It is 56 degrees in Berkeley today. I am FREEZING. I definitely have southern California blood... b/c I am so cold! I brought t-shirts and short sleeved shirts... so now I think we're going to go buy me a jacket. Did I mention it's July?

Our first weekend in Berkeley. I forgot my makeup, along with other personal items that are, um, necessary for my daily life. It's like I'm completely absent -minded about the normal, daily stuff... b/c all our thoughts are going towards strategy and people and work and moving...

So here we are. We flew in last night and leave to head back to LA Sunday evening. Today we will go to Berkeley city Hall and the farmers market. Then we hope to check out this one bedroom house we are really really really praying we get to rent. Then we have meetings and dinner set up with some of the elders here. Crazy and exciting times....

Until later.

Hear it out....

Escape the Suburbs!

Hair Cut

Of course, I won't be wearing it straight b/c it's way too much effort... but it was fun for a few days.

Plus... I am donating my hair to a company that makes hair mats. Weird, I know, but seriously, they help save the environment when there are oil spills! I'll post the website later.

And... to top it all off, I just gave my three week notice to my current job. We think we'll be in Berkeley by August 1st. Only three more weeks of work!

Goodbye LA... hello San Fran??

See here.

There is some talk going on... we could be in San Fran by September. More details to follow.

Angst: the language of April (although it's June now)

I need to make a commitment. This is where I am. This is where I chose to be. Make a commitment and stick to it. Do the best I can do here. I can doubt and question my decision or wish I was somewhere else... but neither of those things change reality- they just give me a negative attitude about it. If the present is not good enough, when will the future ever be? I'm afraid I've created unhealthy patterns of survival. If I let my doubts, my fears control my perspective than I am doomed to be be stuck in a disappointing cycle of unmet expectations and dreams that move further away.

Can I trust Him? Can I believe that He has me here for a purpose, for a meaning, for a mission, that will impact the world and make a difference in His movement? Can I trust Him when the world around me tells me to give up my dreams and adjust to the boredom of reality? Can I trust Him when they laugh when I talk about what might be possible and what I hope for? Can I believe it is really possible to live fully and freely despite the fact that most of those around me are already dead?

The words "you are a stranger" come to mind... and I remember their truth, but yet still, so much of me just longs to belong, to be one of them, even if I know it will all mean nothing in the end. I live torn between two worlds, two ways, two lives that are impossibly intertwined and interconnected. Sometimes I forget which is which. The world or You... you both speak so loudly to me... I want to cover my ears because I feel so easily overwhelmed but then I know that will blot out Your voice as well... so I keep trying to listen. I wander, almost lost, between all the noise, and at some moments, it overtakes me and the anxiety covers my heart like a fishing net I can't escape from.

I try to remind myself that hearing is a blessing, a gift. And sometimes, Your Voice blocks out all the others and I can hear Your peace. Sometimes I can sit in the midst of the crowded places and feel the stillness of Your presence. Sometimes, I can hear Your voice among all the others, but I know which one is Yours and so my two worlds are aligned; I don't need to escape one to reach the other. Those moments are the best.

Why do I pray?

Somebody asked me this question recently... maybe two or three months ago... and I couldn't find the right answer. It was the strangest thing, since I've been doing this God thing for awhile and since prayer is considered such a basic aspect... but I couldn't find the words. The right words. Everything I thought of sounded so typical "christian" or "churchy" and I couldn't find it in myself to give the answers they tell you in Sunday school. I also couldn't think of one particular outstanding story... where I prayed some prayer and lighting flashed and some blind dude was healed. Of course I like to think those things can happen, but then I remember it was Jesus who did that. (Except maybe the lighting part- that's not recorded in the historical records.)

I woke up this morning thinking about one of my close friends, whose life seems to be in an uproar right now. I found myself wishing I had magical words that I could pray, to make the situation change today. But somehow I know, deep down, I don't have magical powers. But yet still, I pray. I wondered again, why. I suppose that the most authentic answer I can give, is that I pray because I am curious. Bottom line. I believe there is a God. I believe He is real. I also believe that He can hear us and see us. And because I believe these things, I pray... I know that He performs miracles, I know He is still alive, I know that He... moves. And although I can't for the life of me "figure Him out" or know Him so well that I can "predict" His response... I also believe He cares. And this is the only thing that gives me hope and drives me to keep talking to Him through prayer.

In conclusion, my final answer (for now) is... I pray because I believe the God of all creation, of the universe, cares and because I am curious. Now I am going to tell Him that.

Beat up

It's been a rough week, physically. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt as though I'd been in a fight. My body hurt everywhere and I could barely walk (well I could walk but with a wobble). It was all because of Monday night; I started playing soccer again. And because I've barely ran since... oh last October, my body practically went into shock. Monday night, at 4am, I woke up to find my right ankle swollen and pounding. I guess I sprained it sometime during the game, but didn't notice until I'd been off of it for several hours. That's what I get for not physically preparing at all.

My new soccer team, Ajax United, plays every Monday night at a nearby sports complex (a half hour from our apartment- that is nearby) in Glendale. The teams are all women (no more co-ed for me) and we have a coach. The coach proved to be one of the biggest challenges of all. He has a comment or an opinion about every play, every move... and guess what? I disagree with his theories and game plan. So I spent the first half arguing with him about different plays and hopelessly watching my team get scored upon. Finally, the second half, my amazing ability to ignore people came into play and I promise I didn't hear another word out of his mouth the entire last half hour. I don't know how I do it... but something changes inside my head and I become so focused on the game I can't hear anything outside of it. No matter how loud they yell. I mastered this with my father quite well. He finally gave up trying to call out advice after he realized I had no intentions of ever listening and beyond that, I just couldn't. I love that mode of play that comes over me; it confirms that I am focused and engaged in the game and that I really want to play. If I can hear you, I'll not really playing.

Commercial

As I walked out of the subway station this morning and began to walk towards my building, I noticed a sign that said,

"Filming: by walking through this section you are agreeing to be a part of our commercial."

My office building was entirely surrounded by a filming crew so I had no option: I had to walk through. They had parked an old fashioned taxi and green truck near the curb. (The green truck, by the way, read "New York Sun Daily News"). I couldn't really tell what the commercial was for and the film crew was on strict terms to not reveal any information. Our street was unusually busy this morning with business professions walking around, a new hot dog stand, a new newspaper/magazine stand (all for the filming I know), and the jeans and t-shirt crew. I quickly realize that all these business professions sharing our sidewalk today are "extras" aka: actors. A man stands on the corner talking animatedly on his cell phone... a group of women sit on the edge of the planters... construction workers stand and talk about their new fake project.

On the fifth floor, I look down and watch them run from the rain. It never rains either. This is definitely an unusual day.

New office: Klawiter

Thought I'd share a few pics of my new office.

The view from my window:

my desk (above) it is only temporary though... i am sitting at the desk of a woman on maternity leave... when she returns at the end of April I will be relocated.

the office (below)

Downtown

Today I finally had the time to actually take a full lunch break- so I took a short walk around downtown, close to my new office. Downtown LA is so... I'm not sure yet. I walked a few blocks to a concrete island they call Pershing Square: a "park" on top of a concrete underground parking garage made of massive, bright colored concrete shapes (mostly square) with a dying water fountain and a few trees on the parameter. I found it hard to relax as I walked past numerous very tired homeless people gazing out into the distance yet somehow watching my every move at the same time. These business professional clothes don't help either- I'm not fully comfortable in them yet. You get all dressed up in the morning to go sit at a computer and then at lunch attempt to walk around in LA's usual hot winter weather. I don't fully appreciate them yet. It's been nearly two years and I am still a die hard fan of jeans and t-shirts. Someday soon I think, my time will come, and not a suit will be seen- at least on this side of the country. We young professionals just put up with it to please our 60+ bosses who write our checks... but someday.

Anyways, back to the story. I find it hard to relax my mind. Especially as I turn a corner and a man walks briskly past me whispering (just loud enough for me to hear) "beautiful booty". PLEASE. It took all my self discipline to keep starting straight ahead and ignore him even though the curiosity inside of me really wanted to look and see who this dud dude was. I walk up to the cross walk and another young man sets up beside me and starts asking questions about my day. He's wearing headphones and a backpack and his oversize shirt, that reaches nearly to his knees, is way out of place at this time of day. Oh well. I quickly turn away and move on, heading back to my office.

WOW- I do miss those residential neighborhoods I used to stroll through at the noon hour near Beverly Hills. But... something about the trees that outline the concrete park capture my eye. They have unusually large, bright orange flowers. It was if they stood to say, even in this drab, tired place, "I will let my beauty be a beacon of hope. I am still here..."

Red buffer zones

A "speech" I gave to a group of artists at Mosaic:

In my third year of college I had one of those red puff daddy jackets with down feathers inside. They were really popular at that time… and really warm- as Kansas weather could be quite frigid and windy during the winter. I used to wear it everywhere- to class, to meet a friend, for dinner, to a house party. It became so comfortable to me- a part of my wardrobe that I realized once it was on, I rarely took it off. One particular night stands framed in my memory… I was at a house party with a lot of people that I didn’t know. Although it was quite cold outside, I realized the house was warm and I grew hot in my jacket… but something within me resisted taking it off… because I didn’t know many people there I felt uncomfortable and I was clinging to the jacket for comfort. It was safe and reliable and somehow I felt, hid my insecurity. It gave me a sense of control in an unfamiliar place- as if to say “I don’t have to reveal really who I am just yet”. It was a barrier, a wall, between my heart and the unknown and although it made me feel a temporary sense of security- it allowed me to keep to myself and stay inside in a sense. My comfort became my barrier.

Fortunately, I got so hot I had to take it off for fear of looking ridiculous. And I quickly realized that I was just as okay without it on as I was wearing it. The memories of that night stayed in my mind, and I began to see the other coats I wore in different situations and how I had a tendency to hide when things were awkward.

I also found that trying to tell myself to take them off wasn’t much of a motivator and that my warnings to myself couldn’t keep up with the awkwardness that I would feel. The best way for me to stop hording my coats to myself in a sense, was if I started thinking about how I could share them, or give them away to others. Because I don’t think it is necessarily bad to have things of comfort around or to be comfortable in a certain thing for a certain time, but I knew I had a tendency to depend on them or to refuse to let them go when they were no longer needed.

An example of this is my first week at my professional job just over a year ago. I was fresh out of college, inexperienced, in an intimidating environment and it was easy to come to work and hide at my desk and just do what I needed to be done. Plus I told myself since I was the new one; it was the responsibility of those already there to get to know me. I soon realized though, that is not the way it worked at this particular place. As soon as I realized how I was taking comfort and how it was a barrier to relationships there, I decided to just do something simple and make a point to greet everybody first thing in the morning, as soon as I got there. It sounds so simple, but I was amazed at how some people really weren’t into being friendly in the morning or how people let the demands of the day take over their decisions. Then one morning, I ran into another quiet girl at the office and asked her about her weekend… she didn’t even say a word before the tears formed in her eyes and she looked away. She told me about some frustrations she was having with her fiancé… and until that time, nobody at the office even knew she was engaged yet.

I found that not only did giving my coat away set me free to experience new things, it also seems to encourage others that are hiding to step out and reveal themselves, at least a little bit.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all today is because I just started another new job two weeks ago and have had to face more uncomfortable situations… but I know they will pass soon if I refuse to let myself hide. I also wanted to encourage you all with my story, to examine the things that we take comfort in and how they can become a barrier. In hopes that not only will you learn new things about yourself, but that you’d start to see them in others as well.

Last day at JMKA

Today is my last day at JMKA. I am honestly sad, at least in some ways. We've had our difficulties, but we've had some great times too. I actually enjoyed the hour bus rides in the morning- it was great time to be by myself before the craziness of the day took over. I will miss my co-workers who have now become my good friends. I will miss walking around the nearby neighborhoods at lunch and sitting on the steps of random apartment complex's to read. I might miss the never ending private middle school project that always lingers on my desk... though I doubt it.

I start my new job on Monday at Klawiter... an architecture and interior design firm. I must admit, I am a little surprised that I am staying with this interiors business but... it just wasn't time to give up on it yet.

The subway and a 30 minute commute await me... but for now I am here and tears threaten to show when I think of my co-workers and how I won't get to see them everyday anymore!

Disneyland

HaHa- notice the scores! This is a rare moment- I won! Don't you love those competitive married couples?

cover letters

Sometimes I surprise myself and actually write something good and original in the most random of places... in a cover letter. Lately I've been writing them like crazy, and usually I just copy and paste and edit a word or two here and there... but this one surprised me. It is for an industrial design job. The posting was in November so I doubt the position is still open but I thought I might as well try.

"I recently found a job posting on Coroflot for -----, however, it was posted in November and I am curious to know if the position has already been filled. I am a designer with a diverse background in architecture, interiors, furniture and product design. My portfolio contains many product designs... one of which was nominated for entry into a competition by a professor. Over the last year or so, I have been working as an interior designer with an architecture firm. It has helped me gain a deeper understanding of space and the power products have to change and transform it. Architecture is, to some extent, a masterpiece of individual products in an intimate relationship with one another. I am eager to continue my growth as a designer with a company such as yours that is leading this city with it's innovation and creativity."

I just thought to myself- that's pretty good for being off the top of my head. Maybe I should consider this product design thing a little more :)

The Office

It all started this morning as I was in Panera working on Kevin's laptop. Kevin was across the street running an errand while I caught up on emails and other stuff... out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walk in and looked up to see... Steve Carell. He had a hat on and looked a little stressed. We made eye contact but I quickly looked away b/c I didn't want him to feel strange. :)

Later on we came back to our apartment and saw a truck parked across the street that said "Dunder Mifflin Paper Company" on the side. On our front door, we saw the notice above- The Office will be filming across the street from our apartment this whole week! We were so excited- we quickly grabbed our camera and took a few pics. Oh the joys of living in LA!

NO WAY

No way! That's all I could say when I read the LA times this morning and saw Beckham on the front page.

"David Beckham, perhaps the world's most widely recognized soccer player after Pele and Diego Maradona, Thursday signed a five-year, $250-million contract to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer."

"The former Manchester United star and former England national team captain will complete his contract with Real Madrid on June 30 and will join the Galaxy in August, about halfway through the MLS season, which begins April 6."

"The league is gambling that he can turn soccer into a mainstream sport in the U.S."

I am still in shock... and I think I'll start looking for a Galaxy ticket now. I HAVE to see him play. You can't be a soccer player and have Beckham in town and NOT see him play! AHHHHHH!

Human Rights

Click on the picture to go to a short You Tube video on Blood Diamonds. Yes, you heard me right... I am getting into this more, especially with the approaching release of the movie next weekend.

Kevin once asked me this infamous question, "If you could go back in time, what time would you go to?" Well... The answer really depends on my mood, as they always do with defining questions like this. I remember I said, "I'd go back to the time of Martin Luther King Jr. And the civil rights movement" It really doesn't sound that glorious... It would be heartbreaking to watch the way we treated each other in that day... And sickening to watch the violence and anger it had to generate... But it would be monumental to be a small part of that great movement- a movement for humanity, for relationships, for people, for us. Of course, they didn't know how it would end, yet they still fought. I'd stand with them as they were sprayed with huge water hoses and pelted with rubber bullets. Of course, I know... I am not African American- but that's not the point. The point is humanity- and what we think of it. That thought process is worth defending and worth fighting mightily for. And I would most definitely be a part.

What are you fighting for?

Now I go back to working at my desk...

Tattoo Ideas

Tattoo

Lately I’ve been really interested in getting a tattoo. Kevin said I could get one if I still wanted one in a year… unfortunately I don’t remember when the year started so we’ll just have to give an intelligent estimate of maybe six months ago… so six more months to go.

The reasons why:
1- I’ve always been fascinated by them… or curious I should say…
2- I think they provoke awesome conversations… What an easy way to get to know somebody by the story behind their tattoos. Imagine what you could freely tell somebody just because they asked about something as simple and common as a tattoo.
3- They are unique… the way to mark your body because it is different, because you have something to say, because your story is important and worth sharing
4- I’ve always felt like my “outside” doesn’t always match my “inside”. I look like a nice, quiet, shy, simple girl and to be honest, I really don’t feel that way and would like people to know- hey- I have a feisty spirit too!

So I finally found something “tattoo worthy” and I have to admit, it was very difficult to find. I’ve been searching for months for what the tattoo would be and finally have an idea.

Beads of Water. I’d tattoo a few on the inside of my wrist- that way they can easily be hidden by a watch or bracelet or easily revealed. Why water beads? Because I’ve always been fascinated by water. It has come to represent peace to me. Whenever I’m around bodies of water, I feel as though I can never leave. The way waves gently ripple thru a lake, or crazily wash over each other in the sea, capture my gaze and hold my heart. When I watch the water, I finally feel completely still… time seems to slow and I can feel myself just breathing. It’s okay to be still and just breathe.

Sometimes we get to experience water in very concrete ways- such as when we visit a lake or spend the day at the beach. Other times, when our lives are busy, we have to suffice with our neighbor’s sprinkler system or beads of water on a leaf. And… at still other times, when life feels as dry as a dessert, we just have to believe that even though we may not see it… it’s in us. It’s a part of us. Literally- water makes up like 60% of your body (or something- I don’t care to be exact right now.)

I say peace, but maybe that’s just what love feels like. Water beads- love- they do exist. I’d like to remind myself and get to tell everybody else thru a tattoo. I guess we’ll see in six months. :)

Dull Moment?

Even though lately I’ve felt “stuck” in life… there are so many moments life surprises me and I remember that even though my life feels slow- the world around me is definitely still moving… the Spirit is moving- even in the moments when I can’t feel it.

The bus ride home: sometimes I feel strangely loved by the strangeness I encounter while experiencing the public transportation system of Los Angeles. I really do believe that God has a great sense of humor… and though there is a fine line between mockery and simple enjoyment, there are moments in life where you just have to- you just got to- laugh.

Friday night. I’m reading a book called “How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization.” The book is surprisingly violent as it describes the history of soccer fan hooligans and the culture they reflect. It leaves a strange feeling in my soul every time I set the book down to look out the bus window- making sure I didn’t miss my stop. But I keep reading- looking for glimpses of hope- for a window into the soul of humanity. I haven’t found it yet- I don’t understand the strange love of violence that captivates man around the world.

The time flies by as I read… thirty minutes, forty-five, and sixty… and I’m finally on my last bus home. Twenty more minutes to go. I set my book back in my bag and look up- finally recognizing the people around me. I can’t ignore the smell- the smell of humans- humans who haven’t showered in a very very long time. I look for the homeless person but none of the people sitting around me seem to fit that profile.

There are four people on the bus that stand out to me. One… an Arab looking man, very round- he even has huge round glasses- he wears all grey, shorts that almost hide beneath his belly- and he seems uncomfortable. I can’t help but think to myself- this man really seems out of place. I wonder what he’s up to and where he’s going… but I am not about to ask.

Two and Three- a homeless couple. Yes I know earlier I said that I didn’t see any, but this couple just stepped onto the bus, a few stops after I did. Such a rare sight- a homeless couple. They were so cute- the woman hanging onto the arm of the man- they looked out for each other. He carried the sleeping bag while she carried the rest. I wondered about them too… where will they sleep tonight?

And lastly- a man gets onto the bus… dressed in a suit- sort of. He has a button up shirt and a tie on… but the tie is irrelevant to the shirt- and tied loosely around his neck. He carries a binder of loose paper and a huge homemade poster that reads “Election Fake Treachery”. The strangest part is… throughout the entire twenty minute ride through the Hollywood Hills, this man breaks out in sprits of silent laughter. I look up to see his body shaking and a huge smile on his face… but at what? Its dark outside- I can barely make out the buildings we pass- but yet he breaks out in another set- he chuckles to himself- no he’s not using a hidden cell phone piece either. And he avoids eye contact with everybody on the bus- just minding his own business, laughing to the voices he hears in his head. His silent laugher becomes more frequent as we near the final stop- Ventura and Laurel Canyon. And I realize he’s about to join the usual Friday protest.

Every single Friday night, a group gathers at this intersection- a block from our apartment- to petition the war. They hold signs that say “honk for peace” and “we hate bush”- okay maybe not those words specifically, but you get the point. I have to walk straight through them to get to the other side of the street so I get to see them up close- a man strumming his guitar, candles to reminisce the memory of those in Iraq, pamphlets set up on a table in case a curious lad does walk by…

The best part though- is the Republicans that sit on the opposite side of the street. They are always outnumbered- three Republicans to maybe thirty Dems… and there is an enforced rule- they must stay on their own side of the street. The Dems to the North- the Reps to the South. I’ve seen cops enforce the rule by parking their patrol car to the side and blaring a horn and flashing their car lights every time one of them enters the crosswalk. Tonight though, there are no cops, so they test the limits, although only to a certain point. When the traffic light flashes the white “walk” sign, one Dem heads out to meet one Rep… they stop in the center of the road and whisper threats and accusations at one another, holding their signs high above their heads- looking at the surrounding cars for support, and then just barely making it back to their post before the light changes again.

It’s amazing. I laugh to myself as I walk to meet Kevin at the grocery store. Another boring day at work- but never a boring moment in Los Angeles.