Red buffer zones

A "speech" I gave to a group of artists at Mosaic:

In my third year of college I had one of those red puff daddy jackets with down feathers inside. They were really popular at that time… and really warm- as Kansas weather could be quite frigid and windy during the winter. I used to wear it everywhere- to class, to meet a friend, for dinner, to a house party. It became so comfortable to me- a part of my wardrobe that I realized once it was on, I rarely took it off. One particular night stands framed in my memory… I was at a house party with a lot of people that I didn’t know. Although it was quite cold outside, I realized the house was warm and I grew hot in my jacket… but something within me resisted taking it off… because I didn’t know many people there I felt uncomfortable and I was clinging to the jacket for comfort. It was safe and reliable and somehow I felt, hid my insecurity. It gave me a sense of control in an unfamiliar place- as if to say “I don’t have to reveal really who I am just yet”. It was a barrier, a wall, between my heart and the unknown and although it made me feel a temporary sense of security- it allowed me to keep to myself and stay inside in a sense. My comfort became my barrier.

Fortunately, I got so hot I had to take it off for fear of looking ridiculous. And I quickly realized that I was just as okay without it on as I was wearing it. The memories of that night stayed in my mind, and I began to see the other coats I wore in different situations and how I had a tendency to hide when things were awkward.

I also found that trying to tell myself to take them off wasn’t much of a motivator and that my warnings to myself couldn’t keep up with the awkwardness that I would feel. The best way for me to stop hording my coats to myself in a sense, was if I started thinking about how I could share them, or give them away to others. Because I don’t think it is necessarily bad to have things of comfort around or to be comfortable in a certain thing for a certain time, but I knew I had a tendency to depend on them or to refuse to let them go when they were no longer needed.

An example of this is my first week at my professional job just over a year ago. I was fresh out of college, inexperienced, in an intimidating environment and it was easy to come to work and hide at my desk and just do what I needed to be done. Plus I told myself since I was the new one; it was the responsibility of those already there to get to know me. I soon realized though, that is not the way it worked at this particular place. As soon as I realized how I was taking comfort and how it was a barrier to relationships there, I decided to just do something simple and make a point to greet everybody first thing in the morning, as soon as I got there. It sounds so simple, but I was amazed at how some people really weren’t into being friendly in the morning or how people let the demands of the day take over their decisions. Then one morning, I ran into another quiet girl at the office and asked her about her weekend… she didn’t even say a word before the tears formed in her eyes and she looked away. She told me about some frustrations she was having with her fiancé… and until that time, nobody at the office even knew she was engaged yet.

I found that not only did giving my coat away set me free to experience new things, it also seems to encourage others that are hiding to step out and reveal themselves, at least a little bit.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all today is because I just started another new job two weeks ago and have had to face more uncomfortable situations… but I know they will pass soon if I refuse to let myself hide. I also wanted to encourage you all with my story, to examine the things that we take comfort in and how they can become a barrier. In hopes that not only will you learn new things about yourself, but that you’d start to see them in others as well.

Last day at JMKA

Today is my last day at JMKA. I am honestly sad, at least in some ways. We've had our difficulties, but we've had some great times too. I actually enjoyed the hour bus rides in the morning- it was great time to be by myself before the craziness of the day took over. I will miss my co-workers who have now become my good friends. I will miss walking around the nearby neighborhoods at lunch and sitting on the steps of random apartment complex's to read. I might miss the never ending private middle school project that always lingers on my desk... though I doubt it.

I start my new job on Monday at Klawiter... an architecture and interior design firm. I must admit, I am a little surprised that I am staying with this interiors business but... it just wasn't time to give up on it yet.

The subway and a 30 minute commute await me... but for now I am here and tears threaten to show when I think of my co-workers and how I won't get to see them everyday anymore!

Disneyland

HaHa- notice the scores! This is a rare moment- I won! Don't you love those competitive married couples?