The Glass Wall

(Written in 2007 while living in Los Angeles. I recently shared this journal entry at a Mosaic gathering a few weeks ago. I was talking about knowing God versus experiencing God... and here is just one example of when my human knowledge failed me - and I just needed to speak to Him, my Friend.)

Friend,
What is blocking me from the fullness of You?
I want to be close to You but I stand enclosed behind a glass wall.
I can see You; I can hear Your voice; I see Your hand pressed against the glass but I keep hiding.

It is so strange; sometimes I scream and cry for help and beat against the glass... and sometimes I find a strange pleasure, a secret comfort in this division of space.
I tell myself it keeps me independent and strong. And I keep pushing myself forward.
When I feel insecure, I push myself even harder.

Sometimes I turn my back to the glass in defiance and feel the rush of resistance in my veins.
Sometimes I fall down in front of the glass and feel the coldness of the floor.
It invades my body and my heart and I feel so alone.

Still other times I stand staring into it as though looking into a mirror.
I see all the things I will never be and all the things I cannot touch and I beat myself.
My fear of physical pain protects me though so I beat myself internally.
I tear my own heart apart before you, convinced it is what I deserve.

Again I see Your hand pushed against the glass and I hesitate.
I am afraid to touch You. I just stand like a statue and stare.

Sometimes the glass is so clear I forget it is there. I can taste the freedom and even live in it for awhile.
But then it hits me in the face as though running straight into a wall.
And in my anger I return to the place I was before. I beat myself.

And so I stand here again, like a statue, watching Your hand pressed against the glass.
I feel the shame of rejecting You as I stand.
But I am afraid my heart is too weak and you'll see it.
I can't bear for You to see the weakness of my spirit.

Suddenly I hear You slowly whisper, "Maybe it's not as bad as you think."
Your simple words catch me off guard and I move towards You.
Before I can regain the strength to resist I decide.
Okay.
I'll put my hand against the glass too... and maybe... What now? Tell me, my Friend.

Winter in the SF Bay

All day nearly every day - thru February and March. Hope this helps end the drought.