unfiltered

Shared Pain - Versions 1 through 5

2011-04-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Based on all of the research and feedback I've received so far, I created a few more versions of the Shared Pain idea for your review.

Version 1 is a repeat of the Cracked Version introduced earlier so I'm not posting it here. Version 2 is focused on intensity and color. The pattern increases in size as pain increases and this band experiments with color. Blue represents less pain while red represents the most pain.

Versions 3 and 4 are based on survey results - how people imagine pain in color and image. As most people said they see pain as a bottomless hole or a burning sun, I created abstract images to represent this. The sufferer can wear a simple color band based on their personal preference. Do you see pain as blue to red or as a gradient from white to gray? In the cases shown, white and blue would equal less pain while black and red would equal the most pain. These versions are an attempt to move away from focusing on pain intensity to how pain feels.

And finally, Version 5 is based on animal metaphors. I asked a few people, "If your pain were an animal, which one would it be?" and several people said "eel" so I created an awareness band (no electronics or communication) inspired by this idea. I think the animal metaphor allows people to focus on how they feel rather than on the amount of pain they experience. Supporters and friends can wear it to raise awareness on how chronic pain feels.

My contact information: If you would like to participate in my research in any way, please contact me directly via email at niknox@gmail.com

Thank you!

How would this really work?

2011-03-30T08:48:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to answer this question, I am trying to recruit people to test out a simplified version of the Shared Pain bands described earlier. Volunteers are given two simple bands (no electronics) to test out sending pain updates to a chosen friend or relative using existing technology such as a cell phone or computer. The band would simply act as a reminder (in this case). Please see the photo below for more information. If you would like to participate, please let me know ASAP. Thank you!

Pain in color, word and image

2011-03-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

These images are based off a discussion I've been having with the Heroes of Healing online community. I posted the questions - what color is your pain? If you could visualize it at its most intense moment, what would you see? What words or phrases would you use to describe this color experience?

And this is what people said...

Design Research: Do you have chronic pain?

2011-03-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to recruit people with chronic pain for my research, I created this sign and posted it at pain clinics throughout the East Bay and San Francisco.

Thank you to all those who responded and participated! Your stories helped me understand how people experience chronic pain and how this affects your everyday life.

In order to understand what your experience is in a visual way, we completed the following exercises:

Again, thank you to all who participated!

My research is ongoing, so if you or any one you know are still interested in sharing your story and experiences with me through the above exercises, please let me know!

Shared Pain Design Idea

2011-02-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

This is a set of communication devices I've designed to help strengthen relationships between people who experience chronic pain and those who do not (their friends, family, etc.)

STEP 1:
The kit comes with two bands - one for the person with chronic pain (the sufferer for lack of a better term) and the empathizer (the family member, friend, etc.) First, using the Wong Baker pain scale currently used by doctors and nurses, both people sit down together and create their own pain scale using terms they can both relate to and understand.

STEP 2:
This is how the Sufferer's (person with chronic pain) band works. It comes with six embedded sensors hidden behind fabric. The fabric has a cracked pattern on it - symbolically representing the different stages of pain. The person in pain presses the pattern that best represents their current pain level. The bluetooth device (wireless) sends this information to their friend's band.

STEP 3:
This is the family member's/friend's (empathizer's) band works. When it receives the signal from the other, an image appears that represents their friend's pain level. The band appears either more or less cracked depending on the pain level of their friend.

This is a quick mock-up of what it might look like in size.

Things I am now wondering about:
1: SIZE - is this the best size? It is large enough to be clearly seen and it's large size allows it to be used to increase public awareness through conversations, etc.
2: PATTERN - I chose a cracked pattern in an attempt to give an invisible experience a visual image. Does it have any negative connotations that I am not aware of?
3: USABILITY - What could be explained better? What could be easier to understand or use?

You can heal others...

2011-01-18T13:34:00.000-08:00

Human beings have the ability to give healing to one another in ways that technology and modern medicine can never replicate. The simple act of looking at the photograph of a loved one can enable a person to endure more pain than he/she thought possible. The small touch of a mother to her infant can bring a level of comfort and security that can never be made up for later in life. Studies show that the elderly who continue to live in the neighborhoods in which they raised their families far outlive their friends who are removed to special care communities. These are just a few of the examples that demonstrate the power of human care and support for one another. Our actions toward people can reduce pain, prolong and even enhance the quality of life. That said, this special power is often overlooked or ignored in times of crisis. Instead, we focus on the complex systems and medical technology that we have built for ourselves – for our comfort and healing. All too often, though, we are left with more misery, more isolation, and more suffering because we trust science alone to heal.

It is not that technology and scientific developments are evil in and of themselves, but that in our age of realism and pragmatics, we lose sight of the other human aspects that make these advancements even stronger and more effective. This idea is beginning to gain momentum in movements such as the Mind/Body medicine movement currently being explored by doctors and medical professionals. Dr. Ron Anderson, coauthor of “Medical Apartheid – An American Perspective”, says, “I’m afraid the technology, the wonderful drugs, and the power we have now sometimes substitute for the attitude of caring.” Though the Mind/Body medicine movement is focusing more on the doctor/patient relationship, the power of touch, and caring as a way to bring unexpected healing to patients, Dr. Anderson maintains that sometimes the most effective thing he can do is depend on a patient’s community and family.

Mind/Body medicine or a “biopsychosocial and epidemiological model” are both complex ways of explaining a simple phenomenon - people need each other. Why are we waiting for science to affirm what centuries of human history have already proven? Why are we so quick to forget this truth? Ivan Illich, an Austrian philosopher, explains how different cultures instruct their participants to suffer with subprograms that include the appropriate words, drugs, myths and models. In his opinion, “Medicalization deprives any culture of the integration of its program for dealing with pain.” Due to an American tendency to focus on disease and biology, we too have a limited view of suffering that largely neglects the psychological, mental, and emotional experiences of a patient in need of care. It is possible that we inflict unnecessary suffering on others by allowing our relationships to diminish in the face of illness. We watch as our hospitals and doctors pull us away from each other, and we understand the reasoning – the need for sanitation and infection control. In the process, we have misunderstood the power of human connection and the healing that we could give to one another if we only knew how to offer it.

The Empathy Illness Objects

2010-11-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

I need your opinions:

Storyline:
A friend (Samantha) is struck with a chronic illness of some sort. They may or may not be bed-ridden but the illness is severe enough to disrupt their daily lives. Samantha's friend, Roberto, is unsure of what to do. As a non-sick person, he is not sure how to relate to Samantha's condition. Therefore, he goes online and orders a set of the "Empathy Illness Objects" for himself and Samantha. The set includes two objects - one for Roberto and one for Samantha. Roberto carries his around with him at all times - it serves as a reminder of Samantha. Samantha puts hers in a highly visible place where she will be able to see it repeatedly throughout the day.

Roberto's object requires his attention and care. It sporadically vibrates, beeps, or lights up to remind him of his friend and to simulate what having a chronic illness could be like. Chronic illness affects one of every five Americans. If we do not die an accidental tragic death, most likely we will experience a chronic illness sometime during our life. When Roberto responds to his object, it sends a signal to Samantha's object - reminding her of her community that cares for her.

This object set addresses three needs:
1 - It reminds Samantha of her friends and those who love her, therefore helping her endure whatever illness she is facing (in some subjective measure).
2 - It allows Roberto to stay connected to his friend and reminds him to think of her.
3 - It allows Roberto to undergo a small symbolic simulation of what a chronic illness could be like. A chronic illness acts up unexpectedly and requires your attention. Your response matters, for your own sense of health as well as for others involved.

I need your opinions:
1 - After reading through this scenario, what are your initial thoughts? Does it make sense? Would you be interested in using it?
2 - If you are Samantha, what kind of object would you prefer to have? Would it be a decorative object such as a photo frame that lights up, a functional object that you use for something else in addition to this? What type of object would be most helpful to you in this situation?
3 - If you are Roberto, what kind of object would you prefer to have? Would it be abstract and conceptual - something you add to the things you already carry around each day? Or would it be more functional - attaching to a beltloop or something so you wouldn't forget it?

Please feel free to comment. The project is an exercise... I value all honest feedback!!!!

The "Sick" and the "Not-Sick"

2010-11-07T20:57:00.001-08:00

I had to submit a rough draft of my thesis abstract last week. This is what I have for now:

Paul Cowen, journalist and author, described his 1987 encounter with leukemia as, “being exiled to the land of the sick.” He had, as we all do, unconsciously drawn a line between the sick and the not-sick. All of us, if we are fortunate enough to escape an accidental death, will have to face a chronic illness such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes or Alzheimer’s. All of us, whether we accept or deny it, will have to cross the threshold between the sick and non-sick as Cowen once did.

For my thesis, I will design conceptual objects and experiences that expose the cultural tension between the “sick” and “not-sick”. Inspired by the Critical Design practiced by Dunne and Raby, I will design prototypes that challenge the social and psychological behavior around these issues. I believe that design can bring complex social issues, such as cultural attitudes towards pain and sickness, to our attention. I believe that designers can be facilitators of change by boldly exploring questions that are typically ignored or overlooked by the market place.

My final project will include a series of prototype objects as well as the interviews and observations of those who volunteer to seriously engage with them. The ultimate purpose of this project is to spark empathy and compassion in the not-sick, or rather the “not yet sick”.

Revised Pain Scales

2010-10-24T10:41:00.001-07:00

I created revised Wong Baker pain scales with the results from the "Art of Suffering" survey. The original pain scale is incredibly limiting and short sighted. I've tried to expand the pain scale to consider a wider range of possibilities in hopes of revealing the many different ways pain is interpreted and experienced. What do you think? Which one is your favorite? (I made six versions.)

The original Wong Baker pain scale:

The Attitude Pain Scale:

The Comparative Pain Scale:

The Distraction Pain Scale:

The Expression Control Pain Scale:

The Posture Pain Scale:

The Stimuli Pain Scale:

The Art of Suffering - Survey Results

2010-10-15T14:02:00.001-07:00

Here are the results from the Art of Suffering survey I created this week.

Thank you to all who generously participated with time and thoughtfulness!

Recall a time in which you were suffering physical pain. What words or expressions describe the experience?

What gestures or postures describe the experience?

How do you manage your pain?

What myths/ideas help you understand the role of pain in life?

Whose behavior do you admire or seek to imitate when suffering with pain?

All visuals were created using Wordle. Of the 30 people that participated in the survey, most were between the ages of 20-30 and are not currently experiencing a chronic pain illness.

One Week Thesis

2010-09-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Had to pretend our entire thesis was due in one week's time so I threw together a fun and slightly crazy called "A Brief History of the Fear Pheromone."

Please comment - I won't take it personal. It was an exercise - I tried designing a sci-fi future in 2033.

What do you think? How does this short video (1.5 minutes long) make you feel?

What I am thinking about these days

2010-09-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

It is thesis year. I have till May 2011 to come up with a thesis project that includes several designed "things" and written work. Two weeks in and I've hit the ground running. It helps that I took all summer to ponder, muse and entertain odd thoughts.

So here's what I've been thinking.

Critical Design. Part art object, part social science, part design.

Check out this short youTube video, Critique on Critical Design, to learn more about what it is. It's unusual, new, provoking... awkward. But awesome :)

Jesus didn't save me...

2010-07-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'll dare to say it...

Lately I've been considering the thought,

"If Jesus died for my sins, He failed, because I still sin. He didn't save me from my sins at all."

Because guess what? I still sin! "Sin" meaning causing others pain, doing things I don't want to do like getting mad or sad, thinking only of myself, etc. It is true that Jesus motivates and inspires me to love others... and that in the midst of "sin" He renews my perspective and changes my focus.

But I still sin.

For a long time, I didn't know how to accept this. If I love Jesus and do this whole Christian thing, why do I still sin? Why do others, whom I respect, who've spent countless hours praying and reading the Bible, still hurt me? It just doesn't make sense. And quite honestly, it sounds like a lot of effort for little result.

Or I've simply missed the point. And the classic Christian saying, "Jesus saved me from my sins," leaves out an awful lot of important information.

I can already hear my mother saying, "But Jesus saves us from the consequences of our sin!" Okay I can see that, sort of... or not, because I still have to face the consequences when I hurt a friend or am self-absorbed, etc. But I know she is referring to the illusive "Hell" - the dark, scary place that little is actually known about.

In fact, I did a little research on it. "Hell" turns out to be quite a confusing idea. Jesus Himself referenced several different types of hell. It's as though the Bible couldn't make up its mind. If you would like more information about this study - please reference Bruxy Cavey and the podcast "Hell" recorded 11/23/08 as part of the Beyond the Grave series.

I am not a Christian because I am afraid of hell. That just sounds, well, sad - and means that all Christian faith is really motivated by fear. "Become a Christian, or else... you'll go to hell!" I know that's why I became one when I was four years old. I came into my parents room crying, "Please don't let me go to hell!"

Is that really the reason we believe?

I sure hope not.

So if I am not a Christian to avoid sin or to escape hell, then why am I one?

To live free now.

Not free from sin (or the act of sinning)....

But free from guilt and condemnation. In fact, with Jesus, I can "sin" better. I can hurt your feelings, realize I did it, then do something about it. I realize that people are able to do this frequently without God's help... to some extent. But I've seen inside my soul and know its potential to do evil, and I know how weak willed I can be to do what I know is right. Exhibit A would be ice cream. I just know I shouldn't eat more of it... but oh I want it so bad.... God strengthens me, compels me, to embrace courage when I just couldn't find it within myself. And saves me from this sickening guilt I often feel when "my dark side" wins.

I am free from trying to do everything on my own. From trying to be "good" and do good on my own effort. It's exhausting, trying to be perfect. With Jesus, I can let go of that unrealistic expectation and embrace reality. I am imperfect and this is a beautiful thing. He is God and I am not. If only I would quit trying to be a god...

I am free to heal. He heals me when people just can't. When nobody will apologize. When I just can't find what I am looking for in anything I do - no matter how hard I work, how much I play. I move from constantly striving... to peace. I base my identity in how He sees me - which frees me from anchoring it to any of the thousand unstable options available in our world. Which oddly, frees me to adjust quicker and changes my perspective.

He frees me. Now. From too many things to list in a blog (you would get bored). So I am trying to think of a better, shorter way to sum it all up, because when people ask, "Why are you a Christian?" I just can't say, "Because Jesus died for my sins and saved me from hell." It just simply won't do.

Lighted dancers

2010-05-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just thought this was interesting....

"The dancers' suits were outlined in multiple colors of EL, with an intentionally "loose" aesthetic that made them appear to be live dancing versions of a sketch."

EL wire: thin electroluminescent wire that looks like neon when hooked to a power source.

Love your neighbors...

2010-05-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

"If I define my neighbor as the one I must go out to look for, on the highways and byways, in the factories and slums, on the farms and in the mines - then my world changes. This is what is happening with the 'option for the poor,' for in the gospel it is the poor person who is the neighbor par excellence...

But the poor person does not exist as an inescapable fact of destiny. His or her existence is not politically neutral, and is not ethically innocent. The poor are a by-product of the system in which we live and for which we are responsible. They are marginalized by our social and cultural world. They are oppressed, exploited proletariat, robbed of the fruit of their labor and despoiled of their humanity. Hence the poverty of the poor is not a call to generous relief action, but a demand that we go and build a different social order."

Gustavo Gutierrez, The Power of the Poor in History

Gustavo Gutiérrez Merino, O.P., (born 8 June 1928 in Lima) is a Peruvian theologian and Dominican priest regarded as the founder of Liberation Theology. He sees that among the poor there is an “absence of recognition of their own human dignity and of their condition as daughters and sons of God”.

Another take on taxes.

2010-05-14T14:06:00.001-07:00

Taxes are a way of buying into our government,

As a stakeholder buys shares into a corporation.

When you invest your resources,

You are more likely to invest your interest -

You care more because it involves your contribution,

And you care about your money

(Sometimes more than anything else).

A government that receives no money from its people,

Finds money elsewhere.

(From oil, for example.)

And it no longer needs to be as concerned about its people.

This is the story of a Middle East country,

As I hear it from my Middle Eastern friends.

Do we want our government to be like a business -

Whose primary concern is profit,

Or do we want a government who cares about its people -

Their rights, voices, and needs?

Pay taxes. Your government needs you and you need it.

Note: The author acknowledges that governments are inherently corrupt, however she maintains a naive belief that all human systems are redeemable. Furthermore, she has not found another system with less faults and is not willing to give up on the progress made so far - remembering those who work tirelessly for freedom in the past and in the present.

modern dance

2010-05-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I'll force myself to attend a modern dance performance. I'll find out about one either through a friend or an advertisement and I'll think "I should go because as a designer, this is an art form I should care more about." Or more honestly, "I should go because I want to be perceived as someone who cares about all art forms." And so I found myself, once again, sitting in a darkened theater, waiting for a performance to begin last Friday. The thick, traditionally red curtains drew back and twenty something dancers in pastel leotards began to rhythmically step onto the stage. I recognized one dancer, our friend, Chelsea - the one who had invited us to this particular performance - though the dancers are hard to identify due to their similarities in form, hair style, and makeup.

I quickly realized that this was not the normally boring modern dance performance. First of all, the movements struck me as odd, particularly in their abruptness. Graceful, precise movements were mixed with quick sharp energy - a sudden nod of the head or shrug of the shoulders, for example. Some movements were filled with resistance, as though they were fighting the temptation to transform into an R&B step expected from those such as Lady Gaga.

Secondly, the dancers touched each other, which I also found odd. Their movements were carefully choreographed to overlap - clasping hands, bending and twisting over one another. In other performances, I've noticed a sense of isolation between the dancers - though they may be together on the stage, they individually complete similar moves as one might expect from a field of robots. These dancers were dependent on each other - each part had to work perfectly together to complete the whole - but beyond that, they changed each other's movements and paths. I know the entire performance is planned, yet it almost seemed as though they got to choose what to do and had to change their choices based on what the others did.

Thirdly, I was able to notice themes of meaning with each set. Normally in modern dance, I pretend that I understand a deeper meaning - as though some movements represent sadness while others joy. This time I didn't have to pretend or imagine - they communicated their message clearly with the music tempo, type, title, and selected movements. I felt as though I understood - which in my previous modern dance experience is rare.

A breath of fresh air full of meaning and depth, this modern dance performance was surprising and inspiring. Either this dance company is brilliant or I am finally "old" enough or "cultured" enough to get it. I'll conclude that San Francisco's Lines Ballet is truly brilliant.

something politically positive...

2010-02-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

Michelle Obama talks about her nationwide campaign to fight childhood obesity called "Let's Move."

Political party preferences aside, I think childhood obesity is a serious concern and am thankful for the media/conversations/awareness this campaign has launched. I look forward to hearing how they intend to achieve these goals - especially from a "top down" approach.

Berkeley has some pretty creative solutions that I am really proud of... such as Alice Waters' Elementary School Edible Garden Project and the Berkeley Ecology Center's plans to help local farmers markets accept food stamps.

What do you think?

(childhood obesity... not if you like Michelle or not :)

Capp Street: Albany Waterfront

2010-01-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

Twice in the last month I've managed to put Kevin into a panic concerning my safety. I love to walk and explore and sometimes I'll leave for a walk and wont return for several hours. This month, I've spent hours walking around one place - the Albany Waterfront. I want to "figure it out" - see who is there, what is there, and why. It is an unusual space; at times seeming purposely composed and at other times as though the whole park was created on accident. It is full of tension and opposing forces. I am drawn to the tension - frequently musing about how to resolve its strangeness.

This week, I took my camera along and tried to capture some of these relationships by photo. But first, I'd like to give you a better idea of where the waterfront is located. The first map shows the SF Bay area...

This second map shows the waterfront park up close - the dots and numbers correspond to where I took the photos.

This first photograph captures the tension between Beauty/Water/Solitude and Traffic/Busy/Noise. There is a sandy beach, waves gently crashing into the rocks with industrial fragments/waste and a freeway lingering in the horizon. The noise is inescapable.

The next two photos symbolize growth versus decay. Both are happening at once. Bricks poke up out of the ground as you walk... Concrete chunks sit in the water... yet both are surrounded by green, growth and vitality.

I was very surprised (though in retrospect I should have not been) to see people secretly living on the waterfront. Some of the side trails led past several tents. People claim some of the land as their own and carve out their unique space. I didn't take many photos because I felt intrusive. Thankfully it was early in the morning and nobody really seemed to be awake.

Visitors, on the other hand, were primarily dog walkers/joggers. They didn't venture too far out onto the peninsula - perhaps they had previously wandered too far as I had.

A large part of the waterfront is fenced off for restoration projects. One of the photos below shows signs put up along the beginning of the fence. A wood fence is only used near the entrance - it soon turns into the standard metal wire/chain link.

This photo shows two paths - I noticed this as I was walking out, back to my own neighborhood. The path to the left, unpaved, belongs to the restoration while the path to the right, manicured and mowed, belongs to the neighboring racetrack. I find it ironic that there are two paths right next to each other. Did the racetrack decide to just ignore the existing path in an attempt to pretend it didn't exist?

As I wandered further out I found larger piles of waste, including bundles of twisted metal, molding stretches of carpet, and discarded insulation. At the tip of the peninsula I found sculptures (made by visitors or residents?). This perfectly represented the tension between sculpture and junk. To one it is merely a medium for creative expression, to another it symbolizes the end of an idea.

I have seen random pamphlets around Albany inviting proposals to develop this land. I wonder what will come of it... will it become more "civilized" as it's neighbor, the Berkeley Marina, or will it maintain it's junk/raw character?

Designers to create change

2010-01-27T11:12:00.001-08:00

Cameron Sinclair, of the Open Architecture Network, says, "We believe that where resources and expertise are scarce, innovative, sustainable and collaborative design can make a difference." And he isn't the only one who believes this - as there is a growing grassroots movement of designers who are embracing the opportunity to create change in the world. Paul Hawkin, in his book, Blessed Unrest, expounds on this movement. It is a movement without centralized leadership, a movement of nonprofits, a movement of compassion and action. (See video below - approximately 5 minutes long.)

It is very inspiring and motivating to learn about this movement of people. Cameron Sinclair said they started this type of work because nobody told them they couldn't. They wanted to use design and architecture to create change, rather than to create "jewels" they could admire for themselves.

To me, as a design student, this seems rather logical and obvious. Perhaps it is due to the acceptance and application of "design thinking" or perhaps it is simply a matter of timing - I was brought into school after this movement had began so I don't fully understand the implications of the contrast with before.

"Design thinking" is a term that CCA often uses that I believe represents the type of thinking mentioned above. Design thinking addresses complexity, systems, context, consequences... rather than designing isolated and individual items to make a profit. Perhaps there is a subtle but large change in motivation taking place that leads to a different destination or end goal - one that strives to maximize the amount of positive change rather than acquire the largest profit (regardless of positive or negative change created in society/culture.) If so, it is an exciting time to be a part of the design world, as roles adapt and expand with ideas.

On a more personal note, my husband is the president of a non-profit organization, called Mosaic, in Berkeley with a similar mission. The organization's motto "Mosaic is a movement of dreamers, poets and activists passionate about the future. Our aim is to bring dignity to humanity’s spiritual journey and to empower people to create a better world." (From the website: www.mosaicbay.org) Mosaic strives to connect people and ideas to action through leadership development, self-awareness, volunteer opportunities, creativity workshops, and spiritual revival.

Last summer, my husband, Kevin, organized a team of architects, engineers, and humanitarians to go to Southern Sudan to build a school. The project has actually been posted on the Open Architecture Network under the name Jalle Primary School and on the partner organization website: rebuildsudan.org. Mosaic partnered with Rebuild Sudan and EMI (a volunteer engineering organization) to design the school last May. After their return, we've focused on hosting fundraisers and sharing the stories of the Sudanese people. We hope to plan another trip during the summer of 2010 to begin construction and address other issues such as water access, infrastructure, etc. I did not go on the first trip, as the timing interfered with another project I was working on with an architecture firm, however, I look forward to learning more about how design can create change, whether it is local or global, and how business strategy can support and encourage these goals.

Moo - politics and cows

2010-01-21T17:15:00.002-08:00

(I saw this while doing some research on politics for one of my classes this semester - what do you think? I like it.)

POLITICAL SCIENCE & ECONOMICS FOR DUMMIES

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative and tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then it pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to analysts stating that you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. Life is good.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Yet you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them, because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Design is not just decorative...

2009-11-30T15:57:00.001-08:00

One of my designs is in the process of being built! Completion date has been moved to February. I am SO EXCITED. See some photos below.

Thanksgiving evening we gathered around our living room to watch a film – While You Were Sleeping. Despite its charming and romantic plot, it was easy to discern the movie’s age due to the fashion and humor changes during the last 15 years. In contrast, its hospital interiors accurately reflected what I would expect to see today. In other words, changes in fashion, language and humor were easily identifiable though the architecture and interiors did not seem to change at all. As a design student, I was taught to believe that the built environment acted as a cultural catalyst for change and critical thought. Unfortunately, it no longer seems to hold this position, instead it trails dreadfully behind art, technology, and design – especially in healthcare design.

Creativity is hidden behind a sturdy wall of excuses in healthcare design. This wall is several feet thick – built by the value engineers, the financers, the doctors and nurses, hospital CEOs and administrative staff, lawyers, technicians and even architects. Finding a way to introduce innovation in healthcare design is like looking for a tiny crack in a dam. It is not surprising that most designers settle for the “usual” due to frustration and impatience.

I searched and researched for several weeks – looking for a tiny crack in the wall. I composed presentation boards showcasing “cutting edge” European designs and the most updated scientific research supporting color and technology alternatives… but every time they would find an excuse, a reason, something, anything, to avoid pursuing solutions outside of the familiar white washed walls, long, straight corridors, and VCT rigid squares.

After months of research and meetings, an administrative officer asked about using energy efficient lighting and updating the current standardized fixtures. Without my input, the board of directors, planners, lawyers, etc. quickly agreed to update the standard – revealing the perfect crack. Through innovative lighting fixtures, I could design in creative and unexpected ways. I suggested using color changing LED light fixtures as decorative and functional pieces in hallways, waiting rooms, and lobbies. Other fixtures could be used to cast unusual and artistic shadows on walls – spaces typically covered with framed paintings. These fixtures were able to escape the regular list of excuses and hesitations because they were necessary – essential for both function and design.

The Safe Hug

2009-11-12T14:40:00.001-08:00

For a graduate writing class, a classmate and I created a "how to" for hugs. We both did a lot of research on hugs - including how people greet each other in different cultures and how NOT to hug. The goal of the assignment was to study process writing - instruction manuals, etc. These are often ignored or overlooked by designers (hence the reason most people don't even bother to read them). The project required the creation of a instruction guide - either using digital or print media. We could study an actual object or a human interaction/experience. We choose the "hug" due to its influence and relevance in our lives. For example, those who are touched or hugged daily are proven to have lower blood pressure...

Hope you enjoy the video - it was a fun project for us.

Is it worth it?

2009-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Last week, in my Nonfiction Writing class, we watched the film Manufactured Landscapes. Since then, it's been on my mind constantly. Over the last few years, the issues raised in the film have transformed my perspective on economics, world trade, personal as well as national finances, technology and capitalism, etc. It is hard to find an aspect of life unaffected by this issue.

You can watch a short video of some photographs from the film on the photographer's website - Edward Burtynsky. Select "Worldchanging" from the links on the left - then "View the Worldchanging.com Introduction Video".

A summary from his website:
Shot in Super-16mm film, Manufactured Landscapes extends the narrative streams of Burtynsky’s photographs, allowing us to meditate on our profound impact on the planet and witness both the epicentres of industrial endeavour and the dumping grounds of its waste. What makes the photographs so powerful is his refusal in them to be didactic. We are all implicated here, they tell us: there are no easy answers. The film continues this approach of presenting complexity, without trying to reach simplistic judgements or reductive resolutions. In the process, it tries to shift our consciousness about the world and the way we live in it.

After watching something like this - it is hard for me to understand why anyone would still support oil production and consumption. How can we continue in this way while so many others suffer the consequences? It may save us a few dollars, but it costs others their lives. Is oil really worth it? Especially when alternatives such as wind and solar exist?

Look what I made...

2009-09-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

I am taking a 3D Rhino rendering class (a software class that teaches you how to build small objects on the computer). And here is the first item I choose to try - a spool of ribbon. Yay!

What I said...

2009-09-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

To my studio professor and classmates last week....

After saying my name and undergraduate background I spoke about my experience with architecture. Since I can't remember my exact words I'll summarize:

In the four years I worked as an interior architect, I found that 80% was about details such as roofing, water protection, structural connections, stud wall construction, and hours upon hours of drawing tiny details. I hated it because it was so boring. The 20% I loved was about design - how people interact with space, concept development, programming - understanding human needs... In four years I decided that the 80% I hated wasn't worth enduring for the 20% I loved. I longed for a job where the ratios were flipped and wasn't ready to give up searching for it. I had taken product design classes in undergrad and really enjoyed them. I decided to invest in developing that interest to see where it leads. I am in grad school, not necessarily to be torn down and rebuilt, but to find my life's questions in the pursuit of industrial design. I am going to CCA to help uncover these questions - these questions that I will spend the rest of my life working out. (At this point I referenced the reading he had asked us to do this summer - Seeing is Forgetting the Name of the Thing One Sees - a book about the artist Robert Irwin. I LOVED the book so I couldn't help but bring it up. I looked like a total suck up... be seriously I just loved the book.)

My professor asked me, "How will you know when you've found them?"

I replied, "You just know. It's the thing you keep coming back to. You know when you've found something worth living for. Something worth waking up for. Something that energizes you - that compels you - that makes your heart beat. You just know."

Upon further reflection, I wish I would have added that, as Robert Irwin said, it is about a combination of logic and intuition. Logic evaluates measurable data, the science. Intuition is linked to a sense of spirit, of being, of understanding beyond words. You can limit yourself to just logic - but still be wrong because life doesn't always work in logical ways. The unexpected happens, people change their minds, emotions shift. That is where intuition is key... the key to discerning the stuff not measured by logic or science. The combination of the two is where confidence and faith are found.

That is how "you just know." And now you all know why I think I am in grad school :)

You are quite eloquent.

2009-09-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, upon introducing myself to my studio professor and explaining why I am here in grad school... he simply raised his eyebrows, looked down at his notebook, and said "You are quite eloquent."

Today, I looked up the word in the dictionary - though I know exactly what it means I was looking for some hidden meaning...

Here is a little blurb from dictionary.com:
Eloquent, fluent, articulate, expressive are adjectives that characterize speech or speakers notable for their effectiveness. Eloquent suggests clarity and power.

Clarity and power.

Love it.

Unfortunately, it took four years of thought to express those four sentences to my professor. If only I could be eloquent with less time!

Even more construction...

2009-09-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

Photos from the latest construction site visit... occupancy is still set for January but it looks like it is coming together quite quickly. I regret not being able to be there during completion - but know grad school is an opportunity I couldn't afford to wait on. Thankfully, my ex co-workers are pretty great about keeping me in the loop!

The waiting room... the ceiling grid is up and the panels about to be installed!

A view down on of the corridors. I put color changing LED lights in the soffits - right now the hospital is trying to decide how to use them. I really focused on the lighting fixtures in the design due to the fact that this space has no access to daylight at all (it's in the basement of the hospital like all xray departments typically are).

And the "special feature" aka. light display at the end of the corridor is ready to be set up!

It all began with Barbie...

2009-08-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

A video I composed sharing a short story about myself as part of grad school orientation. We had two and a half days to compose the video and then spent an evening viewing each other's stories. Class starts this week (tomorrow!)... this was just a simple "get to know you" exercise :)

It all started with Barbie... from Nicole Knox on Vimeo.

Into the "Older Than"

2009-08-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

Just finished grad school orientation... two days full of long meetings and lines. So far so good. I've been trying to meet as many people as I can remember. I have to be careful b/c at some point I start to lose track of names or they all start to blend together. Despite my introverted self, I've managed to meet quite a few people and learn some interesting characteristics about my design class.

There are 48 of us.

We are...

...Primarily female.
...Mostly under the age of 25
...Not likely to have held a "professional" job
...Over half have experience/education in graphic design
...All but three of us have iphones (I am one of the three)
...Diverse in that our class has the most international students than ever before
...Single (I have yet to meet another married student in my year)

I was sitting around at a table with five other classmates and they were announcing their age and relationship status. The combination of my age, experience and marriage make me feel so much older than at least half of my class. For the first time in my life, I realized I was now in the category of life called "Older Than"... where the world is slowly starting to get younger and younger as I get older.

I have no doubt that these students are incredibly talented, creative, and intelligent regardless of age and relationship status. I am in no way "above" them... the only thing I am is increasingly unable to let myself use the excuse of "oh I'm just young". But in grad school, and possibly in life, we all have one thing in common - we are here to learn and grow - and that alone makes age irrelevant.

Vertigo

2009-08-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight a few friends and I went to watch the Alfred Hitchcock film Vertigo at the Cal Berkeley Pacific Film Archive. I did not know anything about the film aside from a short trailer I found on YouTube. The film's plot completely surprised me - I am not an "old" movie fan so my response could be purely naive - but I was very impressed with the cleverness of the writing, directing, and acting. Nearly two hours after watching the film, I am still recovering from shock over the ending.

Aside from the things already mentioned - I also noticed how much HASN'T changed since the 1950s - like pumps (high heeled shoes) and business suits, wallpaper designs (large patterns are all the rage right now), blankets with satin or silk edging, stainless steel teapots, etc. The most noticable change (filming technology aside) was the automobiles. In general, it seems that behaviorally people seem pretty consistent - but technology seems to cause the greatest amount of change in the least amount of time. Technology and jeans. Everyone in the film wore a suit, slacks or dress/skirt because jeans hadn't become mainstream yet. Oh how jeans have transformed our day to day clothes!

Dune - revisited

2009-06-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

Now I’m serious…

About this whole sci-fi thing.

I’ll prove it.

I read Dune – “considered by some to be the greatest science fiction novel of all time.”

Was it?

Sure… I don’t think reading one (or a handful) of sci-fi books really makes me qualified to judge though. I like this science fiction genre – speculations on the future based on actuality (to put it simply). It helps to compare it to fantasy which is not based on reality or any relation to it. So here we have an entire genre devoted to exploring an imaginary yet probable vision of the future. Who could resist the curiosity it induces?

Mere curiosity?

Of course not – my real motivation is always design based. I want to know what could be – and study fantastic and elaborate interpretations of the future in hopes of expanding my limited perspective of the now.

Take Dune for example – I LOVED the stillsuits – a technological innovation of the sand dwellers that enabled them to reclaim their body moisture. From the moment they were first introduced I can’t get them out of my head – I’ve spent several random distracted moments thinking about them and how it would actually work. Could we use these now? What about developing countries with limited or no access to water?

Always wondering…

The Bible as Human Literature

2009-06-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

KV and I have been discussing this on and off for the last few years - especially since he went to seminary and learned more about the authors of this ancient text. One of leaders he respects recently wrote a blog post about this subject. It was so thought provoking I had to pass it along. What do you think?

"The Bible is only human literature.

Breathe.

I have a question I want to consider, and I have asked this question at the end of this post. But let’s begin with this lesser question:

Why does embracing the Bible as human literature disorient some of us?

Perhaps it is because many of us are so used to being told that the Bible is a book written by God — The Bible is God’s word. But the Bible is not written by God. It is written by humans.

Having said that, does claiming that the Bible is only human literature mean the Bible is false? Of course not.
The New York Times is also produced by humans. Does that mean it is false? Of course not.

The Bible is only human literature, but it is based on true stories. Yes, the stories are so unbelievable in parts that it is up to each reader to sort out what lies behind it all. That’s where the danger lies. The danger is not that each reader must determine for herself what lies behind it. The danger is what lies behind it. In a sense the Bible is like the shadow of the invisible. Enter the shadow at your own risk."

Click HERE to see the full article written by Alex McManus.

Food, Inc.

2009-06-18T17:09:00.001-07:00

Probably one of the best "social justice/cause specific" documentaries I've seen in its clarity and thoughtfulness.

Some specific highlights:

- a closer, more personal, look at the relationship between corporations and individuals

- highlighted the importance of consumer choice (motivating large corporations like Walmart to change) and how we vote at least three times a day with what we choose to eat, buy, etc.

- approached deeper issues such as motivation and purpose behind the development of food

- challenged the idea of cost in a holistic way

- covered multiple issues surrounding the industrialization of food including world hunger, labor, etc.

Great movie - I'd definitely see it again or host a screening!

Goodness Gracious...

2009-06-15T01:26:00.001-07:00

Great balls of fire. Holy Fire that is. I recently finished my first novel by Bruce Sterling - a science fiction author known for his futuristic visions. This book had genetically and electrically altered dogs that served as animal companions as well as machine servants. It is set in the 2090s - to a place where science and biology have progressed into mind boggling (but not altogether surprising) ways. Life extension treatments are available to those that can afford them - treatments that "rejuvenate" blood cells, organs... that extend life well into the triple digits. Most people eat scientifically composed food like substances that deliver just the exact amount of vitamins, minerals and nutrients required - animals and plants only consumed by those less fortunate or far less educated. Buildings have lighting systems that imitate the sun. People can build virtual palaces to store their memories, experiences and wealth. Translators in the form of earrings and necklaces allows people to speak their native tongue to all and understand any language...

Though the book had impressive and believable technological innovations (it was written in 1996) - the plot failed to impress me. It had so much potential - an elderly lady undergoing a life extension treatment that gives her a second chance to re-live the youth she never dreamed of... yet I found it's actuality to be surprisingly underdeveloped and shallow. I forced myself to finish reading it - my curiosity unrelenting even as it approached unavoidable disappointment.

I am hoping his latest book, The Caryatids, is far more developed. One of my favorite blogs, Worldchanging, says "The Caryatids is my favorite of Bruce's novels since Holy Fire, and frankly one of the best science fiction books I've read in years. It's a book redolent with not only the future, but the concerns of a particular kind of future that is very much of interest to those of us engaged with worldchanging work."

Hum... We'll see. I am trying to add some futuristic sci-fi into my non-fiction mix before grad school completely takes over my brain. Any suggestions??

June Garden Lessons

2009-06-07T14:16:00.001-07:00

My favorite part of the garden so far... snow peas.

So exciting to see things actually growing! I can't believe it - they are still alive! (Snow peas and bell pepper shown below.)

Broccoli - what a waste! A massive plant for a tiny bit of broccoli. I decided to uproot them to give the other more productive plants more room to grow.

The whole garden - those tomatoes are growing so tall! The cauliflower is growing on the left - we have yet to see what will happen with these. Hopefully they will be more successful than broccoli!

This is what I've been talking about...

2009-06-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

...or at least trying to. Missional small groups. How do mission and community work together? This short 16 minute video by Matt Carter from Stone Community Church in Austin, Texas gives a much better explanation than I've been able to communicate.

Mosaic just relaunched Freeform (aka. small groups) with a general outline/goal of what we hope they look like. The primary purpose, of course, is to build community while on mission. We encouraged Freeform groups to meet once a week - and dedicate at least one week a month to "serving others creatively". Unfortunately, we launched in June - during the summer, when attendance tends to be low and fickle. We just couldn't wait though - and hope this sets the foundation for an even stronger launch in the fall.

Listen to Matt and be inspired and encouraged - what we are trying to achieve can be difficult to visualize but is well worth our effort and pursuit... all for the sake of Berkeley!

THE SHOW - for May 19, 2009 - Guest Matt Carter from Todd Rhoades on Vimeo.

Why do you care?

2009-06-02T13:01:00.001-07:00

Why do you care about other people?

I want to investigate what really motivates people to give their lives away to others (aside from any other religious training/explanation). I was reflecting over my life - trying to remember the first time I really cared about somebody outside of myself (or my immediate family) and my thoughts kept returning to the day we first welcomed my brother Josh into our home.

I was 8 years old and it was 3:00 in the afternoon. School had just let out and I was searching the playground for my mother. I finally saw her, walking up the hill, with a bundle of blankets in her arms. I was too young then to really realize what that meant or why... but the little baby she carried in her arms would forever change my life and the way I experienced and gave love. That day I become Josh's oldest sister - not because I had to, but because I choose to.

Though the Colorado court system would officially recognize Josh as part of the Williams family three years later, I was his sister from the moment I saw him - a small and strange little baby needing a home. The amount of love I experienced for someone I had never met before shocked me. I realized I had the capacity to care for others in ways I never imagined or dreamed of before.

I care because Josh showed me I could. Before that, it was just an idea - something my parents and Sunday school teachers talked about endlessly. I have spent the last 18 years (since the day I met Josh) following this love - searching for it, longing for it, hoping for it. This love, that I now call Jesus, is what motivates and drives me. Though I can't always (and often don't) embody it - He is with me.

This is a much better answer than the one I gave to the person who asked me last week!

Accepted

2009-05-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

It's official - I am going to grad school. You can click on the above logo for more information about the school and program but to summarize: I will be in a two year program to get a masters of fine arts in design (with a focus on industrial design). At the end of August I will transform into a design student once more in hopes of launching into the field of consumer products. I was so excited to get accepted. I heard only 15 of 2oo+ applicants get in and I was flattered to be one of them. Post acceptance, however, has been a different story. I've had a few anxiety/panic attacks thinking about all the financial aid we just accepted and wading through my self-doubt and insecurity. Thankfully Kevin has been unwavering in his confidence of me and this direction. It is a ginormous risk - to move from merely dreaming about being a product designer to actually attempting to become one. Let's just say I've left plenty of space for miracles to happen :)

Back in March Kevin and I were walking through the Denver International Airport and I was in awe of the ceiling and design. I love it! I also love that in a few months it is quite likely I will never have to design interiors again - no more carpet, paint colors, tile patterns, space flow diagrams... I can't wait. Finally my appreciation for architecture will be set free to be just that - appreciation.

Under Construction

2009-05-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to see one of my projects that is currently under construction - the renovation of the x-ray/imaging department of a hospital in Oakland (7,271 SF). The steel studs and electrical are all in - in June all the drywall goes up. Occupancy is set for January 2010. I can't wait! My first project (from start to finish) is only months away from completion.

Are Cheerios Healthy?

2009-05-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

An article by The Daily Green reported today:

"Just weeks after Kellogg agreed to stop a national advertising campaign that misleadingly claimed its Frosted Mini Wheats boost kids' attention spans, General Mills has been ordered by the Food and Drug Administration to scale back its claims about what Cheerios can do for your health. In essence, General Mills had been claiming that a box of Cheerios is a powerful drug designed to lower cholesterol, fight heart disease and high blood pressure, when in fact ... it is a breakfast cereal.

This is a strong reminder to consumers that the health claims on food packaging can often be misleading. A varied, balanced diet, with more plants than meat, and fewer processed foods, is the most commonsense diet for most people. Cereal can be a part of that diet, for sure, but we shouldn't think of fortified cereals or processed whole wheats as the solution to our health problems, or the key to losing weight."

Yet another reminder to never underestimate the power of marketing - it is pretty tempting to believe it is actually good for your health when you walk down that massive cereal isle!

What do you think - what cereals are actually healthy and why? I try to avoid them altogether and stick to oatmeal. I get tired of trying to read all the labels and discern the truth behind all the compelling words.

Chase the Lion

2009-05-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

“Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.

Grab life by the mane.

Set God-sized goals.

Pursue God-ordained passions.

Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.

Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God.

Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future.
Stop playing it safe and start taking risks.

Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can.

Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God.

Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not.

Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Chase the lion.”

Mark Batterson: In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.
‘Lion Chasers Manifesto’:

Using Our Passions to Change the World

2009-05-05T11:12:00.001-07:00

Please visit Crashing Forward for more details!

Leaving the country yet again...

2009-04-28T16:53:00.001-07:00

At the end of May, my husband and a small group of volunteers from Mosaic and the Bay area are heading to Sudan. At this time last year, Kevin met a man named Michael - a Lost Boy from Sudan sent by the Clinton administration to the United States for an education. Displaced from his home in Sudan due to war, Michael walked several thousands of miles to safety in a neighboring country. Getting an education was his only hope to escape a lifetime in refugee camps. Fortunately, some of those in the U.S. government felt the same way and helped pave the way for some of the young boys to come to the United States. Now, years later, Michael wants to use his education to help those still living out the consequences of war. With the help of Kevin, Mosaic, and EMI (Engineering Ministries International), Michael will return to his home village, Jalle, this May with a team of dedicated and talented engineers and architects. This team will help the village assess its needs and help the local community move towards solutions they might not have had access to previously.

Please visit the website, Rebuild Sudan, for more information about the Lost Boys or to see how you might be a part of rebuilding this community.

Photo: Michael reunited with his mother after a 20-year separation.

some old prayer

2009-04-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading tonight and came across this really old prayer (The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi). I am RARELY into things like this but it quickly caught my attention - especially the second part.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith;
Where is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

It was encouraging to see another reminding us of this truth - of how Jesus lived and what he taught. Too often I feel frustrated that the church is too focused on themselves as though after a certain level of our "needs" are met THEN we will be able to serve and love others. Too often I feel alone in the campaign for serving and loving others as the way to grow in God. Too often I worry about how easily we are tempted to to put our needs first.

Do we think growing in God is about knowledge and not about action? What is growing in God? It is a matter of intellect and memorization? It is about how many books you read and how many "Godly" people you can quote? We must discuss these questions!

These other quotes/thoughts came to mind as I was thinking about this:

"The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Romans 13:9

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
1 Corinthians 13:1-3

The temptation is too great - so I tend to swing to the other extreme in hopes of hitting somewhere in the middle. Too many churches are known for how creatively they meet their own needs - though amazing programs and unfaltering organization. Will we be known for this as well? When will the church be known for its love? Not for its knowledge, its intellect, its amazing sermons and captivating productions... but simply for the way it loves and cares for others? This is the church I long for.

We strive so hard to encourage serving as a way to practice loving others. Too many times people come to us and ask about burnout or what will "fill" them back up? I have a few thoughts on this:
1: Whose strength are you serving on/with anyways? If it is your own, then you most definitely burnout. But burnout is not such a bad thing - to come to the end of yourself and need God's help (and/or the help of others) to empower you to finish.
2: Doesn't the prayer above say that serving is the means to be "filled up"? Does Jesus discuss and model this?
3: How are you serving? Are you serving in the ways you "should" as determined by the expectations of yourself or others? Or are you serving in the unique ways that only you can - with your passions, talents and gifts?

The core reason I am SO passionate and intense about this subject is because of my own story. I spent YEARS diligently growing in knowledge to find little to no character change in myself. No matter how many Bible studies I was a part of or lead - no matter how many verses I memorized - no matter how "christian" I became - I could not change myself. Knowledge is helpful in knowing God - but serving is essential to living out a life with God.

Not only that - but one really clear way serving helps you grow is in self awareness. You learn really quick what you like and what you don't - what you really think or hope for - in the act of serving.

I am not "anti-Bible study" but I am Bible study resistant. I am resistant to engage unless there is a clear vision of what we are moving towards and what we hope to attain. We hope to be the church FOR the world due to our understanding of who Jesus is and what He hoped for. It is in this context we can talk about the role of knowledge.

Creativity and Artichokes

2009-04-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

I most enjoy cooking when I get to try something unknown and challenging, otherwise it's just a chore and a duty to me and I tend to avoid it. I have also found that I enjoy experimenting the most when there's a crowd involved - a dinner party of some sort... it makes it more of a challenge or something I suppose. It doesn't bother me too much when an experiment fails - I am thankful I tried at all, however, KV might have a different perspective :)

So last week we had some co-workers over and I heard artichokes were in season. Thankfully this one turned out - though the prep was tedious & my fingers hurt from the sharp points on the leaves.

So proud of myself

2009-04-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY planted a vegetable garden! It was inspired by Mel Bartholomew's book Square Foot Gardening. I meant to build one last spring but the first picture shows how far I got. I basically built two square raised beds and left them sitting there for a year - I didn't even add soil. So this spring I basically had to re-start seeing as all the weeds that we pulled last year had returned.

Got to love pulling weeds. I was surprised to find that the soil had changed a lot since last year. Last year it was practically dust and hard as a rock - this year it even had worms and snails living in it!

Weed pulling took longer than everything else combined. The green trash bin to the right is our city's mandatory compost bin. You put all your garden clippings, unused food, etc. in it and they pick it up once a week. It usually smells so bad I gag every time I go near it. :)

After the weeds, I nailed weed cloth to the bottom of the raised beds and put potting soil mix from our local nursery inside. Hopefully this will reduce the amount of weed pulling needed in the future. The wood slats we nailed across the top of the beds are supposed to help us measure the space for planting. For example, lettuce can be planted six inches apart so you can plant four per square foot. Broccoli, on the other hand, needs more space so you can only plant one per square foot.

The planted boxes! I go out back and check on them as often as I can, half expecting them to be all shriveled up or attacked by an animal. I find myself worrying about it sometimes - is it too hot or too cool; is there enough water, sun... I even dream about it sometimes! I'm a typical first time gardener - clueless and hopeful.

Box #1: Cauliflower, lettuce, peas, tomato, spinach, onions, red bell pepper, strawberry, basil and broccoli.

Box #2: Strawberry, cucumber, edamame, cherry tomato, yellow bell pepper, broccoli, tomato, cauliflower.

I recently read something about the significance of the garden in the creation stories. The book, End of Religion, says, "A garden is a meeting place between nature and human culture. It reflects both divine and human creativity, as opposed to the extremes of a city on the one hand and a forest (or jungle, depending on how tropical you like your analogies) on the other. Genesis shows us that God's original design for humanity was an intimate, purposeful relationship between himself and humanity, expressed through a cocreative partnership." (End of Religion, pgs. 197-198)

Fool me once, shame on you...

2009-04-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Fool me twice, shame on me.

I am feeling the shame, or rather, the anger.

Our car was stolen for the second time last Thursday at the North Berkeley BART station just over a mile from our house. I was headed home after attending a design event in Oakland. I rode the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit aka. metro/subway) and looked for the car... to no avail. It was gone. Not even a shard of broken glass was to be found - that old thing was so easy to break into you didn't even need to bother the glass. I am angry today - if only we had taken the time to get a club after it was stolen the first time!

We are not confident that we will be as lucky as we were the first time - when the San Jose police department found our car illegally parked about an hour from where we live. The police told us last week we had about a 50% chance or ever seen it again. I do not feel hopeful. If only this was an April Fools joke - unfortunately it isn't.

On another note, KV's elbow is healing "twice as fast" as it should be, according to the orthopedic doctor he saw yesterday. He doesn't even have to wear the sling anymore.

The Glass Wall

2009-03-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

(Written in 2007 while living in Los Angeles. I recently shared this journal entry at a Mosaic gathering a few weeks ago. I was talking about knowing God versus experiencing God... and here is just one example of when my human knowledge failed me - and I just needed to speak to Him, my Friend.)

Friend,
What is blocking me from the fullness of You?
I want to be close to You but I stand enclosed behind a glass wall.
I can see You; I can hear Your voice; I see Your hand pressed against the glass but I keep hiding.

It is so strange; sometimes I scream and cry for help and beat against the glass... and sometimes I find a strange pleasure, a secret comfort in this division of space.
I tell myself it keeps me independent and strong. And I keep pushing myself forward.
When I feel insecure, I push myself even harder.

Sometimes I turn my back to the glass in defiance and feel the rush of resistance in my veins.
Sometimes I fall down in front of the glass and feel the coldness of the floor.
It invades my body and my heart and I feel so alone.

Still other times I stand staring into it as though looking into a mirror.
I see all the things I will never be and all the things I cannot touch and I beat myself.
My fear of physical pain protects me though so I beat myself internally.
I tear my own heart apart before you, convinced it is what I deserve.

Again I see Your hand pushed against the glass and I hesitate.
I am afraid to touch You. I just stand like a statue and stare.

Sometimes the glass is so clear I forget it is there. I can taste the freedom and even live in it for awhile.
But then it hits me in the face as though running straight into a wall.
And in my anger I return to the place I was before. I beat myself.

And so I stand here again, like a statue, watching Your hand pressed against the glass.
I feel the shame of rejecting You as I stand.
But I am afraid my heart is too weak and you'll see it.
I can't bear for You to see the weakness of my spirit.

Suddenly I hear You slowly whisper, "Maybe it's not as bad as you think."
Your simple words catch me off guard and I move towards You.
Before I can regain the strength to resist I decide.
Okay.
I'll put my hand against the glass too... and maybe... What now? Tell me, my Friend.

Winter in the SF Bay

2009-03-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

All day nearly every day - thru February and March. Hope this helps end the drought.

Drank the kool-aid

2009-02-28T18:17:00.000-08:00

After being "tagged" by more people than I can count, I've finally caved to peer pressure - I'm drinking the kool-aid and jumping into the pool.

Some random things about me:

1. I prefer to wear pumas and graphic tees over high heels and dress shirts.
2. I ride my bike to work most days and I LOVE it.
3. I am my own best friend. I have endless conversations in my mind, try out questions and test ideas - all internally. I prefer to try to figure things out in my own mind before sharing them with others. The only problem is I rarely figure things out, therefore, I find I don't share much.
4. I like to be asked questions. Simply sharing information unprovoked is hard for me to do unless I know you really really well.
5. I like to ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I do this to avoid the conversation from focusing on me. Most of the time I do this because I am just genuinely curious.
6. I hate routines. Repetition bores me. It drains the life out of me. I thrive on change and new challenges. For example, I don't like to make anything twice. Once is enough - even if it wasn't perfect. There are some exceptions of course, but in general, I enjoy change.
7. I don't mind repetition if I REALLY REALLY like something. Examples include chocolate and ice cream. I could eat those everyday - no problem.
8. I am not naturally obedient. Rules tend to bother me.
9. I LOVE to save money for the sake of the internal competition.
10. I wish I had a supernatural power.
11. I am direct. Mostly due to the fact that...
12. I am a terrible actress. It will be painfully obvious if I am lying.
13. I hate shopping, especially for clothes. It makes me feel anxious.
14. I love to give people good gifts. I think TOO much about each gift I give. And I can't just give you anything - so I tend to miss some birthdays and stuff b/c I ran out of time to think and can't pull something together quickly.
15. I dream of living in a prefab house by Michelle Kaufman or in something like the B-Line Small by Hive Modular
16. I take myself way too seriously sometimes.
17. I love God and I love Jesus but I find Christianity stifling.
18. I wish I had a tattoo. I can't narrow down a design though and I have a really low pain threshold.
19. I find meaning in my work. I have a hard time working if this is missing.
20. Kevin makes me a better person - he makes me laugh, relax, breathe, trust.
21. I don't really care about interior design. I just don't find it all that interesting and know I could do without.
22. I play soccer... still. I've played since I was 8 years old.
23. I was made for Berkeley. I LOVE the authenticity.
24. I wish I could eat dessert. (Kevin persuaded me to join him in fasting for Lent - though we don't really practice Lent)
25. Tessa inspired me to actually do this.

Closing

2009-02-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

This economic recession thing hit much closer to home this week with the closing of my all time favorite store in Berkeley – the Elephant Pharmacy.

I was shocked and saddened to hear the news, as were so many others. I would go to the Elephant just for fun – to wander through the isles and see what was new – to sit in the corner and glance through their books… Elephant was always full of mystery and surprise – I found everything there including handmade Christmas ornaments, stainless steel water bottles (which I gave to SEVERAL people in the last year), sprouting granola, organic food based facial cleansers, barley teething sticks, recycled toilet paper, partially digested vitamins, rows and rows of tea leaves, natural deodorants, circular body soaps, fair trade bracelets, yoga videos… I heard they even gave dream consultations there!

Ahhhh… I am SOO disappointed!

Lucky for me – there is another all natural, organic pharmacy a few blocks from my house in Albany called Pharmaca Integrative Pharmacy - I will have to learn how to love it.

Winners Announced

2009-02-04T10:13:00.001-08:00

The winners of the Discarded Dreams competition have been announced on the Open Architecture Network.

See photos from the award reception night HERE.

Thank you for all your encouragement, excitment and support - I really appreciate it!

I won. We won.

2009-01-18T21:25:00.001-08:00

Every time I repeat the words, it sends a bolt of energy and excitement through me. Even now, three days later, I keep saying it, in an effort to remind myself that it is actually true. I've never won anything in the design world... until now.

A glimpse at the email:
"We’d like to congratulate you as the first place winner of the Discarded Dreams Mattress Design Competition! We’re very excited about Helix and the potential your design holds for being a marketable product for recycled mattress components."

I won. We won.

So lucky :)

The awards reception is this upcoming Thursday night. Unfortunately we were planning to still be in DC. We are considering sending me home a day earlier to attend... maybe I just need to make sure it really is true. I feel torn... to go or not to go?

The crazy thing is, Helix is nothing fancy. It is simple, practical, straight to the point. And apparently, it might work.

Crazy.

Here is an article that explains more about how the competition was developed and what they were looking for.

Feeling the stress

2009-01-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

The stress really started to show the day after Christmas. I lost my appetite, regardless of how hungry I felt, and entered a season of restless sleep. On a good day, I'll eat one full meal and sleep for four solid hours without waking.

Strangely, the only way that I've been able to escape some of the stress is by taking a break to read parts of the Twilight series. For a minute my mind forgets everything outside of vampires and I can ignore the deadlines.

It is a strange season. I miss the peace.

As far as I can tell, the source of the stress lies in two things - a Kaiser project that I am designing for Ratcliff and my grad school application. I have hit my threshold - I don't think I can hold another droplet of responsibility right now. This Twilight thing already makes me question my sanity :)

I keep telling myself two things:
1. It will pass... eventually.
2. You've been here before.
(In studio at Kansas State - I forget how much stress I've endured in the past.)

Relief is not far away - next week the application is due and it will be released from my hands and my control. I am dying with restlessness...

And February 16th - the first stage of this Kaiser project is due. The photo above is of my workstation at Ratcliff. There are piles of sketches scattered all over. And colored pencils - my sketching tool of choice. The office gave me a new set of 48 colored pencils yesterday - I was overly happy about this :)

Only a few more days...

On the positive side - I wouldn't mind losing a pound or two. I sure do miss peaceful sleep though.

Discarded Dreams: Mattress Competition

2008-12-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

A co-worker and I recently entered a design competition - the challenge was to create innovative ways of converting used mattresses into useful products. To view our entry online - and rate our project - please look for HELIX (our product name). The winner will be announced in February I believe. I have a lot of wishful thinking - but you know how these things can go. Please do take a look - if only to see a different aspect of my design life.

borderline obsession

2008-12-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

Ever since KV and I saw Twilight last weekend, I can't get it out of my head. Maybe it's the melodrama or the cheesy acting - but for whatever reason, I can't wait to see it again. The movie was barely violent, which I really appreciated, and it seemed to focus more on the relational aspects of vampires than what they actually eat. I've never been a fan of vampires or wolves and all that, but now I'm determined to read the book and see what else I missed.

Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe this is some weird subconscious way of dealing with some of the stress of grad school applications and fast track projects at work but I love it!

rub on the lime

2008-12-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

The causes of cancer remain vague while the instances of cancer keep increasing. I've thought about changing my job title to "cancer prevention specialist" b/c that is what I do - in design, I strive to reduce the probability of cancer by reducing toxins and volatile organic compounds and dioxins and heavy metals and phthalates... and a multitude of other chemicals and materials that if stored in the body long enough, commonly result in cancer. We are exposed to these materials in built environments - the same spaces we build to keep us safe, to provide us shelter - also hide within them the ability to slowly deteriorate life. This type of work doesn't seem to keep the spotlight for very long - due to things in life that destroy life far more quickly. You might not care now... now that you are young and in your twenties. But what about in twenty or thirty or forty more years... when 1 out of 10 of your friends are plagued with some variation of the same disease?

This is what sustainability is all about - life cycle. not just the immediate effect but the effect of a lifetime. It is hard enough to keep our attention focused on something to see it all the way through. We see the initial cost and the immediate benefit, and move on to something else, leaving the uncalculated costs to someone else like the landfill guy (aka. our state government) or the corporation that manufactured and produced it (b/c after all they value human life over profit, right?)

The more I focus on cancer prevention in the built environment, the more opportunities I see in other environments such as household cleaning products, makeup, laundry, vitamins (most vitamins are petroleum based and barely digestible)...

This fall it has moved a little more into my personal hygiene - into deodorant. I've been learning about the products that I used to buy from Target and all the hidden ingredients (that corporations are not required to list on the label). Just one article, of many, discusses the addition of parabens - a preservative that has been shown to seep into the skin and store in the breast. As one who is fortunate to own a pair of these, I've taken notice and am not quite sure it is worth the risk.

So I've been on the search for alternatives for a few months now. This is one hard product to replace. All those parabens and metals (such as aluminum) were put in there probably for a reason - for a better immediate effect. I've tried a few all natural, aluminum free substitutes only to end up carrying it with me constantly (to reapply repeatedly throughout the day) and with a resistance to adjust to the new scents. No amount of lavender can cover up that body funk.

In my frustration, I am resulting to a new product - the lime. It was recommended to me a few months ago by a tree-hugging type of friend and I laughed. But these are desperate times. Every morning I cut a sliver of lime from the refrigerator, squeeze and squish it onto my armpit - and move on. Guess what? It works. No smell. I can't even believe it.... in fact I still don't. So I'll carry out my experiment for quite a bit longer to see. I have a feeling it is great for the day to day things - but no going to the gym and playing a soccer game and expecting to smell like baby powder. Maybe this switch is also turning into a de-commercialization exercise as well in that I have to break down the idea that sweating and smelling (after a workout) is so bad. Did I just fall into a marketing trap by these corporations and am now overly concerned with sweat? We'll see... maybe my friends and husband will have a different view in the coming weeks.

What is Mosaic??

2008-12-05T18:20:00.001-08:00

Occasionally I get the pleasure of answering this question, typically asked by a co-worker. They start to wonder what keeps me so busy outside of the office and why I arranged to work a 35 hour week instead of the average 45 or 50. Because KV has been working with or for Mosaic for over three years now, I've had some time to test out different answers and this is what I've found to be the most effective in communicating who and what we are...

We are a non-profit community in Berkeley that focuses on aspects of humanity such as spirituality, self awareness, relational intelligence, leadership and creativity. All of these things, along with our core values and convictions, are based on the life of Jesus. Our main goal is to empower people to live the life that only they can... and we partner with them in all kinds of ways in order to do this. We host events around social justice, photography, foodies, spiritual activists, etc... whatever interests and passions our participants share, in hopes of serving the greater community in which we all live. We are an inclusive community that values relationships and character above all else. Only our volunteer staff are required to commit to a certain set of values, in the same way that other organizations require. Please feel free to come check us out or stop by at one of our weekly meetings, held on Sunday nights at the Gaia Arts Center at 5pm.

Disclaimer: These thoughts are solely my own, based on my experience and interaction with Mosaic as a volunteer, and based on my own spiritual and personal journey through life.

A Question Worth Asking...

2008-11-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

(The Shack, page 185)
"Just because I (God) work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

(The Shack, page 165)
"(God) has never needed evil to accomplish his good purposes. It is you humans who have embraced evil and (God) has responded with goodness."

It seems to me that most Christian theology/religion is based on the understanding that God required a sacrifice in order to forgive us (aka. Jesus). If God is only good - why would He require a murder in order to be able to give us forgiveness? If God does not need evil to accomplish his will - then why would He need Jesus to be murdered?

If God needed a murder, that would lead me to conclude that God needed payment or revenge for our lack of trust in him. That would make God more like me, a human... and less like God - the all forgiving, all full of grace, all full of love, God. It could be argued that His holiness required the murder - but how does that make Him any different from any other god? There are tons of holy gods out there - but a God that finds holiness in love... that would be something different.

It could be argued that God needed Jesus to live and that, in order to be fully human, Jesus had to die. He died because he was human. His life and resurrection is God in him. Could people follow Jesus not because of his gruesome death, but because He lived and lives? Is it possible that Christians have over glamorized the death of Jesus and underestimated the power of his life?

What if the sacrifice wasn't the death, or murder, but in Jesus coming and living as a human? What if Christians stopped saying "I am a Christian b/c Jesus died for my sins," and instead said "I follow Jesus because he loves me... and He shows it to me over and over again." Are we sin-obsessed in that we find our identity in our sin and not in our freedom and healing?

What do you think?

Refugee Adoption

2008-11-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book called How Does It Feel To Be A Problem? by Moustafa Bayoumi. It is a collection of stories from American Arabs post 9/11. I find the stories of immigrants to be fascinating and significant. I know so few personally, so I am dependent on books such as this and Interpreter of Maladies to share them.

I think what I find so compelling is their perspectives - they see America and the world in such a different way. I find it refreshing. It is so easy for me to get lost or stuck in my own world - in my own interpretations and opinions.

So far the story of Rasha is my favorite. A young, independent Muslim that found a balance between her faith and the new culture. It was difficult and she faced a lot of obstacles - but she was determined and never lost heart. She became the president of her high school - wearing her headcovering and all in a secular public school in Brooklyn. Her eventual success wasn't able to make her conform. She stood firmly in who she was - an Arab Muslim - and crossed cultural divides and common misunderstandings with her courage.

Her story is powerful and inspiring. The other stories are as well. Another story is about a woman whose entire family was abruptly arrested after 9/11 b/c of suspicious neighbors. They spent three months in "detention" with no clear idea of what their charges were until finally released. Another story is about an American solider - called upon to flight in Iraq and the internal conflict he faced being Arab and fighting Arabs. And there are even more stories... but I can't write about them all.

It seems they all struggle intensely to discover who they are in a culture that assumes the worst and encourages fear. At the very least, it reminds me that we are humans - capable of inflicting pain on one another. We don't get to choose what country we're born in, the color of our skin, what language our family speaks, or what our culture will value. I could have been born as anyone... but here I am. American, Caucasian, and wealthier than most of the world. Like the people who shared their stories in the book, I must embrace who I am and make the most of it. And I hope to help others do the same - whatever ethnicity, culture and beliefs.

And so, of course, this leads me to think again of adoption. It is one possible way that we can contribute to the world. We recently heard of this program through the United Nations that finds families to host refugees, ages 10 to 18, in order to help them get educated. The main commitment of the family is to help the child get to college. To help break the cycle of poverty and war their home country now faces. I love this idea and like to think about how it might work out.

Berkeley could be a great place for this. It's diverse enough that an international youth would hopefully have the freedom to find out who they are without feeling pressured to conform one way It is home to the best public college in the nation. The child isn't a baby so we could keep working while they're at school. We could finish out the ground floor so they'd have a bedroom. We could show them what we know to be American and see what they think.

It's a great idea.

The hope that we have.

2008-11-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

"I still struggle with a spiritual belief system that pitches an afterlife as its brightest reward, its light at the end of the tunnel -whether it's Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, whatever. Especially when that afterlife is entirely impossible to prove; it must be accepted on faith. Yet they talk as it if were a fact, and not just for themselves but for the people who don't even share their faith! And facts can be based on a lot of things, but faith isn't one of them."

"So, if heaven, an afterlife, an all-powerful God, and biblical truth aren't happening for you, what is" I asked Casper.

"Personal truth, Jim. And people realizing that their beliefs are just that: beliefs And that their faith is just that: faith. It's not factual, not visible, not tangible; it's just something they have chosen."

"So if you wanted Christians to hear one thing, what would you tell us?"

"I guess I'd just like Christians and church leaders to be more honest. Not just with me, but with everyone in their churches. Stop treating faith as a fact. Call it a hope. Call it confidence, not certainty. I guess I'd like some straight-shooting; 'Hi, Life is challenging. But we've found that being followers of Jesus has helped us. Maybe it could help you too.' That'd be refreshing. And I'd be interested in hearing more and asking questions. In short, I'd be interested in having a conversation."

(Jim and Casper Go To Church, pg. 145)

I Voted

2008-11-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

"Vote on Godly Principles"

2008-10-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

This post is a response to an article you can find HERE.

Basically, in my opinion, this article is suggesting that our government is Christian and that Christians must be Republican. See some quotes and thoughts below:

“Former U.S. Congressman Bob McEwen addressed students during Monday’s convocation, reminding them of the principles and values the country was founded upon.”

Growing up in the Midwest and in a very religious household, I was taught that our country was founded on principles that aligned with the Christian religion. And since I’ve never really studied history or government or the founding fathers beyond elementary school – it seemed good to me, so I didn’t question it. On the west coast, however, where I now live, I’ve met a lot of people who don’t believe this all. “They” argue that the founding fathers were Deists at best… and that is a huge stretch of historical facts to tie their beliefs to anything else.

Regardless of their personal spiritual preferences, the founding fathers all agreed that the freedom of religion and spirituality was important enough to establish laws to protect. In the midst of this conversation, I think this is the part that matters most. And I am not sure that most Christians understand the implications of what this really means. In order to establish a country that believes in and protects religious freedom, a country cannot be founded on any one religion. They would have to figure out what was most essential and human and commonly valued by all – regardless of religion – and base the country on that… hence the development of the Constitution.

This would lead me to conclude that our country was based on the Constitution, not on Christianity. Our religious freedom is what makes us different than most other countries. If you elect a candidate solely because he promises, or claims, to base his decisions on one religion – you begin to take away that freedom for all those people that follow other religions. America is a country of diversity – we have Mormons, Muslims, Atheists, Hindus, Buddhists… our beauty is found in our diversity. We must protect our freedom.

Side note:
The article goes on to say, “"Fewer taxes give us more freedom. A strong defense protects our freedom, and that's what government should do." Well… that’s a matter of opinion. It depends heavily on what taxes do and who they serve. Our defense depends heavily on how we use it – not on the how enormous it is. In the days of war when men fought each other face to face with guns and knives, this might be more important. In today’s world of bombs and explosions – the less the better.

Office Halloween Party

2008-10-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

My office had a Halloween party at lunch today that included a pumpkin carving contest and a costume contest. I was nominated to be a judge for both so I didn't have to dress up or carve anything! The picture above is me and the other pumpkin judges giving out our awards - the one I am holding up won the "least amount of effort" award (somebody just used a black sharpie to mark a smiley face on it) and the other happy-go-lucky design won the "cheery spirit" award. The one just behind me is the first place winner - a carved out design of Obama's face!

Death Row Doctors...

2008-10-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

In the book Better: A Surgeon’s Notes on Performance, the author, Atul Gawande, interviews doctors that are involved in death row executions. I have to admit that when I think about whether I approve or oppose of the death row, the doctors that have to carry out the sentence are the farthest thing from my mind. The interviews were fascinating – how did they end up in this line of work, how does it effect their view of medicine, how does it effect their view of themselves… no unnecessary drama or guilt… just a conversation.

Atul Gawande discusses the oath that physicians take in order to practice medicine. Here is the original oath, translated from Greek into English (emphasis mine):

I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath.

To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.
I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.

I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.

But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.

I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.
In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.

All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.

If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot.

One of the questions Gawande asks the doctors is how their involvement with death row relates to this famous oath. Looking back over the wording of the actual oath, I understand that parts of it are clearly and obviously ignored by physicians now due to advancements in technology and law. However, regardless of whether a physician religiously holds to this oath or not, I tend to assume that they all continue to maintain a determination to cause no harm and to help those they serve. Hence my immense curiosities to hear what the physician’s thoughts on the subject are.

I believe that doctors aren’t required by law to be involved in executions… but have been requested due to accidents that happen with administering the doses… such as obese prisoners not dying immediately but slowly suffocating due to the paralysis they feel. Logically, we’d want a doctor to be there to cause the least amount of suffering while administering death, right?

The whole thing is slightly disturbing though I appreciate viewing this issue from another perspective. It helps me to rethink my opinions and views… to see a little bit more of the implications of some of the things we make removed decisions about. Though this has no relevance (that I know of) to any political discussions currently being engaged in our country – I wanted to write while the thoughts were still in my head…

political bread

2008-10-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

This upcoming election is everywhere. Nearly every popular public place in Berkeley has people with campaign buttons and voter registration cards! You can't turn on the television without hearing the latest on Palin's fashion to Obama's grandmother. It's crazy! Regardless of the outcome, the energy and excitment in undeniable... at least in the SF bay. Even the local bakeries are getting involved!

my yelo

2008-10-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Two weekends ago, Mosaic hosted an event we call yelo. Here is the tagline from the website:

yelō uses the Gallup StrengthsFinder, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and Character Matrix to help individuals uncover their unique strengths and make their irreplaceable contribution to humanity. Join us for this unrivaled experience and discover the life you are created to live!

Our goal is to continue to develop yelo in order to impact and serve the Bay area - no strings attached, no set expectations or obligations for those who come. At this last event, my entire interiors team wanted to come! It was exciting to see how excited and interested they were in really making the most of this information.

So post-yelo we have decided to have one person a week, from the team of seven, share their strengths in their own words and then develop a few goals or tasks. I thought I'd volunteer to go first, as I've been exposed to yelo for a few years now and have had some extra time to think. I was so excited about it I wanted to post it for all my friends and family.

My top-five strengths:
Input:
I am inquisitive. I find so many things interesting – the world is full of variety and diversity and I am energized by keeping my mind fresh and open to knowing more. I am challenged by the unknown.

Intellection:
I am introspective. I am energized by taking time to process and reflect on the things I find interesting. I have a complex internal world – with my own board of directors. I like to pose questions to myself and try out different ideas. I am good at taking a lot of information and breaking it down into the most important or relevant parts.

Restorative:
I am energized by breaking down complexity and finding the core or source of problems/information. I thrive on independence and freedom – and being given the responsibility to find out different ideas/solutions.

Responsibility:
In the process, I tend to develop a psychological bond to the problems and information that I ponder. Because I am drawn to ideas and solutions, I am compelled to share them with those around me though I find the responsibility to carry them out to the maximum amount of detail to be overwhelming. I work best with clear boundaries… knowing what is expected of me.

Arranger:
I am committed to finding the best way or idea or solution possible. I am an example of “effective flexibility”, whether I am changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. Hence I will resist too much rigidity or structure – always keeping it open to change in case a better way is found.

Goals to develop strengths:
1. Organization: I can get lost in a sea of information and need to continue to develop effective systems to help retrieve or make the most of all the information.
2. Expression: I need to continue to find ways to express or share the information and thoughts that I develop.

Measurable Goals/Tasks for the office:
1. Making time to share ideas and information such as through in-house presentations, articles, or reviews.
2. Breaking down sustainability criteria into tangible tools other designers can use.
3. To be developed!

Racial Inequality

2008-10-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Recently, Kv had the pleasure of meeting the managing director of a local theatre. He was greatly inspired by her passion and vision for the Bay area and was compelled to see a performance there. So this weekend we went to see the play Yellowjackets, which was about Berkeley High School in 1993-94. The story was built around the students and staff involved with the high school newspaper that year. Through a series of controversial articles published in the paper, racial tension quickly emerged. The play was witty and compelling - I recommend it if you get a chance.

Another book I read earlier this year, but have yet to fully review, is Class Dismissed. It is also focused on BHS and the racial tension and inequality issues of the graduating class of 2000. The year I graduated…. though at that time I was in Kansas City. BHS seems to have developed a reputation as a microcosm of the country in this particular issue. It is the only high school in the city… with over 3,000 students of multiple ethnicities and material wealth. It provides an unending case study to sociologists, social justice, psychologists, professors, etc. Even walking by the campus – with its multiple buildings and formidable walls, ignites my curiosity. It reminds me of the high school I went to when we lived in Colorado… similar issues, similar student differences, similar prison looking buildings… though I never got the chance to graduate from there due to my family's relocation to KC.

My third encounter with this particular subject is also recent, regarding politics and race. Lately, NPR (National Public Radio) has been discussing the possible backlash that may occur regardless of which candidate gets elected next week. I am sure this topic isn't too surprising to anyone, yet it makes me feel so uneasy. A few weeks ago I awoke from a nightmare in which pro-White people randomly attacked African Americans throughout the country in retaliation. It wasn't too long ago that our country supported racial discrimination in the form of slavery. Can we keep this discrimination in the past where it belongs? I sure hope so.

Rockumentary

2008-10-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

Last night we went and saw a “rockumentary” called Call and Response. I have to admit that I was reluctant to go specifically due to the intensity of the subject matter – Human trafficking/slavery. I tend to oppose subjecting myself to visually disturbing experiences under the guise of being able to relate or know more about a subject. I don’t need to see rape to understand the severity of its implications. I don’t have to see violence to understand its destructiveness. Yet somehow, I think our visual aid hungry society disagrees with me. Thankfully, this film didn’t.

I thought it was thoughtfully composed and creatively brilliant. Between different popular musicians playing a song on the subject matter, the film showed interviews with popular activists, photographs of some of trafficking’s victims and even provided commentary on some of the deep issues connected to this dark secret. I found the ability of the music to communicate passion and concern to be extremely powerful… penetrating the soul. I guess I hadn’t yet consciously connected the power of music with activism until I had it displayed right before me.

Never underestimate the power of music to create movement.

I really really needed to be reminded of that… to say the least.

Is that a good thing?

2008-09-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

One of the senior members of my office told me I was "tenacious" today... in the context of sustainability and information. Tenacious is not a word I use very often - so I'm not entirely sure how to interpret it. I looked it up in the dictionary: holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold; highly retentive; pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate. I am assuming that tenacious is a good thing... unless, of course, she is referring to the stubbornness...

On another note, last night was my second indoor soccer game. It was… character development, to say the least. We were short two people while the other team had four or five substitute players. At half time, the score was 6 to 0. They scored 7 more goals in the twenty-five minutes of the second half. I barely survived – and I mean this in reference to my heart turning evil. There was day when I played with the mentality that if I was going to lose, I was going to make the other team feel it the next day, to say the least. But I kept my mouth shut and I kept playing for the dang ball… against all odds, I still believed I could score if I had one more good play…

What I love most about playing soccer is that – when I am playing soccer, that is all I am doing. I am all there. All that matters is where my teammates are and where the ball is. When I emerge from the field I’m returning from another world. Hence the reason it is all too easy to let my competitive side drive me… anywhere. It is good to get to play again!

Garbage Land

2008-09-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished a book called Garbage Land and loved it! It is long past it's library due date thanks to my determination to write a review. And so, before I owe the library it's value to own, I try to write.

The book is written by a journalist in the New York City area that follows her household garbage to it's final destination - including landfills, recycling centers, compost facilities, etc. I really appreciate her writing style in that she included her own thoughts as she did the facts. It makes a book that covers a mundane topic (to most) very witty and revealing. She uncovers the secret paths of garbage as a detective a crime mystery. I learned many random and interesting things that I thought I'd briefly share with you. I have to warn you, some of this news is rather grim - but I think it's important to be educated - in hopes that we can make more thoughtful and wise choices every day.

Some random facts:

1. A ten ton garbage truck gets three miles to the gallon.

2. 125 years ago the kitchen trash can didn't exist. Until the late 1880s, the stove was the principal means of disposal.

3. The largest active landfill in the United States is located in Whittier, California.

4. Nearly all waste transfer stations, landfills, wastewater treatment plants are located in low-income neighborhoods and communities of color. There are multiple studies that indicate higher rates of cancer, leukemia, and birth defects affect those who live within 250 feet of a landfill.

5. Local household chemicals, such as cleaners and shampoos, eat away at plastic liners in buried landfill sites - allowing "leachate" to contaminate underground water. (A good reason not to throw them away... or even buy toxic stuff in the first place.)

6. The NYC mob ran the waste business for some time before Giuliani ran it out.

7. An average of sixty percent of household waste can be composted.

8. As paper is recycled over and over again, it's fibers become shorter, making it only usable in lower grade paper products like cereal and shoe boxes. Inks, glues and dyes reduce the number of times clean white paper can be recycled to four. After being recycled four times, the short fibers are used in things like kitty liter and potting soil.

9. Virgin paper-making depletes forests and uses more water than any other industrial process. It dumps billions of gallons of contaminated water (with chlorinated dioxin) into nearby lakes and rivers. The process of recycling paper cuts water usage in half, provides jobs, and creates a sell-able product.

10. It is better to throw kleen-x and tissues into the toilet b/c sewage treatment plants decompose organic waste and paper - in a landfill, they might not decompose at all (due to lack of oxygen) or if they do, they would produce methane gas (a greenhouse gas).

11. We ship most of our "recyclables" (such as metals and plastics) to third world countries, of which 50 percent is contaminated. This waste is left for ragpickers to go through - or sent to factories where women and children work for less than thirty cents a day.

12. Plastic is not recyclable as metal, glass and paper are. "Streams of mixed plastic can be turned into only one other product (plastic wood, garden pavers, or toothbrush handles, for example). When their useful life is over, these products cannot be 'recycled' again. They have to be burned or buried. Either way, they add toxins to the environment. Unmixed streams are another matter: they actually can be refashioned into bottles and containers. But there isn't much demand from their makers for recycled plastic. Virgin is so much cheaper." (Garbage Land, pg. 190, Royte)

13. Human waste treatment plants do not address hormones and antibiotics flushed down the toilet by hospitals and patients.

14. "Biosolids" - the part of human waste that is left over in treatment plants, and municipal sludge - is commonly used as fertilizer by large industry ran farms. The use of manure as fertilizer is not new, however, this human waste is often unregulated (or loosely regulated b/c they don't know what else to do with it). It may contain many chemicals - including the bleach and unused medicine we flush down the toilet.

15. "For every barrel of trash you set on the curb, there are 71 barrels of waste generated upstream, in manufacturing all the stuff you bought, used for just a short amount of time, and then consigned to the dump. Municipal solid waste is only 2 percent of the entire U.S. waste stream: the rest is manufacturing waste, agricultural waste, mining waste, construction and demolition debris, and other rarefied categories." (pg. 3, Reading Group Guide, Garbage Land, Royte.)

Changes we've thought about since reading this book:

1. Composting. See blog post below for more information. I was familiar with the concept but uneducated about the benefits and our city does most of the work :)

2. Giving preference to products with recycled content to help promote the continued collection and production of recycled material. This includes paper towels, toilet paper, printer paper, etc. It can also include clothing, decorative items, rugs and carpet, etc.

3. Becoming a "plastic free" household. We use glass containers for left-overs, wood cutting boards and counters, metal water bottles, etc.

4. Purchase with end of life cycle in mind - this might mean spending more money for a higher quality product that we can keep longer and use more. For example, we recently needed to buy a new shower curtain. I looked at so many stores - I got frustrated. Most stores only offered cheap, vinyl curtains. We finally found a washable, cotton curtain - but there was a noticeable cost difference. However, due to my recent reading and my field of work, I was determined to find an alternative to vinyl.

5. Getting more involved in the manufacturing and design of consumer goods - and hope to help by designing better products. Durable products that stand the test of time, are made of renewable materials and are free of toxic chemicals.

6. Attending our city's waste informational meetings. The city provides opportunities for locals to learn about how they collect and distribute waste. It is also a good opportunity to learn about upcoming changes. (SF is banning the throwing away of all "sharps" starting September 1st. Apparently their waste sorting team was getting stuck by too many needles.)

Secrets of the sidewalk

2008-08-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

"Remain inside."

Twice this week I've been asked to remain inside due to violence or police activity outside. The first time was at the office... an email warns us to "avoid the back lot due to police activity". We all receive the email simultaneously and look up - a group of about 20 moves to the windows wondering what could possibly be happening out there. We see nothing but a cop or two walking around.. the action is just out of view and we return to our desks.

Then last night - we arrived at a pizza/bar place down the street from a friends. We arrived at 10:30 and saw police cars parked across the street... but no activity. It looked similar to a police car pulling somebody over on the side of the road. We wondered why there were five police cars and hardly any people even out.

Within minutes, as we sit inside and order pizza - the servers go to the front and lock the doors - as a person running by bangs on the glass of the windows. We are asked by the bar to remain inside with drinks on the house until the police release us. We watch as hundreds of youth take off running in the street - and as police take out rubber bullet guns. We suspect a gang fight and now understand the overload of cops earlier. They knew what was coming.

Within the hour the streets are cleared yet a few police cars remain to enforce the peace. The bar tells us we are free to leave and asks us to be careful as we walk home.

We walk outside... the streets the same as the often are. I feel a mixture of emotions... At first it is unreal and my curiosity far outweighs my sense of fear, or reality. Then sadness, as I realize this isn't the film set of an action movie, but the real lives of some of those who live here. Then fear - this is not a joke - we begin to honestly pray that nobody gets hurt.

It is here one minute and gone the next. As we walk back to the car I tread carefully on the sidewalk - oh the stories the concrete holds in silence...

Twice this week. Twice too much.

The Greenest City in California

2008-08-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

According to the Daily Californian, I live in the greenest city in California - Albany. At least, politically. That means my city is the most politically environmentally minded group in the state. Are our political views reflected in the way we live our lives? The article believes so, as it evaluates the number of hybrids and LEED buildings. However, both of these things, LEED and hybrids, tend to appeal to the small minority of us that can afford them. But the simple and small things - inexpensive and unimpressive - we can all do. Such as compost - Albany picks up all your organic and garden waste and composts it for you. All you have to do is throw your green waste into the bin. According to the book, Garbage Land, sixty percent of our daily household trash is compostable. That includes food stained paper and cardboard, unused vegetables, coffee grinds, and grass clippings (if any of us actually had grass). The hardest part about it is taking the time to dump the greens - before your kitchen starts to smell :)

Another small step - biking (or cycling if you prefer). Granted, you have to purchase a bike... but $400 for a simple road bike compared to the cost of a car - with insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. - it will pay itself off within a month. The Bay area has already built in numerous bike lanes and routes - and provides websites to help you navigate the city, such as 511.org. The perceptions of biking have got to change - from something only upper class people who need to exercise do - to something everybody can do. Heck - I see homeless people riding bikes all the time (which is a good reminder to keep them locked when not in use.) We recently gave up one of our cars and I've been riding my bike to and from work every day. Thankfully, in the SF Bay area this is relatively easy to do as my office is only four miles away from our house and as the temperature is usually somewhere in the low 60s in the morning. Perfect for a less sweaty early morning ride :)

The last thing I'll mention today is partnering with a CSA (community supported agriculture) program. We have a delivery site for Full Belly Farm less than 200 feet from our house - and there are multiple delivery sites throughout the East Bay. This might not sound simple initially - and the cost might raise some doubt - but the $17 we pay twice a month provides almost too much vegetables for our small family to eat. It saves me a trip to the grocery store, keeps us seasonal and local, and I love the challenge of figuring out how to use all the stuff we get. Beyond that, the Ecology Center in Berkeley is determined to widen access to local farmer markets to make them more affordable for all. They have volunteers set up small sidewalk stores all over the city on different days of the week.

Waste reducing compost, oil free bike riding, and vegetable providing CSA's are some of those simple, inexpensive steps that all East Bay residents can aspire to - so that our "greenness" isn't measured just by hybrids and LEED buildings alone - but by the way we change our life in the small things.

Day 12 of 21

2008-05-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

Barely hanging on. My determination to stick to the fast dissipated on day 11. I caved at dinner when a server put a bread basket right in front of my plate. I caved later that night when somebody gave me a gift basket full of chocolate. Man... am I feeling it today! I am not ready to quit though... and I think we'll make this last week more spiritual than the previous ones. The first two were more about detox and health. The last one will be about restraint and pursuing our community. That should help strengthen our resolve for the last seven days!

Though the results of the first 12 days haven't been near as dramatic or noticeable as I was hoping (at least for me), there are some things I've noted:
1. Meal planning is significantly quicker because the meals are simplified. Adding meat and dairy adds so much more complexity - so much more planning and preparation.
2. Meal planning is essential. I must think about what foods are available and plan ahead - to prevent moments of desperation for things that don't really satisfy.
3. Food is personal. We've had more conversations about food than I can count. Everybody's background and culture contribute significantly to the things we choose to eat.
4. We don't know much about food. In many of our conversations, we'll discuss our beliefs about food. One friend was fully convinced grapes were completely empty of vitamins. Another promises the skin is the most healthy part. Another person swears by tomato juice. We aren't even sure what "whole grain" even really is.
5. I'm tired. The first few days I'd fall asleep by 10pm. The night I caved and ate chocolate (at 9:30pm) I was up until 3am. All those dang sugars...
6. It is readily apparent how stubborn I am. Some days I will literally wait until I am starving before I'll eat a fruit or a vegetable or a nut or a grain.
7. Fruit and granola tastes great. This is one new food I am hoping to continue eatting after the fast.
8. It is cheap. Cutting out animal products cuts out a lot of cost.
9. I just want to eat some chocolate.

Nine more days left!

Day 3 of 21

2008-05-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

We started a 21 day detox this week – in an attempt to help ourselves make “healthier” food choices by breaking some of our addictions (to meat, sugar, processed stuff). Our current food choices include all vegetables and fruit, whole wheats, oats, barley, etc., nuts and beans.

The first two days my excitement about getting healthier sustained me. Today, though, I don’t want to eat any of the approved foods. I am thankful that I spend most of my days at the office because it helps limit my access. Today I sat at my desk starting at my salad, thinking I’d rather go hungry than eat it. But eventually I gave in to my hunger and consumed the salad.

You may be laughing – thinking how hard can it really be? But we are not fruit and vegetable people! I keep hoping that somehow this will change my attitude towards vegetables. Maybe I’ll actually want to eat them! But as my initial excitement wears off, my hope slowly diminishes. Today I dread eating – not another vegetable or fruit or bean please!

Incomplete thoughts about pigs

2008-05-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

The phrase "the pigness of pigs" keeps swirling around in my mind and I find my thoughts returning to it regardless of how irrelevant to the moment it is. I first came across this phrase as I was reading The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. In this section of the book he was visiting a truly organic small farm in Virginia and working alongside the interns and farmers. The day he used the phrase is the day he witnessed the pigs plowing through manure. Unfortunately I can't remember all the details (like what animals did the manure belong to, chickens or cows?) but I'll try to paint a vague picture so you'll appreciate the phrase as much as I did. I guess that pigs like something in manure and as they plow through it the hooves of their feet compost the pile into incredibly rich soil (which is then put over the fields). Pollan was explaining the complexity of relationships on the farm and how beautifully the entire system works together.

He was amazed as he watched their little tails wiggle as they worked their way through the pile. I guess pigs are relatively intelligent animals and can express happiness and also despair. On this little organic farm, the pigs wiggled their tails in pleasure. In factory farms, their tails are cut off so that as they move through the assembly line, the pig behind them won't be tempted to chew it – as they tend to do when in despair.

I am laughing as I type – here I am talking about manure and pig tails. Yuck! I can't believe the kind of stuff my gnawing curiosity will drive me to read!

The book continues with a discussion on how both the organic and factory farm pigs are, in a sense, exploited. One exploits them as a matter of efficiency and production, the other as a way of "celebrating" what the pigs naturally love to do. The small, organic farm had mastered "the pigness of the pigs."

One possible reason this phrase is soaking in my thoughts is because of its correlation to what I believe Mosaic is attempting to do (as I said, in my mind.) There is a type of church that exploits humans for the sake of safety. The other exploits humans as a tool of empowerment to change the world. Utilizing the "humanness of the humans" in a sense. I think that one type of church is convinced all "humanness" is bad while the other is attempting to empower the parts of "humanness" that reflect the image of God.

In the end, both pigs will be slaughtered and it is the meat that will determine their end value. Some may argue that since both ways achieve the same end – why does it matter what method was used to get them there? It is a valid question, to be sure, and one I don't think I can address in this post. I know I am leaving so much left undiscussed...

I know that as I write about this I am over-simplifying in great ways. The "pigness of the pig" doesn't easily translate into the "humanness of the human", especially if the farm is substituted for the church. However, I think its worth some thought – I know it will be in mind for quite awhile.

Person of Peace

2008-05-01T09:24:00.001-07:00

Speak the Music event last week – an event dedicated to supporting the art of beatboxing. I absolutely LOVED it – I spent most of the night in awe of the all of the different sounds.

I caught my mind scheming about different ways to change myself to “fit in” here – to be more like them – with the music and passion I so admire.

Oh it all sounds so dumb in a post!!

Moving on… I don’t like to think of myself as one who wants to “fit in” at all. Normally I’d reject the idea altogether with a laugh. But then Speak the Music happened – and now I have undeniable proof – of my longing to be accepted. To belong.

For a lot of my life I’ve felt like I didn’t quite fit. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. I wasn’t skinny enough, fast enough, bold enough. I spent many years in silence being shy. I don’t remember speaking much at all in middle school. I went through so many stages – with every new crowd I’d try a new thing. Like that time I tried to be a “skater” for a month. I borrowed a black pair of Jinkos from a friend and pretended I could ride a skateboard. Then I tried the pot-smoking crowd. They were so friendly and accepting. But I really didn’t care to smoke, though I tried. Then there was the church youth group – but the only reason I fit there for awhile was because my mother convinced the older girls to have pity for me and take me in. (When they accidentally became my real friends, they told me the truth.) Then there was the gangster stage when I learned some slang, braided my hair, and pretended I was “street smart.” The list goes on and on… maybe I should call it “The People I tried to be”.

In the last few years, my disdain for myself has become unavoidable and readily apparent. I was never enough… for me. Of course I could blame it on my parents, but as the time continues to pass and the distance between us grows, it becomes more of a stretch. I can’t keep blaming others for the things I chose to believe.

I spent so many years as a wanderer – lost – searching. I traveled around the world – to China, Europe, Africa, and South America – all in search of myself.

I remember why I hated living in Los Angeles so much. It wasn’t me and I wasn’t enough. The flawless beauty and fashion of the women around me only helped me remember myself as plain and ordinary. I remember a year and a half into it, when I finally found the words to say “I don’t like who I’ve become.”

What then? Where do you go next? I had to endure. I survived. My determination outweighed my faintness of heart. Because although I may be lost – I am not a quitter. (Though I quit like 15 jobs in high school – but that was then.)

Then, finally, we moved here. Here. I determined last night that regardless of whether or not I ever married Kevin, we (God and I) would have eventually came here. I don’t know how long it would have taken – but we would be here. This is my place of peace. This is the time for my heart to heal and accept who I am and who I am not… and live. There is something to be said about a person of peace. I want to be that person.

Season of Silence

2008-04-19T22:49:00.001-07:00

I’ve been on a reading binge. My hunger for knowledge and new information compels me to retreat into my thoughts. With every page, I feel myself pulled deeper and deeper – into the expanses of my mind. It is an unending voyage. I could set sail and disappear forever in the adventures of the infinite horizon.

Though the ring of my cell phone quickly brings me back to the front porch where I now sit, it takes me nearly a half hour to transition my mind – to tie up the boat and step back onto the dock. Promises to return help calm my irritation.

Back in the busyness I feel slightly awkward and out of place. Not much has changed since I’ve been gone – but I feel so different. I even begin to wonder if I left my social skills behind… or if I ever had them to begin with. I want to apologize and tell them not to worry, “I am just an introvert,” yet those words make me cringe. I do not want to be misunderstood. I love people. The intensity of my curiosity could drive me to devote hours and days and weeks and months to studying their thoughts. I could stand in silence forever just to be able to listen to their voices.

Iron Jawed Angels

2008-03-12T15:26:00.001-07:00

Ishmael the Gorilla, Part II

2008-03-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

Did God stop creating once man was created?
Was the world created for man... or was man created to be part of all creation?
What did the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil represent?
What if we had ate from the Tree of Life instead?
Does intelligence evolve over time?

To use a metaphor that Ishmael mentioned, I feel like a tourist in my hometown. Residents don't act like tourists because they don't need to - they know their land. They know the monument that sits in the town square and the boats that sail in the bay. There is no need to revisit them and take pictures to refer back to - for they are embedded in our minds and in our consciousness - or are they? I feel like a tourist in my hometown. I thought I knew what it looked like, but at a second glance I am surprised. Is this what I saw last time I was here? Is this what the tourists see?

Everybody has colored lenses that they view life through. Our lenses are built from our past - our experiences, our thoughts, our personalities, our talents, our hopes, our dreams... they are uniquely ours. Often times it seems we search for people in life that have similar lenses to our own. Its only natural I think - a result of an innate desire to belong to someone, with something. To belong.

And now I'm twenty five. There is nothing special about my age - but it has changed my quest - my search. My desire to belong has not disappeared, nor has it been checked off as if I've managed to complete it - a new quest has merely filled my time and my thoughts. I can't quite name it yet and I hesitate to do so. As if slapping on a name would confine the quest in unexpected ways. All I know is this - before I was even aware of what I was doing, I've managed to slip on different pairs of lenses. Lenses so different, sometimes contrasting, to the one I once refused to live without.

At times I feel fear - as if I'm losing my mind or on the verge of going crazy. At other times I feel enlightened - as if I'm seeing life for the very first time.

I'll leave you with a quote from Ishmael, a very different, abstract lens...
"In other words, the world doesn't need to belong to man - but it does need man to belong to it. Some creature had to be the first to go through this, had to see that there were two trees in the garden, one that was good for gods and one that was good for creatures. Some creature had to find the way and if that happened, then there was just no limit to what could happen here. In other words, man does have a place in the world, but its not his place to rule. The gods have that in hand. Man's place is to be the first. Man's place is to be the first without being the last.
Ishmael, pg. 243, Daniel Quinn

Ishmael the gorilla

2008-02-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I started reading the first book I’ve ever checked out of the library (at least since we’ve moved here) – Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. The book immediately captivated me and as I sit in my office this morning, I dream about being able to read again. Nine more hours till I get to re-enter into the adventure… nine more hours.

While I wait, and as I work, I think about what I’ve read so far. In the two chapters I’ve had the pleasure of reading, the book talks about the captivating effects of culture. Like an animal forced to move forward in a stampede – so the movement of culture can make us face a direction we didn’t exactly choose. It talks about how culture whispers to us constantly – a voice so consistent that it disappears into the background. Like a constant buzzing – it is always there, just under the radar of our consciousness.

My thoughts wander to a news update I heard this morning as the alarm went off. It was a report from Texas about the upcoming elections. The reporter was interviewing a few people from one of those massive mega churches. When asked about who they would vote for, the Christians remarked, “Well of course we’re voting for Huckabee because he’s a Christian.” After a few more seconds, and a few more comments directed at Hillary and the roles of women in leading, I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to turn it off. I calmed myself by imagining that if I silenced my radio it somehow silenced it to the rest of the world.

Now back to culture – I ponder the relationship between Jesus and culture. He was magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural at the same time. The more I learn about him, the more I admire his mysticism and genius. The church, or rather the body of believers that follow Jesus, have a difficult model to imitate. When I think about the Texas mega Christians I can’t help but think they missed it – they thought that creating their own sub-culture apart from the “worldly” one would be sufficient… but, in my opinion, it only led to estrangement and alienation of others different from them. I say this, realizing how tempting it is to do just this – to create a safe place, a refuge – to keep moving forward with culture yet feel protected by your own walls. I could easily fall into making the same choices – but my location and my experience have led me down a different path from them. Indeed, I’m sure I’ve created my own walls around different subjects and for different purposes – but we’ll save that discussion for another day.

So what does this look like – how will we do it – be magnificently relevant yet counter-cultural? I don’t think I can figure it out today, or on my own accord, but I’m excited for the journey.

Take Back My TV

2008-02-26T15:55:00.001-08:00

Women of the church

2008-02-22T15:33:00.001-08:00

Here I go again, causing trouble. I promise, it's not intentional. And I am not the least bit angry as I write... and I am definitely not trained in "writing" so please be gracious with me as I engage this conversation...

To start, the topic of women leadership has been on my mind A LOT. It seems to come up in a lot of my conversations and it is always in the back of my mind as I process thru different areas. Shortly before the holidays, I ran across this book, Microtrends, and I had to read it. The reason I mention this book is because it backs up the increasing sense of urgency I've felt around women leadership/involvement. The book immediately starts out by talking about the rising number of single women in the United States - and how they outnumber men 53 to 47. It goes on to talk about women outnumbering men in fields like law, public relations, and journalism. Women outvoted men 54 to 46 percent in the 2004 presidential election. Women outnumber men in college by about 57 to 43 percent. And it doesn't stop there - single women were the second largest group of home-buyers in 2005. It goes on to talk about the large percentage of women that own or manage their own business, how women purchase more cars than men... and on and on. Basically, if we look at the statistics, the United States of America is quickly becoming all about women. Women owned, managed, designed...

I fear that if women leadership/involvement is not made a serious priority - the church will lose relevance with over half of the United States.

I'll conclude sharing one thought - this is one of the most liberating thoughts I've come across so far concerning women and God - and the main reason I've become increasingly concerned that men misunderstand who God is.

In the introduction to the book, The End of All Religion, Bruxy Cavey says "I should also take this opportunity to mention that I use the male pronouns "he" and "him" in reference to God with both regret and conviction. The Bible does not teach that God is male. God is Spirit, within whom maleness and femaleness both find their origin and identity (see Genesis 1:26-27; John 4:24). And here we encounter the limitations of language. English, like the original languages of the Bible (Hebrew and Greek), does not provide us with a gender-inclusive, singular, personal pronoun. And I don't want to refer to God in impersonal terms. (He is not an it.) Therefore, I use male pronouns because of my conviction that God is personal, not because I think he is male. Further, I wish to align my syntax with the ancient languages."

Sometimes advertising works

2008-01-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

One of my co-workers is from Germany. Another is from Denmark. I love to hear them answer the phone when a family member calls - as they speak their native language. It is one of my favorite things about California - the diversity of people. In the grand scheme of things, we are all alike in that we are human. It's the small things that can make us so very different.

A perfect example, is assuming both co-workers were unmarried because they didn't have a ring on their left hand. When I finally asked her, my friend from Germany explained that they (Europeans) wear wedding rings on their right hand. Same finger, different hand. It wasn't until a week later at work, that I realized my co-worker from Denmark wears a ring on her right hand - hence the reason I always assumed she was unmarried. And it's not the type of ring that shouts "American engagement" either - they are bands without diamonds that they receive only on their wedding day (not at their engagement). My German friends also told me that they don't spend a "ridiculous" amount of money like Americans do either.

Wow - we really gave into the diamond advertising didn't we?

Microtrends: Swing is Still King

2008-01-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading Microtrends - written by Mark Penn - a guy that built a career out of gathering information and turning them into useful statistics. The book emphasizes the significance of 1 percent of the population. One percent. One percent of people making a similar choice - contrary to mainstream - that can create a movement capable of changing the world. It's not a book about how they will change the world, but about how they could. It's a fascinating study of what could be.

The book covers everything - Love, Sex, Relationships, work life, race and religion, health and wellness, family life, teens, lifestyle, money and class, fashion... Every area of life you could imagine. Of course it has a section on politics as well - and today, that is the section most on my mind.

Rather than try to rephrase his work, I'll include some quotes below. I've said this before and I'll say it again - it's an exciting time to be alive. Change is in the air.

"In the past fifty years, the number of Americans who call themselves Independents, rather than Democrats or Republicans, has grown from under one-quarter to over one-third of the voting public. In California alone, the proportion of Independent voters more than doubled between 1991 and 2005. The fastest growing political party in America is no party."

"That is a radical new willingness on the part of Americans to look at individual candidates, not party slates. It's the sign of a thinking electorate, not a partisan one."

"The power of the swing voters versus the base is not limited to the United States. In the U.K., there is the same kind of shift making the difference between Labour and Conservative governments. Once again, voters free of the party reins switch back and forth, most often based on who they believe will make the best leader, not which party they believe has the right platform."

"The impact is profound. The movement to watch is really the global Third Way movement - the triumph of pragmatic, independent thinking over left- or right-wing theology."

It's an exciting time to be alive. Change is in the air.

Back into the deep end.

2008-01-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I practiced walking with my eyes closed. It was an unplanned activity that took place on the Berkeley Marina pier. It happened quite accidentally – I was savoring the heat of the sun on my face and the wind blowing against my back – and couldn’t help but close my eyes. Do you think I’m crazy yet? Or maybe I’m just strange?

I am okay with strange.

Home for the holidays

2008-01-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays, Kevin and I went to Kansas City to visit our families and friends. One morning, everybody in the house was gone and I had a few hours to myself. I sat in a chair, looking out the window, watching the snow fall. It was beautiful.

I can see Him so clearly out there. In the peace – the way the snow falls gently to the ground. In the tree branches, I can see Him move. His voice travels with the wind and blows against the house. I take a deep breath and let the natural beauty soak into my soul. I could sit there forever.

The banging of doors and the sound of voices breaks the silence and I have to turn away from the window to greet the family. I look over my shoulder, towards the snow, as if to say “goodbye” - as I know the busyness of family and friends will soon capture my attention and I’ll quickly forget the snow.

Several hours later I am sitting on the bed, the house is silent. I stare outside the window, but into darkness. I long for the peace and beauty of this morning… but all I can see is my reflection in the glass. I sigh and reassure myself that tomorrow the snow will still be there – He will still be there.

I lay on my bed and ask myself, “If God is so easy to access by looking out the window, if God can be found in the simple beauty of nature, where does Jesus fit in? Why does Jesus say he is ‘the way, the truth, and the life’ if I can see God clearly just by looking outside?”

The simplicity of the answer shocked me as I heard, “Because it doesn’t last.”

The peace, the silence, the beauty – it disappears as you turn away from the window. Try as I might, I can’t keep it within me. No matter how long I sit and stare and try to memorize the snow – its beauty and peace and stillness escape my mind’s attempts to define and hold it.

What about all those moments in life when you don’t have access to a window?

Besides, since when did staring out the window help me love my husband? Or empower me to forgive? When I’m staring out the window – the world is all about me. I’ve heard the thoughts in my head – I’ll tell Him, “It’s just you and me now.” I don’t have to love a single person. The beauty, the stillness, the peace, is unchanged by the condition of my heart.

If anything, Jesus turned my head that night. Stop looking for Me outside, and look inside. Is peace, stillness and beauty there? Look for Me here.

Vote Help

2008-01-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

Not sure which candidate is right for you? VoteHelp is an easy to use nonpartisan candidate calculator that tracks the main politicans' stands on important issues. Input your opinions, weight the importance of the issues, and find out how each candidate's views match your own!

How much water do you use?

2008-01-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

A new website with a H2O calculator helps you figure out how much water you actually use. I use way more than I like to admit. What can I say - I LOVE long, hot showers :)

H2O Conserve

Second time champ

2008-01-08T11:06:00.001-08:00

I finally found something I can beat him at! Disneyland Buzz Lightyear ride. Mosaic Staff Christmas Party December 21, 2007.

Movie Support

2007-12-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last weekend a small group of us went to see the movie The Golden Compass. We haven't heard too much about it here in the SF area - except in reference to it's graphics or sci-fi/fantasy genre (which many, many SF people are seriously into). However, when I called a few friends back in Kansas, they mentioned a lot of controversy around the film - and some even questioned my "support" of a film such as this. To be clear, I am not bothered at all by these questions. I find skepticism and questioning to be healthy and even enjoyable. So I respond in this post not out of a need to defend myself - but out of a playful desire to engage in even more meaningful dialogue.

I liked the movie. In fact, the themes it introduced I find extremely important and worth fighting for. Themes such as freedom - the right to think and live. Themes such as souls - what shapes them, when are they shaped, what do they look like? Themes such as good and evil - is it the means or the ends that defines which side you are on?

I am proud to "support" our freedom to think and even to disagree. The minute we stop "supporting" those who disagree with us is the moment we kill the very thing we are trying to protect - life.

I support humanity. I support freedom. I support thinking. And if it leads to conclusions I don't like - I'll be patient - and hear the other human being out. Will you?

Ouch

2007-12-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

My office has lunchtime yoga twice a week on Mondays and Fridays. Today was my first attempt to join a few fellow co-workers. All I can say is "ouch". One thing I love about yoga is that it is a completely different experience every time you do it. It is as varied as the instructors that teach it. Fifty plus (aged) women and men were doing stretches I could barely get into to. I am just glad I can still walk.

Best Friend

2007-12-02T08:34:00.001-08:00

Throughout high school and college, I refused to use the words, "best friend." I refused to choose one person, among so many, to hold this place. It felt confining, limiting, and suffocating - to have to label one person this way when my life was surrounded by so many amazing, selfless, loving people. Even at my wedding, there was no single "maid of honor". In fact, the program listed every single woman as a Maid of Honor. My sisters, my roommates... I lived in a world filled with best friends.

The beauty of it came from its flexibility - like ocean waves at the beach - different people rolled in and out at different times. A once distant friend would became a close ally; but as time changes, they might fade or roll back for awhile.

Refusing to use a label gave us all a sort of freedom. Freedom to withdraw and return. Freedom to change. Freedom to grow in different ways - sometimes to grow apart and sometimes to grow incredibly close.

And then we moved to Los Angeles… and I found myself in a relational desolate place. I went in – idealistic and hopeful. I came out – bruised and skeptical.

This post isn’t going to be a sad recap of the hardships I faced… or an opportunity to feel sorry for myself – as tempted as I might be. Instead it’s about finding hope and friends in the places I least expected, or the places I previously didn’t consider. Friendships in Los Angeles took tremendous determination and initiation. Sometimes these efforts produced beautiful friendships but sometimes they ended in heartbreak and emptiness.

There is one friendship, however, that stands above them all. There were times I was mean and fiercely independent. There were times I was at peace and able to laugh. Through them all he never gave up on me. Though I may have shifted like the tide of the sea, his friendship and loyalty never faltered. He is consistent and calm – though we never could have imagined the hardships we faced.

He won’t tell me what to do – though sometimes I try to get him to tell me all the answers. He jokes when I am trying to be serious. He waits outside the bedroom door when I won’t let him in. He makes time to do house chores even when we are both busy.
But most importantly, he wouldn’t let me push him away, try as I might.

And so a new type of freedom emerges behind the label of “best friend”. A freedom I had not known before. A friend that loves at all times. A friend that loves in the midst of the uncertainty and the unknown. A friend that is willing to forgive again and again when I let him down.

If I hadn’t faced the relational desolate Los Angeles – I might not have been able to cherish his friendship as deep. And although I sometimes wonder if he’s the ONLY friend I have… He is the one that matters most. He is my home. He is my best friend.

Blessed Unrest

2007-11-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

"Books that influence us often contain ideas we already recognize due to intellectual preparation or predilection; rather than casting thunderbolts from the blue, they may unlock sensibilities from within."
Paul Hawken, Blessed Unrest, pg. 74

I picked up the book tonight to begin reading from the place where I last stopped - about 1/3rd of the way in - and decided to start from the beginning again. I read it faster this time and managed to pass by the last words I recognized to the end of the chapter. It's revolutionary. I believe I'll read it many more times.

This book is about the "unnamed movement". I can't possibly explain in one blog post what this entails... but I can barely conceal my excitement - as I realize with each word that I read that I am very involved in the unnamed - but have been awkwardly unable to find words to explain it... even now. The "sensibilities from within" are rising up in my soul faster than I have time to capture them with words. I could dedicate a million blogs to it... and still find myself at a loss of words.

Some quotes from the end of the last section I read:
(In a chapter discussing Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Thoreau and Emerson)

"We face such forks a million times a day, even in the space of a breath. Life is permeated with possibility at every instant. What distinguishes one life from another is intention, the one thing we can control."

"Individuals start where they stand and... make the road by walking."

"For him (Thoreau) there were no inconsequential acts, only consequential inaction."

The Six Sins of Greenwashing

2007-11-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

"Green-wash (green'wash', -wôsh') – verb: the act of misleading consumers regarding the environmental practices of a company or the environmental benefits of a product or service."
From TerraChoice - environmental marketing group

"A study of 1,018 "green" products from big-box stores has found that all but one were marketed with false or misleading eco-claims. Researchers from TerraChoice Environmental Marketing called out products for committing the "Six Sins of Greenwashing": a hidden tradeoff ( e.g., toxin-loaded electronics touting their energy efficiency); no certifiable verification of green claims; flat-out lying about certification; vagueness (e.g., products claiming "all natural" status, which could include hazardous substances that occur naturally); irrelevance ( e.g., products claiming to be CFC-free even though CFCs have long been banned); or a lesser-of-two-evils situation (e.g., organic cigarettes). Cascade paper towels were the big -- and only -- winner, with claims of being chlorine-free, having recycled content, and having legitimate logos checking out as accurate."

See original article HERE.

Our house

2007-11-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

As seen on Thanksgiving Day 2007. For more photos from that day, click HERE.

Free Hugs Campaign

2007-11-20T13:21:00.001-08:00

happy thanksgiving

Earthquake

2007-10-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Last night, the eve of Halloween, we experienced our first earthquake. A magnitude 5.6 that lasted for 15 seconds! It felt as though our house was sitting on top of our washing machine. By the time I realized what was going on... it was too late to react. We sat on the floor of our living room and watched everything shake. Not hard enough to break anything or move it too far. Closer to the epicenter, some stores had to close to pick up the things that fell off the shelves. I have heard of at least one other store that had windows broken. Aside from that, nothing major. I'm proud to say I've survived an earthquake!

Mosaic Bay experiments with music

2007-10-29T19:20:00.001-07:00

All music is written and produced by the artist(s) shown.