"Vote on Godly Principles"

This post is a response to an article you can find HERE.

Basically, in my opinion, this article is suggesting that our government is Christian and that Christians must be Republican. See some quotes and thoughts below:

“Former U.S. Congressman Bob McEwen addressed students during Monday’s convocation, reminding them of the principles and values the country was founded upon.”

Growing up in the Midwest and in a very religious household, I was taught that our country was founded on principles that aligned with the Christian religion. And since I’ve never really studied history or government or the founding fathers beyond elementary school – it seemed good to me, so I didn’t question it. On the west coast, however, where I now live, I’ve met a lot of people who don’t believe this all. “They” argue that the founding fathers were Deists at best… and that is a huge stretch of historical facts to tie their beliefs to anything else.

Regardless of their personal spiritual preferences, the founding fathers all agreed that the freedom of religion and spirituality was important enough to establish laws to protect. In the midst of this conversation, I think this is the part that matters most. And I am not sure that most Christians understand the implications of what this really means. In order to establish a country that believes in and protects religious freedom, a country cannot be founded on any one religion. They would have to figure out what was most essential and human and commonly valued by all – regardless of religion – and base the country on that… hence the development of the Constitution.

This would lead me to conclude that our country was based on the Constitution, not on Christianity. Our religious freedom is what makes us different than most other countries. If you elect a candidate solely because he promises, or claims, to base his decisions on one religion – you begin to take away that freedom for all those people that follow other religions. America is a country of diversity – we have Mormons, Muslims, Atheists, Hindus, Buddhists… our beauty is found in our diversity. We must protect our freedom.

Side note:
The article goes on to say, “"Fewer taxes give us more freedom. A strong defense protects our freedom, and that's what government should do." Well… that’s a matter of opinion. It depends heavily on what taxes do and who they serve. Our defense depends heavily on how we use it – not on the how enormous it is. In the days of war when men fought each other face to face with guns and knives, this might be more important. In today’s world of bombs and explosions – the less the better.

Office Halloween Party

My office had a Halloween party at lunch today that included a pumpkin carving contest and a costume contest. I was nominated to be a judge for both so I didn't have to dress up or carve anything! The picture above is me and the other pumpkin judges giving out our awards - the one I am holding up won the "least amount of effort" award (somebody just used a black sharpie to mark a smiley face on it) and the other happy-go-lucky design won the "cheery spirit" award. The one just behind me is the first place winner - a carved out design of Obama's face!

Death Row Doctors...

In the book Better: A Surgeon’s Notes on Performance, the author, Atul Gawande, interviews doctors that are involved in death row executions. I have to admit that when I think about whether I approve or oppose of the death row, the doctors that have to carry out the sentence are the farthest thing from my mind. The interviews were fascinating – how did they end up in this line of work, how does it effect their view of medicine, how does it effect their view of themselves… no unnecessary drama or guilt… just a conversation.

Atul Gawande discusses the oath that physicians take in order to practice medicine. Here is the original oath, translated from Greek into English (emphasis mine):

I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath.

To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.
I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.

I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.

But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.

I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.
In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.

All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.

If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot.

One of the questions Gawande asks the doctors is how their involvement with death row relates to this famous oath. Looking back over the wording of the actual oath, I understand that parts of it are clearly and obviously ignored by physicians now due to advancements in technology and law. However, regardless of whether a physician religiously holds to this oath or not, I tend to assume that they all continue to maintain a determination to cause no harm and to help those they serve. Hence my immense curiosities to hear what the physician’s thoughts on the subject are.

I believe that doctors aren’t required by law to be involved in executions… but have been requested due to accidents that happen with administering the doses… such as obese prisoners not dying immediately but slowly suffocating due to the paralysis they feel. Logically, we’d want a doctor to be there to cause the least amount of suffering while administering death, right?

The whole thing is slightly disturbing though I appreciate viewing this issue from another perspective. It helps me to rethink my opinions and views… to see a little bit more of the implications of some of the things we make removed decisions about. Though this has no relevance (that I know of) to any political discussions currently being engaged in our country – I wanted to write while the thoughts were still in my head…

political bread

This upcoming election is everywhere. Nearly every popular public place in Berkeley has people with campaign buttons and voter registration cards! You can't turn on the television without hearing the latest on Palin's fashion to Obama's grandmother. It's crazy! Regardless of the outcome, the energy and excitment in undeniable... at least in the SF bay. Even the local bakeries are getting involved!

my yelo

Two weekends ago, Mosaic hosted an event we call yelo. Here is the tagline from the website:

yelō uses the Gallup StrengthsFinder, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and Character Matrix to help individuals uncover their unique strengths and make their irreplaceable contribution to humanity. Join us for this unrivaled experience and discover the life you are created to live!

Our goal is to continue to develop yelo in order to impact and serve the Bay area - no strings attached, no set expectations or obligations for those who come. At this last event, my entire interiors team wanted to come! It was exciting to see how excited and interested they were in really making the most of this information.

So post-yelo we have decided to have one person a week, from the team of seven, share their strengths in their own words and then develop a few goals or tasks. I thought I'd volunteer to go first, as I've been exposed to yelo for a few years now and have had some extra time to think. I was so excited about it I wanted to post it for all my friends and family.

My top-five strengths:
Input:
I am inquisitive. I find so many things interesting – the world is full of variety and diversity and I am energized by keeping my mind fresh and open to knowing more. I am challenged by the unknown.

Intellection:
I am introspective. I am energized by taking time to process and reflect on the things I find interesting. I have a complex internal world – with my own board of directors. I like to pose questions to myself and try out different ideas. I am good at taking a lot of information and breaking it down into the most important or relevant parts.

Restorative:
I am energized by breaking down complexity and finding the core or source of problems/information. I thrive on independence and freedom – and being given the responsibility to find out different ideas/solutions.

Responsibility:
In the process, I tend to develop a psychological bond to the problems and information that I ponder. Because I am drawn to ideas and solutions, I am compelled to share them with those around me though I find the responsibility to carry them out to the maximum amount of detail to be overwhelming. I work best with clear boundaries… knowing what is expected of me.

Arranger:
I am committed to finding the best way or idea or solution possible. I am an example of “effective flexibility”, whether I am changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. Hence I will resist too much rigidity or structure – always keeping it open to change in case a better way is found.

Goals to develop strengths:
1. Organization: I can get lost in a sea of information and need to continue to develop effective systems to help retrieve or make the most of all the information.
2. Expression: I need to continue to find ways to express or share the information and thoughts that I develop.

Measurable Goals/Tasks for the office:
1. Making time to share ideas and information such as through in-house presentations, articles, or reviews.
2. Breaking down sustainability criteria into tangible tools other designers can use.
3. To be developed!

Racial Inequality

Recently, Kv had the pleasure of meeting the managing director of a local theatre. He was greatly inspired by her passion and vision for the Bay area and was compelled to see a performance there. So this weekend we went to see the play Yellowjackets, which was about Berkeley High School in 1993-94. The story was built around the students and staff involved with the high school newspaper that year. Through a series of controversial articles published in the paper, racial tension quickly emerged. The play was witty and compelling - I recommend it if you get a chance.

Another book I read earlier this year, but have yet to fully review, is Class Dismissed. It is also focused on BHS and the racial tension and inequality issues of the graduating class of 2000. The year I graduated…. though at that time I was in Kansas City. BHS seems to have developed a reputation as a microcosm of the country in this particular issue. It is the only high school in the city… with over 3,000 students of multiple ethnicities and material wealth. It provides an unending case study to sociologists, social justice, psychologists, professors, etc. Even walking by the campus – with its multiple buildings and formidable walls, ignites my curiosity. It reminds me of the high school I went to when we lived in Colorado… similar issues, similar student differences, similar prison looking buildings… though I never got the chance to graduate from there due to my family's relocation to KC.

My third encounter with this particular subject is also recent, regarding politics and race. Lately, NPR (National Public Radio) has been discussing the possible backlash that may occur regardless of which candidate gets elected next week. I am sure this topic isn't too surprising to anyone, yet it makes me feel so uneasy. A few weeks ago I awoke from a nightmare in which pro-White people randomly attacked African Americans throughout the country in retaliation. It wasn't too long ago that our country supported racial discrimination in the form of slavery. Can we keep this discrimination in the past where it belongs? I sure hope so.

Rockumentary

Last night we went and saw a “rockumentary” called Call and Response. I have to admit that I was reluctant to go specifically due to the intensity of the subject matter – Human trafficking/slavery. I tend to oppose subjecting myself to visually disturbing experiences under the guise of being able to relate or know more about a subject. I don’t need to see rape to understand the severity of its implications. I don’t have to see violence to understand its destructiveness. Yet somehow, I think our visual aid hungry society disagrees with me. Thankfully, this film didn’t.

I thought it was thoughtfully composed and creatively brilliant. Between different popular musicians playing a song on the subject matter, the film showed interviews with popular activists, photographs of some of trafficking’s victims and even provided commentary on some of the deep issues connected to this dark secret. I found the ability of the music to communicate passion and concern to be extremely powerful… penetrating the soul. I guess I hadn’t yet consciously connected the power of music with activism until I had it displayed right before me.

Never underestimate the power of music to create movement.

I really really needed to be reminded of that… to say the least.

Is that a good thing?

One of the senior members of my office told me I was "tenacious" today... in the context of sustainability and information. Tenacious is not a word I use very often - so I'm not entirely sure how to interpret it. I looked it up in the dictionary: holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold; highly retentive; pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate. I am assuming that tenacious is a good thing... unless, of course, she is referring to the stubbornness...

On another note, last night was my second indoor soccer game. It was… character development, to say the least. We were short two people while the other team had four or five substitute players. At half time, the score was 6 to 0. They scored 7 more goals in the twenty-five minutes of the second half. I barely survived – and I mean this in reference to my heart turning evil. There was day when I played with the mentality that if I was going to lose, I was going to make the other team feel it the next day, to say the least. But I kept my mouth shut and I kept playing for the dang ball… against all odds, I still believed I could score if I had one more good play…

What I love most about playing soccer is that – when I am playing soccer, that is all I am doing. I am all there. All that matters is where my teammates are and where the ball is. When I emerge from the field I’m returning from another world. Hence the reason it is all too easy to let my competitive side drive me… anywhere. It is good to get to play again!

Garbage Land

I just finished a book called Garbage Land and loved it! It is long past it's library due date thanks to my determination to write a review. And so, before I owe the library it's value to own, I try to write.


The book is written by a journalist in the New York City area that follows her household garbage to it's final destination - including landfills, recycling centers, compost facilities, etc. I really appreciate her writing style in that she included her own thoughts as she did the facts. It makes a book that covers a mundane topic (to most) very witty and revealing. She uncovers the secret paths of garbage as a detective a crime mystery. I learned many random and interesting things that I thought I'd briefly share with you. I have to warn you, some of this news is rather grim - but I think it's important to be educated - in hopes that we can make more thoughtful and wise choices every day.


Some random facts:

1. A ten ton garbage truck gets three miles to the gallon.

2. 125 years ago the kitchen trash can didn't exist. Until the late 1880s, the stove was the principal means of disposal.

3. The largest active landfill in the United States is located in Whittier, California.

4. Nearly all waste transfer stations, landfills, wastewater treatment plants are located in low-income neighborhoods and communities of color. There are multiple studies that indicate higher rates of cancer, leukemia, and birth defects affect those who live within 250 feet of a landfill.

5. Local household chemicals, such as cleaners and shampoos, eat away at plastic liners in buried landfill sites - allowing "leachate" to contaminate underground water. (A good reason not to throw them away... or even buy toxic stuff in the first place.)

6. The NYC mob ran the waste business for some time before Giuliani ran it out.

7. An average of sixty percent of household waste can be composted.

8. As paper is recycled over and over again, it's fibers become shorter, making it only usable in lower grade paper products like cereal and shoe boxes. Inks, glues and dyes reduce the number of times clean white paper can be recycled to four. After being recycled four times, the short fibers are used in things like kitty liter and potting soil.

9. Virgin paper-making depletes forests and uses more water than any other industrial process. It dumps billions of gallons of contaminated water (with chlorinated dioxin) into nearby lakes and rivers. The process of recycling paper cuts water usage in half, provides jobs, and creates a sell-able product.

10. It is better to throw kleen-x and tissues into the toilet b/c sewage treatment plants decompose organic waste and paper - in a landfill, they might not decompose at all (due to lack of oxygen) or if they do, they would produce methane gas (a greenhouse gas).

11. We ship most of our "recyclables" (such as metals and plastics) to third world countries, of which 50 percent is contaminated. This waste is left for ragpickers to go through - or sent to factories where women and children work for less than thirty cents a day.

12. Plastic is not recyclable as metal, glass and paper are. "Streams of mixed plastic can be turned into only one other product (plastic wood, garden pavers, or toothbrush handles, for example). When their useful life is over, these products cannot be 'recycled' again. They have to be burned or buried. Either way, they add toxins to the environment. Unmixed streams are another matter: they actually can be refashioned into bottles and containers. But there isn't much demand from their makers for recycled plastic. Virgin is so much cheaper." (Garbage Land, pg. 190, Royte)

13. Human waste treatment plants do not address hormones and antibiotics flushed down the toilet by hospitals and patients.

14. "Biosolids" - the part of human waste that is left over in treatment plants, and municipal sludge - is commonly used as fertilizer by large industry ran farms. The use of manure as fertilizer is not new, however, this human waste is often unregulated (or loosely regulated b/c they don't know what else to do with it). It may contain many chemicals - including the bleach and unused medicine we flush down the toilet.

15. "For every barrel of trash you set on the curb, there are 71 barrels of waste generated upstream, in manufacturing all the stuff you bought, used for just a short amount of time, and then consigned to the dump. Municipal solid waste is only 2 percent of the entire U.S. waste stream: the rest is manufacturing waste, agricultural waste, mining waste, construction and demolition debris, and other rarefied categories." (pg. 3, Reading Group Guide, Garbage Land, Royte.)

Changes we've thought about since reading this book:

1. Composting. See blog post below for more information. I was familiar with the concept but uneducated about the benefits and our city does most of the work :)

2. Giving preference to products with recycled content to help promote the continued collection and production of recycled material. This includes paper towels, toilet paper, printer paper, etc. It can also include clothing, decorative items, rugs and carpet, etc.

3. Becoming a "plastic free" household. We use glass containers for left-overs, wood cutting boards and counters, metal water bottles, etc.

4. Purchase with end of life cycle in mind - this might mean spending more money for a higher quality product that we can keep longer and use more. For example, we recently needed to buy a new shower curtain. I looked at so many stores - I got frustrated. Most stores only offered cheap, vinyl curtains. We finally found a washable, cotton curtain - but there was a noticeable cost difference. However, due to my recent reading and my field of work, I was determined to find an alternative to vinyl.

5. Getting more involved in the manufacturing and design of consumer goods - and hope to help by designing better products. Durable products that stand the test of time, are made of renewable materials and are free of toxic chemicals.

6. Attending our city's waste informational meetings. The city provides opportunities for locals to learn about how they collect and distribute waste. It is also a good opportunity to learn about upcoming changes. (SF is banning the throwing away of all "sharps" starting September 1st. Apparently their waste sorting team was getting stuck by too many needles.)

Secrets of the sidewalk

"Remain inside."

Twice this week I've been asked to remain inside due to violence or police activity outside. The first time was at the office... an email warns us to "avoid the back lot due to police activity". We all receive the email simultaneously and look up - a group of about 20 moves to the windows wondering what could possibly be happening out there. We see nothing but a cop or two walking around.. the action is just out of view and we return to our desks.

Then last night - we arrived at a pizza/bar place down the street from a friends. We arrived at 10:30 and saw police cars parked across the street... but no activity. It looked similar to a police car pulling somebody over on the side of the road. We wondered why there were five police cars and hardly any people even out.

Within minutes, as we sit inside and order pizza - the servers go to the front and lock the doors - as a person running by bangs on the glass of the windows. We are asked by the bar to remain inside with drinks on the house until the police release us. We watch as hundreds of youth take off running in the street - and as police take out rubber bullet guns. We suspect a gang fight and now understand the overload of cops earlier. They knew what was coming.

Within the hour the streets are cleared yet a few police cars remain to enforce the peace. The bar tells us we are free to leave and asks us to be careful as we walk home.

We walk outside... the streets the same as the often are. I feel a mixture of emotions... At first it is unreal and my curiosity far outweighs my sense of fear, or reality. Then sadness, as I realize this isn't the film set of an action movie, but the real lives of some of those who live here. Then fear - this is not a joke - we begin to honestly pray that nobody gets hurt.

It is here one minute and gone the next. As we walk back to the car I tread carefully on the sidewalk - oh the stories the concrete holds in silence...

Twice this week. Twice too much.

The Greenest City in California

According to the Daily Californian, I live in the greenest city in California - Albany. At least, politically. That means my city is the most politically environmentally minded group in the state. Are our political views reflected in the way we live our lives? The article believes so, as it evaluates the number of hybrids and LEED buildings. However, both of these things, LEED and hybrids, tend to appeal to the small minority of us that can afford them. But the simple and small things - inexpensive and unimpressive - we can all do. Such as compost - Albany picks up all your organic and garden waste and composts it for you. All you have to do is throw your green waste into the bin. According to the book, Garbage Land, sixty percent of our daily household trash is compostable. That includes food stained paper and cardboard, unused vegetables, coffee grinds, and grass clippings (if any of us actually had grass). The hardest part about it is taking the time to dump the greens - before your kitchen starts to smell :)

Another small step - biking (or cycling if you prefer). Granted, you have to purchase a bike... but $400 for a simple road bike compared to the cost of a car - with insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. - it will pay itself off within a month. The Bay area has already built in numerous bike lanes and routes - and provides websites to help you navigate the city, such as 511.org. The perceptions of biking have got to change - from something only upper class people who need to exercise do - to something everybody can do. Heck - I see homeless people riding bikes all the time (which is a good reminder to keep them locked when not in use.) We recently gave up one of our cars and I've been riding my bike to and from work every day. Thankfully, in the SF Bay area this is relatively easy to do as my office is only four miles away from our house and as the temperature is usually somewhere in the low 60s in the morning. Perfect for a less sweaty early morning ride :)

The last thing I'll mention today is partnering with a CSA (community supported agriculture) program. We have a delivery site for Full Belly Farm less than 200 feet from our house - and there are multiple delivery sites throughout the East Bay. This might not sound simple initially - and the cost might raise some doubt - but the $17 we pay twice a month provides almost too much vegetables for our small family to eat. It saves me a trip to the grocery store, keeps us seasonal and local, and I love the challenge of figuring out how to use all the stuff we get. Beyond that, the Ecology Center in Berkeley is determined to widen access to local farmer markets to make them more affordable for all. They have volunteers set up small sidewalk stores all over the city on different days of the week.

Waste reducing compost, oil free bike riding, and vegetable providing CSA's are some of those simple, inexpensive steps that all East Bay residents can aspire to - so that our "greenness" isn't measured just by hybrids and LEED buildings alone - but by the way we change our life in the small things.

Day 12 of 21

Barely hanging on. My determination to stick to the fast dissipated on day 11. I caved at dinner when a server put a bread basket right in front of my plate. I caved later that night when somebody gave me a gift basket full of chocolate. Man... am I feeling it today! I am not ready to quit though... and I think we'll make this last week more spiritual than the previous ones. The first two were more about detox and health. The last one will be about restraint and pursuing our community. That should help strengthen our resolve for the last seven days!

Though the results of the first 12 days haven't been near as dramatic or noticeable as I was hoping (at least for me), there are some things I've noted:
1. Meal planning is significantly quicker because the meals are simplified. Adding meat and dairy adds so much more complexity - so much more planning and preparation.
2. Meal planning is essential. I must think about what foods are available and plan ahead - to prevent moments of desperation for things that don't really satisfy.
3. Food is personal. We've had more conversations about food than I can count. Everybody's background and culture contribute significantly to the things we choose to eat.
4. We don't know much about food. In many of our conversations, we'll discuss our beliefs about food. One friend was fully convinced grapes were completely empty of vitamins. Another promises the skin is the most healthy part. Another person swears by tomato juice. We aren't even sure what "whole grain" even really is.
5. I'm tired. The first few days I'd fall asleep by 10pm. The night I caved and ate chocolate (at 9:30pm) I was up until 3am. All those dang sugars...
6. It is readily apparent how stubborn I am. Some days I will literally wait until I am starving before I'll eat a fruit or a vegetable or a nut or a grain.
7. Fruit and granola tastes great. This is one new food I am hoping to continue eatting after the fast.
8. It is cheap. Cutting out animal products cuts out a lot of cost.
9. I just want to eat some chocolate.

Nine more days left!

Day 3 of 21

We started a 21 day detox this week – in an attempt to help ourselves make “healthier” food choices by breaking some of our addictions (to meat, sugar, processed stuff). Our current food choices include all vegetables and fruit, whole wheats, oats, barley, etc., nuts and beans.

The first two days my excitement about getting healthier sustained me. Today, though, I don’t want to eat any of the approved foods. I am thankful that I spend most of my days at the office because it helps limit my access. Today I sat at my desk starting at my salad, thinking I’d rather go hungry than eat it. But eventually I gave in to my hunger and consumed the salad.

You may be laughing – thinking how hard can it really be? But we are not fruit and vegetable people! I keep hoping that somehow this will change my attitude towards vegetables. Maybe I’ll actually want to eat them! But as my initial excitement wears off, my hope slowly diminishes. Today I dread eating – not another vegetable or fruit or bean please!

Incomplete thoughts about pigs

The phrase "the pigness of pigs" keeps swirling around in my mind and I find my thoughts returning to it regardless of how irrelevant to the moment it is. I first came across this phrase as I was reading The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. In this section of the book he was visiting a truly organic small farm in Virginia and working alongside the interns and farmers. The day he used the phrase is the day he witnessed the pigs plowing through manure. Unfortunately I can't remember all the details (like what animals did the manure belong to, chickens or cows?) but I'll try to paint a vague picture so you'll appreciate the phrase as much as I did. I guess that pigs like something in manure and as they plow through it the hooves of their feet compost the pile into incredibly rich soil (which is then put over the fields). Pollan was explaining the complexity of relationships on the farm and how beautifully the entire system works together.



He was amazed as he watched their little tails wiggle as they worked their way through the pile. I guess pigs are relatively intelligent animals and can express happiness and also despair. On this little organic farm, the pigs wiggled their tails in pleasure. In factory farms, their tails are cut off so that as they move through the assembly line, the pig behind them won't be tempted to chew it – as they tend to do when in despair.


I am laughing as I type – here I am talking about manure and pig tails. Yuck! I can't believe the kind of stuff my gnawing curiosity will drive me to read!



The book continues with a discussion on how both the organic and factory farm pigs are, in a sense, exploited. One exploits them as a matter of efficiency and production, the other as a way of "celebrating" what the pigs naturally love to do. The small, organic farm had mastered "the pigness of the pigs."



One possible reason this phrase is soaking in my thoughts is because of its correlation to what I believe Mosaic is attempting to do (as I said, in my mind.) There is a type of church that exploits humans for the sake of safety. The other exploits humans as a tool of empowerment to change the world. Utilizing the "humanness of the humans" in a sense. I think that one type of church is convinced all "humanness" is bad while the other is attempting to empower the parts of "humanness" that reflect the image of God.



In the end, both pigs will be slaughtered and it is the meat that will determine their end value. Some may argue that since both ways achieve the same end – why does it matter what method was used to get them there? It is a valid question, to be sure, and one I don't think I can address in this post. I know I am leaving so much left undiscussed...



I know that as I write about this I am over-simplifying in great ways. The "pigness of the pig" doesn't easily translate into the "humanness of the human", especially if the farm is substituted for the church. However, I think its worth some thought – I know it will be in mind for quite awhile.

Person of Peace

Speak the Music event last week – an event dedicated to supporting the art of beatboxing. I absolutely LOVED it – I spent most of the night in awe of the all of the different sounds.

I caught my mind scheming about different ways to change myself to “fit in” here – to be more like them – with the music and passion I so admire.

Oh it all sounds so dumb in a post!!

Moving on… I don’t like to think of myself as one who wants to “fit in” at all. Normally I’d reject the idea altogether with a laugh. But then Speak the Music happened – and now I have undeniable proof – of my longing to be accepted. To belong.

For a lot of my life I’ve felt like I didn’t quite fit. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. I wasn’t skinny enough, fast enough, bold enough. I spent many years in silence being shy. I don’t remember speaking much at all in middle school. I went through so many stages – with every new crowd I’d try a new thing. Like that time I tried to be a “skater” for a month. I borrowed a black pair of Jinkos from a friend and pretended I could ride a skateboard. Then I tried the pot-smoking crowd. They were so friendly and accepting. But I really didn’t care to smoke, though I tried. Then there was the church youth group – but the only reason I fit there for awhile was because my mother convinced the older girls to have pity for me and take me in. (When they accidentally became my real friends, they told me the truth.) Then there was the gangster stage when I learned some slang, braided my hair, and pretended I was “street smart.” The list goes on and on… maybe I should call it “The People I tried to be”.

In the last few years, my disdain for myself has become unavoidable and readily apparent. I was never enough… for me. Of course I could blame it on my parents, but as the time continues to pass and the distance between us grows, it becomes more of a stretch. I can’t keep blaming others for the things I chose to believe.

I spent so many years as a wanderer – lost – searching. I traveled around the world – to China, Europe, Africa, and South America – all in search of myself.

I remember why I hated living in Los Angeles so much. It wasn’t me and I wasn’t enough. The flawless beauty and fashion of the women around me only helped me remember myself as plain and ordinary. I remember a year and a half into it, when I finally found the words to say “I don’t like who I’ve become.”

What then? Where do you go next? I had to endure. I survived. My determination outweighed my faintness of heart. Because although I may be lost – I am not a quitter. (Though I quit like 15 jobs in high school – but that was then.)

Then, finally, we moved here. Here. I determined last night that regardless of whether or not I ever married Kevin, we (God and I) would have eventually came here. I don’t know how long it would have taken – but we would be here. This is my place of peace. This is the time for my heart to heal and accept who I am and who I am not… and live. There is something to be said about a person of peace. I want to be that person.

Season of Silence

I’ve been on a reading binge. My hunger for knowledge and new information compels me to retreat into my thoughts. With every page, I feel myself pulled deeper and deeper – into the expanses of my mind. It is an unending voyage. I could set sail and disappear forever in the adventures of the infinite horizon.

Though the ring of my cell phone quickly brings me back to the front porch where I now sit, it takes me nearly a half hour to transition my mind – to tie up the boat and step back onto the dock. Promises to return help calm my irritation.

Back in the busyness I feel slightly awkward and out of place. Not much has changed since I’ve been gone – but I feel so different. I even begin to wonder if I left my social skills behind… or if I ever had them to begin with. I want to apologize and tell them not to worry, “I am just an introvert,” yet those words make me cringe. I do not want to be misunderstood. I love people. The intensity of my curiosity could drive me to devote hours and days and weeks and months to studying their thoughts. I could stand in silence forever just to be able to listen to their voices.

Iron Jawed Angels

Ishmael the Gorilla, Part II

Did God stop creating once man was created?
Was the world created for man... or was man created to be part of all creation?
What did the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil represent?
What if we had ate from the Tree of Life instead?
Does intelligence evolve over time?

To use a metaphor that Ishmael mentioned, I feel like a tourist in my hometown. Residents don't act like tourists because they don't need to - they know their land. They know the monument that sits in the town square and the boats that sail in the bay. There is no need to revisit them and take pictures to refer back to - for they are embedded in our minds and in our consciousness - or are they? I feel like a tourist in my hometown. I thought I knew what it looked like, but at a second glance I am surprised. Is this what I saw last time I was here? Is this what the tourists see?

Everybody has colored lenses that they view life through. Our lenses are built from our past - our experiences, our thoughts, our personalities, our talents, our hopes, our dreams... they are uniquely ours. Often times it seems we search for people in life that have similar lenses to our own. Its only natural I think - a result of an innate desire to belong to someone, with something. To belong.

And now I'm twenty five. There is nothing special about my age - but it has changed my quest - my search. My desire to belong has not disappeared, nor has it been checked off as if I've managed to complete it - a new quest has merely filled my time and my thoughts. I can't quite name it yet and I hesitate to do so. As if slapping on a name would confine the quest in unexpected ways. All I know is this - before I was even aware of what I was doing, I've managed to slip on different pairs of lenses. Lenses so different, sometimes contrasting, to the one I once refused to live without.

At times I feel fear - as if I'm losing my mind or on the verge of going crazy. At other times I feel enlightened - as if I'm seeing life for the very first time.

I'll leave you with a quote from Ishmael, a very different, abstract lens...
"In other words, the world doesn't need to belong to man - but it does need man to belong to it. Some creature had to be the first to go through this, had to see that there were two trees in the garden, one that was good for gods and one that was good for creatures. Some creature had to find the way and if that happened, then there was just no limit to what could happen here. In other words, man does have a place in the world, but its not his place to rule. The gods have that in hand. Man's place is to be the first. Man's place is to be the first without being the last.
Ishmael, pg. 243, Daniel Quinn

Ishmael the gorilla

Last night I started reading the first book I’ve ever checked out of the library (at least since we’ve moved here) – Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. The book immediately captivated me and as I sit in my office this morning, I dream about being able to read again. Nine more hours till I get to re-enter into the adventure… nine more hours.

While I wait, and as I work, I think about what I’ve read so far. In the two chapters I’ve had the pleasure of reading, the book talks about the captivating effects of culture. Like an animal forced to move forward in a stampede – so the movement of culture can make us face a direction we didn’t exactly choose. It talks about how culture whispers to us constantly – a voice so consistent that it disappears into the background. Like a constant buzzing – it is always there, just under the radar of our consciousness.

My thoughts wander to a news update I heard this morning as the alarm went off. It was a report from Texas about the upcoming elections. The reporter was interviewing a few people from one of those massive mega churches. When asked about who they would vote for, the Christians remarked, “Well of course we’re voting for Huckabee because he’s a Christian.” After a few more seconds, and a few more comments directed at Hillary and the roles of women in leading, I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to turn it off. I calmed myself by imagining that if I silenced my radio it somehow silenced it to the rest of the world.

Now back to culture – I ponder the relationship between Jesus and culture. He was magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural at the same time. The more I learn about him, the more I admire his mysticism and genius. The church, or rather the body of believers that follow Jesus, have a difficult model to imitate. When I think about the Texas mega Christians I can’t help but think they missed it – they thought that creating their own sub-culture apart from the “worldly” one would be sufficient… but, in my opinion, it only led to estrangement and alienation of others different from them. I say this, realizing how tempting it is to do just this – to create a safe place, a refuge – to keep moving forward with culture yet feel protected by your own walls. I could easily fall into making the same choices – but my location and my experience have led me down a different path from them. Indeed, I’m sure I’ve created my own walls around different subjects and for different purposes – but we’ll save that discussion for another day.

So what does this look like – how will we do it – be magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural? I don’t think I can figure it out today, or on my own accord, but I’m excited for the journey.

Take Back My TV