Yep. It happened again... seems God always speaks the most to me when I am trying to sleep. This time it was worse though... my brother... in my dream, we almost lost him. He got so exasperated w/life that he gave up on it and tried to escape it forever. I caught him in my arms as he fell...
as if I could save him.
It broke my heart again. Again I cried out for the sake of my brother. This time I could see the darkness surrounding him, calling to him...
He thinks that these things bring him freedom...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
PICTURES!!!!
Yeah! I finally got a free moment to post some pics for you all... so here you go!
First of all... a wound from soccer. haha. this almost never happens (that i actually have a bruise to show) so that is why I have to brag. Since I am a little short... I am at the perfect place to get the hard elbows of girls that run w/frailing arms... urh....
I just joined another league called South Bay Sports... in Santa Monica closer to the beach, its a winter league that plays on a small field. Its been fun, although I hate to say- my team really is't that good. Its co-ed and reminds me a lot of Prague... mostly b/c all the men are international students that prefer to speak in their native language when they play. (and they always think they are the best :)
Here is a picture of our turkey! I cooked my first one ever and it actually turned out alright. I tried cooking it in a brown bag b/c our turkey roaster pan was too big to fit in our tiny oven.
Here are our thanksgiving guests... it was a smaller dinner than Kevin and I used to, since we come from large families... but it was fun! We made way TOO much food. Pierre is on the left and Erin is on the right.
A picture of our make-shift bedroom... like our curtains... the white ones are from IKEA ($12 total) and the green one- well thats our shower curtain (we can't use it in the bathroom b/c we have those glass doors now, so I figured we'd use it since it matches our bedroom great)
And a view from our bedroom door into the living/kitchen area...
A view from the front door...
Thats it for now!
First of all... a wound from soccer. haha. this almost never happens (that i actually have a bruise to show) so that is why I have to brag. Since I am a little short... I am at the perfect place to get the hard elbows of girls that run w/frailing arms... urh....
I just joined another league called South Bay Sports... in Santa Monica closer to the beach, its a winter league that plays on a small field. Its been fun, although I hate to say- my team really is't that good. Its co-ed and reminds me a lot of Prague... mostly b/c all the men are international students that prefer to speak in their native language when they play. (and they always think they are the best :)
Here is a picture of our turkey! I cooked my first one ever and it actually turned out alright. I tried cooking it in a brown bag b/c our turkey roaster pan was too big to fit in our tiny oven. 
Here are our thanksgiving guests... it was a smaller dinner than Kevin and I used to, since we come from large families... but it was fun! We made way TOO much food. Pierre is on the left and Erin is on the right.
A picture of our make-shift bedroom... like our curtains... the white ones are from IKEA ($12 total) and the green one- well thats our shower curtain (we can't use it in the bathroom b/c we have those glass doors now, so I figured we'd use it since it matches our bedroom great)
And a view from our bedroom door into the living/kitchen area...
A view from the front door...
Thats it for now!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
It's a miracle to me.
I woke up last night… another bad dream. A living nightmare actually. It’s the same one… me, my brother, and my parents.
I found myself wondering, why do people have children? Parents have this enormous responsibility… they are the first to shape their child’s worldview. Whatever your parents taught you the first few years of your life… their values, their dreams, their failures, their expectations… are what their child will spend the rest of his life walking though. I find myself thinking, I don’t want kids, I don’t want to mess them up… all I want them to know is that they are loved. They only thing that matters is if they know they are loved. This is all changing my perspective of what this upcoming “judgment day” might look like… I sincerely doubt Jesus will sit there, on His mighty throne and say “why didn’t you obey Me? Why didn’t you do this or that… lets review everything you did wrong and could have done better every day you were alive…” NO. The Jesus I want to know, the Jesus worth following and believing in… I really think would say, “Didn’t you know that I love you?”
He’ll look into the eyes of the girl that grew up by herself and see her wounded heart and the baggage that she carries, and I think His heart would have to have some sadness in it. That it’s finally the end… and this creature that He created to be so beautiful never believed, never knew, that He loved her. He’ll look into the eyes of the wealthy business man who built his own career up from nothing by himself, and say “All I wanted was to live with you.”
That’s it. No rules, no expectations, no hidden agendas. It doesn’t matter if you go to church or read the Bible, whether you go to college or if you’re polite… He’s known plenty of Christians who never did do any of these. Do you know that He loves you? Look it up for yourself, the prodigal son wasn’t polite, and he didn’t follow the rules. The prostitutes on the street most definitely didn’t go to college. And the most trusted disciples didn’t have a single Bible.
So I return to my brother and find myself crying now. Doesn’t he know the He loves him? I cry out to Jesus… “Where are You? Why aren’t You here?” And
I hear Him say, “But I already am.” I think of the picture of my brother that I saw last week, his football picture, and the youthfulness of his face. This boy that I share not even a drop of blood with, yet I feel so connected to. I would give my life in a second for him to know that he’s loved… and even as that thought crosses my mind, I heard Him say, “So would I.”
All I can do is cry… sob. I lay at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry. I imagine myself thousands of year ago, when Jesus lived on earth. He walks by and the crowds are following Him, as they did in the typical Bible stories… and I run out to just grab on. Somehow I think that just holding on to Him is enough. And so I sit at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry.
“Come to my brother, he needs You.” I tell Jesus… and I wait for His response. I want Him to respond like He did in the stories… I want to hear Him say Yes and see Him go. I wait in my bed as I cry for an answer… begging to hear anything, a word… I want to believe Jesus cares, that He’s already on His way to him, my brother. Instead my mind flashes to something else… my heart stops and I’m in a hospital… there’s a doctor over me saying, “It’s a miracle you’re here.”
“It’s a miracle you’re here.”
Jesus didn’t say yes this morning… I didn’t see Him walk towards my brother, or even move for that matter. What I did hear, was a reminder. It’s a miracle I’m here today. Of course I’m not in a hospital, my heart didn’t stop and then start again… but the message was clear. Jesus does not work in the ways that I understand. He moves in a dimension that I cannot yet know… He’s working a miracle in my brother’s life that I cannot yet see… yet somehow I must believe that the miracle is happening… b/c it happened to me, its happened to others around me… it will happen to him.
And so I laid there w/ my hand outstretched… desperate to touch His hand… to feel His touch… and my hand fell back on my head. Not yet. Someday. At that moment I realized I had cried myself into a headache…. And now its time to get up.
I found myself wondering, why do people have children? Parents have this enormous responsibility… they are the first to shape their child’s worldview. Whatever your parents taught you the first few years of your life… their values, their dreams, their failures, their expectations… are what their child will spend the rest of his life walking though. I find myself thinking, I don’t want kids, I don’t want to mess them up… all I want them to know is that they are loved. They only thing that matters is if they know they are loved. This is all changing my perspective of what this upcoming “judgment day” might look like… I sincerely doubt Jesus will sit there, on His mighty throne and say “why didn’t you obey Me? Why didn’t you do this or that… lets review everything you did wrong and could have done better every day you were alive…” NO. The Jesus I want to know, the Jesus worth following and believing in… I really think would say, “Didn’t you know that I love you?”
He’ll look into the eyes of the girl that grew up by herself and see her wounded heart and the baggage that she carries, and I think His heart would have to have some sadness in it. That it’s finally the end… and this creature that He created to be so beautiful never believed, never knew, that He loved her. He’ll look into the eyes of the wealthy business man who built his own career up from nothing by himself, and say “All I wanted was to live with you.”
That’s it. No rules, no expectations, no hidden agendas. It doesn’t matter if you go to church or read the Bible, whether you go to college or if you’re polite… He’s known plenty of Christians who never did do any of these. Do you know that He loves you? Look it up for yourself, the prodigal son wasn’t polite, and he didn’t follow the rules. The prostitutes on the street most definitely didn’t go to college. And the most trusted disciples didn’t have a single Bible.
So I return to my brother and find myself crying now. Doesn’t he know the He loves him? I cry out to Jesus… “Where are You? Why aren’t You here?” And
I hear Him say, “But I already am.” I think of the picture of my brother that I saw last week, his football picture, and the youthfulness of his face. This boy that I share not even a drop of blood with, yet I feel so connected to. I would give my life in a second for him to know that he’s loved… and even as that thought crosses my mind, I heard Him say, “So would I.”
All I can do is cry… sob. I lay at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry. I imagine myself thousands of year ago, when Jesus lived on earth. He walks by and the crowds are following Him, as they did in the typical Bible stories… and I run out to just grab on. Somehow I think that just holding on to Him is enough. And so I sit at the feet of Jesus and I grab His robe and just cry.
“Come to my brother, he needs You.” I tell Jesus… and I wait for His response. I want Him to respond like He did in the stories… I want to hear Him say Yes and see Him go. I wait in my bed as I cry for an answer… begging to hear anything, a word… I want to believe Jesus cares, that He’s already on His way to him, my brother. Instead my mind flashes to something else… my heart stops and I’m in a hospital… there’s a doctor over me saying, “It’s a miracle you’re here.”
“It’s a miracle you’re here.”
Jesus didn’t say yes this morning… I didn’t see Him walk towards my brother, or even move for that matter. What I did hear, was a reminder. It’s a miracle I’m here today. Of course I’m not in a hospital, my heart didn’t stop and then start again… but the message was clear. Jesus does not work in the ways that I understand. He moves in a dimension that I cannot yet know… He’s working a miracle in my brother’s life that I cannot yet see… yet somehow I must believe that the miracle is happening… b/c it happened to me, its happened to others around me… it will happen to him.
And so I laid there w/ my hand outstretched… desperate to touch His hand… to feel His touch… and my hand fell back on my head. Not yet. Someday. At that moment I realized I had cried myself into a headache…. And now its time to get up.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Have my eyes become dull?
Today is my brothers birthday. Normally you would find me so excited at even the mention of his name... but today I am a little discouraged. I feel like he is going through so many battles right now... and all I can do is watch, if even that, from the hundreds of miles that seperate us. The other day at our apartment I was going thru a box... yes we still have some boxes left to unpack... and I found a picture of him. His football picture from a few years ago. His face was so innocent. You could still see the child in him. If only people stayed that way, still somewhat childlike. You see a random child run by with his friend trailing behind and it always brings a smile to your face. Where is that child when he grows into a man? The child that brings instant joy into the hearts of others when they see him? Where is that sense of freedom that children have even when they don't understand?
He got so weighed down so quickly. He carries burdens that a boy should not yet have to experience. He knows things that kill his innocence and he only longs to know more... how I wish I could save him from what he now must endure to become a man.
So today I made up my mind to pray for him... but I found myself struggling to find words. What could I say to God to possibly make Him move? What hasn't already been said by me, my mother, and the few others that see past behaviors and rules to his heart?
I went for a walk and saw a flower. Actually I see flowers everywhere b/c here they grow so easily... roses, birds of paradise... these are things that people grow easily in their front yard. When I see the simple beauty found in nature, I know, without a doubt, that He cares about the smallest details, that He's involved. So why is it so much harder to see it in people's lives? Does He care less about people than He does about nature? Of course we all know the anwser is no... but I am really tempted to ask when I can see a flower spring up from concrete but see nothing in the lives of people around me. Maybe see nothing is more of an extreme statement... maybe I should ask, why not today? What does He not interfere today and free him to run and be a child again? Why not today?
I am too impatient. I already know this. The real issue I found is that I don't really believe God cares. Of course I believe He cares about nature, about flowers, about birds, even about hair on our head... but does He really care about me? I know He cares about you, thats easy for me to say and back up... but I'm finding I really do at the core of my heart doubt... it must be everybody but me. Or everybody but me and my brother... or whoever else is on my heart that week.
Does He really care about me? Have my eyes become dull? The things I once so firmly believed I now find myself questioning. Dont worry though... I already know what He's doing. I must step back and question again so that I can step forward. He's stripping me down here in LA to reveal my true core. And its not pretty.
Of course I believe He's the king.. but what is a king who doesn't really care? He is nothing but another one of the billariares that live on Hollywood hill in huge mansions w/large gates to keep what they have to themselves.
Just save my brother please.
He got so weighed down so quickly. He carries burdens that a boy should not yet have to experience. He knows things that kill his innocence and he only longs to know more... how I wish I could save him from what he now must endure to become a man.
So today I made up my mind to pray for him... but I found myself struggling to find words. What could I say to God to possibly make Him move? What hasn't already been said by me, my mother, and the few others that see past behaviors and rules to his heart?
I went for a walk and saw a flower. Actually I see flowers everywhere b/c here they grow so easily... roses, birds of paradise... these are things that people grow easily in their front yard. When I see the simple beauty found in nature, I know, without a doubt, that He cares about the smallest details, that He's involved. So why is it so much harder to see it in people's lives? Does He care less about people than He does about nature? Of course we all know the anwser is no... but I am really tempted to ask when I can see a flower spring up from concrete but see nothing in the lives of people around me. Maybe see nothing is more of an extreme statement... maybe I should ask, why not today? What does He not interfere today and free him to run and be a child again? Why not today?
I am too impatient. I already know this. The real issue I found is that I don't really believe God cares. Of course I believe He cares about nature, about flowers, about birds, even about hair on our head... but does He really care about me? I know He cares about you, thats easy for me to say and back up... but I'm finding I really do at the core of my heart doubt... it must be everybody but me. Or everybody but me and my brother... or whoever else is on my heart that week.
Does He really care about me? Have my eyes become dull? The things I once so firmly believed I now find myself questioning. Dont worry though... I already know what He's doing. I must step back and question again so that I can step forward. He's stripping me down here in LA to reveal my true core. And its not pretty.
Of course I believe He's the king.. but what is a king who doesn't really care? He is nothing but another one of the billariares that live on Hollywood hill in huge mansions w/large gates to keep what they have to themselves.
Just save my brother please.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The People I've Met
So I've been meaning to update you all for so long now... but I've had an aversion to the email lately... meaning I just seem to not be using it like I used to. I mean I check it constantly... its the response part that seems to be killing me- maybe b/c I still, although its been 91 days since I first started my job, am struggling to balance my time between keeping up w/people, Kevin, meeting new people... This full time thing is going to take quite awhile to fully enjoy... five years of college is hard to hard to walk away from w/ a blank slate. I loved the freedom and independence of studio my last year of college... the random slots of free time to meet up w/somebody or hang out online...
LA is the lonely city. So many people, so alone. You know how you can stand in a crowd and still feel alone... well thats LA. You can see it in their eyes, in the way they act... how do I break thru their walls... how do I invite them to share their lives w/each other? How do you do that when the people you meet can live anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half away and still be in the same city? ahhhhhhh. Since I recently took a strengthfinders test, I found out that one of my top strengths is relator... which basically means I need close friendships... I value honesty, and am willing to take risks to really get to know somebody. So it makes sense why I would struggle here... my relator aspect is in slow motion and I burn w/impatience and eagerness nearly every day.
But... what I really wanted to tell you about is that He is moving over here... bringing people into our lives slowly... and I wanted to tell you about a few. First of all, Jiwon... the women that works right next to me, is from Korea. She came over here to get her masters and work for awhile. She is engaged to be married next summer, so we have fun talking about that and the difference btwn our weddings. She is so kind and hardworking... in fact she is so diligent and focused it makes me feel so lazy. I really enjoy working next to her... and hope to get to hang out w/her some more outside of work but its been really hard to find a good time for us both (so far).
Then there is Erin... another girl at work. I don't get to see her as much b/c her desk is in another part of the office... but she is near my age- just graduating in May from USC. She loves to play poker so we try to have poker nights at our apt to have her over. Its been good to hear her story... I don't think she really knows how unique she is and what beauty she can share.
Then there is Cheyne... another interiors person that works for HOK (a HUGE firm that is also in KC). We were sorta setup through some architect. But... we've been trying to hang out w/ her and her husband as much as we can. Her husband is a student at a school down here... so we can easily relate w/working and student husbands. Her firm is working her hard... even on weekends too... so I hope she doesn't get too worn out!
And the last one, and a new addition, is Ashley. I just met her Saturday. We were actually set up by one of my bosses, Susan, who saw that we both played soccer and so she gave us each others email addresses and we took it from there. Ashley went to Boston College but came back to LA to live here after graduation. She has a lot of friends from high school around and she plays soccer constantly to keep her busy. She was really fun to meet w/ and I'm hoping to get to hang out w/ her some more... although it will be harder b/c our paths will cross less than we'd like.
Okay just kidding... there is one more... Pierre. He works w/me... actually sits right next to me. He's French, but he graduated from college in Flordia and then came here. He is my age and is a fun guy (meaning he is one of the few at my work that actually likes to talk and laugh). Its fun... sometimes interesting b/c I've haven't had any guy friends for awhile and I feel like he must know Kevin. The other night he came over to play poker w/us and it was fun- guess what? I won! haha. I suck but nobody can tell when I'm bluffing or not.. this is the second time in a row!
Thats it... I really wanted to tell you about these people b/c they are the ones that are on my mind the most, the ones that I really hope to become friends with, the people that I pray for whenever I can. I was also wondering if you would pray for them too... if it weighs your heart at all (if not thats totally okay).
And I am off to go see a movie!
LA is the lonely city. So many people, so alone. You know how you can stand in a crowd and still feel alone... well thats LA. You can see it in their eyes, in the way they act... how do I break thru their walls... how do I invite them to share their lives w/each other? How do you do that when the people you meet can live anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half away and still be in the same city? ahhhhhhh. Since I recently took a strengthfinders test, I found out that one of my top strengths is relator... which basically means I need close friendships... I value honesty, and am willing to take risks to really get to know somebody. So it makes sense why I would struggle here... my relator aspect is in slow motion and I burn w/impatience and eagerness nearly every day.
But... what I really wanted to tell you about is that He is moving over here... bringing people into our lives slowly... and I wanted to tell you about a few. First of all, Jiwon... the women that works right next to me, is from Korea. She came over here to get her masters and work for awhile. She is engaged to be married next summer, so we have fun talking about that and the difference btwn our weddings. She is so kind and hardworking... in fact she is so diligent and focused it makes me feel so lazy. I really enjoy working next to her... and hope to get to hang out w/her some more outside of work but its been really hard to find a good time for us both (so far).
Then there is Erin... another girl at work. I don't get to see her as much b/c her desk is in another part of the office... but she is near my age- just graduating in May from USC. She loves to play poker so we try to have poker nights at our apt to have her over. Its been good to hear her story... I don't think she really knows how unique she is and what beauty she can share.
Then there is Cheyne... another interiors person that works for HOK (a HUGE firm that is also in KC). We were sorta setup through some architect. But... we've been trying to hang out w/ her and her husband as much as we can. Her husband is a student at a school down here... so we can easily relate w/working and student husbands. Her firm is working her hard... even on weekends too... so I hope she doesn't get too worn out!
And the last one, and a new addition, is Ashley. I just met her Saturday. We were actually set up by one of my bosses, Susan, who saw that we both played soccer and so she gave us each others email addresses and we took it from there. Ashley went to Boston College but came back to LA to live here after graduation. She has a lot of friends from high school around and she plays soccer constantly to keep her busy. She was really fun to meet w/ and I'm hoping to get to hang out w/ her some more... although it will be harder b/c our paths will cross less than we'd like.
Okay just kidding... there is one more... Pierre. He works w/me... actually sits right next to me. He's French, but he graduated from college in Flordia and then came here. He is my age and is a fun guy (meaning he is one of the few at my work that actually likes to talk and laugh). Its fun... sometimes interesting b/c I've haven't had any guy friends for awhile and I feel like he must know Kevin. The other night he came over to play poker w/us and it was fun- guess what? I won! haha. I suck but nobody can tell when I'm bluffing or not.. this is the second time in a row!
Thats it... I really wanted to tell you about these people b/c they are the ones that are on my mind the most, the ones that I really hope to become friends with, the people that I pray for whenever I can. I was also wondering if you would pray for them too... if it weighs your heart at all (if not thats totally okay).
And I am off to go see a movie!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
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