when I started, I’ll keep rambling. I think I’m just lonely here in LA. Its taking way too dang long to get to know somebody and when work seems to be filling most of my time, I seem to get depressed. I wonder, does my work environment just devalue the social aspects of life, or is that normal in the professional field? Am I just anti-social and need to be more aggressive and outgoing, or is it in some part, just LA, a huge city (a collection of 88 cities crammed into one- really!) and its just hard to get to know people?
Or maybe, its just the recent increase of family specific conflict that’s poured into my soul, that puts an overall shadow over everything. Yes, I think that’s definitely part of it.
I was going to write about volatile organic compounds and how God created an earth we’d have to die in, and about what spirituality really is, but I’ll save that for another day. Back to studying.
Did you know that Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors, where levels of pollutants may be two to five times- and occasionally more than 100 times- higher than outdoor levels? (According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency) Are you wondering how that is possible? I did. To summarize, indoor air pollution is caused by ventilation systems that fail to fully remove “old” air with fresh outdoor air. Bad systems can store dust, volatile organic compounds, microorganisms, and other contaminants for years. Not only that, but during construction and installation, the glues, paints and coatings, carpet, and wood we use release harmful chemicals into the air, that are frequently not fully flushed out of the building before it is opened to the public. Things like this can cause sicknesses and headaches, among other things, to anybody inside.
Sorry to bore you with technical info, but this was just the beginning of my surprise. Buildings aren’t as safe as I always assumed they were. Architects, contractors, and construction workers have a HUGE impact on the environment we live in every day. Not only that, but they can strongly influence your health and general well being by the way they design. And this is just one section of the several that I have read so far.
Its inspiring really. It is so easy for me to get discouraged at my job… especially when I sit day after day, staring at a computer screen, drawing some technical detail that seems so minor and really not that interesting. I especially hate the days where I walk out at the end of the day and realize that I’ve barely talked to another human being. I forget how God has allowed me to play a small part in the shaping of this earth and the environment that shelters and protects and provides for His people. Instead I focus on how my body aches from sitting down so long, and on how I dread opening AutoCad again to the same drawings I’ve been working on for months now. The other day I stepped out of the car and thought “God if only I could have one meaningful conversation today with somebody.”
I realize more and more lately how I rate the success of my day/life on the relationships I have. A completely unproductive day at work, yet full of random conversations and laugher, almost always beats a mostly full day of productivity. And… if I can’t have meaningful conversations at work b/c the environment and culture is not welcoming to this, than I find myself wishing I could be more productive, because at least if I can’t talk to somebody, I’d get something done. But then I find I’m not all that productive without being able to talk to somebody at least a little bit. So, you see, I’m in a bit of a bind.
And… as most people seem to perceive me as “quiet” I’ll clarify that when I say “talk to” somebody, I usually mean somebody talking to me. That’s right, I like to listen. Especially when I’m just getting to know somebody. And my close friends right now, are saying to themselves, “yeah right, Nikki and listening is maybe not two words I’d use together too frequently”, hence the comment about “especially when I’m getting to know somebody”.
Anyways, now that I’ve rambled and this email is on a completely different track than when I started, I’ll keep rambling. I think I’m just lonely here in LA. Its taking way too dang long to get to know somebody and when work seems to be filling most of my time, I seem to get depressed. I wonder, does my work environment just devalue the social aspects of life, or is that normal in the professional field? Am I just anti-social and need to be more aggressive and outgoing, or is it in some part, just LA, a huge city (a collection of 88 cities crammed into one- really!) and its just hard to get to know people?
Or maybe, its just the recent increase of family specific conflict that’s poured into my soul, that puts an overall shadow over everything. Yes, I think that’s definitely part of it.
I was going to write about volatile organic compounds and how God created an earth we’d have to die in, and about what spirituality really is, but I’ll save that for another day. Back to studying.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Yesterday's Headlines
Last nights headline news was: the rain.
Yesterday it rained all afternoon and evening and it was hilarious to watch LA react. The head news story was a reporter sitting at an intersection, with the camera just watching cars drive by and splash up water. haha. seriously. They played it over and over again too.
Second main story: corvette stuck in intersection because there is too much water to drive. Then it showed the corvette just sitting there with water running around its wheels, like maybe half way up the wheels.
Third story: Local fireman spend days preparing for today's storms (it shows a map and firefighters looking at "trouble" spots in LA), many homeowners out in the rain filling sandbags to protect their property.
Forth story: BMW on the side of the road. Somehow got pushed off the road, by water?
Fifth story (that I remember): one road that goes underneath a highway closed due to high water. local police men enforced. one car, maybe a small toyota managed to get around the blockade and drive through the water that is pretty high, only to get ticketed on the other side by another police officer.
Today's skys: Partially cloudy with stong winds. Slight morning midst shower. By 8:00 am, not a drop of water left.
Yesterday it rained all afternoon and evening and it was hilarious to watch LA react. The head news story was a reporter sitting at an intersection, with the camera just watching cars drive by and splash up water. haha. seriously. They played it over and over again too.
Second main story: corvette stuck in intersection because there is too much water to drive. Then it showed the corvette just sitting there with water running around its wheels, like maybe half way up the wheels.
Third story: Local fireman spend days preparing for today's storms (it shows a map and firefighters looking at "trouble" spots in LA), many homeowners out in the rain filling sandbags to protect their property.
Forth story: BMW on the side of the road. Somehow got pushed off the road, by water?
Fifth story (that I remember): one road that goes underneath a highway closed due to high water. local police men enforced. one car, maybe a small toyota managed to get around the blockade and drive through the water that is pretty high, only to get ticketed on the other side by another police officer.
Today's skys: Partially cloudy with stong winds. Slight morning midst shower. By 8:00 am, not a drop of water left.
The Bus Stop
Okay... this post is a little late but I wanted to share anyways. To get home, I have to catch two buses... one near the front of our office and another in West Hollywood. On Friday, traffic was horrific, so my second bus was almost an hour late. So I sat at the West Hollywood bus stop for almost an hour and watched cars drive by, until the last five minutes before the bus fianlly came and I remembered I had my ipod and started listening to music and dancing :) Anyways, I wanted to repot the cars I saw as I sat. (reported numbers are estimations) 2-Ferraris, 4-Corvettes, 2-specialty old cars (i don't know what they were exactly), 5-lexus SUVs, WAY too many BMWs to count, (thats like the standard car here), 3-porshes (however you spell it), and 3 Boxster convertibles. (at least I'm pretty sure thats what they were). Crazy huh? I thought it was interesting.
Monday, February 20, 2006
One Year Anniversary
Our one year anniversary was yesterday! I can't believe how fast the year has gone... and how much has changed. To celebrate, we didn't have much time or money, so we decided to get a hotel room downtown and explore the city some more. I know it doesn't sound too romantic but... who knows how long we'll live here and there is so much here that we haven't yet gotten a chance to experience. We started out by stopping by the Disney Concert Hall two hours before the next concert and seeing if we could get some last minute discounted tickets. They had about 20 seats still open so we could snag two seats. It was an awesome experience, listening to pieces by Beethoven and Stravinsky while being in a beautiful space. The picture below shows Kevin walking to the ticket booth.
The next picture (I hate how it didn't turn out, but the story is good so I have to show it anyways) is of the Toy Distict in LA. Not a good area to be walking around late at night. We ended up there on accident trying to find some Japanese restaurant I had read about in a book... and walked by probably hundreds of carboard boxes and tents. This picture isn't the most descriptive because we took it as we were leaving the area (we were a little uncomfortable) but in the cardboard box on the right is the somebody's home. I've never seen anything like it, in the United States, that is. 
The picture below is where we actually ended up for dinner after trying out four different restaurants. The Japanese one in Little Tokyo had a huge line, and after waiting an hour and being nowhere near being seated, we left. It ended up taking us another hour to find another restaurant anyways, but oh well, we got a good view. We shared a meal at the LA Prime Restaurant on the 35th floor of some famous hotel (yes I already forgot the name and don't want to look it up right now).
We stayed at a very trendy hotel in downtown for a discounted price because we stayed on a sunday night (I got monday off work for President's Day). Yes that is a glass window in the shower to the bed. Fun times.
Room service in the morning. A first for us.
Us standing outside the hotel in front of a palm tree.
Today we decided to head to Hollywood before coming home because they are having an Oscar display before the big event happens March 5th. There are signs for it everywhere all over the city. They had an Oscar there that you could hold and get a picture taken, so here's Kevin, get his first Oscar for... most creative idealist of futuristic cultural values. Whatever.
Thats it. I love posting pictures, it allows me to pretend that you all are here with us, sharing these experiences. We miss you all a lot!
The next picture (I hate how it didn't turn out, but the story is good so I have to show it anyways) is of the Toy Distict in LA. Not a good area to be walking around late at night. We ended up there on accident trying to find some Japanese restaurant I had read about in a book... and walked by probably hundreds of carboard boxes and tents. This picture isn't the most descriptive because we took it as we were leaving the area (we were a little uncomfortable) but in the cardboard box on the right is the somebody's home. I've never seen anything like it, in the United States, that is. 
The picture below is where we actually ended up for dinner after trying out four different restaurants. The Japanese one in Little Tokyo had a huge line, and after waiting an hour and being nowhere near being seated, we left. It ended up taking us another hour to find another restaurant anyways, but oh well, we got a good view. We shared a meal at the LA Prime Restaurant on the 35th floor of some famous hotel (yes I already forgot the name and don't want to look it up right now).
We stayed at a very trendy hotel in downtown for a discounted price because we stayed on a sunday night (I got monday off work for President's Day). Yes that is a glass window in the shower to the bed. Fun times.
Room service in the morning. A first for us.
Us standing outside the hotel in front of a palm tree.
Today we decided to head to Hollywood before coming home because they are having an Oscar display before the big event happens March 5th. There are signs for it everywhere all over the city. They had an Oscar there that you could hold and get a picture taken, so here's Kevin, get his first Oscar for... most creative idealist of futuristic cultural values. Whatever.
Thats it. I love posting pictures, it allows me to pretend that you all are here with us, sharing these experiences. We miss you all a lot!
Friday, February 17, 2006
Medical Scam
I went to the eye doctor yesterday, for my second exam this month. In the winter, I always have really dry eyes... so dry that sometimes I can't wear contacts for days at a time. It seems worse in LA, but I contributed that to working on a computer all day and all week. Well this eye doctor is either determined to fix that problem or a great scam artist. The first time I went in they suggested a new kind of contacts that allows the most oxygen to pass through... and yes it is a significant difference from the contacts I've had for years (if you compare the permeability of the old verses the new). They cost about $10 more a pack and I had a $100 contact fitting fee, which they assured me was customary for new clients. Then I had to go back in two weeks later (yesterday) to get my eyes looked at again to see if I was adjusting to the new contacts well. I didn't notice a difference between the new and the old... so this time she wrote me a perscription for an eye drop that I'd have to use twice a day. As well as giving me two new sets of the new contacts (yes-at least I got something for "free") and I have to come back in a month later to see how the drops and new contacts are doing. And... pay another doctor visit fee and she is convinced I need my eyes dilated b/c I haven't done it in a few years.
I always feel so helpless. The doctor suggests something and I just feel so unsure... can I trust her? Is this really worth it? Do I really need this? AHHHHHHHHHHH. I wanted to call my mom and ask her opinion. She always knew what I needed as a kid. Here I am 23 years old and married, and still needing my mom to go to the doctor with me.
So I go home and feel guilty. Am I spending money I don't have? well... yes, but is it for a good cause? AHHHHHHHH. I figure my eyes are always dry in the winter, I'll wait it out, and then in the summer I'll be fine. What should I do?
Somebody help me please. I have "decision making with doctors" syndrome.
I always feel so helpless. The doctor suggests something and I just feel so unsure... can I trust her? Is this really worth it? Do I really need this? AHHHHHHHHHHH. I wanted to call my mom and ask her opinion. She always knew what I needed as a kid. Here I am 23 years old and married, and still needing my mom to go to the doctor with me.
So I go home and feel guilty. Am I spending money I don't have? well... yes, but is it for a good cause? AHHHHHHHH. I figure my eyes are always dry in the winter, I'll wait it out, and then in the summer I'll be fine. What should I do?
Somebody help me please. I have "decision making with doctors" syndrome.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Something
Happy Valentine's Day (yesterday)
I always think of these profound thoughts on the bus or late at night, to post on my blog, but then when I actually get back to the computer, nothing.
Latest news: conflict management, birth control issues, studying (still) for a professional certificate in environmental/green design, lots of public bus time, and... tonight is yoga. It kicks my butt everytime.
Well I just wanted to say hi, especially since I haven't posted in awhile. This Sunday is Kevin and I's one year anniversary. I can't belive its already here.
I always think of these profound thoughts on the bus or late at night, to post on my blog, but then when I actually get back to the computer, nothing.
Latest news: conflict management, birth control issues, studying (still) for a professional certificate in environmental/green design, lots of public bus time, and... tonight is yoga. It kicks my butt everytime.
Well I just wanted to say hi, especially since I haven't posted in awhile. This Sunday is Kevin and I's one year anniversary. I can't belive its already here.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Getting Tired
Busy. Thats the word of our days lately. Hopefully it will not always remain this way, but I am thankful for things to be involved in, people to be spending time with. I would have pictures to show you... but our digital camera has been momentarily displaced and will hopefully return sometime this week :) Got to love husbands. haha (just kidding).
This last week I've been fighting a head cold. You know, those colds that aren't enough to keep you from your work but add just enough discomfort to the day to make you exhausted. So after my 1 hour and 15 minute commute by bus home, I ate dinner and went to bed. (that is, if I could). We had the most random thing happen to us this last week... as I was getting off the bus I met Kevin at Panera where he said he had bought some "friends" dinner. Of course, the instant he told me this on the cell phone I knew it was homeless people of some sort. One of my favorite things about Kevin is his generosity. He never thinks twice about helping those we pass in the streets in need... and we pass them nearly everyday. I am too anal and worried about money to give as freely as he can... so I praise God that he is not like me in that way and that his compassion is greater than his concern for wealth.
Anyways, back to the story. Basically, he met two people that had obviously been running away from home (from Arizona) and had run out of money. They were young, maybe in high school and had asked Kevin in the parking lot for bus money... and then when they realized he was willing to help they told their whole story. Their abusive step father had been drinking and had gone too far... they were out in LA, the place where everybody comes "to make it" and needed a place to stay and some food. We hooked them up with a local motel and thats when they introduced their blind uncle. He had been tagging along with them as well, but they didn't want to mention him earlier. As we drove them to the motel, the uncle started to get anxiety attacks from not having his medicine, so we then proceeded to drive them to a local emergency pharmacy place somewhere in LA... basically getting to spend a few hours with our new friends. It was an interesting night. We just hope they know God saw them that night and that He cares about them, and are glad that we could help that night.
Aside from that, we've had some tense discussions about money and then spent an entire 14 hours with this couple we've been hanging out with (another interiors person for the firm HOK and her husband). We went to the Getty Villa Museum (on opening day) then went back to their place to hang out, play games, and eat some more food. :)
Then Sunday came, today, and I'm tired. I'm helping with the Launch experience at Mosaic (that seminar like thing that helps empower people as God created them) this year so I had some meetings this morning with that.
Life is good. Its busy. :) I still miss all my Kansas people (and Missouri).
Bye bye for now... we are headed to a friends for a dinner of breakfast.
This last week I've been fighting a head cold. You know, those colds that aren't enough to keep you from your work but add just enough discomfort to the day to make you exhausted. So after my 1 hour and 15 minute commute by bus home, I ate dinner and went to bed. (that is, if I could). We had the most random thing happen to us this last week... as I was getting off the bus I met Kevin at Panera where he said he had bought some "friends" dinner. Of course, the instant he told me this on the cell phone I knew it was homeless people of some sort. One of my favorite things about Kevin is his generosity. He never thinks twice about helping those we pass in the streets in need... and we pass them nearly everyday. I am too anal and worried about money to give as freely as he can... so I praise God that he is not like me in that way and that his compassion is greater than his concern for wealth.
Anyways, back to the story. Basically, he met two people that had obviously been running away from home (from Arizona) and had run out of money. They were young, maybe in high school and had asked Kevin in the parking lot for bus money... and then when they realized he was willing to help they told their whole story. Their abusive step father had been drinking and had gone too far... they were out in LA, the place where everybody comes "to make it" and needed a place to stay and some food. We hooked them up with a local motel and thats when they introduced their blind uncle. He had been tagging along with them as well, but they didn't want to mention him earlier. As we drove them to the motel, the uncle started to get anxiety attacks from not having his medicine, so we then proceeded to drive them to a local emergency pharmacy place somewhere in LA... basically getting to spend a few hours with our new friends. It was an interesting night. We just hope they know God saw them that night and that He cares about them, and are glad that we could help that night.
Aside from that, we've had some tense discussions about money and then spent an entire 14 hours with this couple we've been hanging out with (another interiors person for the firm HOK and her husband). We went to the Getty Villa Museum (on opening day) then went back to their place to hang out, play games, and eat some more food. :)
Then Sunday came, today, and I'm tired. I'm helping with the Launch experience at Mosaic (that seminar like thing that helps empower people as God created them) this year so I had some meetings this morning with that.
Life is good. Its busy. :) I still miss all my Kansas people (and Missouri).
Bye bye for now... we are headed to a friends for a dinner of breakfast.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Mosaic Info
This is some cool stuff that Kevin and I have been learning about the organization we are a part of here in LA, Mosaic. Last Saturday we had a leadership conference thing- basically an event that gathers the leaders of Mosaic together to reinforce core values and discuss new changes, etc.
The core values of Mosaic (to some of you this will be review, but its still interesting, I promise)
1. Mission is why the church exists.
aka. People matter most.
2. Love is the context for all mission.
aka. Love permeates everything.
3. Structure must always submit to Spirit.
aka. Passion fuels action.
4. Revelance to culture is not an option.
aka. Revelance communicates truth.
5. The natural response to spirituality is creativity.
aka. Character causes change.
I think these are it. Basically they have a main statement and then another little slogan thing to help clarify. Kevin and I are really excited about the core values... it is understandable why Mosaic is a huge world movement not only in LA but around the world. They just planted Mosaic Germany this last fall and then next one is Mosaic Australia. Basically people read Erwin's books and if they agree w/ the core values, they can petition to become a Mosaic Wherever they are. It doesn't necessarily mean that Mosaic LA people went and planted somewhere. Kevin and I think that is a healthy sign that not only LA people are going out, but that these values are exciting people around the globe. Its much bigger than LA.
Secondly, Erwin gave a talk that he also gave at Orgins awhile ago about movements he believes must take place in the church for it really to be a life-transforming, Spirit movement, unity of those that are likehearted. They are listed below. (revised in my words from my notes)
The church must move from:
1. Standardization to Uniqueness.
Stop being consumed with discipline and holiness and conforming to be all exactly alike and focus more on the freedom of Christ, His unique giftings, and the beauty that is spread differently thru us all. Why? B/c misson is why the church exists- not a country club to help people become holy, but a place were broken people recieve freedom and transformation. People will not be drawn to standardization and a list of what to do and how to do it. People are drawn by power and love. This was hard for me and KV to accept at first, b/c we value discipleship so much. But lately, seeing as we will never reach the holiness we will strive to, it makes more sense to focus on others and letting the Spirit guide, than making sure I change myself.
2. Utility to Creativity.
Utility is all about the structure, plugging people in to the system, about a massive organization. Creativity is about empowering, encouraging people to dream big, being flexible to follow people's passions. Being okay with trying and messing up.
3. Homogidity to Diversity.
Strongly encouraging the church to reach outside of the "people like us". The real challenge is to love and value those quite unlike us, our peers. Homogidity communites that "we are everything" and that we value ourselves the most. Diversity communicates sincere love.
4. Pragmatism to Mysticism.
Pragmatism is mathmatical, dependant and limited by what we can define and fully know. Mysticism is unashamed to be connected to an unseen energy... to believe in things beyond the material world. It is intimacy based.
5. Conviction to Compassion.
People used to be dependent on bringing people to God thru this. I have heard this so many times, "but I must make sure they know what they are doing is wrong." It is not trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit to convict His own people in His own time. Compassion brings life not condemnation, as John 3:17 says. People want to know if love really exists... not if sin really exists. Live out love and trust the Spirit.
Well this is what we spent a large part of our weekend studying. Kevin and I are very excited to be here and be part of this movement!
The core values of Mosaic (to some of you this will be review, but its still interesting, I promise)
1. Mission is why the church exists.
aka. People matter most.
2. Love is the context for all mission.
aka. Love permeates everything.
3. Structure must always submit to Spirit.
aka. Passion fuels action.
4. Revelance to culture is not an option.
aka. Revelance communicates truth.
5. The natural response to spirituality is creativity.
aka. Character causes change.
I think these are it. Basically they have a main statement and then another little slogan thing to help clarify. Kevin and I are really excited about the core values... it is understandable why Mosaic is a huge world movement not only in LA but around the world. They just planted Mosaic Germany this last fall and then next one is Mosaic Australia. Basically people read Erwin's books and if they agree w/ the core values, they can petition to become a Mosaic Wherever they are. It doesn't necessarily mean that Mosaic LA people went and planted somewhere. Kevin and I think that is a healthy sign that not only LA people are going out, but that these values are exciting people around the globe. Its much bigger than LA.
Secondly, Erwin gave a talk that he also gave at Orgins awhile ago about movements he believes must take place in the church for it really to be a life-transforming, Spirit movement, unity of those that are likehearted. They are listed below. (revised in my words from my notes)
The church must move from:
1. Standardization to Uniqueness.
Stop being consumed with discipline and holiness and conforming to be all exactly alike and focus more on the freedom of Christ, His unique giftings, and the beauty that is spread differently thru us all. Why? B/c misson is why the church exists- not a country club to help people become holy, but a place were broken people recieve freedom and transformation. People will not be drawn to standardization and a list of what to do and how to do it. People are drawn by power and love. This was hard for me and KV to accept at first, b/c we value discipleship so much. But lately, seeing as we will never reach the holiness we will strive to, it makes more sense to focus on others and letting the Spirit guide, than making sure I change myself.
2. Utility to Creativity.
Utility is all about the structure, plugging people in to the system, about a massive organization. Creativity is about empowering, encouraging people to dream big, being flexible to follow people's passions. Being okay with trying and messing up.
3. Homogidity to Diversity.
Strongly encouraging the church to reach outside of the "people like us". The real challenge is to love and value those quite unlike us, our peers. Homogidity communites that "we are everything" and that we value ourselves the most. Diversity communicates sincere love.
4. Pragmatism to Mysticism.
Pragmatism is mathmatical, dependant and limited by what we can define and fully know. Mysticism is unashamed to be connected to an unseen energy... to believe in things beyond the material world. It is intimacy based.
5. Conviction to Compassion.
People used to be dependent on bringing people to God thru this. I have heard this so many times, "but I must make sure they know what they are doing is wrong." It is not trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit to convict His own people in His own time. Compassion brings life not condemnation, as John 3:17 says. People want to know if love really exists... not if sin really exists. Live out love and trust the Spirit.
Well this is what we spent a large part of our weekend studying. Kevin and I are very excited to be here and be part of this movement!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Another car struggle
Okay so today as I was on my way to drop off Kevin at his brother's so that they could head out to San Francisco for an intersession course this week... our one remaining car, the Camry, starts smoking. We took it to a brake place we saw down the street and then I caught a bus to get to work while they checked it out. (Steve came and picked up Kevin from the brake place). I guess there is something wrong with our brakes.. a caliber (I think, I have no idea). Anyways, bottom line is... it's going to cost $500 to fix.
I can't help but feel my stomack sink a little. I hate money matters and here we go again. It just seems to be one thing after another for us out here. Maybe thats just life and I'll have to get used to it. Maybe I'll leave the country.
I can't help but feel my stomack sink a little. I hate money matters and here we go again. It just seems to be one thing after another for us out here. Maybe thats just life and I'll have to get used to it. Maybe I'll leave the country.
Monday, January 09, 2006
The weekend
Here I am at work, trying to stay somewhat focused... I just finished putting together a large presentation of the interior of a private middle school in Beverly Hills. The project is currently projected to cost over 50 million dollars and to increase rapidly over the next few years. Craziness. What lucky middle school kids. Do they know the carpet that they might walk on could cost around $30 a yard? Its hard for me to see the bigger picture, although it is fun to think about helping middle school kids.
I could not for the life of me sleep last night. At 3:30am I finally got up and decided to try to read a book on money management, thinking that would help me fall asleep. But sure didn't. My mind stayed wide awake, although bored. So here I am after two hours of sleep. I feel quite alright actually, my body kicks back onto its backup system pretty easily... I guess it hasn't forgotten those college days after all.
So the interesting story of the weekend is this: Kevin and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain in LA on Saturday. They are famous for their rollar coasters... sixteen in all I think. I got to ride three. Three... and then I was done. Maybe forever. The last rollar coaster I rode was called the Goliath...
Towering 255-feet above earth, the massive steel superstructure has one of the world's tallest drops and at speeds of 85 miles-per-hour, it is one of the fastest roller coasters of modern day. Combining traditional coaster thrills with a few new devilish twists, GOLIATH sends riders on a 3-minute "non-stop" high speed adventure over 4,500 feet of steel track with daring "butterflies-in-your-stomach" plunges, huge sweeping spirals, zero-gravity "floating" hills and drops, and the 120-foot-long tunnel shrouded in total darkness for the thrill of a lifetime!
Well after that huge drop and the tunnel we broke into a series of intense spirals... during which I blacked out for a few seconds. The G forces were so strong my mind wigged out. It was seriously scary... I didn't know whether to start crying or laughing... b/c it was an awesome ride yet I could have nearly died. Anyways, thats it... I think I'll retire from them for awhile.
I could not for the life of me sleep last night. At 3:30am I finally got up and decided to try to read a book on money management, thinking that would help me fall asleep. But sure didn't. My mind stayed wide awake, although bored. So here I am after two hours of sleep. I feel quite alright actually, my body kicks back onto its backup system pretty easily... I guess it hasn't forgotten those college days after all.
So the interesting story of the weekend is this: Kevin and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain in LA on Saturday. They are famous for their rollar coasters... sixteen in all I think. I got to ride three. Three... and then I was done. Maybe forever. The last rollar coaster I rode was called the Goliath...
Towering 255-feet above earth, the massive steel superstructure has one of the world's tallest drops and at speeds of 85 miles-per-hour, it is one of the fastest roller coasters of modern day. Combining traditional coaster thrills with a few new devilish twists, GOLIATH sends riders on a 3-minute "non-stop" high speed adventure over 4,500 feet of steel track with daring "butterflies-in-your-stomach" plunges, huge sweeping spirals, zero-gravity "floating" hills and drops, and the 120-foot-long tunnel shrouded in total darkness for the thrill of a lifetime!
Well after that huge drop and the tunnel we broke into a series of intense spirals... during which I blacked out for a few seconds. The G forces were so strong my mind wigged out. It was seriously scary... I didn't know whether to start crying or laughing... b/c it was an awesome ride yet I could have nearly died. Anyways, thats it... I think I'll retire from them for awhile.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Rose Bowl
I only have one thing to say to my fellow co-workers here in LA...
GO TEXAS!!
haha.
It was just too tempting... I couldn't pass it up, regardless of my lack of interest in football.
GO TEXAS!!
haha.
It was just too tempting... I couldn't pass it up, regardless of my lack of interest in football.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Nerves
I just had to give a recorded testimony of the car accident to the adjuster of the BMW owner... I have to admit, this car thing is really working my nerves. It can make me feel so anxious. I just figure I have nothing more to lose... the car is already gone and we have no money he can take anyways... ahhhhhhhhh. It turns out both cars were totaled so now we are dealing with who's insurance claim pays for what, whos liable, etc. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Aside from that, my firm's Christmas party is this afternoon... I can barely wait for the holiday to be here. Kevin and I can't wait to see family and friends again- its made this last week dreadfully slow. Friday night we are celebrating our first Christmas together, before we head out Saturday for Kansas. Kevin keeps buying me gifts... I can't keep up.
Aside from that, my firm's Christmas party is this afternoon... I can barely wait for the holiday to be here. Kevin and I can't wait to see family and friends again- its made this last week dreadfully slow. Friday night we are celebrating our first Christmas together, before we head out Saturday for Kansas. Kevin keeps buying me gifts... I can't keep up.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The Nissan Eulogy
Our 1995 Nissan Altima (sometimes referred to as "The Cloud") passed away this Monday morning, Dec 12th 2005, quite suddenly and unexpectantly. Our almost three year relationship ended abruptly when a blue/silver BMW beheaded her in a nearly head on collision. The Nissan is mostly still intact... just the most important and valuable parts probably are no longer usable. The damage will be far more than the worth of the car... hence the diagnoses that the Nissan is now "dead". Time seems to freeze as the Nissan let out her last breath when the air bag exploded near my face.
I feel sad sometimes when I think about how quickly the Nissan was destroyed. One minute I was walking to my car to head off to work, and the next I was standing on the street's curb, staring in shock at my car as the transmission and radiator fluid poured out. Neither of the drivers were seriously injured… he did have a small gash in his head from his air bag but he was quickly calmed and treated. I had some soreness of neck and back but after visiting the chiropractor the next day, was almost as good as usual.
The neighbors, our landlord, the wife of the BMW owner, firemen, and police officers were all very kind, acting as though this was something that happened every day. In fact, I heard more than once, "welcome to LA" as sightseers passed by and stopped to see the wreckage.
Kevin and I currently have a rented car to use for a few days and then we will figure out how to live in this huge, auto-land, with one car… at least for now. We are thankful for God's mercy and provision as we had just finalized car insurance nearly a week before and no serious injuries were caused. No blame has been placed yet, I think both drivers did the best they could at the time. We will find out the insurance company's response in a few days though.
The story (in a nutshell)… I was coming out of our apartment parking lot, trying to make a left hand turn. The street I was turning onto to has poor visibility b/c cars park along both sides. I am always nervous pulling out… looking both ways for sometimes several minutes before heading out. This time, I thought I was clear, after watching a black SUV park further up the road one way, and watching the nearest light turn red the other way. I didn't see the BMW until my air bag exploded.
And that is our latest LA adventure/experience. We have survived yet again. Thanks for all your calls, emails, support and prayers…. We really appreciate you all. And remember, especially as you see the pictures below, that I really am okay.
The entrance to our parking spot... we drive underneath another complex to get to our apt in the back... this is where I was pulling out from to make a left turn.
I feel sad sometimes when I think about how quickly the Nissan was destroyed. One minute I was walking to my car to head off to work, and the next I was standing on the street's curb, staring in shock at my car as the transmission and radiator fluid poured out. Neither of the drivers were seriously injured… he did have a small gash in his head from his air bag but he was quickly calmed and treated. I had some soreness of neck and back but after visiting the chiropractor the next day, was almost as good as usual.
The neighbors, our landlord, the wife of the BMW owner, firemen, and police officers were all very kind, acting as though this was something that happened every day. In fact, I heard more than once, "welcome to LA" as sightseers passed by and stopped to see the wreckage.
Kevin and I currently have a rented car to use for a few days and then we will figure out how to live in this huge, auto-land, with one car… at least for now. We are thankful for God's mercy and provision as we had just finalized car insurance nearly a week before and no serious injuries were caused. No blame has been placed yet, I think both drivers did the best they could at the time. We will find out the insurance company's response in a few days though.
The story (in a nutshell)… I was coming out of our apartment parking lot, trying to make a left hand turn. The street I was turning onto to has poor visibility b/c cars park along both sides. I am always nervous pulling out… looking both ways for sometimes several minutes before heading out. This time, I thought I was clear, after watching a black SUV park further up the road one way, and watching the nearest light turn red the other way. I didn't see the BMW until my air bag exploded.
And that is our latest LA adventure/experience. We have survived yet again. Thanks for all your calls, emails, support and prayers…. We really appreciate you all. And remember, especially as you see the pictures below, that I really am okay.
The entrance to our parking spot... we drive underneath another complex to get to our apt in the back... this is where I was pulling out from to make a left turn.
My car is shown above and then the BMW below...
But remember... I'm okay! Just a little sore...
On another note, here are some pictures from LA that we took this last weekend.
Shown above is my favorite flower in LA... and I haven't figured out what it is called yet. Any ideas?
It is unusual to find a tree that has leaves that actually act like its winter... so I had to take a picture of one. This is in a garden at the Getty museum.
I took this picture for Jill... I was thinking of you at the garden and took this picture :) Its not as good as yours though!
Kevin making a carrot cake... I've been (trying to) teach him everything Cindy and Heather taught me.
I love you all and love you and can't wait to come to KS soon!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
What can I control?
This blog thing is starting to feel more like my personal journal... when good things happen I forget to write or I just don't feel like it... but on the heavier days I tend to become overwelmed w/ the intensity of my thoughts.
Last night, today looked adventurous and inviting... but then 12 am passed and it took its own turn. Kevin and I are going to a premier tonight of the movie Chronicles of Narnia. We've never been to one before so we don't know what to expect... red carpet? The actors and producers? Pieces of the sets on display? I'll let you know tomorrow how it went... if only I can get that far in the day.
I decided to try out the bus system on my way to work... since the bus doesn't really come near enough to my apt to walk to, Kevin dropped me off at the first bus stop. I had barely slept the night before, had a headache and possibly a fever, and was anxious... was this bus thing really going to work? I felt silly... especially since in Prague, bus and tram were the only way to really get around. I should know how to do this, and yet still I felt hesitant. I got on and five minutes later the bus broke down. What are the chances of that happening today, I thought to myself. An hour and a half later I was finally walking into work... just a little late :)
I find LA gets me aggitated in ways I didn't expect. The other week, as I drove home in heavy traffic, I became so frustrated I actually yelled in my car. Not just once either. I'd had enough. Let me go. Get out of my way. And the car sat in idle, waiting for the miles of cars in front of me to creep forward. I thought I would literally explode. I could feel the anxiety boiling underneath my skin. What has LA done to me?
What do bus adventures and traffic have in common? Well actually a lot, but I wonder if you are wondering how I will connect them with control. The other day in my car I thought of our group of friends that went to Indonesia and spent 14 hours (or however long... lets just say a LONG time) in the bus to get there (after flying however long first of course.) I thought to myself, "Well if this was Indonesia I'd be fine... I'd expect this two hour holdup as part of the adventure and plow on). But b/c it's in LA... I'm going to explode. Is that not reason to begin to worry? What about being in a different country changes my attitude? my expectations? my time?
The anwser... what I feel in control of. I can't control travel time in Indonesia... its a well known and accepted fact... so it wouldn't get to me. But.... for some odd reason, I fight intensely and dramatically for control of travel time in LA. Even as I was yelling in my car the other day, I thought, "Why can't I just let it go?"
If only I could have my "Indonesia perspective" all the time...
Last night, today looked adventurous and inviting... but then 12 am passed and it took its own turn. Kevin and I are going to a premier tonight of the movie Chronicles of Narnia. We've never been to one before so we don't know what to expect... red carpet? The actors and producers? Pieces of the sets on display? I'll let you know tomorrow how it went... if only I can get that far in the day.
I decided to try out the bus system on my way to work... since the bus doesn't really come near enough to my apt to walk to, Kevin dropped me off at the first bus stop. I had barely slept the night before, had a headache and possibly a fever, and was anxious... was this bus thing really going to work? I felt silly... especially since in Prague, bus and tram were the only way to really get around. I should know how to do this, and yet still I felt hesitant. I got on and five minutes later the bus broke down. What are the chances of that happening today, I thought to myself. An hour and a half later I was finally walking into work... just a little late :)
I find LA gets me aggitated in ways I didn't expect. The other week, as I drove home in heavy traffic, I became so frustrated I actually yelled in my car. Not just once either. I'd had enough. Let me go. Get out of my way. And the car sat in idle, waiting for the miles of cars in front of me to creep forward. I thought I would literally explode. I could feel the anxiety boiling underneath my skin. What has LA done to me?
What do bus adventures and traffic have in common? Well actually a lot, but I wonder if you are wondering how I will connect them with control. The other day in my car I thought of our group of friends that went to Indonesia and spent 14 hours (or however long... lets just say a LONG time) in the bus to get there (after flying however long first of course.) I thought to myself, "Well if this was Indonesia I'd be fine... I'd expect this two hour holdup as part of the adventure and plow on). But b/c it's in LA... I'm going to explode. Is that not reason to begin to worry? What about being in a different country changes my attitude? my expectations? my time?
The anwser... what I feel in control of. I can't control travel time in Indonesia... its a well known and accepted fact... so it wouldn't get to me. But.... for some odd reason, I fight intensely and dramatically for control of travel time in LA. Even as I was yelling in my car the other day, I thought, "Why can't I just let it go?"
If only I could have my "Indonesia perspective" all the time...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Another bad dream
Yep. It happened again... seems God always speaks the most to me when I am trying to sleep. This time it was worse though... my brother... in my dream, we almost lost him. He got so exasperated w/life that he gave up on it and tried to escape it forever. I caught him in my arms as he fell...
as if I could save him.
It broke my heart again. Again I cried out for the sake of my brother. This time I could see the darkness surrounding him, calling to him...
He thinks that these things bring him freedom...
as if I could save him.
It broke my heart again. Again I cried out for the sake of my brother. This time I could see the darkness surrounding him, calling to him...
He thinks that these things bring him freedom...
Monday, November 28, 2005
PICTURES!!!!
Yeah! I finally got a free moment to post some pics for you all... so here you go!
First of all... a wound from soccer. haha. this almost never happens (that i actually have a bruise to show) so that is why I have to brag. Since I am a little short... I am at the perfect place to get the hard elbows of girls that run w/frailing arms... urh....
I just joined another league called South Bay Sports... in Santa Monica closer to the beach, its a winter league that plays on a small field. Its been fun, although I hate to say- my team really is't that good. Its co-ed and reminds me a lot of Prague... mostly b/c all the men are international students that prefer to speak in their native language when they play. (and they always think they are the best :)
Here is a picture of our turkey! I cooked my first one ever and it actually turned out alright. I tried cooking it in a brown bag b/c our turkey roaster pan was too big to fit in our tiny oven.
Here are our thanksgiving guests... it was a smaller dinner than Kevin and I used to, since we come from large families... but it was fun! We made way TOO much food. Pierre is on the left and Erin is on the right.
A picture of our make-shift bedroom... like our curtains... the white ones are from IKEA ($12 total) and the green one- well thats our shower curtain (we can't use it in the bathroom b/c we have those glass doors now, so I figured we'd use it since it matches our bedroom great)
And a view from our bedroom door into the living/kitchen area...
A view from the front door...
Thats it for now!
First of all... a wound from soccer. haha. this almost never happens (that i actually have a bruise to show) so that is why I have to brag. Since I am a little short... I am at the perfect place to get the hard elbows of girls that run w/frailing arms... urh....
I just joined another league called South Bay Sports... in Santa Monica closer to the beach, its a winter league that plays on a small field. Its been fun, although I hate to say- my team really is't that good. Its co-ed and reminds me a lot of Prague... mostly b/c all the men are international students that prefer to speak in their native language when they play. (and they always think they are the best :)
Here is a picture of our turkey! I cooked my first one ever and it actually turned out alright. I tried cooking it in a brown bag b/c our turkey roaster pan was too big to fit in our tiny oven. 
Here are our thanksgiving guests... it was a smaller dinner than Kevin and I used to, since we come from large families... but it was fun! We made way TOO much food. Pierre is on the left and Erin is on the right.
A picture of our make-shift bedroom... like our curtains... the white ones are from IKEA ($12 total) and the green one- well thats our shower curtain (we can't use it in the bathroom b/c we have those glass doors now, so I figured we'd use it since it matches our bedroom great)
And a view from our bedroom door into the living/kitchen area...
A view from the front door...
Thats it for now!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
It's a miracle to me.
I woke up last night… another bad dream. A living nightmare actually. It’s the same one… me, my brother, and my parents.
I found myself wondering, why do people have children? Parents have this enormous responsibility… they are the first to shape their child’s worldview. Whatever your parents taught you the first few years of your life… their values, their dreams, their failures, their expectations… are what their child will spend the rest of his life walking though. I find myself thinking, I don’t want kids, I don’t want to mess them up… all I want them to know is that they are loved. They only thing that matters is if they know they are loved. This is all changing my perspective of what this upcoming “judgment day” might look like… I sincerely doubt Jesus will sit there, on His mighty throne and say “why didn’t you obey Me? Why didn’t you do this or that… lets review everything you did wrong and could have done better every day you were alive…” NO. The Jesus I want to know, the Jesus worth following and believing in… I really think would say, “Didn’t you know that I love you?”
He’ll look into the eyes of the girl that grew up by herself and see her wounded heart and the baggage that she carries, and I think His heart would have to have some sadness in it. That it’s finally the end… and this creature that He created to be so beautiful never believed, never knew, that He loved her. He’ll look into the eyes of the wealthy business man who built his own career up from nothing by himself, and say “All I wanted was to live with you.”
That’s it. No rules, no expectations, no hidden agendas. It doesn’t matter if you go to church or read the Bible, whether you go to college or if you’re polite… He’s known plenty of Christians who never did do any of these. Do you know that He loves you? Look it up for yourself, the prodigal son wasn’t polite, and he didn’t follow the rules. The prostitutes on the street most definitely didn’t go to college. And the most trusted disciples didn’t have a single Bible.
So I return to my brother and find myself crying now. Doesn’t he know the He loves him? I cry out to Jesus… “Where are You? Why aren’t You here?” And
I hear Him say, “But I already am.” I think of the picture of my brother that I saw last week, his football picture, and the youthfulness of his face. This boy that I share not even a drop of blood with, yet I feel so connected to. I would give my life in a second for him to know that he’s loved… and even as that thought crosses my mind, I heard Him say, “So would I.”
All I can do is cry… sob. I lay at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry. I imagine myself thousands of year ago, when Jesus lived on earth. He walks by and the crowds are following Him, as they did in the typical Bible stories… and I run out to just grab on. Somehow I think that just holding on to Him is enough. And so I sit at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry.
“Come to my brother, he needs You.” I tell Jesus… and I wait for His response. I want Him to respond like He did in the stories… I want to hear Him say Yes and see Him go. I wait in my bed as I cry for an answer… begging to hear anything, a word… I want to believe Jesus cares, that He’s already on His way to him, my brother. Instead my mind flashes to something else… my heart stops and I’m in a hospital… there’s a doctor over me saying, “It’s a miracle you’re here.”
“It’s a miracle you’re here.”
Jesus didn’t say yes this morning… I didn’t see Him walk towards my brother, or even move for that matter. What I did hear, was a reminder. It’s a miracle I’m here today. Of course I’m not in a hospital, my heart didn’t stop and then start again… but the message was clear. Jesus does not work in the ways that I understand. He moves in a dimension that I cannot yet know… He’s working a miracle in my brother’s life that I cannot yet see… yet somehow I must believe that the miracle is happening… b/c it happened to me, its happened to others around me… it will happen to him.
And so I laid there w/ my hand outstretched… desperate to touch His hand… to feel His touch… and my hand fell back on my head. Not yet. Someday. At that moment I realized I had cried myself into a headache…. And now its time to get up.
I found myself wondering, why do people have children? Parents have this enormous responsibility… they are the first to shape their child’s worldview. Whatever your parents taught you the first few years of your life… their values, their dreams, their failures, their expectations… are what their child will spend the rest of his life walking though. I find myself thinking, I don’t want kids, I don’t want to mess them up… all I want them to know is that they are loved. They only thing that matters is if they know they are loved. This is all changing my perspective of what this upcoming “judgment day” might look like… I sincerely doubt Jesus will sit there, on His mighty throne and say “why didn’t you obey Me? Why didn’t you do this or that… lets review everything you did wrong and could have done better every day you were alive…” NO. The Jesus I want to know, the Jesus worth following and believing in… I really think would say, “Didn’t you know that I love you?”
He’ll look into the eyes of the girl that grew up by herself and see her wounded heart and the baggage that she carries, and I think His heart would have to have some sadness in it. That it’s finally the end… and this creature that He created to be so beautiful never believed, never knew, that He loved her. He’ll look into the eyes of the wealthy business man who built his own career up from nothing by himself, and say “All I wanted was to live with you.”
That’s it. No rules, no expectations, no hidden agendas. It doesn’t matter if you go to church or read the Bible, whether you go to college or if you’re polite… He’s known plenty of Christians who never did do any of these. Do you know that He loves you? Look it up for yourself, the prodigal son wasn’t polite, and he didn’t follow the rules. The prostitutes on the street most definitely didn’t go to college. And the most trusted disciples didn’t have a single Bible.
So I return to my brother and find myself crying now. Doesn’t he know the He loves him? I cry out to Jesus… “Where are You? Why aren’t You here?” And
I hear Him say, “But I already am.” I think of the picture of my brother that I saw last week, his football picture, and the youthfulness of his face. This boy that I share not even a drop of blood with, yet I feel so connected to. I would give my life in a second for him to know that he’s loved… and even as that thought crosses my mind, I heard Him say, “So would I.”
All I can do is cry… sob. I lay at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry. I imagine myself thousands of year ago, when Jesus lived on earth. He walks by and the crowds are following Him, as they did in the typical Bible stories… and I run out to just grab on. Somehow I think that just holding on to Him is enough. And so I sit at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry.
“Come to my brother, he needs You.” I tell Jesus… and I wait for His response. I want Him to respond like He did in the stories… I want to hear Him say Yes and see Him go. I wait in my bed as I cry for an answer… begging to hear anything, a word… I want to believe Jesus cares, that He’s already on His way to him, my brother. Instead my mind flashes to something else… my heart stops and I’m in a hospital… there’s a doctor over me saying, “It’s a miracle you’re here.”
“It’s a miracle you’re here.”
Jesus didn’t say yes this morning… I didn’t see Him walk towards my brother, or even move for that matter. What I did hear, was a reminder. It’s a miracle I’m here today. Of course I’m not in a hospital, my heart didn’t stop and then start again… but the message was clear. Jesus does not work in the ways that I understand. He moves in a dimension that I cannot yet know… He’s working a miracle in my brother’s life that I cannot yet see… yet somehow I must believe that the miracle is happening… b/c it happened to me, its happened to others around me… it will happen to him.
And so I laid there w/ my hand outstretched… desperate to touch His hand… to feel His touch… and my hand fell back on my head. Not yet. Someday. At that moment I realized I had cried myself into a headache…. And now its time to get up.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Have my eyes become dull?
Today is my brothers birthday. Normally you would find me so excited at even the mention of his name... but today I am a little discouraged. I feel like he is going through so many battles right now... and all I can do is watch, if even that, from the hundreds of miles that seperate us. The other day at our apartment I was going thru a box... yes we still have some boxes left to unpack... and I found a picture of him. His football picture from a few years ago. His face was so innocent. You could still see the child in him. If only people stayed that way, still somewhat childlike. You see a random child run by with his friend trailing behind and it always brings a smile to your face. Where is that child when he grows into a man? The child that brings instant joy into the hearts of others when they see him? Where is that sense of freedom that children have even when they don't understand?
He got so weighed down so quickly. He carries burdens that a boy should not yet have to experience. He knows things that kill his innocence and he only longs to know more... how I wish I could save him from what he now must endure to become a man.
So today I made up my mind to pray for him... but I found myself struggling to find words. What could I say to God to possibly make Him move? What hasn't already been said by me, my mother, and the few others that see past behaviors and rules to his heart?
I went for a walk and saw a flower. Actually I see flowers everywhere b/c here they grow so easily... roses, birds of paradise... these are things that people grow easily in their front yard. When I see the simple beauty found in nature, I know, without a doubt, that He cares about the smallest details, that He's involved. So why is it so much harder to see it in people's lives? Does He care less about people than He does about nature? Of course we all know the anwser is no... but I am really tempted to ask when I can see a flower spring up from concrete but see nothing in the lives of people around me. Maybe see nothing is more of an extreme statement... maybe I should ask, why not today? What does He not interfere today and free him to run and be a child again? Why not today?
I am too impatient. I already know this. The real issue I found is that I don't really believe God cares. Of course I believe He cares about nature, about flowers, about birds, even about hair on our head... but does He really care about me? I know He cares about you, thats easy for me to say and back up... but I'm finding I really do at the core of my heart doubt... it must be everybody but me. Or everybody but me and my brother... or whoever else is on my heart that week.
Does He really care about me? Have my eyes become dull? The things I once so firmly believed I now find myself questioning. Dont worry though... I already know what He's doing. I must step back and question again so that I can step forward. He's stripping me down here in LA to reveal my true core. And its not pretty.
Of course I believe He's the king.. but what is a king who doesn't really care? He is nothing but another one of the billariares that live on Hollywood hill in huge mansions w/large gates to keep what they have to themselves.
Just save my brother please.
He got so weighed down so quickly. He carries burdens that a boy should not yet have to experience. He knows things that kill his innocence and he only longs to know more... how I wish I could save him from what he now must endure to become a man.
So today I made up my mind to pray for him... but I found myself struggling to find words. What could I say to God to possibly make Him move? What hasn't already been said by me, my mother, and the few others that see past behaviors and rules to his heart?
I went for a walk and saw a flower. Actually I see flowers everywhere b/c here they grow so easily... roses, birds of paradise... these are things that people grow easily in their front yard. When I see the simple beauty found in nature, I know, without a doubt, that He cares about the smallest details, that He's involved. So why is it so much harder to see it in people's lives? Does He care less about people than He does about nature? Of course we all know the anwser is no... but I am really tempted to ask when I can see a flower spring up from concrete but see nothing in the lives of people around me. Maybe see nothing is more of an extreme statement... maybe I should ask, why not today? What does He not interfere today and free him to run and be a child again? Why not today?
I am too impatient. I already know this. The real issue I found is that I don't really believe God cares. Of course I believe He cares about nature, about flowers, about birds, even about hair on our head... but does He really care about me? I know He cares about you, thats easy for me to say and back up... but I'm finding I really do at the core of my heart doubt... it must be everybody but me. Or everybody but me and my brother... or whoever else is on my heart that week.
Does He really care about me? Have my eyes become dull? The things I once so firmly believed I now find myself questioning. Dont worry though... I already know what He's doing. I must step back and question again so that I can step forward. He's stripping me down here in LA to reveal my true core. And its not pretty.
Of course I believe He's the king.. but what is a king who doesn't really care? He is nothing but another one of the billariares that live on Hollywood hill in huge mansions w/large gates to keep what they have to themselves.
Just save my brother please.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The People I've Met
So I've been meaning to update you all for so long now... but I've had an aversion to the email lately... meaning I just seem to not be using it like I used to. I mean I check it constantly... its the response part that seems to be killing me- maybe b/c I still, although its been 91 days since I first started my job, am struggling to balance my time between keeping up w/people, Kevin, meeting new people... This full time thing is going to take quite awhile to fully enjoy... five years of college is hard to hard to walk away from w/ a blank slate. I loved the freedom and independence of studio my last year of college... the random slots of free time to meet up w/somebody or hang out online...
LA is the lonely city. So many people, so alone. You know how you can stand in a crowd and still feel alone... well thats LA. You can see it in their eyes, in the way they act... how do I break thru their walls... how do I invite them to share their lives w/each other? How do you do that when the people you meet can live anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half away and still be in the same city? ahhhhhhh. Since I recently took a strengthfinders test, I found out that one of my top strengths is relator... which basically means I need close friendships... I value honesty, and am willing to take risks to really get to know somebody. So it makes sense why I would struggle here... my relator aspect is in slow motion and I burn w/impatience and eagerness nearly every day.
But... what I really wanted to tell you about is that He is moving over here... bringing people into our lives slowly... and I wanted to tell you about a few. First of all, Jiwon... the women that works right next to me, is from Korea. She came over here to get her masters and work for awhile. She is engaged to be married next summer, so we have fun talking about that and the difference btwn our weddings. She is so kind and hardworking... in fact she is so diligent and focused it makes me feel so lazy. I really enjoy working next to her... and hope to get to hang out w/her some more outside of work but its been really hard to find a good time for us both (so far).
Then there is Erin... another girl at work. I don't get to see her as much b/c her desk is in another part of the office... but she is near my age- just graduating in May from USC. She loves to play poker so we try to have poker nights at our apt to have her over. Its been good to hear her story... I don't think she really knows how unique she is and what beauty she can share.
Then there is Cheyne... another interiors person that works for HOK (a HUGE firm that is also in KC). We were sorta setup through some architect. But... we've been trying to hang out w/ her and her husband as much as we can. Her husband is a student at a school down here... so we can easily relate w/working and student husbands. Her firm is working her hard... even on weekends too... so I hope she doesn't get too worn out!
And the last one, and a new addition, is Ashley. I just met her Saturday. We were actually set up by one of my bosses, Susan, who saw that we both played soccer and so she gave us each others email addresses and we took it from there. Ashley went to Boston College but came back to LA to live here after graduation. She has a lot of friends from high school around and she plays soccer constantly to keep her busy. She was really fun to meet w/ and I'm hoping to get to hang out w/ her some more... although it will be harder b/c our paths will cross less than we'd like.
Okay just kidding... there is one more... Pierre. He works w/me... actually sits right next to me. He's French, but he graduated from college in Flordia and then came here. He is my age and is a fun guy (meaning he is one of the few at my work that actually likes to talk and laugh). Its fun... sometimes interesting b/c I've haven't had any guy friends for awhile and I feel like he must know Kevin. The other night he came over to play poker w/us and it was fun- guess what? I won! haha. I suck but nobody can tell when I'm bluffing or not.. this is the second time in a row!
Thats it... I really wanted to tell you about these people b/c they are the ones that are on my mind the most, the ones that I really hope to become friends with, the people that I pray for whenever I can. I was also wondering if you would pray for them too... if it weighs your heart at all (if not thats totally okay).
And I am off to go see a movie!
LA is the lonely city. So many people, so alone. You know how you can stand in a crowd and still feel alone... well thats LA. You can see it in their eyes, in the way they act... how do I break thru their walls... how do I invite them to share their lives w/each other? How do you do that when the people you meet can live anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half away and still be in the same city? ahhhhhhh. Since I recently took a strengthfinders test, I found out that one of my top strengths is relator... which basically means I need close friendships... I value honesty, and am willing to take risks to really get to know somebody. So it makes sense why I would struggle here... my relator aspect is in slow motion and I burn w/impatience and eagerness nearly every day.
But... what I really wanted to tell you about is that He is moving over here... bringing people into our lives slowly... and I wanted to tell you about a few. First of all, Jiwon... the women that works right next to me, is from Korea. She came over here to get her masters and work for awhile. She is engaged to be married next summer, so we have fun talking about that and the difference btwn our weddings. She is so kind and hardworking... in fact she is so diligent and focused it makes me feel so lazy. I really enjoy working next to her... and hope to get to hang out w/her some more outside of work but its been really hard to find a good time for us both (so far).
Then there is Erin... another girl at work. I don't get to see her as much b/c her desk is in another part of the office... but she is near my age- just graduating in May from USC. She loves to play poker so we try to have poker nights at our apt to have her over. Its been good to hear her story... I don't think she really knows how unique she is and what beauty she can share.
Then there is Cheyne... another interiors person that works for HOK (a HUGE firm that is also in KC). We were sorta setup through some architect. But... we've been trying to hang out w/ her and her husband as much as we can. Her husband is a student at a school down here... so we can easily relate w/working and student husbands. Her firm is working her hard... even on weekends too... so I hope she doesn't get too worn out!
And the last one, and a new addition, is Ashley. I just met her Saturday. We were actually set up by one of my bosses, Susan, who saw that we both played soccer and so she gave us each others email addresses and we took it from there. Ashley went to Boston College but came back to LA to live here after graduation. She has a lot of friends from high school around and she plays soccer constantly to keep her busy. She was really fun to meet w/ and I'm hoping to get to hang out w/ her some more... although it will be harder b/c our paths will cross less than we'd like.
Okay just kidding... there is one more... Pierre. He works w/me... actually sits right next to me. He's French, but he graduated from college in Flordia and then came here. He is my age and is a fun guy (meaning he is one of the few at my work that actually likes to talk and laugh). Its fun... sometimes interesting b/c I've haven't had any guy friends for awhile and I feel like he must know Kevin. The other night he came over to play poker w/us and it was fun- guess what? I won! haha. I suck but nobody can tell when I'm bluffing or not.. this is the second time in a row!
Thats it... I really wanted to tell you about these people b/c they are the ones that are on my mind the most, the ones that I really hope to become friends with, the people that I pray for whenever I can. I was also wondering if you would pray for them too... if it weighs your heart at all (if not thats totally okay).
And I am off to go see a movie!
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