Memorial Day Weekend

Saturday night: Huntington beach side fire with Chris and Michelle Tidwell (to the right) and Ryan and Jess Roberts (on the left). We sucessfully roasted hotdogs and marshmellows!









Sunday: We got to spend a few hours with Kristina during her layover between KC and New Zealand. We picked her up at the airport around 1pm and had her back for her next flight by 9pm. She's safely in New Zealand now... it was sad to see her go... I miss my sister! (and the other one as well)

In this picture, the Hollywood sign is somewhere behind us.




Kevin ran into Spider Man in Hollwood.


















Another Hollywood pic.













And of course we had to stop by the famous Ditty Reise for a $1 ice cream sandwich!

I stand while I sit

I woke up last weekend and felt like I'd never slept. I knew my body had laid relatively motionless for a few hours, but my mind hadn't even paused. I vaguely remember counting the different issues on my mind that night... in the midst of my dreams I counted more than I could ever remember. I thought it strange that in the midst of my sub consciousness I attempted to count the things on my mind... I just awoke and lay there, thinking "what? I'm already tired again." That's the first sign, outside of the office, of burnout. I am burned out.

I should say burnt. That was last weekend. Last Friday I left the office seriously uncertain if I could force myself to come back in on Monday. Thankfully, a Mosaic conference was scheduled for that next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I took all those days off. Saved just in time. I had two options: quit my job or take a vacation. I got sent to a conference instead.

And now its Friday again and I am sitting in the office with just about nothing to do. Most of the architects are out visiting a job site so there is nobody to bother. I hate being this kind of employee... I want to work with all my heart and use my mind to focus on the latest conflict... but I sit now on a sea of relative stillness... thankful that a three day weekend awaits. I feel one step away from being drowned in a sea of anxiety, but something keeps me hanging on, one step above the abyss of meaninglessness.

The three day conference, Origins, was amazing. I find it hard to explain what exactly it was about... "Creativity" is what I usually say. Creativity in spirituality. I'm still trying to process all these ideas although I feel like I knew this in the depths of my soul - but I was/am too lost in the crashing waves of change to focus and express them. My goal this weekend... to blog it out. Its too important for me to not attempt to share.

Until then, I sit, fearful that my body might waste away, but believing my soul cannot. And that's the only thing I can stand on today.

LA5

Wednesday lunch at In and Out Burger. The second time I've ever been there. I went with a friend, somebody I met on Monday. She flew in from Iowa for the Mosaic conference that we both attended. I was sad to see her go on Wednesday night.

In and Out was so busy... there was practically no place to stand and definitely nowhere to sit. As we waited for our orders to be completed, we were invited by two men to sit at their table. We were in an outgoing mood so we immediately sat and began to converse with our two new friends. Turns out they work for their own company... an older man named Will (I think) and his hired hand, Carlos. Will's introduction began like this, "I'm a devote heretic." I really think he said that to induce a certain reaction, as he could tell we in town for some sort of church conference b/c of our badges and b/c my Iowa friend had mentioned it. Andrea and I decided to playfully engage Will by asking him to clarify. At this point in time I don't remember his answer but he did give some dictionary sounded response. He said he was a religious scholar and to prove his wisdom began telling us about ourselves based on the year we were born and astrology stuff.

They were fascinated by me... saying that I was born split between two (constellations or something?) so parts of me are more rebellious while parts are calm. The latter being the reason I had two ear piercings, and former being my soft-spoken voice. They continued to stare at my quizzically as I tried, really, not to laugh. Not because I felt they were fools, but because of the looks on their faces. They ended their attempts to figure me out by saying I was very loyal due to the Chinese year of the dog. I admired their knowledge of astrology and Chinese stuff and would have loved to continue but our order came and we had to leave to get back for the next seminar like thing.

I really enjoyed our conversation. They gave me their card and said to call if I ever needed some sort of construction work done (knowing I worked in an architectural field). I really hope I do find a reason to converse with them again.

random question... but serioulsy

What do you do to keep your feet and shoes from stinking... if you don't like to wear socks? Seriously!

No peace

I decided to pass on both jobs. The last few days have been so stressful trying to decide what to do. I am amazed at how much I struggled with discernment and at how quickly I became frustrated b/c of my indecisiveness. I was reminded once again of how harsh I can be on myself and how maybe, just maybe, I put expectations on myself that God isn't even a part of. I felt extreme pressure to take "risks" b/c that is all that Mosaic talks about... I felt so pressured I thought I might just take the product job to avoid feeling like a failure, like I've missed out. But the closer I got to trying to accept it, the more unrest I experienced. So finally, I've decided that due to lack of peace, I cannot accept either job. It seems crazy to me, I wanted so desperately to logically figure it out... but I couldn't. And maybe that in itself is the answer. Did I fail to trust God to strengthen me to endure the 3 hour daily commute, or to provide a new place to live and a car? Maybe I did. Or maybe I decided in my head what I thought trust looked like and I was wrong. Maybe trust is believing that God cares more about my work and my "talents and strengths" then even I do, that He'll provide other amazing opportunities b/c of His love for me, that He isn't out to test me and trick me and make me feel like I've only got once chance or nothing ever. And maybe, I just have a stinking hard time getting myself to just say "no". I try to conquer all, achieve all, be all, do all, and finish all. And I forget why I'm here. Its not about being the best, getting the best job, having the best experience b/c you've got to- its LA... I don't know. Maybe someday I will. Maybe God just saved me, once again, from myself.

Decisions

I have a lot of decisions to make this weekend. Actually its the several decisions that need to be made, but one that will in turn lead to several other decisions. I've had three interviews in the last two weeks and today I've had two job offers. It has the potential to change our life quite a bit.

First job opp- the "safer" option I feel like. Work in downtown LA (so I could take the subway to work, cutting my commute to 30 minutes each way instead of the over an hour that I have now) for a firm that focuses on interiors for commercial environments. (meaning office buildings) I'd start by helping another interiors lady (that seemed quite nice at the interview) with credit unions (bank design). I'd get great space planning experience although there is a possibility that after awhile it could get redundant (b/c credit unions are all somewhat the same although they fit into different size spaces.) They encourage my environmental design thing but aren't fully into that field yet although they may have a few projects interested in that. Oh yes- I'd make slightly less than I do now.

Second option- the "far more risky" option. Make a completely different career move into high end (very expensive) product design. This office is so LA its hard to describe. Fast-paced, figure it out as you go, may have extensive travel involved to China, Flordia and Italy if needed. Into developing new materials and products, specifically for condos and hotels. I'd start by working on a spa in Flordia, designing a lot of the furniture/products, etc. In a few months, if I'm doing well, they said they'd send me there to check it out and finish it. Only problem, at this job I'd have to face my greatest weakness- confidence. They need an assertive individual who commands respect from men. (yes they said that b/c this field is mostly male). I'd make a few thousand more than I do now... but would have to use that immediately to either move or invest in a comfortable vehicle b/c this job is near the beach (if we stayed in studio city, my drive would be closer to two hours on a bad traffic day- one way; hence the reason we'd move near the beach and pay a higher rent). Exciting and very intense. One downfall, environmental stuff is harder to apply in this field although it is possible that in the next few years it will be easier and more strongly encouraged to use it in product design as well.

I need to think. I have to let them both know on Monday. AHHHH the pressure.