Sunday, November 26, 2006
Tattoo
Lately I’ve been really interested in getting a tattoo. Kevin said I could get one if I still wanted one in a year… unfortunately I don’t remember when the year started so we’ll just have to give an intelligent estimate of maybe six months ago… so six more months to go.
The reasons why:
1- I’ve always been fascinated by them… or curious I should say…
2- I think they provoke awesome conversations… What an easy way to get to know somebody by the story behind their tattoos. Imagine what you could freely tell somebody just because they asked about something as simple and common as a tattoo.
3- They are unique… the way to mark your body because it is different, because you have something to say, because your story is important and worth sharing
4- I’ve always felt like my “outside” doesn’t always match my “inside”. I look like a nice, quiet, shy, simple girl and to be honest, I really don’t feel that way and would like people to know- hey- I have a feisty spirit too!
So I finally found something “tattoo worthy” and I have to admit, it was very difficult to find. I’ve been searching for months for what the tattoo would be and finally have an idea.
Beads of Water. I’d tattoo a few on the inside of my wrist- that way they can easily be hidden by a watch or bracelet or easily revealed. Why water beads? Because I’ve always been fascinated by water. It has come to represent peace to me. Whenever I’m around bodies of water, I feel as though I can never leave. The way waves gently ripple thru a lake, or crazily wash over each other in the sea, capture my gaze and hold my heart. When I watch the water, I finally feel completely still… time seems to slow and I can feel myself just breathing. It’s okay to be still and just breathe.
Sometimes we get to experience water in very concrete ways- such as when we visit a lake or spend the day at the beach. Other times, when our lives are busy, we have to suffice with our neighbor’s sprinkler system or beads of water on a leaf. And… at still other times, when life feels as dry as a dessert, we just have to believe that even though we may not see it… it’s in us. It’s a part of us. Literally- water makes up like 60% of your body (or something- I don’t care to be exact right now.)
I say peace, but maybe that’s just what love feels like. Water beads- love- they do exist. I’d like to remind myself and get to tell everybody else thru a tattoo. I guess we’ll see in six months. :)
The reasons why:
1- I’ve always been fascinated by them… or curious I should say…
2- I think they provoke awesome conversations… What an easy way to get to know somebody by the story behind their tattoos. Imagine what you could freely tell somebody just because they asked about something as simple and common as a tattoo.
3- They are unique… the way to mark your body because it is different, because you have something to say, because your story is important and worth sharing
4- I’ve always felt like my “outside” doesn’t always match my “inside”. I look like a nice, quiet, shy, simple girl and to be honest, I really don’t feel that way and would like people to know- hey- I have a feisty spirit too!
So I finally found something “tattoo worthy” and I have to admit, it was very difficult to find. I’ve been searching for months for what the tattoo would be and finally have an idea.
Beads of Water. I’d tattoo a few on the inside of my wrist- that way they can easily be hidden by a watch or bracelet or easily revealed. Why water beads? Because I’ve always been fascinated by water. It has come to represent peace to me. Whenever I’m around bodies of water, I feel as though I can never leave. The way waves gently ripple thru a lake, or crazily wash over each other in the sea, capture my gaze and hold my heart. When I watch the water, I finally feel completely still… time seems to slow and I can feel myself just breathing. It’s okay to be still and just breathe.
Sometimes we get to experience water in very concrete ways- such as when we visit a lake or spend the day at the beach. Other times, when our lives are busy, we have to suffice with our neighbor’s sprinkler system or beads of water on a leaf. And… at still other times, when life feels as dry as a dessert, we just have to believe that even though we may not see it… it’s in us. It’s a part of us. Literally- water makes up like 60% of your body (or something- I don’t care to be exact right now.)
I say peace, but maybe that’s just what love feels like. Water beads- love- they do exist. I’d like to remind myself and get to tell everybody else thru a tattoo. I guess we’ll see in six months. :)
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Dull Moment?
Even though lately I’ve felt “stuck” in life… there are so many moments life surprises me and I remember that even though my life feels slow- the world around me is definitely still moving… the Spirit is moving- even in the moments when I can’t feel it.
The bus ride home: sometimes I feel strangely loved by the strangeness I encounter while experiencing the public transportation system of Los Angeles. I really do believe that God has a great sense of humor… and though there is a fine line between mockery and simple enjoyment, there are moments in life where you just have to- you just got to- laugh.
Friday night. I’m reading a book called “How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization.” The book is surprisingly violent as it describes the history of soccer fan hooligans and the culture they reflect. It leaves a strange feeling in my soul every time I set the book down to look out the bus window- making sure I didn’t miss my stop. But I keep reading- looking for glimpses of hope- for a window into the soul of humanity. I haven’t found it yet- I don’t understand the strange love of violence that captivates man around the world.
The time flies by as I read… thirty minutes, forty-five, and sixty… and I’m finally on my last bus home. Twenty more minutes to go. I set my book back in my bag and look up- finally recognizing the people around me. I can’t ignore the smell- the smell of humans- humans who haven’t showered in a very very long time. I look for the homeless person but none of the people sitting around me seem to fit that profile.
There are four people on the bus that stand out to me. One… an Arab looking man, very round- he even has huge round glasses- he wears all grey, shorts that almost hide beneath his belly- and he seems uncomfortable. I can’t help but think to myself- this man really seems out of place. I wonder what he’s up to and where he’s going… but I am not about to ask.
Two and Three- a homeless couple. Yes I know earlier I said that I didn’t see any, but this couple just stepped onto the bus, a few stops after I did. Such a rare sight- a homeless couple. They were so cute- the woman hanging onto the arm of the man- they looked out for each other. He carried the sleeping bag while she carried the rest. I wondered about them too… where will they sleep tonight?
And lastly- a man gets onto the bus… dressed in a suit- sort of. He has a button up shirt and a tie on… but the tie is irrelevant to the shirt- and tied loosely around his neck. He carries a binder of loose paper and a huge homemade poster that reads “Election Fake Treachery”. The strangest part is… throughout the entire twenty minute ride through the Hollywood Hills, this man breaks out in sprits of silent laughter. I look up to see his body shaking and a huge smile on his face… but at what? Its dark outside- I can barely make out the buildings we pass- but yet he breaks out in another set- he chuckles to himself- no he’s not using a hidden cell phone piece either. And he avoids eye contact with everybody on the bus- just minding his own business, laughing to the voices he hears in his head. His silent laugher becomes more frequent as we near the final stop- Ventura and Laurel Canyon. And I realize he’s about to join the usual Friday protest.
Every single Friday night, a group gathers at this intersection- a block from our apartment- to petition the war. They hold signs that say “honk for peace” and “we hate bush”- okay maybe not those words specifically, but you get the point. I have to walk straight through them to get to the other side of the street so I get to see them up close- a man strumming his guitar, candles to reminisce the memory of those in Iraq, pamphlets set up on a table in case a curious lad does walk by…
The best part though- is the Republicans that sit on the opposite side of the street. They are always outnumbered- three Republicans to maybe thirty Dems… and there is an enforced rule- they must stay on their own side of the street. The Dems to the North- the Reps to the South. I’ve seen cops enforce the rule by parking their patrol car to the side and blaring a horn and flashing their car lights every time one of them enters the crosswalk. Tonight though, there are no cops, so they test the limits, although only to a certain point. When the traffic light flashes the white “walk” sign, one Dem heads out to meet one Rep… they stop in the center of the road and whisper threats and accusations at one another, holding their signs high above their heads- looking at the surrounding cars for support, and then just barely making it back to their post before the light changes again.
It’s amazing. I laugh to myself as I walk to meet Kevin at the grocery store. Another boring day at work- but never a boring moment in Los Angeles.
The bus ride home: sometimes I feel strangely loved by the strangeness I encounter while experiencing the public transportation system of Los Angeles. I really do believe that God has a great sense of humor… and though there is a fine line between mockery and simple enjoyment, there are moments in life where you just have to- you just got to- laugh.
Friday night. I’m reading a book called “How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization.” The book is surprisingly violent as it describes the history of soccer fan hooligans and the culture they reflect. It leaves a strange feeling in my soul every time I set the book down to look out the bus window- making sure I didn’t miss my stop. But I keep reading- looking for glimpses of hope- for a window into the soul of humanity. I haven’t found it yet- I don’t understand the strange love of violence that captivates man around the world.
The time flies by as I read… thirty minutes, forty-five, and sixty… and I’m finally on my last bus home. Twenty more minutes to go. I set my book back in my bag and look up- finally recognizing the people around me. I can’t ignore the smell- the smell of humans- humans who haven’t showered in a very very long time. I look for the homeless person but none of the people sitting around me seem to fit that profile.
There are four people on the bus that stand out to me. One… an Arab looking man, very round- he even has huge round glasses- he wears all grey, shorts that almost hide beneath his belly- and he seems uncomfortable. I can’t help but think to myself- this man really seems out of place. I wonder what he’s up to and where he’s going… but I am not about to ask.
Two and Three- a homeless couple. Yes I know earlier I said that I didn’t see any, but this couple just stepped onto the bus, a few stops after I did. Such a rare sight- a homeless couple. They were so cute- the woman hanging onto the arm of the man- they looked out for each other. He carried the sleeping bag while she carried the rest. I wondered about them too… where will they sleep tonight?
And lastly- a man gets onto the bus… dressed in a suit- sort of. He has a button up shirt and a tie on… but the tie is irrelevant to the shirt- and tied loosely around his neck. He carries a binder of loose paper and a huge homemade poster that reads “Election Fake Treachery”. The strangest part is… throughout the entire twenty minute ride through the Hollywood Hills, this man breaks out in sprits of silent laughter. I look up to see his body shaking and a huge smile on his face… but at what? Its dark outside- I can barely make out the buildings we pass- but yet he breaks out in another set- he chuckles to himself- no he’s not using a hidden cell phone piece either. And he avoids eye contact with everybody on the bus- just minding his own business, laughing to the voices he hears in his head. His silent laugher becomes more frequent as we near the final stop- Ventura and Laurel Canyon. And I realize he’s about to join the usual Friday protest.
Every single Friday night, a group gathers at this intersection- a block from our apartment- to petition the war. They hold signs that say “honk for peace” and “we hate bush”- okay maybe not those words specifically, but you get the point. I have to walk straight through them to get to the other side of the street so I get to see them up close- a man strumming his guitar, candles to reminisce the memory of those in Iraq, pamphlets set up on a table in case a curious lad does walk by…
The best part though- is the Republicans that sit on the opposite side of the street. They are always outnumbered- three Republicans to maybe thirty Dems… and there is an enforced rule- they must stay on their own side of the street. The Dems to the North- the Reps to the South. I’ve seen cops enforce the rule by parking their patrol car to the side and blaring a horn and flashing their car lights every time one of them enters the crosswalk. Tonight though, there are no cops, so they test the limits, although only to a certain point. When the traffic light flashes the white “walk” sign, one Dem heads out to meet one Rep… they stop in the center of the road and whisper threats and accusations at one another, holding their signs high above their heads- looking at the surrounding cars for support, and then just barely making it back to their post before the light changes again.
It’s amazing. I laugh to myself as I walk to meet Kevin at the grocery store. Another boring day at work- but never a boring moment in Los Angeles.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Day of Remembrance
Three main things: college life, cabbage patch dolls, star crunches.
Sunday we had the usual Mosaic activities, and then afterwards Kevin and I headed down to Santa Monica to hang out with a group of college students from Pepperdine University (located in Malibu). We got Johhny's New York Pizza and then headed up to Malibu to get some coffee, play Apples to Apples, and visit the dorm/apartment of some of the students. It was so much fun to get to meet all of them... they were so friendly- inviting us in to their lives. I remembered how fun it was to be in college, to live with four women, and most importantly the way that "time" feels so different. This one is too hard for me to explain right now I think... lets just say I remembered nights that never have to end, friends that never have to leave, homework that always gets done even if you procrastinate.
On the way home we stopped by Target and I saw Cabbage Patch Dolls... I haven't seen those in years! I stopped in the aisle and walked over and said, "They still sell those?" and as I turned around another lady had stopped behind me, astonished as well. They even had hair made of yarn! I missed them so much I was tempted to buy one just for the sake of good memories... I remember in elementary school when my friends and I would hide them in our backpacks at school b/c we were embarrassed that we still played with dolls... yet we still loved them so much!
When I was 18 I worked at Cracker Barrel for a month or so (my typical length of employment for that time frame) and the kitchen staff used to call me "the cabbage patch girl" b/c my eyes are close together just like theirs. I hope they keep those dolls around at Target!
Lastly, Kevin and I found star crunch snacks! We used to eat thesein high school after lunch. I ate one star crunch EVERY DAY my junior year of high school until one day I suddenly got really grossed out (for reasons I still can't explain) and couldn't eat another one. We've been checking local grocery store isles for them recently so we were excited.
It was a great day.
Sunday we had the usual Mosaic activities, and then afterwards Kevin and I headed down to Santa Monica to hang out with a group of college students from Pepperdine University (located in Malibu). We got Johhny's New York Pizza and then headed up to Malibu to get some coffee, play Apples to Apples, and visit the dorm/apartment of some of the students. It was so much fun to get to meet all of them... they were so friendly- inviting us in to their lives. I remembered how fun it was to be in college, to live with four women, and most importantly the way that "time" feels so different. This one is too hard for me to explain right now I think... lets just say I remembered nights that never have to end, friends that never have to leave, homework that always gets done even if you procrastinate.
On the way home we stopped by Target and I saw Cabbage Patch Dolls... I haven't seen those in years! I stopped in the aisle and walked over and said, "They still sell those?" and as I turned around another lady had stopped behind me, astonished as well. They even had hair made of yarn! I missed them so much I was tempted to buy one just for the sake of good memories... I remember in elementary school when my friends and I would hide them in our backpacks at school b/c we were embarrassed that we still played with dolls... yet we still loved them so much!
When I was 18 I worked at Cracker Barrel for a month or so (my typical length of employment for that time frame) and the kitchen staff used to call me "the cabbage patch girl" b/c my eyes are close together just like theirs. I hope they keep those dolls around at Target!
Lastly, Kevin and I found star crunch snacks! We used to eat thesein high school after lunch. I ate one star crunch EVERY DAY my junior year of high school until one day I suddenly got really grossed out (for reasons I still can't explain) and couldn't eat another one. We've been checking local grocery store isles for them recently so we were excited.
It was a great day.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Rambling: City of Dreams
From my perspective, that’s what LA seems to be… the City of Dreams. Reality is what you make of it.
You can live downtown in a high rise loft and be an ambitious business professional. You can live in the rundown back neighborhoods of Hollywood, taking acting classes at night while working the morning shift at Starbucks. You can live at Venice Beach, hang peace signs throughout your apartment, beg for money to smoke pot in your spare time, and surf all morning while the waves are high. You can live in the trendy Westside, where all the designers seem to work and live and while you sit in traffic- you can window shop from the countless showrooms and furniture/Italian kitchen stores you will slowly pass by. You can live downtown, or on the eastside, and attend a fashion design school while searching thru the warehouse district for hidden treasures. You can live just north of the city, where the families seem to gather, find a small house for around half a million dollars, and walk your children to school in the morning before heading out to work. You can be a tri-millionaire (is that even a word?) and live in Beverly Hills and spend as much money on your front lawn as you do on your car - because the landscaping is just as important to maintain as the rest of the material goods.
You can… do whatever you want.
At Mosaic they recently did a quick interview of random people they encountered on the street, asking them how much control they had over their future. Almost all of the people responded by saying they had a lot of control- all they had to do was make good decisions and choices today. And Erwin himself frequently says the most spiritual thing you can do is... choose.
Choose your dream. And then live it.
Raised in a more traditional church culture, I was raised to be “weary” of dreaming too big. You might hope for too much. (Or maybe I just told myself that.) As if it is only God’s job to dream of the future, and yours to just accept today. Or… if you are a big dreamer, you are too proud and need a more humble view of life. I think that’s the one that got to me the most. Somehow dreams got muddled in with pride so I found them impossible to separate. But… this City of Dreams makes me wonder, do I dare to dream? What am I willing to risk to find the life I was created for? I think I’ve found that it’s not a desire to be humble that kept my dreams small, but a lack of courage.
I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this. It just came up today as I wondered again about the future- as Kevin and I try to decide where we might be headed to next, this upcoming summer. I have to admit I feel so overwhelmed… there are too many options for me. But I also thought of an option for myself… usually I let Kevin do all the dreaming and then put it upon myself to just be the one who just focuses on making them come true… but today I had my own dream and so for what its worth, here it is: My new idea of the week:
It is quite simple really. I created such a huge intro that you all think this is amazing… so the reality of how small it is, is slightly embarrassing, but I’ve got to start somewhere. I want to teach. I want to be a college professor. Teach what? I have no idea; I think that’s why I have to go to huge cities like LA and maybe New York, or maybe San Francisco to find out. But that’s what I want to do. And since my parents are considering moving back to Denver in a few years, I’ve started to wonder if someday I’d go back too. I could teach at the University of Colorado, teach something, and it would be fun b/c Boulder is known for being crazy and liberal and natural/freedom loving so I’d fit right in. (Although I’m not fully any of those things, I’m just drawn to them strongly.) And if we ever do have children, my parents would be somewhere around so that they would get to know our kids and so they’d never be too far away (aka: So I could send my kids to them all the time)… countercultural from today’s “go out and leave your family b/c the world offers more” ideas. (And by my sudden anxiety about having kids in a huge city with nobody you know or trust around to help…. And we are nowhere close to having kids, but I got to keep including them b/c I’m afraid life will go by too fast and I’ll forget.) And… it’s the city, the state rather, that I grew up in. How fun to go out and live all these other places to return to where it all began for you. (Yes I know I was born, technically, in Wyoming, but… we moved to Denver soon after and so I don’t really count that.)
That’s my rambling for today.
You can live downtown in a high rise loft and be an ambitious business professional. You can live in the rundown back neighborhoods of Hollywood, taking acting classes at night while working the morning shift at Starbucks. You can live at Venice Beach, hang peace signs throughout your apartment, beg for money to smoke pot in your spare time, and surf all morning while the waves are high. You can live in the trendy Westside, where all the designers seem to work and live and while you sit in traffic- you can window shop from the countless showrooms and furniture/Italian kitchen stores you will slowly pass by. You can live downtown, or on the eastside, and attend a fashion design school while searching thru the warehouse district for hidden treasures. You can live just north of the city, where the families seem to gather, find a small house for around half a million dollars, and walk your children to school in the morning before heading out to work. You can be a tri-millionaire (is that even a word?) and live in Beverly Hills and spend as much money on your front lawn as you do on your car - because the landscaping is just as important to maintain as the rest of the material goods.
You can… do whatever you want.
At Mosaic they recently did a quick interview of random people they encountered on the street, asking them how much control they had over their future. Almost all of the people responded by saying they had a lot of control- all they had to do was make good decisions and choices today. And Erwin himself frequently says the most spiritual thing you can do is... choose.
Choose your dream. And then live it.
Raised in a more traditional church culture, I was raised to be “weary” of dreaming too big. You might hope for too much. (Or maybe I just told myself that.) As if it is only God’s job to dream of the future, and yours to just accept today. Or… if you are a big dreamer, you are too proud and need a more humble view of life. I think that’s the one that got to me the most. Somehow dreams got muddled in with pride so I found them impossible to separate. But… this City of Dreams makes me wonder, do I dare to dream? What am I willing to risk to find the life I was created for? I think I’ve found that it’s not a desire to be humble that kept my dreams small, but a lack of courage.
I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this. It just came up today as I wondered again about the future- as Kevin and I try to decide where we might be headed to next, this upcoming summer. I have to admit I feel so overwhelmed… there are too many options for me. But I also thought of an option for myself… usually I let Kevin do all the dreaming and then put it upon myself to just be the one who just focuses on making them come true… but today I had my own dream and so for what its worth, here it is: My new idea of the week:
It is quite simple really. I created such a huge intro that you all think this is amazing… so the reality of how small it is, is slightly embarrassing, but I’ve got to start somewhere. I want to teach. I want to be a college professor. Teach what? I have no idea; I think that’s why I have to go to huge cities like LA and maybe New York, or maybe San Francisco to find out. But that’s what I want to do. And since my parents are considering moving back to Denver in a few years, I’ve started to wonder if someday I’d go back too. I could teach at the University of Colorado, teach something, and it would be fun b/c Boulder is known for being crazy and liberal and natural/freedom loving so I’d fit right in. (Although I’m not fully any of those things, I’m just drawn to them strongly.) And if we ever do have children, my parents would be somewhere around so that they would get to know our kids and so they’d never be too far away (aka: So I could send my kids to them all the time)… countercultural from today’s “go out and leave your family b/c the world offers more” ideas. (And by my sudden anxiety about having kids in a huge city with nobody you know or trust around to help…. And we are nowhere close to having kids, but I got to keep including them b/c I’m afraid life will go by too fast and I’ll forget.) And… it’s the city, the state rather, that I grew up in. How fun to go out and live all these other places to return to where it all began for you. (Yes I know I was born, technically, in Wyoming, but… we moved to Denver soon after and so I don’t really count that.)
That’s my rambling for today.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
South Bay Sports
Well... here we all are. This is my Santa Monica soccer team that I've played on since January (ten whole months). Its basically a year round league, although there are three seasons, they follow each other so closely, you are lucky if you get one week off. We play every Sunday afternoon, 18 blocks from the Pacific Ocean.
Last season, we won the Championships. Aparently, its been awhile since they've won one... since they have been playing together for years... they said the last time they won was maybe five years ago. Wow. Well... all that matters is that they DID win. I play for a championship team, even if that means every five years :)
My team is so fun and so LA and thats why I wanted to blog about it. I wanted to tell you about my teammates. Lets see... one is an avid reptile fan- he raises them in his backyard and takes them to huge "reptile rallies" around the state/country to sell/display. No joke. Another's job is to test drive Jeeps and test their "rolling" ability... to see how much they roll in crashes. He says Jeeps suck and roll the most of any SUV. Good to know, I guess. Another guy has lived in LA his whole life and is a pool boy. No pun intended, or maybe one is, but this pool guy could cast perfectly for the next American Pie movie. Another guy, originally from France, had a dream to write a book about world soccer- and so thats what he did. He spent years, every cent he had, and traveled the world interviewing every soccer team on the globe... and published a book. He is working on his revision now, in French. One of the women works for a non-profit organization that raises money and awareness for autism. Their next fundraising event, this weekend, is a Hollywood Premiere screening of the movie "El Cortez" starring Lou Diamond Phillips, with a VIP party following that includes free food and drinks and meeting the actors. And lastly, another one of the guys, is studying acupuncture and recently sent out an email asking if anybody would volunteer to be his dummy so he could try out his new techniques. The ones I didn't mention, I just don't know enough about yet.
Some info about me on this team: I am the youngest, the only one married, the only one from Kansas, and the only one that the team likes to call by my full name "nikki knox". Not just "nikki", not just "knox"... they love my name and say it all, with a laugh. Maybe I should be concerned about this?
Last Sunday was the last game of this season, and we've won all of our games except one. I have to admit, I've had a crappy season. I am just not playing well- can't get my head into the game. I've been so frustrated and sorta embarrassed, that I've thought about quitting, but... this team is just too crazy and fun to leave. Last week I played much better- but I really think its because our opponents were a team of "bar dancers" (no kidding!) that decided to form a soccer team, and then pass out little flyers with glamor shots of them, inviting people to come out and support them, or come by the bar. So today I have bruises all over the arms and legs... I thought to myself "what do models know about soccer" and learned real quick- they know how to throw those elbows, thats for sure. My arms prove it. I got into a fiesty match with a few, but we pulled through with minor injuries :)
Friday, September 29, 2006
Expected Release Date: Summer 2007
The latest fall fashion for the LA Knox Fam: NYC. This is Kevin's idea for the fall. The summer... was San Fran, but as the seasons change, so do our plans and I wanted to keep you all up to date with the latest. He's so excited he even bought a plane ticket for November, just after Thanksgiving, to check out the city, meet some church planters and go to a Mosaic conference. I have to admit... I'm still a fan of San Fran. But... we'll see where the Spirit leads. "The wind blows whereve it pleases. You hear its sound, but you don't know where it is going or where it came from. So it is with everyone who is of the Spirit." John 3:8
Monday, September 25, 2006
cavity
I went to the dentist for the first time in almost two years this weekend. And I remembered why its been two years since my last visit. I've had several oral surgeries on my mouth since the time I was 13 and I have to admit... I am just sick and tired of doctors poking around in my mouth. It's a "lose lose" situation you see... b/c no matter how much you do to your teeth to make them "right" something will always go wrong in the future. They age, they weaken, they hurt. I just want one fix up and I'm done. No more of these check ups every six months.
So I have a cavity. The first cavity in my entire life that will require a shot to numb it before they can fix it. I'm scared to death... of the needle. Drilling, no problem, but a needle- we need to talk. I have no pain tolerance when it comes to those things. Kick me in the face with a soccer ball and I'm alright... stick a needle in me and I might faint.
I think the reason I am so dramatic about this is because I am so anal about my teeth- ask Kevin. I brush for mintues at a time, floss every day, try to avoid stuff thats "bad" for them. And I STILL got a cavity. Are you sure cavities aren't genetic? Next Saturday morning will be no fun. Keep me in your thoughts as I endure this endless pain :)
So I have a cavity. The first cavity in my entire life that will require a shot to numb it before they can fix it. I'm scared to death... of the needle. Drilling, no problem, but a needle- we need to talk. I have no pain tolerance when it comes to those things. Kick me in the face with a soccer ball and I'm alright... stick a needle in me and I might faint.
I think the reason I am so dramatic about this is because I am so anal about my teeth- ask Kevin. I brush for mintues at a time, floss every day, try to avoid stuff thats "bad" for them. And I STILL got a cavity. Are you sure cavities aren't genetic? Next Saturday morning will be no fun. Keep me in your thoughts as I endure this endless pain :)
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Fish Eggs and Bracelets
This is from last week… but it is too good to not share. Last week I tried fish eggs. And it was by accident too. LA is FULL of sushi places… and my co-workers love it. Every Friday we “younger” people go out for lunch and they really wanted to try this more authentic Japanese sushi place… so I willingly agreed. I couldn’t find anything on the menu that I could eat (AKA that was cooked) so I finally just pulled the server aside and asked for some simple California rolls. I was confident I would like those. They arrived… covered in tiny bright orange balls. I had no idea what these were so I took one bite of my food and asked a co-worker. She laughed really hard when she saw my face. “Fish eggs… are they always this orange?” Apparently they are… and they are crunchy too… but I just couldn’t get myself to mentally accept this so I didn’t eat another bite. Oh well, it was worth the experience.
Now for the bracelets… this one will take more imagination to understand. I got on the bus last week, somewhat perturbed b/c the bus was a half hour late, to look up and find a man sitting directly across from me. It was no ordinary man. He was tall, with cut off jean shorts, and dreads… and his arms were covered in those huge plastic bracelets… all the way up his arms, past his elbows. They are the kind of bracelets that you give to your kids… huge, plastic, pastel colored… and to top it off he had attached small stuffed animals to them, which hung down from his arms on strings. I so badly wanted to stare but just couldn’t be that rude… so I spent awhile using my cell phone to discreetly take a picture. I still look at it sometimes. I really think this was God’s way of trying to cheer me up b/c I frequently struggle with bad attitudes and traffic. He has quite a sense of humor sometimes.
Now for the bracelets… this one will take more imagination to understand. I got on the bus last week, somewhat perturbed b/c the bus was a half hour late, to look up and find a man sitting directly across from me. It was no ordinary man. He was tall, with cut off jean shorts, and dreads… and his arms were covered in those huge plastic bracelets… all the way up his arms, past his elbows. They are the kind of bracelets that you give to your kids… huge, plastic, pastel colored… and to top it off he had attached small stuffed animals to them, which hung down from his arms on strings. I so badly wanted to stare but just couldn’t be that rude… so I spent awhile using my cell phone to discreetly take a picture. I still look at it sometimes. I really think this was God’s way of trying to cheer me up b/c I frequently struggle with bad attitudes and traffic. He has quite a sense of humor sometimes.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
The Drive to Work
This morning as I stepped outside, the air was unusually crisp... it felt as though a mist covered my skin as I walked, yet there was no rain. (And hasn't been for months now- the usual LA summer.) Something about the weather just before a rain creates a strange feeling of excitement... although the clouds cover the sky in a blanket of gray- I am oddly excited to be outside, on the way to work.
One good thing about at least an hour commute... I get to be outside more :) Today is one of those very rare days in which I get to drive the car so it will shorten my commute a little. To get to my office I have to drive over the Hollywood Hills... and although these hills aren't anything compared to mountains, they are still some massive hills... massive enough that sometimes the weather on one side is different from the weather on the other. We live on the valley side of the hills so it is typically hotter and drier... while the ocean side is always cooler, with a breeze and heavy fog (especially in the mornings). Today it seems the ocean side slid right over the hills... because both sides were the same- cloudy, the air heavy with moisture. For somebody who grew up in Colorado, the Hollywood Hills aren't really that impressive, but today they seemed more alive as though something about the moisture in the air awakened some vitality in them that the dry heat seemed to dull. There is something so comforting about the hills... the bushes and trees... the nature. Its like taking a long sip of a cool refreshing drink, before heading back down into the city. I wish I had time to pull over and just soak it in some more, but I was about to be running late already and the cars behind me are starting to catch up.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Deep Thoughts- be prepared
My hands tremble as I type tonight. I try to control the intensity of the emotions that I feel but the shaking reminds me that some things are just impossible to hide. Today Erwin talked about why God allows suffering... and the explanations that he gave based on multiple stories in the Word and also from his life made the reality of suffering all too real.
I feel it now as I just got finished talking with a dear friend. I love this friend so much, but he seems stuck in a cycle of suffering that quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by its centrifugal strength. I find myself suffering with him as he shares his stories and also as I remember my own past pains. We have all been hurt by those that we love... in fact the deepest hurt seems to come from those we know the best, the ones that we are most close to, the ones that our lives are bound to not by choice, but by blood. And the cycle that we can all easily find ourselves in, grows stronger and stronger and stronger with every breath we take as we continue to blame each other... I believe because we are all too insecure, too shallow, to just focus on the task of being responsible for ourselves- parents, teachers, professionals, coaches, and children, alike. Our judgement is so clouded by our self-righteousness, our justifications, our rationalizations, by our obsession with our "rights"... the cycle quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by these forces.
The number one reason Erwin gave for suffering is this: self-infliction. We are responsible for a lot of the suffering in the world. It is because He gave us the freedom of choice, the freedom of life, the freedom to think and be, that also gives us the freedom to hurt those we love the most. The scary thing is, as my friend shared his stories of hurt by another, I found myself quickly overcome with my own anger towards those who hurt me in a similar fashion... and in my head I screamed at them, and yelled, and as the intensity of my emotions grew... I saw myself lose control and hit them back. I saw myself inflicting on them, what they had inflicted on me. Then I suddenly stopped and asked myself, "would I really do that?" and silence covered my heart as I realized... I really could. I really could be that hurtful and vengeful and angry back. After all, I was justified- I had been hurt and was sick and tired of watching others be hurt the same way. After all, my self-righteousness cries out in my head, "well I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not like you." After all, my rationalization is that if I don't interfere this hurt will continue to spread... and its my "right" to defend and fight against those who inflict pain on others. Right? See... I suddenly entered the cycle myself... and now I'm just sad.
Because the reality of suffering, is that a lot of the time, its self-inflicted. Of course, a huge amount is due to the two others reasons he gave... but today I focus on the reality of the first one. How do we break these cycles that we enter into so easily? What hope is there for change?
There isn't I think- because no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect, we will never be able to avoid hurting those we love, whether intentionally or not. Our thoughts will always be clouded by our own self-centeredness and rationalizations. The only hope we have, I am convinced- is to embrace the humility to acknowledge the reality of this type of suffering, to not pretend we can escape it, to not blame it on others, and to embrace the only hope we have for change... something outside of ourselves, something greater, and most importantly, something that will never falter in love...
God, please change me. Show me anger that doesn't inflict pain on others, show me grace to quickly forgive others, show me love that moves beyond myself into the lives of others- that meets them where they are, show me- share with me, the compassion You have on me, that I might show it freely to others, knowing Your love. Help me, Father, to help those that are also suffering, that they might know peace and love and freedom... Cover us in humility that comes from knowing Your love and that is free from condemnation. Amen.
Download Erwin's complete talk to hear about the other reasons that suffering exists and the role of God in it all.
www.mosaic.org/podcast/
I feel it now as I just got finished talking with a dear friend. I love this friend so much, but he seems stuck in a cycle of suffering that quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by its centrifugal strength. I find myself suffering with him as he shares his stories and also as I remember my own past pains. We have all been hurt by those that we love... in fact the deepest hurt seems to come from those we know the best, the ones that we are most close to, the ones that our lives are bound to not by choice, but by blood. And the cycle that we can all easily find ourselves in, grows stronger and stronger and stronger with every breath we take as we continue to blame each other... I believe because we are all too insecure, too shallow, to just focus on the task of being responsible for ourselves- parents, teachers, professionals, coaches, and children, alike. Our judgement is so clouded by our self-righteousness, our justifications, our rationalizations, by our obsession with our "rights"... the cycle quickly swallows any glimpse of hope by these forces.
The number one reason Erwin gave for suffering is this: self-infliction. We are responsible for a lot of the suffering in the world. It is because He gave us the freedom of choice, the freedom of life, the freedom to think and be, that also gives us the freedom to hurt those we love the most. The scary thing is, as my friend shared his stories of hurt by another, I found myself quickly overcome with my own anger towards those who hurt me in a similar fashion... and in my head I screamed at them, and yelled, and as the intensity of my emotions grew... I saw myself lose control and hit them back. I saw myself inflicting on them, what they had inflicted on me. Then I suddenly stopped and asked myself, "would I really do that?" and silence covered my heart as I realized... I really could. I really could be that hurtful and vengeful and angry back. After all, I was justified- I had been hurt and was sick and tired of watching others be hurt the same way. After all, my self-righteousness cries out in my head, "well I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not like you." After all, my rationalization is that if I don't interfere this hurt will continue to spread... and its my "right" to defend and fight against those who inflict pain on others. Right? See... I suddenly entered the cycle myself... and now I'm just sad.
Because the reality of suffering, is that a lot of the time, its self-inflicted. Of course, a huge amount is due to the two others reasons he gave... but today I focus on the reality of the first one. How do we break these cycles that we enter into so easily? What hope is there for change?
There isn't I think- because no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect, we will never be able to avoid hurting those we love, whether intentionally or not. Our thoughts will always be clouded by our own self-centeredness and rationalizations. The only hope we have, I am convinced- is to embrace the humility to acknowledge the reality of this type of suffering, to not pretend we can escape it, to not blame it on others, and to embrace the only hope we have for change... something outside of ourselves, something greater, and most importantly, something that will never falter in love...
God, please change me. Show me anger that doesn't inflict pain on others, show me grace to quickly forgive others, show me love that moves beyond myself into the lives of others- that meets them where they are, show me- share with me, the compassion You have on me, that I might show it freely to others, knowing Your love. Help me, Father, to help those that are also suffering, that they might know peace and love and freedom... Cover us in humility that comes from knowing Your love and that is free from condemnation. Amen.
Download Erwin's complete talk to hear about the other reasons that suffering exists and the role of God in it all.
www.mosaic.org/podcast/
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Union Rescue Mission
Kevin and I volunteered at the mission on Skid Row during the time lunch was served to the homeless women and childrens group (last Saturday). It was part of a Mosaic "Amos Project" day where they set up various volunteer projects throughout the city and encouraged the church to be pro-active in social affairs thru the story of Amos. Soup kitchens aren't at all new to me though, I used to love to volunteer for them in Kansas City while in high school. I have to admit, KC compared to LA's Skid Row... I was quite intimidated as we approached the shelter through the heavily littered streets of trash, tents, cardboard boxes, tarps, and people sitting as still as statues, their gaze fixed on some distant object only they can see.
There were so many volunteers in the kitchen that I decided to go wander around the tables, where the women and children were eatting. At first I had no idea what to do so I just watched or slowly walked amongst them, offering to pick up their trays when they were done or to get a drink refill. They all seemed so quiet, so tired, that I almost felt like trying to talk would somehow invade the cloud of silence that surrounded them. So I reverted back to an high school move where I would sit a few feet away from a person, seeing if I sensed any openness. I did this three or four times before I realized a lady a few feet away was watching my every move with curious eyes and so I slowly moved towards her.
I started with probably the dumbest opening line, but I had no idea what to say- "so, its pretty hot out there huh?" When she responded yes I sat down in front of her and we began to talk. She told me briefly about where she grew up, her educational background, etc. and then suddenly stopped and said, "are you a Christian"... and then told me all about how she hated Christians and how last night a group of them were walking through the streets signing worship songs at 11pm and how annoyed she was b/c she was trying to sleep... I told her I understood... then the security guards started ushering people out so that the next group of homeless people could come in and so our conversation was cut short.
As she got up to walk away she said with sudden assertiveness, "You are beautiful. You have a beautiful spirit. You are so beautiful." She caught me by complete surprise and all I could do was wave and whisper thanks as she quickly disappeared back onto the street again. I felt so strange after that. Afterall, I had come here to "minister" to them, and somehow, strangely, I felt like she ministered to me. You see, that woman was so beautiful to me, although the weariness of life hung on her every movement, there was something very distinctive about her eyes that drew me in and I wished I could follow her out onto the street, to sit with her, to learn from her life.
I wonder how tired I looked to her that day, b/c I felt the weariness of a busy life hanging on my every movement as well, and I could barely wait to sit down after lunch was over. In that one moment I sat with her, I suddenly felt as though we were somewhat the same. In this material world we live in, with tiredness knocking at our door, whether its because we lack employment and a steady job, or because our lives are too full of employment and an endless list of jobs to do... I almost missed a moment of beauty that day, b/c I was trying too hard to be busy, to serve... That woman, with nothing but a small bag and headphones, and a dragging stride, captured my heart with her honesty about her life and in the generosity of her words.
There were so many volunteers in the kitchen that I decided to go wander around the tables, where the women and children were eatting. At first I had no idea what to do so I just watched or slowly walked amongst them, offering to pick up their trays when they were done or to get a drink refill. They all seemed so quiet, so tired, that I almost felt like trying to talk would somehow invade the cloud of silence that surrounded them. So I reverted back to an high school move where I would sit a few feet away from a person, seeing if I sensed any openness. I did this three or four times before I realized a lady a few feet away was watching my every move with curious eyes and so I slowly moved towards her.
I started with probably the dumbest opening line, but I had no idea what to say- "so, its pretty hot out there huh?" When she responded yes I sat down in front of her and we began to talk. She told me briefly about where she grew up, her educational background, etc. and then suddenly stopped and said, "are you a Christian"... and then told me all about how she hated Christians and how last night a group of them were walking through the streets signing worship songs at 11pm and how annoyed she was b/c she was trying to sleep... I told her I understood... then the security guards started ushering people out so that the next group of homeless people could come in and so our conversation was cut short.
As she got up to walk away she said with sudden assertiveness, "You are beautiful. You have a beautiful spirit. You are so beautiful." She caught me by complete surprise and all I could do was wave and whisper thanks as she quickly disappeared back onto the street again. I felt so strange after that. Afterall, I had come here to "minister" to them, and somehow, strangely, I felt like she ministered to me. You see, that woman was so beautiful to me, although the weariness of life hung on her every movement, there was something very distinctive about her eyes that drew me in and I wished I could follow her out onto the street, to sit with her, to learn from her life.
I wonder how tired I looked to her that day, b/c I felt the weariness of a busy life hanging on my every movement as well, and I could barely wait to sit down after lunch was over. In that one moment I sat with her, I suddenly felt as though we were somewhat the same. In this material world we live in, with tiredness knocking at our door, whether its because we lack employment and a steady job, or because our lives are too full of employment and an endless list of jobs to do... I almost missed a moment of beauty that day, b/c I was trying too hard to be busy, to serve... That woman, with nothing but a small bag and headphones, and a dragging stride, captured my heart with her honesty about her life and in the generosity of her words.
Friday, August 18, 2006
San Francisco: Our Two-Day Vacation
Riding the trolly thru downtown to the fisherman's wharf.
A surprise discovery: we were taking a shortcut thru a plaza and came across a Martin Luther King Jr. memorial. It had the most inspiring and challenging quotes written on the wall. I wish I could have written them all down. I guess San Fran is also famous for all the civil rights movements that took place during King Jr.'s time.
Me at the memorial. (Kristina- I'm using the bag you gave me from New Zealand!)
Kevin at the chocolate factory. San Fran had one of the largest chocolate factorys in the early 1900s. It is now a quant plaza formed around chocolate shops. They had some of the old equipment on display... showing how they made their infamous chocolate fudge syrup.
At Sears... a breakfast restaurant downtown known for its Swedish silver dollar pancakes.
Of course, the Golden Gate Bridge. We rented bikes and rode them from the fisherman's wharf to the bridge, to the bridge park and back... over 20 miles. We were so exhausted afterwards we could barely move, but some Gelado sure helped :)
Looking up. 
At the Golden Gate Bridge park... a flower conservatory.
A surprise discovery: we were taking a shortcut thru a plaza and came across a Martin Luther King Jr. memorial. It had the most inspiring and challenging quotes written on the wall. I wish I could have written them all down. I guess San Fran is also famous for all the civil rights movements that took place during King Jr.'s time.
Me at the memorial. (Kristina- I'm using the bag you gave me from New Zealand!)
Kevin at the chocolate factory. San Fran had one of the largest chocolate factorys in the early 1900s. It is now a quant plaza formed around chocolate shops. They had some of the old equipment on display... showing how they made their infamous chocolate fudge syrup.
At Sears... a breakfast restaurant downtown known for its Swedish silver dollar pancakes.
Of course, the Golden Gate Bridge. We rented bikes and rode them from the fisherman's wharf to the bridge, to the bridge park and back... over 20 miles. We were so exhausted afterwards we could barely move, but some Gelado sure helped :)
Looking up. 
At the Golden Gate Bridge park... a flower conservatory.
And, last but not least, Italian food! I tried pumpkin ravioli... so GOOD! Kevin even tried foods he's probably never even thought of- like crab stuffed tortellini and ham/swiss pizza. I was so proud of him!
We loved San Fran... it reminded me of an American version of Prague- famous bridge, fog always hangs over the water, clay tile roofs, trollys... maybe we'll end up moving here someday :)Sacramento: Knox Family Wedding
Kevin and his father at the reception.
Knox/Howard family picture
Kevin and our nephew Ian. He is so great with kids!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Friday
My brother left yesterday to go back to Kansas City... just when I was getting used to seeing him everyday. So sad. I had to concentrate hard at work to keep the tears from creeping up.
And today... somebody brought brownies into the office... NO GOOD.
Did I mention I miss my brother?
And today... somebody brought brownies into the office... NO GOOD.
Did I mention I miss my brother?
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Birthday Pics
Josh and Kevin starting a fire at our campsite (Leo Carrillo, north of Malibu.)
Me reading my new book (one of my birthday presents) State of Fear... awesome!
Dinner Friday night at the Melting Pot... good experience but way expensive.
Josh and I posing with another one of my birthday gifts, boogie boards.
Kevin and Josh catching a wave together.Thursday, July 20, 2006
Birthday!
Its my birthday tomorrow! I will be 24 years old. That sounds so old to me... Maybe because when I was young I always dreamed of being in my twenties and now that I'm here... It doesn't always seem real. 24, married, in Los Angeles, working for an educational architecture firm. This was so NOT the way I dreamed. I thought I'd be 24, in Chicago, working with inner city renovation projects and urban families, definitely single, punk rockish at heart... haha. Sex in the City last night talked about how it is so easy to see others clearly, but you always feel like you can never really see yourself. How can our opinions of ourselves be so ambiguous and unclear... When we can easily define and understand those around us? I have no idea. Its like me thinking I was fat in high school and then now when I look at pictures, I realize I was not. So much wasted time worrying about fat. I wonder now how much time I worry about things that only appear to be real, but in fact, aren't. Perception can be such a tricky thing. Funny thing is, I still struggle with that fat thing occasionally.
Anyways, to celebrate my 24 years and the life I never dreamed of (but am thankful that I have) we (Kevin, Josh and I) are going camping one night near the beach just north of Malibu. I took off work tomorrow so we can sleep in and then go boogie boarding during the day. (That was one of my birthday presents... Two boogie boards, b/c I can't swim or do anything in that huge, murky, cold ocean by myself so I made Kevin get one too.) Probably the best gift of all though, I must say, is getting to hang out with my brother and my husband. No material thing could ever equal the gift of their presence in my life today.
I'll write more on Monday!
Anyways, to celebrate my 24 years and the life I never dreamed of (but am thankful that I have) we (Kevin, Josh and I) are going camping one night near the beach just north of Malibu. I took off work tomorrow so we can sleep in and then go boogie boarding during the day. (That was one of my birthday presents... Two boogie boards, b/c I can't swim or do anything in that huge, murky, cold ocean by myself so I made Kevin get one too.) Probably the best gift of all though, I must say, is getting to hang out with my brother and my husband. No material thing could ever equal the gift of their presence in my life today.
I'll write more on Monday!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Accident Prone?
Car Accident Duce. #2. This time it was more of a fender bender though so nothing was completely destroyed. I hit a truck in front in me at a stop sign. Boring story- lets just say the sun was blinding and there is never any approaching traffic at this stop, so why would somebody sit at it for awhile? Anyways, the point is that it happened again. My second accident in less than a year. Never had a ticket in my life either. I must be very unlucky, or I’m a horrible driver and don’t know it, or its just part of LA and having a long commute. I always seem to hit the nicest people in this city too because this guy, like the last, said “Don’t worry; this is LA; hope you can still have a good day”. And I’m the one that hit him. Or maybe it’s our Kansas tags… they evoke instant pity.
Regardless, I’m sick and tired of this and never want to drive or buy a dumb car again.
Ps. I’m perfectly fine and Kevin was not even a little bit mad at me. Our only concern is, how the heck are we going to pay for a new hood and maybe bumper and Kevin’s tuition for this fall?
Regardless, I’m sick and tired of this and never want to drive or buy a dumb car again.
Ps. I’m perfectly fine and Kevin was not even a little bit mad at me. Our only concern is, how the heck are we going to pay for a new hood and maybe bumper and Kevin’s tuition for this fall?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Continuously Aware... on accident.
One of my co-workers that sits very near to me (less than 10 feet) loves to say the name of Jesus. She also loves to say God. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, she probably proclaims His name, with quite force and in utter frustration, over 15 times a day… more than I care to count. Today I finally found myself annoyed… can she just stop saying that? I wondered to myself if it would be too “Christianize” or “religious” to ask her to stop. I hate being labeled a “religious person” and that is one act that would definitely put me in that category forever. Its just one of those things I learned growing up in a churched family, not to do. And now its here, right next to me… over and over and over and over again. Really though, I think anything said that many times in a day could get a little annoying.
Then I remembered Erwin McManus talking about being continually aware of His Presence last Sunday… and suddenly I thought, maybe it’s not so bad to be constantly reminded of Him. See God knows I tend to forget about Him, especially if I am sitting in front of a computer for an extended period of time… and so has given me an angel to help me remember… He’s right here too.
That’s my profound thought for today. ;)
Then I remembered Erwin McManus talking about being continually aware of His Presence last Sunday… and suddenly I thought, maybe it’s not so bad to be constantly reminded of Him. See God knows I tend to forget about Him, especially if I am sitting in front of a computer for an extended period of time… and so has given me an angel to help me remember… He’s right here too.
That’s my profound thought for today. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
