Have my eyes become dull?

Today is my brothers birthday. Normally you would find me so excited at even the mention of his name... but today I am a little discouraged. I feel like he is going through so many battles right now... and all I can do is watch, if even that, from the hundreds of miles that seperate us. The other day at our apartment I was going thru a box... yes we still have some boxes left to unpack... and I found a picture of him. His football picture from a few years ago. His face was so innocent. You could still see the child in him. If only people stayed that way, still somewhat childlike. You see a random child run by with his friend trailing behind and it always brings a smile to your face. Where is that child when he grows into a man? The child that brings instant joy into the hearts of others when they see him? Where is that sense of freedom that children have even when they don't understand?

He got so weighed down so quickly. He carries burdens that a boy should not yet have to experience. He knows things that kill his innocence and he only longs to know more... how I wish I could save him from what he now must endure to become a man.

So today I made up my mind to pray for him... but I found myself struggling to find words. What could I say to God to possibly make Him move? What hasn't already been said by me, my mother, and the few others that see past behaviors and rules to his heart?

I went for a walk and saw a flower. Actually I see flowers everywhere b/c here they grow so easily... roses, birds of paradise... these are things that people grow easily in their front yard. When I see the simple beauty found in nature, I know, without a doubt, that He cares about the smallest details, that He's involved. So why is it so much harder to see it in people's lives? Does He care less about people than He does about nature? Of course we all know the anwser is no... but I am really tempted to ask when I can see a flower spring up from concrete but see nothing in the lives of people around me. Maybe see nothing is more of an extreme statement... maybe I should ask, why not today? What does He not interfere today and free him to run and be a child again? Why not today?

I am too impatient. I already know this. The real issue I found is that I don't really believe God cares. Of course I believe He cares about nature, about flowers, about birds, even about hair on our head... but does He really care about me? I know He cares about you, thats easy for me to say and back up... but I'm finding I really do at the core of my heart doubt... it must be everybody but me. Or everybody but me and my brother... or whoever else is on my heart that week.

Does He really care about me? Have my eyes become dull? The things I once so firmly believed I now find myself questioning. Dont worry though... I already know what He's doing. I must step back and question again so that I can step forward. He's stripping me down here in LA to reveal my true core. And its not pretty.

Of course I believe He's the king.. but what is a king who doesn't really care? He is nothing but another one of the billariares that live on Hollywood hill in huge mansions w/large gates to keep what they have to themselves.

Just save my brother please.