Nutella (so good)

I decided to meet with one of the principals of our company to discuss my current thoughts and explore what possible opportunities might be available for me here (since I decided to decline the two job offers of a few weeks ago.) I explained how I felt like I had been struggling to focus and how getting a better idea of what the summer looks like for me here might help me have a vision to focus on. So… in the next few weeks I will start working on a PATH (people assisting the homeless) housing project. I’m not quite sure what that entails but it sounds pretty interesting (and a good break from redlines and educational stuff).

I feel bad b/c I did all that complaining and then ended up staying here (for the time being). I don’t want to be one of those naggy women that complain all the time and do nothing about it. Yuck.

So we’ll see what the next few weeks bring. I just want to work hard and do something I can put my heart into (something I can care about).

That’s it for this Friday. Tonight we go to see that new X-men movie with a few friends of ours and maybe I’ll eat a Nutella crepe for dinner! I LOVE crepes! (and nutella) (maybe I like nutella more but it is so much better on a crepe)

Has anybody seen that Breakup movie with Jennifer Anniston? Kevin and I previewed it for free a few months ago. Our apartment manager works for some movie company that invites random people to view movies months before they are released to study the public’s reaction to it. Kevin and I had to fill out some survey thing saying what we thought and then we were asked afterwards to be part of a discussion (they asked about 25 people to stay and do this- I guess Kevin and I looked like we’d have a lot of input). Anyways, the ending of the movie sucked and we complained about it a lot and I heard rumors afterwards that they changed it… so now I am anxious… what is the ending like? We’ll find out someday.

Memorial Day Weekend

Saturday night: Huntington beach side fire with Chris and Michelle Tidwell (to the right) and Ryan and Jess Roberts (on the left). We sucessfully roasted hotdogs and marshmellows!









Sunday: We got to spend a few hours with Kristina during her layover between KC and New Zealand. We picked her up at the airport around 1pm and had her back for her next flight by 9pm. She's safely in New Zealand now... it was sad to see her go... I miss my sister! (and the other one as well)

In this picture, the Hollywood sign is somewhere behind us.




Kevin ran into Spider Man in Hollwood.


















Another Hollywood pic.













And of course we had to stop by the famous Ditty Reise for a $1 ice cream sandwich!

I stand while I sit

I woke up last weekend and felt like I'd never slept. I knew my body had laid relatively motionless for a few hours, but my mind hadn't even paused. I vaguely remember counting the different issues on my mind that night... in the midst of my dreams I counted more than I could ever remember. I thought it strange that in the midst of my sub consciousness I attempted to count the things on my mind... I just awoke and lay there, thinking "what? I'm already tired again." That's the first sign, outside of the office, of burnout. I am burned out.

I should say burnt. That was last weekend. Last Friday I left the office seriously uncertain if I could force myself to come back in on Monday. Thankfully, a Mosaic conference was scheduled for that next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I took all those days off. Saved just in time. I had two options: quit my job or take a vacation. I got sent to a conference instead.

And now its Friday again and I am sitting in the office with just about nothing to do. Most of the architects are out visiting a job site so there is nobody to bother. I hate being this kind of employee... I want to work with all my heart and use my mind to focus on the latest conflict... but I sit now on a sea of relative stillness... thankful that a three day weekend awaits. I feel one step away from being drowned in a sea of anxiety, but something keeps me hanging on, one step above the abyss of meaninglessness.

The three day conference, Origins, was amazing. I find it hard to explain what exactly it was about... "Creativity" is what I usually say. Creativity in spirituality. I'm still trying to process all these ideas although I feel like I knew this in the depths of my soul - but I was/am too lost in the crashing waves of change to focus and express them. My goal this weekend... to blog it out. Its too important for me to not attempt to share.

Until then, I sit, fearful that my body might waste away, but believing my soul cannot. And that's the only thing I can stand on today.

LA5

Wednesday lunch at In and Out Burger. The second time I've ever been there. I went with a friend, somebody I met on Monday. She flew in from Iowa for the Mosaic conference that we both attended. I was sad to see her go on Wednesday night.

In and Out was so busy... there was practically no place to stand and definitely nowhere to sit. As we waited for our orders to be completed, we were invited by two men to sit at their table. We were in an outgoing mood so we immediately sat and began to converse with our two new friends. Turns out they work for their own company... an older man named Will (I think) and his hired hand, Carlos. Will's introduction began like this, "I'm a devote heretic." I really think he said that to induce a certain reaction, as he could tell we in town for some sort of church conference b/c of our badges and b/c my Iowa friend had mentioned it. Andrea and I decided to playfully engage Will by asking him to clarify. At this point in time I don't remember his answer but he did give some dictionary sounded response. He said he was a religious scholar and to prove his wisdom began telling us about ourselves based on the year we were born and astrology stuff.

They were fascinated by me... saying that I was born split between two (constellations or something?) so parts of me are more rebellious while parts are calm. The latter being the reason I had two ear piercings, and former being my soft-spoken voice. They continued to stare at my quizzically as I tried, really, not to laugh. Not because I felt they were fools, but because of the looks on their faces. They ended their attempts to figure me out by saying I was very loyal due to the Chinese year of the dog. I admired their knowledge of astrology and Chinese stuff and would have loved to continue but our order came and we had to leave to get back for the next seminar like thing.

I really enjoyed our conversation. They gave me their card and said to call if I ever needed some sort of construction work done (knowing I worked in an architectural field). I really hope I do find a reason to converse with them again.

random question... but serioulsy

What do you do to keep your feet and shoes from stinking... if you don't like to wear socks? Seriously!

No peace

I decided to pass on both jobs. The last few days have been so stressful trying to decide what to do. I am amazed at how much I struggled with discernment and at how quickly I became frustrated b/c of my indecisiveness. I was reminded once again of how harsh I can be on myself and how maybe, just maybe, I put expectations on myself that God isn't even a part of. I felt extreme pressure to take "risks" b/c that is all that Mosaic talks about... I felt so pressured I thought I might just take the product job to avoid feeling like a failure, like I've missed out. But the closer I got to trying to accept it, the more unrest I experienced. So finally, I've decided that due to lack of peace, I cannot accept either job. It seems crazy to me, I wanted so desperately to logically figure it out... but I couldn't. And maybe that in itself is the answer. Did I fail to trust God to strengthen me to endure the 3 hour daily commute, or to provide a new place to live and a car? Maybe I did. Or maybe I decided in my head what I thought trust looked like and I was wrong. Maybe trust is believing that God cares more about my work and my "talents and strengths" then even I do, that He'll provide other amazing opportunities b/c of His love for me, that He isn't out to test me and trick me and make me feel like I've only got once chance or nothing ever. And maybe, I just have a stinking hard time getting myself to just say "no". I try to conquer all, achieve all, be all, do all, and finish all. And I forget why I'm here. Its not about being the best, getting the best job, having the best experience b/c you've got to- its LA... I don't know. Maybe someday I will. Maybe God just saved me, once again, from myself.

Decisions

I have a lot of decisions to make this weekend. Actually its the several decisions that need to be made, but one that will in turn lead to several other decisions. I've had three interviews in the last two weeks and today I've had two job offers. It has the potential to change our life quite a bit.

First job opp- the "safer" option I feel like. Work in downtown LA (so I could take the subway to work, cutting my commute to 30 minutes each way instead of the over an hour that I have now) for a firm that focuses on interiors for commercial environments. (meaning office buildings) I'd start by helping another interiors lady (that seemed quite nice at the interview) with credit unions (bank design). I'd get great space planning experience although there is a possibility that after awhile it could get redundant (b/c credit unions are all somewhat the same although they fit into different size spaces.) They encourage my environmental design thing but aren't fully into that field yet although they may have a few projects interested in that. Oh yes- I'd make slightly less than I do now.

Second option- the "far more risky" option. Make a completely different career move into high end (very expensive) product design. This office is so LA its hard to describe. Fast-paced, figure it out as you go, may have extensive travel involved to China, Flordia and Italy if needed. Into developing new materials and products, specifically for condos and hotels. I'd start by working on a spa in Flordia, designing a lot of the furniture/products, etc. In a few months, if I'm doing well, they said they'd send me there to check it out and finish it. Only problem, at this job I'd have to face my greatest weakness- confidence. They need an assertive individual who commands respect from men. (yes they said that b/c this field is mostly male). I'd make a few thousand more than I do now... but would have to use that immediately to either move or invest in a comfortable vehicle b/c this job is near the beach (if we stayed in studio city, my drive would be closer to two hours on a bad traffic day- one way; hence the reason we'd move near the beach and pay a higher rent). Exciting and very intense. One downfall, environmental stuff is harder to apply in this field although it is possible that in the next few years it will be easier and more strongly encouraged to use it in product design as well.

I need to think. I have to let them both know on Monday. AHHHH the pressure.

Easter

The only flower we have... b/c our apt recieves limited amounts of direct sunlight... (and lots of indirect) its really hard to have any plants :( But this one has made it... and its my favorite flower ever- cyclamen! I check it nearly every day to see what has bloomed. Exciting!









Our Easter crew... we all ate at Jeremy and Meaghan Koci's for dinner/late lunch. Then we sat around and talked forever before setting up a few rounds of Settlers. Good times and good food. The man standing to Jeremy's right is named Larry and he's from Seattle... he told us a lot about the Seatle and Portland areas... as he heard we are interested in church planting somewhere. Then he told us his dreams to church plant in Ireland... and now he and Kevin are going to meet to discuss this idea more. :) Of course.



Speaking of good food: I experiemented some more and tried out twice baked sweet patotoes (amazingly excellent) and an extra chocolate cake (thewhite frosted one shown below. That one was not sooo good... almost too bitter for me- but hey, it was worth the try.

LA.4

Last night Kevin and I decided to walk to the grocery store since it is only a few blocks away... and on our walk we passed a lot of people, but only one stood out... a young man that looked as though he'd walked straight out of the 80s... long dishevealed hair, torn jeans, t-shirt... sorta the rocker look... and carrying a boom box over his shoulder playing Pearl Jam. My first thought, "People still do that?" Yep... this is LA... do what you want. (we have seen this a few times but this is the first time I thought I'd write it in the blog.)

ps... did you all know that you can get cars these days with blue tooth technology so that when you are in your car and your cell phone rings... its automatically hooked up to your car speakers and all so all you do is just say "hello" and your connected? One of the architects in my office has one, along with all these other voice activated options. crazy! how do I get one of those??

This is LA #1, 2 & 3

I decided I'd like to start posting some of the crazy experiences that make me say to myself "only in LA" or "this is LA"- the later implying that I should expect crazy things from this crazy city. So... here are three that I've chosen for now:

1. The other day I was waiting for the bus outside of my office when a young lady ran up the light. She was on a jog and was waiting for the light to change so she could cross the street. The light began to change and she got ready to run again... and a car decided to make a last minute right hand turn, making the jogger wait a few more seconds before being able to cross. The crazy part: the jogger got so pissed at the car that she ran up to the back, kicked it in the bumper, and then ran off across the street. Although this story is not as crazy as it could be, I was still surpised. I've actually seen somebody do what we all think of doing sometimes. Kick that dumb car and get on with it. It made me laugh.

2. Last week was NeoCon West, some huge deign event in LA. They had events, displays, exhibitions, showrooms, seminars, etc. all week long. They also had parties... lots of them. One night the party was at the expo place... so at least 200 companies come in and set up booths promoting themselves. At about 6pm, the booths became mini bars. EVERY BOOTH had something free to drink. I only made it to three booths before I had to take a break and eat some food. The crazy part: they also hired models to blend in with the crowd to make the scene more "hip." No kidding. When the models started dancing in the crowd, a sales rep I was talking to, looked at me and said, "this is LA." Expect nothing less.

3. Last night at the bus stop I met a man who was also waiting for the bus. He seemed sorta confused about where he was going, and after he asked me for directions, he then told me basically his whole life story. He was dressed in simple athletic gear, smelled heavily of smoke, and had a torn coat. He said he was a professional golfer who needed to practice his "short game" so he only carried a few clubs around instead of the whole bag. He assured me that he is very wealthy, he owns a lot of the nearby businesses and several cars and two houses... but he can't drive because he has a cirulation problem and its bad for him to sit in the driving position for very long. When we got on the bus, he then told us about how he used to work with the Chicago Bulls and helped them in some of their player trading, and about how he knew OJ Simpson and one of his good friends that goes to visit him in jail. Then he whipped out a signed football by some dude that plays for the 49ers... and just before he got off on his stop he mentioned how next week he's off to Hawaii to play in some Championship tournament. I said "good luck" as he got off, the only words I'd spoken since he'd asked for directions. Is this for real? We'll never know.

Which one should I do??

Sex in the City

I love this show! Its one of those shows I intially avoided because... you know... I felt for some reason I just shouldn't watch it. But one night, Kevin was gone, I was all alone, I had nothing else to do... and lets be honest- the previews were interesting... so I watched it. I'm hooked. I love the show because of the commentary... Carrie Bradshaw has some of the most profound thoughts... I love it. Real issues, real people (okay, so its a TV show... but still).

Last nights show was so interesting to me, during commerical I ran to grab my journal to write some things down. Carrie said something along the lines of, "why are we so busy should-ing outselves?" As women, we put such immense pressure on ourselves for what we think we should be/do instead of what we could be/do. I totally relate!

Heres a quiz I took... Which Sex in the City girl are you like?? I scored the highest for Miranda! Yeah! Last night she and her family were house/apt shopping and Brooklyn and she just didn't like that area b/c of her ideas of it... and all of a sudden she exclaims "oh my God, I'm married." I don't know how many times I've had to remind myself of that... too independent and strong-willed sometimes!

Here's what the quiz said:
You scored 40% MirandaYou chose many of the same answers that Earth Sign-like Miranda, the cynical but pragmatic lawyer, might have chosen. Just like Miranda's had a tough time deciding whether to give in to the affections of Steve the Bartender, you don't give your heart up to just anyone. Miranda shies away from a relationship with Steve because he's 'just' a bartender, not something more conventionally ambitious or stable. Those with powerful Earth Sign qualities -- characteristics associated with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn -- are cautious in love and seek stability and status over nearly anything else. Earth Signs provide a steady, realistic attitude and they can bring order out of chaos. A little-known Earth Sign fact: Incredibly sensual, you seethe beneath that smart, expensive business suit of yours, yearning for intimacy but hesitant to give up your material needs, your career ambitions or your responsibilities for a passionate moment that might not turn out the way you'd hope.

To take the quiz go to: http://quiz.ivillage.com/astrology/tests/sexandthecity.htm

The Williams Family Visit

Here are some pictures of my family from when they came out to visit us last week! I was really sad when they left... I did not expect that! The reality of how far away really hit me and that I might not get to see them all again for nine more months!

This picture is of my mom and dad at a thai restaurant called The Orchid that we went to in Santa Monica. The food was great!











Here is my mom, dad and Josh at the Santa Monica Pier. The weather forecast said it was going to rain the entire time they were here... but we barely got a drop! Instead, it was just way cold... so heres us trying to huddle together to stay warm while looking at the beautiful ocean!















Ice cream sandwiches at Diddy Reise (in Westwood, near UCLA)... they cost $1!













My family outside of the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach.












Josh got to touch a sting ray! (yes I was too chicken, you know me and creatures)














Kevin and I looking at one of the exhibits. They even simulated the humidity and wave action! We saw a ton of cool fish including jelly fish (my favorite- yeah right, I got stung by one on a family vacation in texas and have dreaded the creatures ever sense), sea horses of all kinds, huge lobsters and shrimp, eels, tiger sharks, bright colored frogs, and an octopus!






Us outside of Universal Studios.















3D glasses... several of the "rides" included 3D vedios.











On the studio tour we got to see some of the sets they've used recently in movies. This one is from War of the Worlds when the plane crashes into the neighborhood. We also saw Backdraft scenes, Hong Kong stuff, The Grinch set, the Desperate Housewives neighborhood, Jaws exhibit, and... I guess they were filming the sequel to Bruce Almighty but we couldn't see much.






And lastly, dinner at our apartment. There's Kevin trying to pretend to be excited about the carrot/beet salad I made. We also ate chicken and asparagus and Asian yams. Yummy!

Rubbing off on me

I did it. I actually missed a soccer game for the Oscars. I've been looking forward to them for weeks... In Kansas, I was lucky if I remembered they existed. Maybe its because they have been in the news for weeks here... "Hollywood begins preparation for Oscars", etc. Maybe its the HUGE billboard near our apartment that said "Oscars, March 5th, don't miss them!" Or maybe its the fact that like half the city shut down for the event... I don't know.

Bottom line: LA is rubbing off on me. I was SO excited to watch the Oscars, we even had a pre-Oscar party to watch some of the nominated movies! I am still sad for Joaquin Phoenix... I REALLY wanted him to win Best Actor!!! And I am SO glad that Brokeback didn't blow out everything... so overrated!!

Got to love it!

Inspired or Discouraged??

I am supposed to be studying for the LEED exam that I hope to take someday… and I’m finally about 3/4ths of the way thru all the material… but tonight as I read about Indoor Air Quality, I find myself very distracted. I am surprised.

Did you know that Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors, where levels of pollutants may be two to five times- and occasionally more than 100 times- higher than outdoor levels? (According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency) Are you wondering how that is possible? I did. To summarize, indoor air pollution is caused by ventilation systems that fail to fully remove “old” air with fresh outdoor air. Bad systems can store dust, volatile organic compounds, microorganisms, and other contaminants for years. Not only that, but during construction and installation, the glues, paints and coatings, carpet, and wood we use release harmful chemicals into the air, that are frequently not fully flushed out of the building before it is opened to the public. Things like this can cause sicknesses and headaches, among other things, to anybody inside.

Sorry to bore you with technical info, but this was just the beginning of my surprise. Buildings aren’t as safe as I always assumed they were. Architects, contractors, and construction workers have a HUGE impact on the environment we live in every day. Not only that, but they can strongly influence your health and general well being by the way they design. And this is just one section of the several that I have read so far.

Its inspiring really. It is so easy for me to get discouraged at my job… especially when I sit day after day, staring at a computer screen, drawing some technical detail that seems so minor and really not that interesting. I especially hate the days where I walk out at the end of the day and realize that I’ve barely talked to another human being. I forget how God has allowed me to play a small part in the shaping of this earth and the environment that shelters and protects and provides for His people. Instead I focus on how my body aches from sitting down so long, and on how I dread opening AutoCad again to the same drawings I’ve been working on for months now. The other day I stepped out of the car and thought “God if only I could have one meaningful conversation today with somebody.”

I realize more and more lately how I rate the success of my day/life on the relationships I have. A completely unproductive day at work, yet full of random conversations and laugher, almost always beats a mostly full day of productivity. And… if I can’t have meaningful conversations at work b/c the environment and culture is not welcoming to this, than I find myself wishing I could be more productive, because at least if I can’t talk to somebody, I’d get something done. But then I find I’m not all that productive without being able to talk to somebody at least a little bit. So, you see, I’m in a bit of a bind.

And… as most people seem to perceive me as “quiet” I’ll clarify that when I say “talk to” somebody, I usually mean somebody talking to me. That’s right, I like to listen. Especially when I’m just getting to know somebody. And my close friends right now, are saying to themselves, “yeah right, Nikki and listening is maybe not two words I’d use together too frequently”, hence the comment about “especially when I’m getting to know somebody”.

Anyways, now that I’ve rambled and this email is on a completely different track than when I started, I’ll keep rambling. I think I’m just lonely here in LA. Its taking way too dang long to get to know somebody and when work seems to be filling most of my time, I seem to get depressed. I wonder, does my work environment just devalue the social aspects of life, or is that normal in the professional field? Am I just anti-social and need to be more aggressive and outgoing, or is it in some part, just LA, a huge city (a collection of 88 cities crammed into one- really!) and its just hard to get to know people?

Or maybe, its just the recent increase of family specific conflict that’s poured into my soul, that puts an overall shadow over everything. Yes, I think that’s definitely part of it.

I was going to write about volatile organic compounds and how God created an earth we’d have to die in, and about what spirituality really is, but I’ll save that for another day. Back to studying.

Yesterday's Headlines

Last nights headline news was: the rain.

Yesterday it rained all afternoon and evening and it was hilarious to watch LA react. The head news story was a reporter sitting at an intersection, with the camera just watching cars drive by and splash up water. haha. seriously. They played it over and over again too.

Second main story: corvette stuck in intersection because there is too much water to drive. Then it showed the corvette just sitting there with water running around its wheels, like maybe half way up the wheels.

Third story: Local fireman spend days preparing for today's storms (it shows a map and firefighters looking at "trouble" spots in LA), many homeowners out in the rain filling sandbags to protect their property.

Forth story: BMW on the side of the road. Somehow got pushed off the road, by water?

Fifth story (that I remember): one road that goes underneath a highway closed due to high water. local police men enforced. one car, maybe a small toyota managed to get around the blockade and drive through the water that is pretty high, only to get ticketed on the other side by another police officer.

Today's skys: Partially cloudy with stong winds. Slight morning midst shower. By 8:00 am, not a drop of water left.

The Bus Stop

Okay... this post is a little late but I wanted to share anyways. To get home, I have to catch two buses... one near the front of our office and another in West Hollywood. On Friday, traffic was horrific, so my second bus was almost an hour late. So I sat at the West Hollywood bus stop for almost an hour and watched cars drive by, until the last five minutes before the bus fianlly came and I remembered I had my ipod and started listening to music and dancing :) Anyways, I wanted to repot the cars I saw as I sat. (reported numbers are estimations) 2-Ferraris, 4-Corvettes, 2-specialty old cars (i don't know what they were exactly), 5-lexus SUVs, WAY too many BMWs to count, (thats like the standard car here), 3-porshes (however you spell it), and 3 Boxster convertibles. (at least I'm pretty sure thats what they were). Crazy huh? I thought it was interesting.

One Year Anniversary

Our one year anniversary was yesterday! I can't believe how fast the year has gone... and how much has changed. To celebrate, we didn't have much time or money, so we decided to get a hotel room downtown and explore the city some more. I know it doesn't sound too romantic but... who knows how long we'll live here and there is so much here that we haven't yet gotten a chance to experience. We started out by stopping by the Disney Concert Hall two hours before the next concert and seeing if we could get some last minute discounted tickets. They had about 20 seats still open so we could snag two seats. It was an awesome experience, listening to pieces by Beethoven and Stravinsky while being in a beautiful space. The picture below shows Kevin walking to the ticket booth.
The next picture (I hate how it didn't turn out, but the story is good so I have to show it anyways) is of the Toy Distict in LA. Not a good area to be walking around late at night. We ended up there on accident trying to find some Japanese restaurant I had read about in a book... and walked by probably hundreds of carboard boxes and tents. This picture isn't the most descriptive because we took it as we were leaving the area (we were a little uncomfortable) but in the cardboard box on the right is the somebody's home. I've never seen anything like it, in the United States, that is. The picture below is where we actually ended up for dinner after trying out four different restaurants. The Japanese one in Little Tokyo had a huge line, and after waiting an hour and being nowhere near being seated, we left. It ended up taking us another hour to find another restaurant anyways, but oh well, we got a good view. We shared a meal at the LA Prime Restaurant on the 35th floor of some famous hotel (yes I already forgot the name and don't want to look it up right now).
We stayed at a very trendy hotel in downtown for a discounted price because we stayed on a sunday night (I got monday off work for President's Day). Yes that is a glass window in the shower to the bed. Fun times.
Room service in the morning. A first for us.
Us standing outside the hotel in front of a palm tree.
Today we decided to head to Hollywood before coming home because they are having an Oscar display before the big event happens March 5th. There are signs for it everywhere all over the city. They had an Oscar there that you could hold and get a picture taken, so here's Kevin, get his first Oscar for... most creative idealist of futuristic cultural values. Whatever.
Thats it. I love posting pictures, it allows me to pretend that you all are here with us, sharing these experiences. We miss you all a lot!

Medical Scam

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, for my second exam this month. In the winter, I always have really dry eyes... so dry that sometimes I can't wear contacts for days at a time. It seems worse in LA, but I contributed that to working on a computer all day and all week. Well this eye doctor is either determined to fix that problem or a great scam artist. The first time I went in they suggested a new kind of contacts that allows the most oxygen to pass through... and yes it is a significant difference from the contacts I've had for years (if you compare the permeability of the old verses the new). They cost about $10 more a pack and I had a $100 contact fitting fee, which they assured me was customary for new clients. Then I had to go back in two weeks later (yesterday) to get my eyes looked at again to see if I was adjusting to the new contacts well. I didn't notice a difference between the new and the old... so this time she wrote me a perscription for an eye drop that I'd have to use twice a day. As well as giving me two new sets of the new contacts (yes-at least I got something for "free") and I have to come back in a month later to see how the drops and new contacts are doing. And... pay another doctor visit fee and she is convinced I need my eyes dilated b/c I haven't done it in a few years.

I always feel so helpless. The doctor suggests something and I just feel so unsure... can I trust her? Is this really worth it? Do I really need this? AHHHHHHHHHHH. I wanted to call my mom and ask her opinion. She always knew what I needed as a kid. Here I am 23 years old and married, and still needing my mom to go to the doctor with me.

So I go home and feel guilty. Am I spending money I don't have? well... yes, but is it for a good cause? AHHHHHHHH. I figure my eyes are always dry in the winter, I'll wait it out, and then in the summer I'll be fine. What should I do?

Somebody help me please. I have "decision making with doctors" syndrome.

Something

Happy Valentine's Day (yesterday)

I always think of these profound thoughts on the bus or late at night, to post on my blog, but then when I actually get back to the computer, nothing.

Latest news: conflict management, birth control issues, studying (still) for a professional certificate in environmental/green design, lots of public bus time, and... tonight is yoga. It kicks my butt everytime.

Well I just wanted to say hi, especially since I haven't posted in awhile. This Sunday is Kevin and I's one year anniversary. I can't belive its already here.